**warning, mention of sexual assault
I’m a biological female and have always identified as a female, and hav never thought anything of it. For the past few months though, I’ve been questioning my gender because I’m realizing certain things that may not be normal. Growing up I idolized women and dreamed of growing up and getting breasts and my period and wearing heels and crop tops and stuff. I dreamed of getting married and having kids, I knew having kids was a painful process, but I just so badly wanted that life when I grew up.
Recently, I’ve been questioning my gender though, because of things that I think aren’t normal. For example, growing up, I always preferred reading books with male protagonists over female protagonists. I’m a very imaginative and idealistic person, and am a maladaptive daydreamer. So I would create female characters similar to myself to be in the story. One thing I’m sure of is my attraction towards women, so I don’t know if I wanted to be the male or female character, or both. Being a maladaptive daydreamer, I’ve imagined myself as men often, though I also have imagined myself as women. I’m struggling with the connection between sexuality and gender to identify myself. I don’t know if I’m a man attracted to women or a woman attracted to women or a bisexual man or woman, I’m just so confused. In the past, I’ve confidently identified myself as a bisexual girl, even knowing what being transgender was. So like I knew what it was, and was sure that I wasn’t transgender at all.
I also find that I don’t know what I actually want. As I said I’m very imaginative and idealistic, so I dream of all these scenarios in my head but I’ve never actually experienced anything. I feel like there’s a misunderstanding between what I fantasize about and what I’d actually enjoy experiencing in real life.
Another thing factoring into this confusion and questioning is my recent fascination with gay (men only) erotic literature. However in the past, I’ve liked lesbian erotic videos and stuff, I’m confused and don’t know what this means for my sexuality and gender identity.
I also want to point out that before I started questioning my gender, my mental health had been at a progressive decline, I hit my lowest point and then this questioning started. I felt like I was worthless and would never be loved, and I don’t know if that has anything to do with this. I think when I was younger I dreamed of going to high school and being a pretty girl with a nice body and lots of friends and having fun, and I think maybe the fact that that’s not my reality and I am at that point where I’m almost in high school is also something to be noted.
Now I just find myself questioning when I see an attractive man whether I want to be him or be with him. I’ve imagined myself as a guy and I mean I don’t mind it, in fact it seems desirable, but whenever I think about that I get scared. I’ve also had one (maybe two?) dreams where I was a guy and it terrified me. And something weird and morbid was that in the one, I was guy and I was being sexual assaulted. I had another dream months before that I was being assaulted, but as myself, a girl, and I hated it, but as a guy i didn’t mind it, which is just really morbid and I would never be talking about this to anyone. This happened during this questioning.
I go through short periods of ease and hope, after convincing myself I’m not transgender by pulling up some memory from my past, but then I come back to this confusion and questioning.
I feel like though being a male seems desirable, I don’t know if it’s who I am if that makes sense. Ive always imagined my future as a woman.
I’ve also recently been uncomfortable with my chest, even though I never have been before.
One last thing I want to talk about is that OCD and ADHD runs in my family, and I wanted to see a psychologist for OCD but I haven’t talked to my parents. I’ve shown signs my whole life, and have believed really serious and kind of morbid things because of my overthinking. I don’t know if my overthinking has something to do with this sudden questioning.
Point is, I’m just incredibly confused and scared and I really need advice and help.