Help! This is my first post like this ever. I don't know who else to tell because I'm too embarrassed right now to talk with my friends who kinda caused this.
Sorry, this is long & ramblie & prob TMA. tl;dr: My first hookup wasn't at all what I expected and I don't know how I feel about it now.
So I went to a party Friday to get laid. Simple as that. I'm a single 20yo girl and I've done never anything like this. My friends all have and I wanted to know what its like. Getting hooked up was silly simple. That part was fun
I saw a cute guy and chatted with him a bit. Within minutes we were in a back room on the couch. It happened so fast. At the time I thought it was gonna to be soooo cool....
The guy was a total gentleman about it. Nothing went wrong or whatever but I didn't experience anything
. It was like I was out of my own body. I didn't feel him penetrate me or cum or anything. I don't cum easily but I always get the sensation no matter what, but nothing this time. The only thing I remember was music and his weight on me. (I didn't drink anything and wasn't drugged, none of that. This was totally legit.) I just thought I'd be engaged in the experience. But when he was done I simply got up, straighted my skirt, sheepishly thanked him, and went back to the party as if nothing had happened. I even danced with him later that night. I thought I would have some kind of sly naughty thoughts or something dancing with my random dude. But nothing. I just had a decent time for the rest of the party and went home.
That's when I started to wunder why it was a total bust. I couldn't figure it out. I'd been with two guys in my life. I lost my V at 17 and dated the second guy for two years. I'm no inexperienced prude. But this hookup experience left me feeling ... deflated (?). I dunno, I can't describe it. I was expecting something exciting or memorable or whatever. The more I think about it, the more confused I feel. I don't feel bad
. I just feet weird for not knowing how I feet. Does this make any sense? I let a total stranger rawdog me. I wanted that. I wanted to feel that rush my friends brag about it. But there was n o t h i n g. The feelings weren't bad or good or anything, just not there. Its like watching porn. I don't get it, its not real to me.
Honestly I wanted a bad girl feeling of conquest that I scored myself a guy on my terms and used him for my enjoyment -- yay, go me! But every time I looked at my belly over the weekend, all I could think about was his stuff swimming in me. That was the first time I let a guy finish in me. I really really hoping to get off on the moment he came but I didn't know it happened even. I always know with a condom.
I'm not on the pill so I was really careful about the timing. I wasn't planning on getting Plan B for this stoopid adventure -- that was part of the thrill -- but I felt way odd about random semen in me. (Am I like mental about this? All weekend I was obsessed wondering what they're doing in me!!! I kept starring at my crotch.) Finally I got it. The pill made me feel better because I pretended it made it all disappear. (Interesting my friends say it makes them sicky but I didn't notice anything.)
I don't know. am I disappointed or ashamed or what? Maybe I did this wrong? How do you feel about first hookups? It's *NOT* what my friends describe!!! What happened? I'm terrified to try this again but I don't want to miss out on what I was hoping for if its something simple to fix.
ps: Please don't bust on the guy. This is all on me.
(sorry for the long post)