Sorry for the dramatic title it just popped into my head and I thought dang, that is kinda how I feel! I'm new to this board because I really need a group of people to talk to about this stuff, it's really impacting my life. So, I started masturbating at around age 14 (will touch on this in a bit) and I am now 20. In those 6 years I have yet to orgasm - I am telling myself it has not happened yet, not that I am broken or it will never happen although those thoughts do like to pop into my head.
Here is a somewhat brief outline on what has happened in the few years since, chronologically:
- Multiple partners making me feel broken and them trying to "fix" me, even so far as to one buying me a vibrator (it physically hurt, and hurt my mental health too!)
-Multiple friends told me there was something wrong with me for not being able to
- I mustered up the courage to talk to an OBGYN about it. Sounds great, but she told me I was broken, may very well never have an orgasm but it doesn't matter because I am pleasuring men.
- I went to my actual OBGYN and she said OMG you are not broken and "prescribed" me a vibrator - it is great, but hasn't gotten me there
- Last fall, I had a drunken hook up (My first one ever, I do not do hookups and especially not sex, he knew it too) with the first guy I ever dated years after we broke up
- Fast forward a few months, I still feel weird about it and then he says ugly girls are a 6.5, I am a 7, I have no butt and that makes me unappealing to guys. I'm still hurting from it honestly.
- This on top of other toxic behaviors I've had form past relationships I've just come to terms with, on top of a somewhat traumatic way I lost my virginity just means I have a lot of negative thoughts bouncing around in my mind a lot in regards to sex.
- I bought a different kind of vibrator over the quarantine, penetration feels better for me than anything else which I know isn't the norm but that's okay!
- Still nothing, I am now almost finished reading Come As You Are and I bought OMGYes (a module to improve orgasms, but not quite help somebody like me)
- Come As You Are is teaching me a lot and I'm having sort of a reckoning, I realized the first time I ever really masturbated was over text with that guy I mentioned earlier, which kinda set a precedent of wanting to sext guys to masturbate (that realization was freaky, I shouldn't rely on them, and it is clearly not working anyways!)
- Now, I do not feel broken I'm just bummed I have yet to experience what others have. Clitoral stimulation doesn't feel that good to me so I bought (and please don't laugh too much although it is a little amusing) men's lasting gel to lower the sensitivity since it can really hurt sometimes. If penetration feels INCREDIBLE to me, but it can't really get me there, I'm just not sure.
I know a huge part of it is my mind, I'm just too in my head and I don't know how to get out. Mindfulness is important. I've tried meditating before, playing music during, and focusing on my breath but so many times I get so frustrated I end in tears, not an orgasm. I don't even know if I need advice, and I highly commend you if you have read this far, I just need to vent. It's a really painful part of my life. It has ruined relationships and makes me not trust my body.