HUGE CW: internalized racism, dysphoria and mentions of George Floyd
As the title reads I've been having a super rough time with this topic.
I've been struggling heavily with gender dysphoria since the events concerning George Floyd and having constant reminders of racism and police brutality shoved in my face more so than usual.
I've had two situations involving two white girls that shared a living space with my partner before they went home. The lack of control and overwhelming feeling of powerlessness because I "pass" as a cis black man is absolutely awful.
It some cases when I was staying with my partner and sharing the space with these racist people it led to instances where I absolutely HATED my body. I remember one in particular I just sobbed for at least am hour and wished I wasn't black. Being queer and struggling with dysphoria is one thing but the race factor changes everything.
For white transmasc people who want to go on T, starting it is a new beginning and great privilege. As for myself, it felt more like a potential death sentence and guranteed increased anxiety around my safety.
Despite that as mentioned in other posts I've made, I feel like I look too manly or not man enough. I even had a conversation with my mom about if I ever got into a fight. She said she would rather me fight a cis woman because she feels a cis man could legitimately hurt me. I said I'd rather fight a cis man because if I'm seen by anyone who's not anti-racist fighting a cis woman I could get killed for it. My blackness just adds a layer of pain because I know regardless of my gender, anything I can say or do will always be used against me and in every fight I'm in I won't ever "win" against a white racist.
Note: My partner could not choose their roommates as this was college related housing. Also there's only so much they can do to comfort me as they are also white. The best they've done is held me and let me cry/feel whatever until it passes.
I know this conversation would be better had in therapy but my therapist (who I love to bits, I know she's anti-racist and an ally to queer folks) is still a white cishet person and wouldn't be able to truly understand my situation.
This is a post really calling for coping skills. I try to distract myself as much as I can, I can't workout yet because I know my other habits make it harder for me to do it without over-working my body. I have racist incidents occur in my hobbies like music too. It feels inescapable but I still want to know if any black queer folks have a method to cope with these awful feelings that I haven't tried yet.
Thank y'all for allowing me to vent. I'm still doing the best I can.