Thank you Sam W for the wonderful book suggestion, I've actually ordered a physical copy that I'm hoping to work from. Having something to quickly reference will be a huge help as well!
I have been aware of agender and decided a while ago that it wasn't for me, though neutrois is a new one I'll have to look into as well. I suppose the issue there is that while I don't feel like I conform to either gender, there is
something there that has me disagreeing with the notion of a lack of gender alltogether. It's very confusing, definitely tedious? But it bothers me all the same.
My environment at the moment is uhh pretty... restrictive? With Covid my area is in a lockdown that prevents me from going anywhere other than for essentials and I am cut off from friends in that respect. It also means I'm stuck at home and while I feel like I got it pretty easy with a parent that is accepting of me being gay, I know for a fact that exploring my gender has always been met with... not disapproval, but a lack of understanding and ridicule. It's frustrating because they support transgender people, heck I've dated some, but when it comes to their child suddenly it's a lot of "you're not trying to be a boy, are you?" and "why are you wearing that?". It's a lot of pressure because there's nothing else to fall back on. My siblings in the same house share a similar line of thinking so it can come from all angles.
Even if it's not dangerous in the traditional sense, it destroys my self esteem pretty easily. So I guess when I say it's hard to explore my identity... there's not really anyone I can do that with. All of my friends are locked down as well and while talking over the phone is great it's hard to feel that assurance. I suppose why I've been looking into online forums like this! So far I feel much better thanks to you all.