asking to use lube without embarrassing anyone?

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dollparties
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asking to use lube without embarrassing anyone?

Unread post by dollparties »

hey! sorry, i know i’ve posted a lot on here! i’m not used to having a resource to ask about these things, and now that i’m willingly sexually active again, i have a lot to think about.
so, the guy i’ve been having sex with is very attentive about using condoms, i’ve only had to ask once, which makes me feel good. however, i find that penetration can be painful, and he doesn’t have lube. i also worry about the condom without lube, honestly.
in his defence, i haven’t brought it up properly. i’m kind of afraid of hurting his feelings or making him feel awkward because i’m not ‘wet enough’? i tried to mention it once, but it was as he was (kind of painfully) putting his penis in. i wasn’t kind about it, i said something like ‘do you not have any fucking lube, man?’ which absolutely isnt how to start a conversation and i don’t blame him for not having a response to that. i would like to bring it up again in a civil way, but i’m not really sure how? (i also plan on apologizing for kind of snapping at him)
the point is that i don’t want him to feel weird, but i also don’t want to be in pain every time we have sex, and i’d like to start prioritizing myself a little more. (if this was even a few months ago i’d likely just ignore it) he’s very kind to me and will ask if he’s hurting me or if he can do anything to help, so i don’t fear a negative response necessarily, just an awkward conversation. i’m also 1000 percent willing to buy the lube myself, i just want to have the conversation before i do so.
Urna
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Re: asking to use lube without embarrassing anyone?

Unread post by Urna »

Hey dollparties,

Please don't apologize for posting on here, it's not an issue at all! Thank you for letting us be your sex ed resource.

There's no such thing as 'wet enough'. People's vaginas work differently, and even the same vagina doesn't lubricate the same way consistently. It's nothing that your partner should feel awkward or hurt about, because contrary to the popular myth, it has nothing to do with how turned on you are. And while I understand that you feel guilty about the way that you brought it up, it's important to remember that it was because you were physically in pain. I'm glad you're planning on having this conversation with him!

The best way to have this conversation is to be straightforward. After you apologize for snapping at him, contextualize your behavior by talking about how you were in pain at the time, and explain that that's why you want to use lube, going forward. If he thinks that your not being wet means that you aren't aroused by him, correct that misconception (this article, especially the last paragraph, may help you). Sex shouldn't cause any kind of (unwanted) physical pain. And honestly, even people for whom penetration doesn't hurt often use lube, simply because it makes sex safer, easier, smoother, and even more pleasurable. The article I recommended to you describes wanting lube as being similar to people using a pillow during sex--it simply makes a good thing better. Does that help?
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dollparties
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Re: asking to use lube without embarrassing anyone?

Unread post by dollparties »

hi, thank you for the response! :)

i know to some degree that lube is just generally good to be using, but in my head i feel like i’m going to sound silly. i think my worry is a lot about feeling like i’m being too needy, but that’s not the case in the slightest, probably. do you think it could be a good idea to try and explain this (particularly that it’s not HIM or ME, it’s that lube just tends to be a good idea) to him? truly i don’t think he’ll react negatively, but we both have a habit of asking a lot of questions when something like this is brought up. (not in a way that’s meant to shame anyone, we’re both autistic and just like to be on the exact same page!)
anyhow! i’ve gone over the article previously, but i’m for sure going to review it. thank you so much! this does help- i definitely have more to think about, but it’s because i want to have my thoughts organized for when i talk to him.
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Re: asking to use lube without embarrassing anyone?

Unread post by Elise »

Hi dollparties, it is very normal to nervous when asking about something that feels a bit vulnerable, which as something quite intimate, sex and things we might need and want for it, can often feel that way. You are right that it is not "needy" at all to ask for lube, and your idea to explain why it'd be good for both of you sounds like a great idea. Have you seen our article, Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner before? It has some really useful points in there that could assist you with this conversation and others in the future, too.

Perhaps you could start with something along the lines of "I heard that lube is really great and can make for an even more fun time for both of us. Shall we try it next time?", and then have your examples ready if he'd like to have more information about it, or even read the article together? That's great that you both are curious and like to know about what you're talking about 😊
dollparties
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Re: asking to use lube without embarrassing anyone?

Unread post by dollparties »

hey! sorry for the late response, i think i’ve said this before but i work full time and it takes a lot out of me. i truly do appreciate the answers!!
i checked out that article a couple days ago on a break, it genuinely is helpful, so thank you! i think i’m very … unused to(?) being able to openly discuss these things, as someone who’s had bad experiences with partners in the past, so i don’t have all the knowledge i’d like to be able to have these discussions. this site is always helping, and i feel like i learn something new often! which is besides the point, but still.
i think that’s a good idea! i’ll keep the article bookmarked just in case, and offer it as an option to add to the conversation. i really do appreciate the help, thank you so so so much!
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Re: asking to use lube without embarrassing anyone?

Unread post by Emily N »

I'm so glad to hear that Scarleteen has been helpful, and that you have the space to have these discussions with this person now! This thread is always open if you come up with more questions :)
dollparties
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Re: asking to use lube without embarrassing anyone?

Unread post by dollparties »

kind of a happy update to this one that i’d like to share!
a week or so after this conversation, i got my pay from work, and picked up lube. i talked to my now-boyfriend(!!!) about it, and he said he didn’t know that it was an option, or that it would help a bit with the pain. there weren’t any hurt feelings on his part, and he was completely open to it. we now use it every time, and it’s helped a LOT. he’s expressed that it feels better, and i feel the same.
the last time i was there, we didn’t use as much at one point, and the condom broke(more like snapped, honestly, woah), but we caught it immediately and agreed that we’ll use more. (adding this in only because it was a scary moment at first, but his enthusiasm to find a way to prevent it in the future made me feel secure.)
point is, this all went over very well, and i appreciate the help that was offered to me so much. :)
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Re: asking to use lube without embarrassing anyone?

Unread post by Mo »

Thanks for the great update! It sounds like incorporating lube into sex has worked out great for you, even when you had a bit of a scary moment. Using lube definitely makes condoms much less likely to break (in fact, using lube is part of proper/recommended condom use), so it sounds like this is a problem you're likely to avoid in the future.
dollparties
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Location: canada

Re: asking to use lube without embarrassing anyone?

Unread post by dollparties »

thank you for the kind response! i’m so glad that this worked out!
it was definitely kind of scary in the moment, but knowing this is something we now know how to avoid as best as possible is reassuring!
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