I’ve always been fairly tomboyish, but COVID has taken it to a strange, new level.
- At the beginning of quarantine, I developed an interest in professional wrestling. Eventually found my way over to a wrestling forum, where, due to my username, I was assumed to be male. Through this, I realized I didn’t really mind being addressed as “he”, even if it isn’t exactly correct.
- Sometime last year, I discovered a pair of my pyjama bottoms included a fly. This amused me so much that, for Christmas, I asked for a couple pairs of men’s underwear. They’re my favourite article of clothing, next to my swim trunks.
- A couple months back, I got my hair cut short. Among a myriad of other reasons, I wished to experiment with how I felt about masculine terms offline. Masks are required at my workplace, as well as a hat. I found, if I leave my glasses off, male customers are more likely to view me as a boy, despite my name tag and voice strongly suggesting otherwise. I get called things like “buddy”, “man”, and “chief” by middle-aged fathers. It’s always interesting. I still don’t mind.
- I’m not attracted to girls, I don’t think, but, sometimes, I fantasize about what it might be like to take them out/treat them to something as a guy/masculine role. In the 8th Grade, there was a girl who sat diagonally from me. I didn’t think much of her, just that she was an acquaintance with very similar academic struggles, but, when graduation rolled around, I suddenly began envisioning taking her to the dance. No idea why. More recently, a former schoolmate vented to me about some relationship problems she was experiencing. As I listened, I couldn’t help but think “Shame on him! If I had a guy’s body, I’d treat you right!”
- Body/gender swap movies, like Zerophilia (2005) or Your Name (2016), make me feel… odd. These odd feelings, in turn, make me feel an absolute freak.
Currently, I’d classify my gender identity as genderqueer. Lately, though, I’ve been looking into the word crossdresser, as a quick way to describe myself to others. However, crossdresser is a loaded label. There’s a lot of stigma and shame associated with it.
I don’t really know what I’m asking here. I guess I just feel like a total weirdo and don’t know what to do about it.