ive been slightly frustrated with myself and i dont know if ita just me holding myself to unrealistic expectations.
im 19 and have never had an orgasm. i have a boyfriend and we make out and are intimate. we’ve sort of talked about it and if i would even want to have one and the truth is i do. but im also scared because i grew up with heavy purity culture. i recently got a vibrator tho (im transmasc) but im not sure what happened? i really don’t think i experienced anything close to an orgasm. but i dont know if i just was doing something wrong? or if this sorta stuff is supposed to take longer than 30 minutes. i know orgasm feel different for everyone but no matter how intense things seem to get i never feel close to getting that “high” people seem to talk about.
im not sure what sort of advice im looking for i guess im just looking for a point in the next direction?
Hey Mattt -- this is a really common topic on our boards actually, and many users wonder if they're doing something wrong. It sounds like you understand that all bodies are different; with that being the case, it's hard for us to be able to tell you exactly what to do that will help what's going on. But, what we can do instead is help you sort it out. In this conversations, I tend to find that orgasm issues are really closely linked to anxiety, depression, and other emotional/mental health stuff. You mentioned that you grew up with a heavy purity culture and that it causes some anxiety - do you ever find yourself thinking that you're doing something wrong when you're using your vibrator or sexually active with your boyfriend?
anxiety and mental health being a factor definitely makes a lot of sense. i definitely experience anxiety around wanting to do things correctly. i think there’s a little bit less pressure to do things “correctly” by myself. but when im with my boyfriend i find myself thinking about if im doing something wrong. i mean he’s respectful and nice of course, but im a perfectionist and also a little bit of a people pleaser, and im a trans college student. so this issue being related to mental health and anxiety makes sense. is there ways to get over that or does it mostly depend on me having health coping mechanism for my mental health?
Having some go-to coping mechanisms for managing that anxiety could help, but there are also things you can do specifically related to sex that might help as well. For instance, you mention that you want to do things the right way. What do you think would help you unlearn the idea that there's a "right" way to be sexual? Or help you adjust your own expectations around sex?