So, videos of fat bellies, and sometimes written fiction about characters gaining weight, is the only thing that actually turns me on. I don't think liking fat people on its own is weird at all, but it's different in a fetishistic context in a way that's hard to explain. Um. Here's a link to an afformentioned written erotic thing that serves as an example of... what I'm dealing with. https://archiveofourown.org/works/94825 ... adult=true
So. Having this fetish makes my life difficult. Mentions of food and body weight, in any context, makes me extremely uncomfortable. I can go to places where people eat in public and not have a problem, but I try not to really watch/look at it happening. Like... someone I'm NOT attracted to, would NEVER be, will say something like 'uuuuugh, I'm so full', or mention that they've gained weight, or order something and say something cheeky like 'heehee, I shouldn't be having this', or god forbid, poke their stomach playfully when they say it.
And I want to crawl out of my skin, I want to disintegrate, I want to punch that person for saying such a thing. I get like, angry and uncomfortable and disgusted, it feels dirty! This is not a context where I want to see this! Even writing this out is tough for me, euuuugh. And tv shows make fat jokes and it makes me uncomfortable, and sometimes horror movies or dystopias will use fat people as horror? Representing hedonism and excess. For one thing, come on man, that's just a shitty thing to portray fat people as. And for ANOTHER thing, euuuuuuughhhhh!
And it's impossible for me to concieve people not having this fetish, I don't know how to talk about these things when they come up and sound normal because I don't know how normal people percieve this? And I have a weeeeird perception of my body because I'm on the fatter side and I'd be attracted to myself so Cool but I know most other people wouldn't so Not Cool and my perception of food lapses into disordered thinking territory sometimes but not in the way that I can explain to people without wilting into a pile of shame.
Ooohhh and despite this fetish being so closely tied to it I am NOT at all turned on by watching people eat. It actually kind of disgusts me. Buuuuut reading about people eating vast quantities of food can turn me on. Finding video porn is weird because half of it features a thing that grosses me out. For some reason, when it's written, it works. 'Normal' stuff does not turn me on. I am not physically attracted to thin people at all. And I don't feel anything for genitalia. It's just weird. I'm like, that sure is a penis? Wow, that's a vagina. Yep. Even then, just seeing the act of sex performed by a fat person without a focus on this fetish is like, eh. And again, written sex turns me on way more than videos, but videos of people just like........ jiggling their fat.... (it's all over youtube, you have no idea), do it for me. Because of this whole mildly-uncomfortable-to-neutral on genitals thing, my fantasies in my head mostly just involve a lot of vague humping/rubbing. Sex is happening SOMEWHERE in there, I just don't like the specifics of it
And!!!!! Am I gay or bi or straight or what? Well, I'm bi with a lot of asterixes. I find the way fat... sits? On men more attractive, but I hate chest hair, penises are... well, penises. I don't want to think about penises. Or genitals at all, especially those. I can't imagine myself dating a man, being romantic with one, even though I'm friends with them and even been physically attracted to men I know IRL. I just can't imagine myself WITH one. I'm neutral on the women I'm not attracted to, they don't repulse me, but most men's bodies do, BUT when I'm not repulsed the attraction to men is way stronger.
I've been like this as long as I can remember. Seriously, like as a kid I would watch the 'weight gain episode' of shows over and over. I discovered masturbation super early. And had internet access. That probably messed me up. Omegle is terrible.
Side note. I am in a relationship with someone who is a: not fat and b: asexual (and non-binary) so I have no idea when, how, or even if I should bring this up to them. It's less likely to come up with them than with a non-asexual partner, obviously. How about that can of worms.
TL;DR I have a fat fetish and discussion of weight makes me uncomfortable and what even is my orientation help help help if you really read this far thank you for reading this is my first time posting about something like this hgjfrdgjshtgjaghjhjsfghjdghsgfdhgaaahhhhhhhhh