I moved out a few months ago. And, I'm glad I did. Because I've had the most gender euphoria I've ever had in my life.
- I went to a nude beach with my friends and felt so fucking comfortable in my own body
- I shaved all my body hair off and was so smooth
- I wore skirts outside in public, without thigh highs
- I cut my damn hair into a pixie cut, and genuinely felt femminine
- I went to SDCC cosplaying as a canonical trans girl character for the first time, and I wore a short ass skirt with a thong and a mesh shirt with pasties and a harness
I've never felt this femme in my whole life, it's fucking unbelievable. I looked at myself in the mirror and actually fucking saw a girl looking back. There's just one problem: my top dysphoria has been getting a lot worse lately.
Especially at Comic Con, all my friends said I definitely passed as a cis girl, and that might be true. I even got called "ladies" and "ma'am"! But, in my mind, I couldn't believe it because I don't have tits. Some girls don't have tits, some can't grow them, some get them cut off, but I don't know, I don't feel femme without them and it's always bothered me.
I want to go on HRT desperately. I can do it. I can set an appointment with Planned Parenthood and they'll probably cover it and shit. I can go on HRT right fucking now. But, I have like $100 in my fucking bank account, I have no savings, I keep spending all my money. I'm on Medicaid on some random plan because ADHD makes me forget to change it. I have a bunch of health problems that I should probably get checked out. I can't even afford a therapist or a psychiatrist and Medicaid doesn't cover any of those. I don't even have dental or vision. I'm closeted at work. It's... ARGH FUCK!
I can start it now but... can I really? So, so, so many things would change when I start HRT. My anatomy, my sex life, my wardrobe, my legal documents and shit. I don't fucking know. Am I ready for it? Even if I am mentally?
I've been obsessing over the Greek goddess Aphroditus lately. I feel like I embody her, I want to embody her. Everything about her just resonates with me. Especially the whole magical girlcock out thing. I want to dress like her and be her and shit. Ugh. I spent today looking at boudoir photographers in my area because I've always wanted to do it. I found one and the women are just so fucking pretty and the photographer is trans friendly and would definitely be okay with the kind of poses I wanna do and shit. I just... I have to wait at least a year after starting HRT... whenever that is.
I just wish I was born with tits already, or that I grew them overnight. It's fucking bullshit how debilitating top dysphoria is. I'm such a weird fucking trans girl, I love my girlcock, it's the source of my femininity BUT MY FUCKING CHEST I HATE IT AHHHHHHHHHHHH.
why do i always write these things at midnight