What would you need in order to feel comfortable talking to your parents or guardians about sex?

Questions and discussion for those who are or have been pregnant (or have pregnant partners), parenting or about options with an unintended pregnancy.
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What would you need in order to feel comfortable talking to your parents or guardians about sex?

Unread postby Heather » Sun Nov 03, 2019 12:03 pm

If you just don't have access to these people, or you flatly just don't want to, understood.

But, just as a bit of a thought experiment, if you don't already, what do you think would make you feel more inclined to talk openly and honestly to your parents or guardians about sex and sexuality? What would they need to do -- or not do -- in order for you to feel safe, and for those conversations to be useful and supportive for you?

That could be any number of things, for example, maybe it's that they would go get some more current information about sex and sexuality than they seem to have. Maybe they'd need to address any homophobia, biphobia or transphobia they have, or deal with sexism that colors their views. Perhaps they'd need to learn to be calmer, and more reactive, or to give you more room to have your own views and feelings instead of making theirs the only "right" ones or the only ones they're willing to listen to. Maybe you'd need them to do better at keeping confidences, or to be less judgmental. Those are just a few possibilities.

What do you think?
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Re: What would you need in order to feel comfortable talking to your parents or guardians about sex?

Unread postby phantomdog » Sun Nov 10, 2019 11:32 am

i think my parents are in different boats when it comes to sex. so for my mom, i think she would need to understand that sex isn't "dirty" or "nasty" (some words she's used for it before) and be comfortable herself talking about it. i think she's extremely uncomfortable around sex and always has to use euphemisms to talk about it (which is almost always to tell me not to do it whenever i'm with my boyfriend). she's never even talked to me about periods or sex in any educational or informative manner, only that periods are something to never talk about and keep secret, and that i shouldn't have sex with him.

my dad is an open book and will answer any question honestly to his fullest knowledge, but he never made an effort to talk about sex. i don't think he's afraid to or uncomfortable around it, i guess it's just maybe not in the forefront of his mind. i would be comfortable talking to him about it but he always bites his tongue because he's afraid my mom will find out about the things he says and will create a scene. for this reason he is a very detached man. and i think that would extend into talking about sex.

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Re: What would you need in order to feel comfortable talking to your parents or guardians about sex?

Unread postby AngelaQ » Sun Nov 17, 2019 7:59 am

My mom had me when she was 18, 17 when she was pregnant, and I know she is desperately worried about me. She never gives me any space and everything that I do with any kind of boy is absolutely wrong. I had a boy in my room when I was 13 and she freaked out on the both of us! She was worried about every little wrong thing possible when in fact the boy and I were just studying math and nothing more.
Age 15 and I started seeing boys on the side and lying about how I was going to school for whatever reason. I did this because I wanted to have my own little life and I knew if she had found out about it that she would never let me live my life at all.
I personally lost my virginity just so that I could go against my mom. I wanted to go against her views and I wanted to be in control of my own self. It was a stupid decision on my part but I still feel like I made the right decision towards her.
And the only reason I am open with her about having a boyfriend right now is that she thinks that I am hanging out with two guys and another girl and my mom feels better knowing that another girl is in the picture. When in fact that other girl was out of the picture last month and I am currently seeing the two guys (see my other post).
I wish my mom could tell me more about her sex life back when she was my age and tell me but she did right and what she did wrong and that way I can learn from her mistakes and understand where she is coming from in a better way. I wish I could be open with my mom and talk to her about boys and sex and masturbation and sex toys and you name it! All of this "sex is bad" stuff has only made me do things without her knowledge and my relationship with my mom that much worse.
On a side note I will add that I do not know who my dad is and my mom it's been a single mother all my life and I am the only child.
And on another side note I am very happy that I found Scarleteen.

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Re: What would you need in order to feel comfortable talking to your parents or guardians about sex?

Unread postby bikinksterboy » Tue Jan 14, 2020 1:29 am

I don't think I'd ever be able to talk completely openly about sex with my parents because they're significantly older than me, and much older than most parents of people my age.
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Re: What would you need in order to feel comfortable talking to your parents or guardians about sex?

Unread postby bikinksterboy » Thu Apr 09, 2020 3:20 pm

I think one thing my parents could do tho is generally get more informed about sex, and especially "kink" (I know Heather doesn't like that term but it applies here). They're not homophobic or anything, but, for instance, when my mother found my bondage rope she got very concerned, thinking I might hang myself, and then had my older brother talk to me about "keeping my options open and not convincing myself I can never get off without this" or something like that.
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Re: What would you need in order to feel comfortable talking to your parents or guardians about sex?

Unread postby spottedowl » Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:29 pm

My mom, and about half my family-really needs to be accepting of different relationship types outside of dating to marry someone, and things that go outside the religious teachings. Stereotypes about sex persist with my mom: there's a right way/one right person to date, there's a right way/time to have sex, there's a right way a girl should act while having sex. If I listed them all it would take days, so I won't. I think some of the issue is the culture in which she was raised really didn't talk about sex or dating beyond "don't do it". It hurts sometimes that I can be so open with her on other topics but on sexual pleasure and dating its just so hard to have a productive conversation. The trouble is this applies to a lot of the women in my family that I like talking to about this stuff-my aunt, my grandma, 70% of the older aunts in the family.

My dad, and a few other solitary members of my family-Need to be more accepting of the time its going to take to let go of some of my views given to me by my mom. My dad is much more comfortable talking about sex and dating than my mom is, but it gets awkward for me sometimes because of my mom being present (which I think might be why my dad gets nervous and holds back). He also doesn't care as much about the religious viewpoints-but that's important to me-and I'd like him to understand that and talk about religion more- both good and bad parts. It feels freeing talking about sex and dating with my dad compared to my mom, but also like I got lost in the deep end of a pool, if that makes sense? I know how to swim, but its going to take me awhile to get used to the water here. Ultimately, I think my dad would be a good source of info, based on the 2-3 times we have talked (with my mom present), but it makes me feel bad hiding from my mom, plus I can't seem to bring all my questions to him-more comfortable doing that with my mom. This applies to 10% of the family, the others just don't feel comfortable talking about this, or still think of me as a kid, and that is okay with me.


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