I’m an 18 year old female and i’ve been questioning my gender for about 2 years now. I’ve always been more masculine and tomboyish.
I saw this tiktok yesterday about a cis girl saying she has never felt feminine enough and feels like she isn’t seen as pretty. I kind of wonder if that’s what i’ve been feeling. I have masculine features and don’t really feel like I could be viewed as a girl or pretty. But i’m not even sure if I want to be seen as a girl or not.
Often I see guys and wish I looked like them and had their personality and I don’t know if that has anything to do with gender envy or if it’s just normal envy.
I remember seeing a post that said something like “transitioning isn’t gonna make you attractive if you are ugly before you will still be ugly” and I do sometimes think that I do kind of feel like transitioning would make me less ugly lol.
I don’t like my chest and wish it was flat but also feel like i’d somehow regret top surgery.
I kind of feel like buzzing off my hair could help me figure out my gender but I’m almost sure I’d regret it. Also my parents wouldn’t allow it. Im insecure about my neck, jawline, forehead, and kind of hide behind my long hair.
When i’m alone I feel like i’m a guy but I don’t know how i’d feel being seen as a guy by others. Right now I think I might be gender fluid or agender but I really don’t know. I wish I looked more androgynous.
I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this. I have a therapist but have had selective mutism since I was a kid and i’ve never made progress in therapy because of that.