I can't get horny/can't masturbate 🧍‍♀️

Questions and discussion about your sexual lives, choices, activities, ideas and experiences.
deez nuts
newbie
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Jul 23, 2021 7:16 pm
Primary language: english
Preferred pronouns: she/they/it
Sexual identity and orientation: bi? idk
Location: usa

I can't get horny/can't masturbate 🧍‍♀️

Unread post by deez nuts »

ok so I don't really know how to start this lol but I'm 15, and I've tried masturbating since I was like 12/13. recently have I been trying even harder though, I had an online bf from like Feb-april and I tried and physically couldn't get aroused. I've looked up things like "why can't I get horny" and stuff like that. idk how useful it is but I was introduced to sexual things at a very early age, like I started using the internet when I was about 9/10 yrs old. it's ironic tho because I think about sexual things so fucking often it's insane. I'll read smut, watch porn, etc and nothing turns me on. I've tried rubbing my clit, fingering and touching other places on my body like neck, boobs, thighs, etc. literally nothing is working and it's so frustrating. I tried "setting the mood" in any way I could do. it's so annoying because it's almost like I can get myself aroused mentally but but physically? if that makes sense. I've never had a partner offline tho as that one boy was the first and only person I've dated. never kissed, touched, had sex or any of that and I don't think I will anytime soon considering how introverted and shy I am. I genuinely think something is wrong with me or I'm asexual or something which would honestly make me kinda upset because I wanna experience that feeling people talk about all the time when having sex or masturbating. but like if anyone has any solutions or something I would appreciate it 🧍‍♀️👍
Elise
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 74
Joined: Tue Jun 09, 2020 4:44 am
Age: 30
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity and orientation: bisexual/queer
Location: Narrm/Melbourne

Re: I can't get horny/can't masturbate 🧍‍♀️

Unread post by Elise »

Hi there and welcome to Scarleteen. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling a lot of frustration around wanting to masturbate and that not working for you right now. Let me firstly start by reassuring you that there is nothing wrong with you, this is an experience a lot of people deal with!

It sounds like you've been doing some reading and research around this already, so you might have come across the concept that one of the most important sex organs that you have is your brain. This is key: our mental state of mind is a really important part of whether we're going to feel aroused by something, even if that thing has worked for us before. What I'm hearing in your post is that you're feeling really stressed about wanting to feel pleasure from masturbating. Often it is this stress and putting pressure on ourselves to achieve pleasure, that can put the breaks on any arousal happening. Our brain says "Sex?! We don't have time for this! We're stressed!", even though our stress is about not feeling arousal and sexual pleasure, unfortunately our brain doesn't know the difference.

You can read more about this in this article by Scarleteen's founder, Heather, Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide - to quote directly from them: "If we're sick or stressed out, tired, preoccupied, or feel guilty shameful or upset, it's hard to feel sexual pleasure, let alone orgasm. Cut yourself a break when that happens. Go do something else you enjoy. Honor what your body is trying to tell you it needs. Just like it's not a good idea to eat when you aren't hungry, it's not a good idea to have any sort of sex when you're not interested or when your body isn't up to it. The beauty of sexuality is that it is with you your whole life: you can't miss out on anything. You have your whole life to enjoy it. "

Whilst it might be hard to be patient about this right now, giving yourself some space, time and self-compassion around this is the best thing that you can do for yourself. After giving that to yourself, try approaching self pleasure as an exploration, rather than a mission with a defined end goal (eg. orgasm). See if you like a certain kind of touch, sensation, imagining certain scenarios, and whether you find these things pleasurable in their own right, rather than trying to make them take you to that end goal. This will help you understand yourself and gently guide you to what you enjoy. We have some great articles on here to explore Scarleteen once you've given yourself a bit of a break.

As an aside, I just need to note a couple of things about asexuality - I know you are feeling really stressed out about wanting to feel arousal at the moment, however please take this gentle reminder that it is important not to lump being asexual together with the concept of something being "wrong" with you. There is nothing wrong or defective about people on the Ace spectrum, it is a sexual identity as valid as any other. Also, experiences of asexuality vary widely, and some asexual people do enjoy masturbation, whilst others do not. You can learn more about what being Ace can be like for folks here: Just the Basics, Ace: An Asexuality Primer
deez nuts
newbie
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Jul 23, 2021 7:16 pm
Primary language: english
Preferred pronouns: she/they/it
Sexual identity and orientation: bi? idk
Location: usa

Re: I can't get horny/can't masturbate 🧍‍♀️

Unread post by deez nuts »

Elise wrote: Sat Jul 24, 2021 2:25 am Hi there and welcome to Scarleteen. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling a lot of frustration around wanting to masturbate and that not working for you right now. Let me firstly start by reassuring you that there is nothing wrong with you, this is an experience a lot of people deal with!

It sounds like you've been doing some reading and research around this already, so you might have come across the concept that one of the most important sex organs that you have is your brain. This is key: our mental state of mind is a really important part of whether we're going to feel aroused by something, even if that thing has worked for us before. What I'm hearing in your post is that you're feeling really stressed about wanting to feel pleasure from masturbating. Often it is this stress and putting pressure on ourselves to achieve pleasure, that can put the breaks on any arousal happening. Our brain says "Sex?! We don't have time for this! We're stressed!", even though our stress is about not feeling arousal and sexual pleasure, unfortunately our brain doesn't know the difference.

You can read more about this in this article by Scarleteen's founder, Heather, Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide - to quote directly from them: "If we're sick or stressed out, tired, preoccupied, or feel guilty shameful or upset, it's hard to feel sexual pleasure, let alone orgasm. Cut yourself a break when that happens. Go do something else you enjoy. Honor what your body is trying to tell you it needs. Just like it's not a good idea to eat when you aren't hungry, it's not a good idea to have any sort of sex when you're not interested or when your body isn't up to it. The beauty of sexuality is that it is with you your whole life: you can't miss out on anything. You have your whole life to enjoy it. "

Whilst it might be hard to be patient about this right now, giving yourself some space, time and self-compassion around this is the best thing that you can do for yourself. After giving that to yourself, try approaching self pleasure as an exploration, rather than a mission with a defined end goal (eg. orgasm). See if you like a certain kind of touch, sensation, imagining certain scenarios, and whether you find these things pleasurable in their own right, rather than trying to make them take you to that end goal. This will help you understand yourself and gently guide you to what you enjoy. We have some great articles on here to explore Scarleteen once you've given yourself a bit of a break.

As an aside, I just need to note a couple of things about asexuality - I know you are feeling really stressed out about wanting to feel arousal at the moment, however please take this gentle reminder that it is important not to lump being asexual together with the concept of something being "wrong" with you. There is nothing wrong or defective about people on the Ace spectrum, it is a sexual identity as valid as any other. Also, experiences of asexuality vary widely, and some asexual people do enjoy masturbation, whilst others do not. You can learn more about what being Ace can be like for folks here: Just the Basics, Ace: An Asexuality Primer
firstly thank you for you reply and sorry if I'm replying wrong myself, I've never used this website before. but I wanna say I don't think there's anything wrong with being ace I'm sorry if it came out that way. but thank you for the advice I haven't tried to just masturbate with like an end goal but I'll try that and if it doesn't work then I guess I'll just have to wait :)
Elise
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 74
Joined: Tue Jun 09, 2020 4:44 am
Age: 30
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity and orientation: bisexual/queer
Location: Narrm/Melbourne

Re: I can't get horny/can't masturbate 🧍‍♀️

Unread post by Elise »

Hi there - you replied just fine, though you don't need to quote the whole post if you don't want to! (it's also totally fine if you want to for clarity of what post you're responding to).

I'm glad you're open to the idea of giving yourself some time on this, however just wanted to clarify that focusing on a goal (ie. orgasm) is not what I was recommending, rather the opposite of that: just to take the pressure off by seeing what you like when you explore and not having a goal in mind, after having given yourself a break.

And no worries about that comment either, I figured it might have come out not as you intended. How did you find the articles that I linked in my reply?
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