I suspect this is very much a "gender 101" basic question so if the answer is just a link to a Gender For Beginners article I do understand!
If I stumble into being offensive or use the wrong terms, please understand that I'm new at this and open to learning what I'm misunderstanding. Also apologies for how long this is and that I don't even really know what questions to ask.
I'm AFAB adult and have always known I'm not a woman ... but only recently figured out that the term "non binary" might fit me.
Up to now I've been comfortable being private about this, and comfortable with ambiguity. But suddenly friends and family are discussing these topics at the dinner table and it seems dishonest to participate in such a conversation without revealing that I'm speaking from a place of personal experience and not Internet memes or theory.
I'm neurodivergent, autistic, which seems to be relevant.
I understand the difference between biological sex and gender identity. And I understand the difference between gender identity and gender presentation.
But it confuses me that people use the words "male" and "female" for both sex and gender identity. There seems to be an overlap?
For example, I've heard people say they feel male or female, as well as that they feel like a man, or like a woman?
I also find the terms "masculine" and "feminine" slippery, imprecise, and confusing as qualities that are supposed to be masculine or feminine don't really fit my experience of how people are.
I am not a woman, but I have a female body. I don't have body disphoria. I don't mind if people use female pronouns for me, but female pronous don't quite fit. I definitely don't feel like male pronouns fit either!
When people refer to me as a woman, I just know they are wrong. Have always felt this way. I don't like it.
People frequently think I'm male, which used to bother me, but doesn't anymore. They're wrong and I feel cringey for their sake when they realise their mistake.
I've heard people say that they are agender, which might fit me? But I'm not sure.
I don't feel comfortable with people who are strongly cis gendered and present very traditionally according to their gender role.
Especially not very "normal" (excuse the term!) masculine men. But very straight (is that any better than normal?) feminine women also make me feel on edge. Maybe because it feels like both of those kinds of push me into assuming a gender identity in relation to/ opposed to them and that feels wrong?
I get on best with people who just relate to me as a person and don't seem to notice my sex or gender.
I am married to a AMAB man. And I'm sexually attracted to people, not a particular gender.
I like looking androgynous, and I'm attracted to people who cross over or combine masculine and feminine qualities.
I'm confused because in some ways it seems like agender might fit me, but on the other hand, gender is very important to me. I absolutely notice people's gender, I don't feel safe with most men, for example.
Ugh! It's frustrating to me that I feel like I have to adopt a label so people can understand me, but the labels that seem to fit are quite vague like "gender queer" or "non binary".
Any advice on reading material or interesting people to read about would be appreciated. Or just advice in general, actually.