Sexual outlets

Questions and discussion about your sexual lives, choices, activities, ideas and experiences.
BuddyBoi21
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Sexual outlets

Unread postby BuddyBoi21 » Tue Nov 03, 2020 12:52 pm

Hey all,

Everything is dumpster fire but lets talk about sexy stuff!

I need help with two main things:

1. Does anyone know any dom terms in the nurturing side of dominance that can substitue "Daddy"?

2. Do you have any good outlets for masturbation aside from porn? Like maybe adult video games or something?
My partner's mental health has been super rough on them and they've been disinterested in sex so I want a more interactive outlet for my sexual desires. This is on top of us being long distance so now we not only have no sex but now we hardly get to touch one another. It feels miserable for me on top of every other stressful thing under the sun.

I can tell I want some sort of sexy interaction to fill the gap. I tried to post in nsfw group chats of pictures I felt sexually confident in but there aren't many explicit flirts I received in response to them. I now know I want to be found sexy as long as I'm not treated like an object and it feels good to generally manage that body image related struggle. I'm trying to work it out with my partner. They're okay with flirting as long as I don't pursue anything with a person but regardless I'm simply annoying horny and touch starved. And it's quite possibly 100 times worse because I'm black and queer with my primarly love language being physical touch and falling into hypersexuality when I'm under excessive stress.

I feel awful and I just can't quite explain much else for now.

I've been trying to distract myself from sex or sexual desire but it's hard (pun intended) and my mental health goes as far into thinking my partner doesn't actually like me on occasion since I don't get to touch them. My relationship is really great but the world being an absolute shitshow makes it so much harder than it needs to be and I hate it.

If I can't receive advice, can y'all at least reassure me it'll be okay and work out somehow?

Sofi
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Re: Sexual outlets

Unread postby Sofi » Tue Nov 03, 2020 2:34 pm

Hey BuddyBoi21,
I first want to take a moment to validate what you're feeling with everything being a shitshow and whatnot. Spend some time today and this week doing some self care if you can. Fortunately, one of the things I recommend in a self care package is masturbation, so yay, two for two!

I'm hearing you want something more interactive and perhaps personal than just watching porn, and a couple of ideas come to mind. There are erotica computer games that are free and easy to access online, so you're getting a more interactive experiece. Just keep in mind, as with most mainstream porn, they're usually not very realistic and run into many of the same issues of catering to a cis men audience. Another option is webcam adult sites where you can actually interact with the person/people. It's like personalized live porn! The only thing I'd suggest, since every relationship is different and only you know yours, is consider whether you should discuss this with your partner first to make sure they're comfortable with it.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel sexy and wanting some extra external validation at times like these. Keep an open communication with your partner, they seem to be very understanding and supportive.

Regarding the dom titles, it is hard to find the perfect fit at first because names commonly used in kink play are more fitting for dom/sub relationships than cg/l, like "Master" and "Your Majesty", so they aren't nurturing enough. So you really just need to test stuff out until something feels right. I poked around and some possible substitutes for Daddy that are gender neutral are:
Caretaker (I know it seems basic, but it works for a lot of people! perhaps worth a shot?); Nibi (derived from N.B. for non-binary); Big (pretty self-explanatory).
Do you mind me asking what about Daddy do you find unappealing, though? Is it too gendered, you don't like "parent" titles, or something else? I'm happy to keep brainstorming with you once I understand a little more of what you're looking for!

BuddyBoi21
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Re: Sexual outlets

Unread postby BuddyBoi21 » Wed Nov 04, 2020 12:09 am

Hi Sofi!

I really appreciate the input here a lot and appreciate the support about how I feel with everything going on right now.

My partner and I have been keeping an open line about how I've been feeling in terms of how to go about that validation.

I'm very aware of the porn industry's "main" demographic. I try to filter out and stick to people who posted homemade videos and look for ones in which the people being penetrated are truly enjoying themselves.

If I save up and highly consider webcams I'll definitely bring it up with my partner beforehand.

As for the "Daddy" term it's not that I don't like it, my Partner isn't into the term. It turns me on a lot and I lowkey love being called "Daddy" but my partner isn't interested/isn't into it at all. So while having sex it's a challenge (among quite a few other things) for me to get off without the term. I feel like I have a bit of a CG/L kink but right now since my partner doesn't have much sexual experience in general we're just taking our time with the exploration of kink.

They do seem to like restraints and they wanna try a blindfold so I'm excited to explore with them!

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Re: Sexual outlets

Unread postby Sofi » Wed Nov 04, 2020 6:06 pm

Re: webcam sites, there are several that are free to watch - tipping is encouraged, and of course it's always nice to pay performers (same with mainstream porn), but it's understandable we can't all do so. Most performers really appreciate the genuine human interaction as well. You can always tip what you can for now, so you can still enjoy watching and engaging in webcam shows without it being an added stress to your life.

Ah, I understand now. That can be difficult when you want different things as your partner, but there are ways to meet halfway and compromise so I'm glad you're open to doing so. Do you feel comfortable bringing up other options of similar titles to them? You could take turns throwing ideas out there and perhaps testing some out, maybe even starting that through texts and then on a phone call and so on, until they're more comfortable. You may land on one that you both really enjoy! I do know you mentioned right now they're not interested in sex, so I want to acknowledge and respect that - this might have to wait a bit until they're more "in the mood".

BuddyBoi21
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Re: Sexual outlets

Unread postby BuddyBoi21 » Thu Nov 05, 2020 2:12 pm

Hey Sofi,

I'm open to it for sure! I don't think my partner would mind but I will definitely check in with them.

As for my partner's boundaries I have been. I do talk to them about how our sexual needs clash though because aside from enjoying sexual pleasure it's one of the many physical ways I like to connect with my partners. I try not to pay much attention to it at all primarily because I know that it's something that isn't going to happen anytime soon or due to anxiety is much more difficult to act on in the moment or even "plan" out. It's why I'm trying to seek out other outlets of masturbating and sexual interaction.

Siân
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Re: Sexual outlets

Unread postby Siân » Fri Nov 06, 2020 6:41 am

Hey BuddyBoi21,

It sounds like you and your partner have good lines of communication around this, and since your original question was more about what you can do just for you I want to return to that.

As someone who is also hugely touch-centric and finds a lot of connection through sex but is in lockdown with no partners physically here I can attest that it's a really hard time to be a sexual, touchy human right now. It sucks. I'm sorry.

So what outlets ARE still around? From your posts over time you seem pretty internet-savvy and the internet is full of other people who are also looking for sexual outlets and connections. You mention having tried pictures, but there are all kinds of text-based things too, which can allow people to explore fantasy in a collaborative way through 1:1 chats, writing and sharing erotica (or even writing some just for yourself/you and your partner!) or nsfw choose-your-own adventures for example. I'm not saying that any of them are the SAME as in-person sexual touch with your partner, but they are opportunities to explore different aspects of your sexuality in a way that could be fun and engaging. Any of them appeal to you?

Slightly off-topic but a thing that helps me is doing not-sex nice things for my body too. Yoga, hot baths but also stretching and self-massage (I have a really great weird massage hook think that let's me get the knots in my shoulders). I have a bit of a ritual of stretching and then kneading out my back and shoulders whilst listening to a friend read a story on a group zoom call that gives me connection and good physical sensations at the same time.

BuddyBoi21
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Re: Sexual outlets

Unread postby BuddyBoi21 » Tue Nov 10, 2020 4:21 pm

Hi Sofi,

So you were very right for me to check in with my partner on the chat rooms and such. They weren't comfortable with the idea because I was talking about interacting with accounts from friends/people I knew. Their headspace in response was a very cisheteronormative "I'm a prude so my 'boyfriend' will cheat on me and everyone will be okay with it because I suck". They recognized this mindset is unhealthy. No my partner isn't in therapy and doesn't feel comfortable pursuing therapy right now because there's so much going on on their end.


Hey Siân,

Thanks for empathizing with me on the lack of touch/sex. I feel bad sometimes that I feel disappointed in myself for not being able to have sex as often as I had wanted to. Even worse I just realized today that I had an expectation that I would have a lot of sex with my next partner. I overestimated my current partner's amount of sexual experience AND they have unresolved sexual trauma along with a ton of anxiety which makes them hyposexual no matter how much they want to have sex with me.

We do sexy texts stories together but they haven't been responsive lately. They seem extremely uncomfortable with the idea of me trying to engage sexually with other people, especially since I did tell them it's one of the ways I express love/intimacy to another person. (Almost) every single sexual barrier we have comes from outside of our relationship and to an extent I feel so upset I could cry. I miss sex with another person so much. I miss the type of sex I used to have with my ex girlfriend and it feels so shitty to say, especially since I made that known to my partner in the worst fucking ways possible when we first started dating. I emotionally care for them a lot but sometimes I feel fucking miserable due to the lack of touch and DEFINITELY from the lack of sex.

I feel very emotional while typing this portion. Once I calm down I'll be back to getting by without touch or sex. I connect virtually with friends if I can and I've been focusing in on working out again. I even found out what's been my big issue with my appetite so I may actually have a solid plan to start gaining weight. I ask my partner for sexual validation sometimes but also feel bad that I ask on occasions because I feel like it stresses them out more even though they've told me that's not an issue.

Either way, thank you both for reading and giving feedback!

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Re: Sexual outlets

Unread postby Mo » Tue Nov 10, 2020 5:26 pm

I just want to be another voice here saying that it's totally valid to feel sad or disappointed about not having the amount of sexual intimacy in your life that you want. It's so clear that this is painful for you and I'm sorry that you're also feeling bad about feeling that disappointment. It's definitely okay to feel disappointed with the situation; I don't think that's wrong or bad of you at all.

I'm glad that your partner's told you it isn't an issue to seek sexual validation; it sounds like it's hard to do because you're worried about stressing them out, though. Do you feel like your partner's been able to speak up in the past when they have felt stressed out by those requests, or that they'd be able to speak up if it happened?

BuddyBoi21
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Re: Sexual outlets

Unread postby BuddyBoi21 » Thu Nov 12, 2020 12:04 pm

Hi Mo,

Yes they do. They let me know that they're stressed and that unfortunately the primary things keeping them from being interested in sex (like their brain says yes but their body says no or they're simply too stressed altogether to even think about sex) are all out of either one of our controls.

I tried to bring up my reasons for seeking sex workers to fulfill my sexual needs at least one more time since the last time I mentioned it and so far it's still a shitshow. My partner is aware I'm (very) sexually dissatisfied and I do my best to reassure them that I'm trying to handle it is best as possible by myself. But I'm also always trying to word it in a way where it doesn't make them feel worse than they already do (they also aren't in therapy like I've mentioned before and I've been urged by my own therapist to not force them to seek therapy).

Like I mentioned earlier this can trigger their own trauma and they feel insecure about their sexual experience/abilities, fear they may be controlling and (they haven't said this at all but to me) I feel like they're afraid I'll cheat on them too.

It's overall an extremely upsetting situation for me and I'm sure my partner feels just as bad. This is why I sometimes I wish these feelings would "go away" but since it's obviously not that simple (or even possible) I'm trying to keep myself open to recieving affection (assuming I do receive affection more consistently at some point) and power through this. I can't discuss this in therapy right now and sometimes I (have) consider(ed) breaking up with them entirely so that way I can just forget about them and be single again. Sure that means no physical touch at all and trying to build a new emotional connection during a pandemic which is damn near impossible but it feels easier than trying to resolve an issue that basically feels like there will never be a solution to it.

I'm just overall very upset and I hate this so much so for now I'm slowly finding myself working more and more and while I think about my partner sexually and miss them a lot this hurts so fucking much and I hate it. Seeking sex work also seems to be off the table (not only because of my partner). I acknowledge that I want this attention from them and that even if I do go out and seek attention from a sex worker that I may ultimately end up finding myself crying and upset over that too.

Is it valid to feel trapped? Like yeah this is a very common theme especially since it feels like nothing will get resolved but yep this is just...a lot.


This was all over the place (also typing between said discussion over sex work because honestly I don't know what to say. I bottle everything up and I know [or at least feel like] how I honestly feel would hurt my partner and make them feel worse.)

Thank you for reading and helping to support me during all of this.

BuddyBoi21
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Re: Sexual outlets

Unread postby BuddyBoi21 » Thu Nov 12, 2020 2:23 pm

A quick update:

So we did work something out but I have a problem. I want more sex and I guess I accepted or internalized along the progression of our relationship that I can't get enough of the sex I want from my partner. We agreed to trying to schedule sexting, something I thought wasn't even possible because they were stressed at the idea of scheduling sex in person when we shared the same living space.

So back to not feeling like I won't ever have enough sex with my partner. I guess I internalized this along the way because of our difference in sex drives despite my partner mentally wanting sex a lot. I want sex and I want to make sure I'm understanding of my partner but again this feels pretty bad.

Especially since my partner and I did agree to staying monogamous and working on through any issues we were having in our relationship. They also noted (and I didn't realize it exactly) that I kept bringing it up. I guess more than I'd like to admit, I REALLY want to have sex with someone else. And it's not because I don't want sex with my partner but because I want it with my partner a lot but feel like they can't/won't be able to satisfy that desire. So I feel like I have this need to seek an outlet or another person to fulfill this area since I feel like my partner will never be able to. Is this response put of defense maybe? I feel like I'm sabotaging myself a bit.

Thank you again for reading this!

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Re: Sexual outlets

Unread postby Siân » Fri Nov 13, 2020 7:56 am

Hi BuddyBoi,

You know, it's okay to want sex. It's okay to want relationships where sex is a shared priority - just like it's okay to not be super interested in sex or not need it to be a big part of your relationships. You are not a horrible person for wanting to have sex with the person you care about or for wanting to have sex with other people too. We aren't judged for our wants, our actions are what counts.

I'm saying this because it sounds like there is a pretty fundamental difference in how much sex you and your partner want or feel able to have. You can both handle that with all the sensitivity you can each muster but I don't think you can assume either of you are going to change. It feels shitty as all hell for both of you, I know, I'm sorry, and it's okay for each of you to feel upset as long as you keep treating one another with care through those feelings.

It sounds like you've made some headway in the short term, and I'm happy for you, but I also want you to know that if you decide that this is a deeper incompatibility that's okay too. There is a huge amount of skill that goes into building good relationships but there are also some things that no amount of communication will solve, because the visions you have for your lives just diverge too wildly. Like if one person wants kids and the other doesn't, or one of you wants monogamy and the other wants to have multiple serious partners, or one of you wants sex most days and the other every few weeks or months. Does that make sense?

I said before that sex and touch are important to me too, and I do weigh that up when entering into new romantic relationships, particularly significant ones - are they a high priority for my partner too? Do we have a basic amount of compatibility to work with? I'm not saying that we're both going to have perfectly matched libidos all the time, but knowing that when we don't we're both invested in figuring it out is important for me, personally.

What do you think?

BuddyBoi21
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Re: Sexual outlets

Unread postby BuddyBoi21 » Fri Nov 13, 2020 10:58 pm

Hi Siân,

So yes, all of this makes sense and I highly agree! After reaching out to broader suppirt group to vent more about this and allowing myself to be more vulnerable in regards to these feelings, I've come to gather a few things.

1. Obviously mine and my partner's sex drives are both influenced by our mental health. If my partner is high on anxiety, they have little desire for touch. For me, when I'm in a hypomanic episode I become hypersexual. A lot of everything going on in the world has been causing a lot of stress for us both and that in turn has caused some harsh contrast reactions between the two of us. We try to be sure not to take it out on one another.

2. I realize I feel bad in different ways for different reasons. A bit of shame here and there for sure but an overarching theme is I want to have sex with my partner and I simply can't right mow because of our given situation. When I describe our situation (in a more articulate way) everyone sees we communicate pretty well between each other. And summed up perfectly by a person in the support group I've been seeing is that, "you both have a strong line of communication but because of all the stress outside of the relationship, both of you are going through it and that's impacting the relationship". Also I'm trying really hard to validate and better understand my need for physically touch, not just in a romantic sense either. I love physical touch in general and even not being able to hug my friends sucks major ass. So I think this is a much bigger factor than not recieving physical affection specifically from my partner. I think I'm relying on my partner's touch heavily because I can't receive it from anyone else at all right now.

3. I realize now this is a HUGE vulnerability struggle for me. (Polyamory curiosities aside) I really struggle to acknowledge or rather process the fact that I want to be with this specific person and I miss them to the point where I could legit cry sometimes. It's all very new and scary so I'm trying to now feel out my feelings and am currently seeking out a way to get myself to cry and better process all of this instead of avoiding it. I really love making time to do art and other stuff but I know I've been avoiding how I feel so I'm trying to figure it out a better plan as I progress.

I hope this all makes better sense. Thank you for reaffirming my feelings, self compassion has been tough but I'm doing my best <3

Siân
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Re: Sexual outlets

Unread postby Siân » Sun Nov 15, 2020 6:31 am

It sounds like you have found some really important insights recently. Going kinda in reverse order, your third point sounds like one that has taken some time to learn and I hope you've been starting to give yourself permission to feel your feelings a bit more. It can be scary to realise how much we care about someone and miss them, and focus on specific parts of your relationship rather than acknowledge that, so being able to say "I just miss you so much it hurts" is big. I don't know if you're saying you've been using art to avoid your feelings or to process them, but I'm sure that it can provide a channel for them if that works for you.

You're right that the general craving for human contact is probably feeding into the way you're feeling right now. It's like all of a sudden having to turn to one person for the affection that previously you might have found from all angles.

I still think it's worth remembering that even if the stresses in your relationship can be easily linked to outside forces they are still having a big impact on your enjoyment of your relationship, and yes there is work to be done in relationships but it shouldn't suck all the time. What proportion of your time do you think that you and your partner find enjoyment and fulfilment in your relationship right now, rather than spend dealing with these major stressors?

BuddyBoi21
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Re: Sexual outlets

Unread postby BuddyBoi21 » Sat Nov 21, 2020 4:02 pm

Hey Siân,

So my partner started their new job recently and I'll be working more so we fell into a routine of calling each other when our schedules allow it and we talk about work or how our days went.

I've been stressed because of the start of the holiday season which means more hours at my job. Plus trying to finish up schoolwork and cram in other projects so I won't have to worry about them while working all of these extra hours. It's tough and that's been at the forefront of my mind more than anything else this past week.

Also trying to manage other stressors. I haven't been online recently a lot and have been avoiding news and other triggering topics. Drafting a wishlist for fun things I could get myself if I have any extra money left over.

I almost forgot to answer your question; yes, I've been using art and projects as a distraction for my feelings rather than as an outlet because it felt easier I guess?
Plus making emotional, "serious" art feels like I'm setting myself up for harsh personal criticism that keeps me from even making anything to begin with.

Either way, I'm trying my best. I think I need to unlearn that my partner will be fine if I tell them honestly how I feel. If you read similar past posts of mine along with this one, you'll learn that my partner has had some adverse reactions to some of the things I've said or mentioned doing in regards to sex and my sexual desire. So now I feel uncomfortable saying anything or asking for certain things because I don't want them to feel pressured or upset if I ask and then I express disappointment.

Sometimes (for me) it goes as far as feeling completely hopeless that I'll ever have a satisfying sex life as long as I stay in a monogamous relationship with this partner. I need to talk to my therapist about this.

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Re: Sexual outlets

Unread postby Alexa » Sun Nov 22, 2020 9:05 am

Hey BuddyBoi21,

I just want to highlight something you said in your last post that seems like a theme here:

I think I need to unlearn that my partner will be fine if I tell them honestly how I feel. If you read similar past posts of mine along with this one, you'll learn that my partner has had some adverse reactions to some of the things I've said or mentioned doing in regards to sex and my sexual desire. So now I feel uncomfortable saying anything or asking for certain things because I don't want them to feel pressured or upset if I ask and then I express disappointment.


If I'm honest, that concerns me. Feeling like you can't share your feelings with your partner can become really toxic to your mental health. I'm glad you're saying that you want to bring it up to your therapist -- I think that's a great idea!

I also want to say that you shouldn't feel complete hopeless/as if you will never have a sex life that is satisfying to you -- you absolutely deserve a relationship (or relationships, plural) that fulfill your romantic and sexual needs. There are strong matches for your needs out there.

Do you want to tell us a bit more about why and your partner are a match, romantically? It may be helpful to know what is balancing out these differences in your relationship needs.
Alexa K.
Scarleteen Team

BuddyBoi21
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Re: Sexual outlets

Unread postby BuddyBoi21 » Mon Nov 23, 2020 10:11 pm

Hi Alexa,

I just want to specify this is primarily a Me issue with feeling as though I can't say things to my partner. I have said things in the beginning of our relationship that have triggered their own trauma or have simply worded things horribly that have upset them before. I don't feel like I'm walking on eggshells. When we talked more about boundaries and how things are said/expressed they told me that I didn't have to "coddle them". For me I sometimes feel like I just need to be careful since they are just now acknowledging their trauma (it was about 2 years before they realized they were sexually assaulted in the first place). So it's not that I don't feel safe, I just don't want them to feel guilty for it or feel obligated to do anything for me.

I know logically I deserve a fulfilling sexually and romantic relationship(s). It just feels difficult because a lot of things outside of the relationship are effecting both of us and then leaking into the relationship itself. My partner has (closer to) severe anxiety, has awful, overbearing parents and isn't in therapy or on any meds. On top of that we live over an hour away from each other in the midst of a pandemic. It sucks a lot.

(If I forget all of these details) I end up feeling like this because my last relationship was extremely sexually satisfying but was extremely emotionally unhealthy when I look back at it. Now it feels like a completely 180 and again it's rough. It's that feeling of the universe/fate/some random higher power/etc saying "yeah you can have this but there's a catch".

Regardless my partner and I are very compatible personality-wise which is really nice. We have a similar sense of humor, they are more supportive of my decisions and understand my personal boundaries, and they make me feel comfortable and safe. I feel like there is a true partnership between us instead of an unhealthy power dynamic. I feel I can rely on this person if I need some extra help and they don't judge me or my interests and don't criticize parts of me that make me feel as though I need to put on a certain persona in order to impress them or keep them happy. We do have a very open line of communication. It's just again, so many other things effecting us that makes the few problems (namely this one) feel like it's 10 times harder to resolve.

The way I see it, if all I'm looking for is sexual satisfaction then I don't see myself getting any closer to it if I break up with this person. I'd more than likely end up horny and lonely. (We're in a pandemic, I'm an essential worker and college student and I live in a state where the cases are high. I can't afford to risk getting sick over a hookup.)

I'm genuinely happy with this person, it's just the circumstances we're under are tough and I'm trying to figure out how to cope in a way where I don't add any more stress onto my partner. I also do want to add, I understand not everything will work out/sometimes people are simply incompatible and there's nothing we can do about it. I'm trying hard to avoid thinking about these concepts constantly so I don't panic and leave immediately without giving more thought about the decision.

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Re: Sexual outlets

Unread postby Sofi » Tue Nov 24, 2020 11:58 am

Hi BuddyBoi21,

I'm glad to hear all the great things about the relationship, it really sounds like you're compatible in many ways! They seem to be fulfilling you emotionally and that's extremely important. What you explained about their boundaries, traumas and triggers, is understandable. It's okay for us to have to be careful about the way we say certain things to our partners because of these reasons. It's also okay that our partner might not be into every single thing we're into sexually, especially when there is open and healthy communication like there is between you two.

I think our concern is then on the idea that, as you said, you might never have a satisfying sexual life if you're in a monogamous relationship with them. As Siân mentioned, these issues are a pretty important part of compatibility as a whole, and sometimes are the make-or-break because you can have a great relationship but ultimately want different things. We don't want you to have this weighing on your mental health for the entirety of your relationship. Your therapist can definitely help you organize your thoughts about this and might even bring some clarity on the situation, so I'm really glad you're bringing it up to them. It's still important to also keep talking to your partner about it, though. I always remember a therapist of mine many years ago asked me "what would you want them to do if the roles were flipped?" when I was working through a relationship issue on my own instead of involving my partner in it. She was right, I'd want my partner to be fully transparent with me. I know you have good communication and you've brought a lot of these issues up to them, so I'm wondering, how does your partner react when you bring monogamy up to them? Are they entirely dismissive of the idea, or do they seem to be open to discussing it? Perhaps initiating a new conversation about it could be a first step, or to at least put the topic on their radar.

BuddyBoi21
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Re: Sexual outlets

Unread postby BuddyBoi21 » Tue Nov 24, 2020 1:14 pm

Hi Sofi,

So my partner and I, in both past and recent discussions, have established that relationship remain monogamous. The primary reasons why are because we both want to try and resolve any issues within the relationship before involving anyone else.

They aren't dismissive at all. We've just come to the same conclusion and yet I keep thinking about it. My partner says they want to have sex with me and that they are sexually attracted to me and they want to willingly do or try the sexual things I ask about or suggest.

However the main problems are literally everything else adding to their trauma and their anxiety. Sometimes we have sex sessions where things are great, they're enjoying themselves and aren't triggered in the process (I tend to avoid focusing on myself because what I ideally want seems like it isn't super attainable because even though my partner mentally wants the same thing their body says "no <3"). But then the very next time we do see each other in person things go 5 steps backward. I'm disappointed and they feel guilty and overall we're both frustrated.

When I originally brought up seeking someone else to help with my sexual needs rather than continuing to use porn it once again triggered their own insecurity and trauma. Awhile back I let them know that sex is one of the ways I connect with someone as a way to create a distinction between myself and how their exes (all of whom were abusive and didn't care about what they wanted) viewed sex. In one of these discussions the thing that stuck out to me the most is that they brought up how they're stressed, they were trying to find a job, is basically their family's therapist (they all complain to my partner when someone/something is making them upset), they're stressed about their parents being homophobic/transphobic and controlling, (they were) stressed about the election, they're still stressed out because of COVID and again that severe anxiety makes everything even worse. They went on to say "and I'm supposed to be horny". That made me feel like wanting any sort of sex or sexual attention from them was only making them feel worse. It's part of why I feel uncomfortable asking them for things now. Especially since more than half of these things aren't really in their control.

And honestly at this point, I'm trying to save up money and hopefully at some point I can get really good sex toys that'll keep me satisfied or just simply distract myself from porn and sex altogether.

And THAT. That whole list is why I feel hopeless and like I shouldn't really expect anything from my partner anytime soon. I want them sexually and it frustrates me so much that there are so many things I can't do shit about. It's why I don't really expect to have satisfying sex life anytime soon. Like if I lower my expectations then it won't be as disappointing?

Does this make more sense? (And again because of covid and all the stuff going on in my own life, I don't think there's going to be any sort of progress if we break up.)

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Re: Sexual outlets

Unread postby Sofi » Tue Nov 24, 2020 2:21 pm

Makes sense! I understand what you mean about there being no progress if you break up, however, I invite you to consider that it also might not be a step back. Sure, you'd still be sexually frustrated, but there's added stress this relationship is bringing you that would be removed. I say this because relationships sometimes bring stressful situations but they shouldn't be a constant added stress to your life, despite all the good times you have with that person and the ways the relationship is healthy in other aspects.

Does your partner have a therapist or have they seeked similar professional mental health services? I also think it would be good to suggest that so they have a space to work through these stresses, traumas, and anxieties of their own. Let's be honest, we all should be in therapy, and it really helps work through issues that could be affecting our personal relationships. This might be helpful for you both, so you don't have to carry the weight of your partner's external stressors.

BuddyBoi21
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Re: Sexual outlets

Unread postby BuddyBoi21 » Tue Nov 24, 2020 4:20 pm

Yeah, I can see where you're coming from on that. From my end I feel it would make things worse and I think I'd cope in an unhealthy manner (isolating and doing nothing but work to avoid assessing the feelings regarding breaking up and overall going back to being single and avoiding dating). Like sure I wouldn't have to worry about this person or these things but now I'm just going to be sad and even more frustrated/angry about sex. Does this make sense?

I should also clarify I don't feel like I'm constantly stressed within the relationship. It's like since the NRE has worn off we're both not feeling our best. We're happy to see each other and spend time with one another but both of us being mentally ill and then coping with the world as is just makes us both feel lousy (not all the time but enough to where we both notice that strain).

So brace yourself for this next part; no, my partner is not seeing a therapist currently.
I tried talking to them about it before and it went very poorly. I was in a conversation with my therapist about it months ago, she mentioned that they had a new therapist where she works that specializes in trauma. I thought about drafting up a plan to set my partner up to at least meet this person. When I basically told them "hey, I found you a therapist!", they took it as "You're a burden to me and you need to go see a doctor you didn't ask for!". They felt once again, past trauma brought up from an abusive ex who quite literally called them broken to their face during sex. So you can imagine how this came off to them.

So yeah it went terribly. I talked to my therapist about that and she basically said that my partner has to want therapy for themself in a way where they don't feel obligated (because I still want to stay but also recognize I can't save this person). So after all of this my partner and I set up boundaries earlier on in the relationship that I won't bring up "you should go to therapy" and they don't don't bring up "this past trauma I've told you about a bunch of times that you literally can't do anything about because this is for a professional".

Their reasons for not seeking therapy right now are (and this all ties into their severe anxiety); the place where I have my therapy seems to have a lengthy and overwhelming process, they're worried about too many things to be concerned about therapy right now, they don't have enough money, they take a LONG time to open up so even if they find someone they have to get past that and honestly (from my therapist's point of view) they're in this phase where they won't know until after they start therapy that they'll look back at this and recognize they need(ed) fucking therapy.

Yes, I'll be honest this is extremely infuriating and stressful because I know I can't force them but I also hate watching them suffer and now it's effecting me and our relationship. I would very much like to bring this up again. The last time therapy and my partner were mentioned in the same conversation recently they mentioned that their current job does have therapy under their medical benefits so maybe they can start therapy that way.

But yeah, at this point I feel like I need more of an outlet for this whole reply than sex. I get to see my therapist very soon. I know this sounds like a lot and yes, I could very easily just dump them because at the end of it it's their problem but I much rather at least try and talk to them about it again before officially deciding if I need to go or not.

Again, I hope this clears up things a bit more.

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Re: Sexual outlets

Unread postby Mo » Tue Nov 24, 2020 5:39 pm

I think trying to talk to them again sounds like a good idea! This may be a case where what you each need from a partner is 100% okay and valid to need but not compatible with each other; it does happen pretty often, that two people love and care for each other and need things that don't align with what the other needs. But it does sound like how things are going right now is very stressful for you, and I think trying to talk about it again instead of just letting that stress eat away at you and at the relationship is a good plan. I do hope that conversation, whenever you choose to have it, can go as smoothly as possible.


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