Coming out to my mom as trans

Questions and discussions about gender, gender roles and identity.
MysticTeifling
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Coming out to my mom as trans

Unread postby MysticTeifling » Sat Mar 07, 2020 3:12 pm

So, im a 13 year old trans boy. Ive identified as trans for about a year now and im pretty confortable in saying that i am.

My mom, however, is very adamantly against me being trans. She looks down at me just because of my age and repeatedly tells me, whenever i bring up the topic of transgender people, she shoots me down and calls me a "confused teenager " and i,,,, rrly need help and advice on coming out to her since i adore her as my mom but i dont think ill be able to stand for her blatant hatred for the meer idea that her kid is anything but cishet. Sorry im just,,, so tired and i rrly want to start actually buying clothes and all that so my dysphoria lightens up

0PT1M15T1C
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Re: Coming out to my mom as trans

Unread postby 0PT1M15T1C » Sat Mar 07, 2020 5:30 pm

Hey! Welcome to the boards!

So, I had to deal with a lot of this when I first came out and I want to let you know you're not alone. I also hear that dysphoria can really suck, and I'm sorry that your mom is against trans people in the way you describe. Truly, there's nothing wrong with being trans but some people just don't understand that.

So as far as coming out, firstly you'll want to ask yourself a few questions. 1) Am I safe enough to come out? 2) Do I have information to help support the person I am coming out to understand a little better? 3) Is this a conversation that at this point in time I am able to handle a negative response even if it is hard? 4) Am I ready?

I was 11 I believe when I came out, and I came out in a note that I left my parents to find in my lunch bag. I can see how in some situations giving them a letter or note or something to tell them would be helpful, but I would say that you should really give it to them in person and let them know your concerns before-hand. For example, that could look like "Hey Mom, there's something I've been really wanting to share with you for a while, and I'm worried you won't understand or accept me, love me anymore treat me the same...etc. I wrote this letter that I as hoping you could read and then is it okay if we talk about it?" For me, I really regret the way I came out, I didn't give them an easy option to talk to me, I didn't provide much information and then my parents didn't really talk to me for 2 days. My mom eventually told me she didn't care if I was a fruit loop, and as supporting as that may sound, I was not able to transition socially to the extent I wanted for a while, and there were a lot more problems. There are a lot of other ways to come out, for example you could sit her down and tell her without the note, you could email her I guess..? One thing you could do is if you have a school counsellor you could let them know and ask if they could facilitate a meeting to let your mom know which in part can protect your safety. Coming out can certainly be a scary thing
though. The main thing is to give your parents an outlet to talk to you because more than likely, it'll be a shock.

With the dysphoria - I get that it can be, especially pretransition can be excruciating. I will say though, what I did before I transitioned was button ups! Honestly in the girls section there was still a lot of button ups that were fairly gender neutral. I can share some more tips on what helped me present as more masculine and cope if you'd like?

I also want to say, that after coming out you'll need to be patient. When a parent finds out they are pregnant they tend to plan the childs entire life, and so they certainly aren't expecting to have a trans kid. For a lot of parents, including my own, it was really quite difficult for them, they had no idea what this meant for me. One thing that really helped was reminding my parents that no matter what, I was still their goofy, wide eyed, mouthy kid. Nothing is going to change that, you are still her kid, and you will still be you. For me, what helped in this timeline was making sure I really showed how happy I was after transition. Each step of the way, my mom has seen an extremely positive outcome whether it be clothing, binding, haircut, and now pronouns and possibly hormones. Although this may sound discouraging, I really want you to know that these things take time. I came out at 11, my mom started calling me "he" back in May 2019. So, that's a while. I'm not sure about your name situation but I was lucky with my name although I did try to change it which was a whole mess, and I'm not sure how to help you there. Was this hard for me to wait and be patient with her? Oh yeah, so freaking hard. But lately what's helped is like nudging her research studies and videos. Remember that you know who you are better than anyone else does. After my mom really had a few years to be like "Yeah this isn't going away" she's been getting a lot better.

For me, what made a massive impact was she got involved with people who were LGBT, and her boss has a trans daughter. So this is why when I mention bringing it up with a school counsellor, that could be especially helpful because they may be able to connect you with resources to help you do that, I've heard https://pflagorlando.org/ (PFLAG) is really helpful for a lot of people in florida if you'd like to look into that. Also, you might want to look into your rights as a trans student in Florida if you haven't, there's been several lawsuits against schools there for treatment so I figured you might want this to look at: https://www.transequality.org/sites/def ... -Sheet.pdf

Please know, these things get better. They may seem really painful and confusing right now, but with time things will change, even if they take longer than you'd like. My family has come so far in their acceptance and actually, I'm 15 and we're looking into hormones which I never even thought would be possible when I first came out. Actually until yesterday, I thought I would have to wait until 18, but my mom is really looking into how to get me into a gender clinic. She's come a long way in understanding - which I also want to touch on. For me, my mom thought it was similar to like hating your nose or something, I didn't make the connection for a long time. But what I did was I happened was I wrote a letter that I read to my mom describing what being trans was and what dysphoria was like. For me, I said that it wasn't like hating a part of my body, because I can say that I don't really hate any piece, but however, my body doesn't feel right, it feels disconnected and uncomfortable for me. That made a huge difference, she cried, I cried, pretty sure the counsellor thought we were a mess, but it really helped to explain my feelings around it. I would say, do research on things like studies, have medical information around it and let her know this is something that you feel is really important and means a lot to you, that you are still you no matter what.

It may also help to take a peek at https://www.scarleteen.com/article/gend ... mer_school
Or if you want some specified articles in there rather than the full thing, here's this one that really pertains to this https://www.scarleteen.com/trans_summer ... his_closet
As well as youtubers - specifically Storm Ryan really helped. All the youtubers I watched when I was newly coming out have all medically transitioned and are adults now, but you may be able to find his old videos which I really loved - He's from florida as well and was an activist for a while.
He started the BinderBoy thing on tik tok when it was musically as well started "RiseForRyan". He has a really interesting story and journey and it really helped me.

Your trans experience is your own and although studies and research may help, that may not be for you and that's okay. It's just what worked for me and my family.

I hope this helped at least a little! Good luck!
You have the power to say "This is not how my story will end".

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Re: Coming out to my mom as trans

Unread postby Gone.Sorry. » Sat Mar 07, 2020 8:21 pm

Hey, MysticTeifling! I'm so sorry your mom is dismissing you and your experiences. It's really hard when the people we care about so deeply and who love us and are supposed to support and protect us won't trust that we know ourselves best and even actively (even if not maliciously) hold us back from what would help us.

I have quite a lot of resources on helping people to understand trans identities and support their trans kids, but they're really best in the case of someone being open to learning and better understanding rather than someone who is in complete denial. So, it doesn't sound like that's a good place to start yet, unfortunately.

First thing to consider is: how safe do you feel continuing to bring this up to your mom? Have you ever felt like she might physically harm you? Pull you out of school if she deemed it a bad influence? Even disown you?
I know! Those are all big and scary and not something we should have to consider our own parents doing against us, but I ask because a lot of the times, coming out is a balance between physical safety and mental health (and financial support). If there's a chance that you might get hurt or kicked out, then it might be better to focus on mentally coping with the dysphoria, what "mom-acceptable" methods there are for alleviating your dysphoria, and waiting and planning on when you can move out and more safely come out.

If you feel safe enough to continue pushing this with your mom a bit... Is there another adult family member or other authority figure (maybe your school guidance counselor or a teacher, for example) that you trust that might be able to help you? If so, you could try coming out to them and enlisting their help. Sometimes adults listen better to other adults than they do kids. It might also just help you feel like you have a safer place with someone to talk to and be with.

Another thing you can try, if you haven't already - how open have you been with her about your fear of her hating you and how much you're suffering because of dysphoria and having to stay closeted? Letting her really see and hear how upset you are over this may give her some pause and realize she needs to re-think how she's been handling this.

Now, there may also be some other options for you getting to at least transition more in your presentation without your mom accepting you. Again, this depends on how much freedom you think your mom will really let you have here, though, so you'll have to judge these for yourself if they're feasible or not.

Firstly, you can try asking your mom for some of these things without bringing the fact that you're trans (may need to lie low on this a bit before bringing it up). You could try asking to get to spend a weekend day out with her and do some clothes shopping. Then gently explore the types of clothes and section you want to and see if she'll go for it. (If she calls you confused, maybe lean into it. Like "yeah, I am confused! This is a very confusing time of my life! I think it would help me work out my confusion if I got to try wearing these clothes for a while, though.")

You can also try getting some of the things you want through other sources. I'm going to stick with the clothes examples since that's a specific example you mentioned. Do you get an allowance? If so, you can save up a bit and buy a few pieces of clothes for yourself that you feel better in. Or do you have a birthday coming up? For your birthday and/or any other gift-giving holidays you celebrate, you can ask for some articles of clothing that you really want. I know! Way less fun to receive clothes than anything else you might ask for or might have been wanting, but if it helps, it might be worth it to give up some other presents in exchange for this!
However, if you think your mom might take these clothes away/throw them out/not allow you to wear them, then this might not be worth it yet.

Finally, developing ways to mentally cope with dysphoria is such an important tool in our belt. I have many friends who swear by how CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) techniques helped make dysphoria so much more manageable for them. Some of them use the free app Sanvella (used to be Pacifica) to help learn and practice CBT techniques. Here's a good rundown of what CBT is. You'll probably want to focus on 1., 4., and 7. for helping to cope with dysphoria. You might also try guided meditation and visualization for helping to connecting to your mind and being able to redirect your thoughts when dysphoria is getting overwhelming. I use the free app Insight Timer for access to thousands of free meditation sessions. The ones on relaxing, anxiety management, and depression management will probably be most relevant for managing dysphoria.

I hope some things here help and that your mom starts listening to you.


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