Raffles wrote: ↑Mon Oct 03, 2022 8:00 pm
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As someone who is mostly closeted regarding my gender identity, the pronoun question causes me quite a bit of stress. It's becoming more and more common to ask for pronouns. As someone who practices some gender non-conformity, I've had a few people come up to me and ask me directly which pronouns I'd prefer. However, given previous experiences, I really don't like telling people my pronouns because it's a big coming out moment. I also don't want to misgender myself and then have to come out later. Ideally, I'd just like to dodge the question in a way that's not awkward and doesn't come off as completely ignorant and transphobic.
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Hello Raffles!
I just wanted to chime in and agree that situations where we are forced to mention our pronouns, would be awkward and uncomfortable, even when these gestures are done with the best possible intentions. I actually haven't run into this situation since I've become closer and closer to accepting myself, but it is one that is gnawing at me as a possibility.
Raffles wrote: ↑Mon Oct 03, 2022 8:00 pm
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First, am I obligated to tell someone my pronouns? I understand that it's important basic information, but for some of us, it's a more complicated than a two syllable answer. But do I owe it to others to give them at least some pronouns even if they're the wrong ones or it doesn't feel safe to come out? ...
My first thought is absolutely NOT. This is a gesture that is meant to make us feel more welcome, so I feel comfortable reinterpreting it in a way that is less distressing, and as a tool that I can wield in a way that I see more fit. This gesture could be used as a way to reinforce to friends who you are currently out to, what this current social setting requires. For example, If me and my friend go to two meetings, one where I introduce myself as he/him, and one where I introduce myself as she/her (Think of the first day of classes vs. a queer DnD club etc. etc. etc.), this could help them understand what I need from them. Either pretend you don't know anything or let it rip.
And to the bit about it not being a simple two-syllable answer, oh absolutely. Explaining and going into my specific and personal journey of "questioning" to a bunch of strangers and what exactly I mean by "she/her"... guh.
Raffles wrote: ↑Mon Oct 03, 2022 8:00 pm
Secondly, how does one go about avoiding the question without bringing up more questions? I've had people bluntly ask me about my sexuality ("what team do you play for"), and I'm comfortable dismissing that as too personal of a question. But saying "that's personal" feels very outing in its own way and "I'd rather not talk about pronouns" reads as very dismissive of pronouns in general.
I don't have an answer for this. I'm bisexual. It is very easy for me to brush off questions about my sexuality because at many times it is strictly not necessary for other people to know, especially since I've been in a straight passing relationship. I don't have a good answer for your question here though. My best advice would be to try and brainstorm some ways you can use the question to your advantage, even if it is to reinforce staying in the closet. I guess my final answer is that the outcome of this social interaction isn't carved in stone. You have a lot of agency to reinterpret this in a way that is best for you. When you tell someone later that your pronouns are they/them/theirs, after previously using the pronouns you use in the closet, real allies will also understand that the space they were in wasn't the type of space in which you felt comfortable disclosing that part of yourself. If you are talking to the organizer of the space, who initiated the pronoun roll-call, who you trust to be an ally, you can also have a discussion about how the space they created wasn't positive for you, and attempt to have an honest dialogue about how it could be improved for you (If pronoun roll calls are non-negotiable for some reason, ask if you could show up 10 minutes late, and not be asked to participate. It would then be up to you whether you owe them an explanation for this. This is just one idea.).
This is also quite easy for me to suggest in the abstract, both to myself and to you. Real situations are much more complex than ideal conversations we can craft in our heads. Just remember to do what is best for you in the end, and don't feel like you owe anyone any answers.
In solidarity,
Socks