Scarleteen

Hi,

So I was just wondering what causes my sex drive to be relatively high all the time. Like, I masturbate almost every day, and when I’m with my boyfriend I am almost always turned on. He’s totally cool with that and is eager to do sexual stuff most of the time (I initiate a bit more than he does - though it’s pretty close to half and half) but once or twice he has told me he isn’t “in the mood all the time”. His sex drive is also pretty high but not as much as mine seems to be.

It’s fine with me because obviously I won’t make him do anything he’s not in the mood for (I can always just masturbate if I’m super horny but he isn’t), but it makes me curious as to why some people can be more aroused than others. Is it based on environment or attraction? Age? Or is it just something that’s different for everyone?

Hi Hel!

You're right, sex drive is different for everyone! Environment and age can be factors in how often someone wants to have sex. Another common factor could be mental health or stress level. If your body has a period, you may also feel an extra surge in your sex drive around the time you ovulate. It can even be as simple as you're really enjoying sex right now and want more of it! Though these can be factors, not everyone will have the same reaction to them. For example, some may find sex relaxing and want it more when they're stressed and others may find that their sex drive is lowest when they're stressed. If someone isn't in the mood, it doesn't always mean something is effecting their sex drive - they could just not want to have sex right now. Sex drive and what causes it to shift can be very different from person to person, and that may even change over a person's life.

It sounds like you and your boyfriend are open to talking your desire for sex. How does it make you feel when he says he doesn't want to?

What you said about the causes of sex drives make sense - thanks for clarifying! It’s interesting to learn that stress affects that. I think I’ve found that when I’m stressed out I like to have more intimacy, and it’s helpful to know that I’m not the only one who functions like that.

As far as how it makes me feel when my boyfriend isn’t in the mood, I have mixed feelings. Obviously it won’t be enjoyable for either of us if we’re not committed to doing something sexual, and I never would want to force him. But sometimes I just feel like I need him in a sexual way that can’t be satisfied by my own hands or a sex toy. I don’t know what to do about that. I don’t want to beg him to finger me or go out with me when he doesn’t want to... but sometimes I’m just so freaking horny and I don’t know what to do, lol.

I actually am planning on asking him to initiate things a bit more - I often feel like I’m the one asking to go on dates and experiment with sexual things. I think he really loves spending time with me, but sometimes he just prefers to play video games and that kind of thing. I know that if something was seriously wrong he would drop everything to make sure I’m okay, but for lesser things I feel sometimes he doesn’t realize how much I want to spend time with him. How can I let him know how I’m feeling? How can I ask him to initiate sexual stuff/ask me out/text me more to check in (sometimes I just want him to text first)?

Hi Hel!

As Mo wonderfully puts it in our advice column, "Some people are more comfortable initiating sex than others, and some folks enjoy the feeling of being asked more than they enjoy doing the asking; both of these things are okay. But when there's an imbalance of one person always initiating sex, the initiator might worry that their partner isn't really interested in having sex with them, especially if they haven't talked about their feelings or preferences when it comes to taking that initiative. When this happens, a good first step is to talk to your partner about how they're feeling and try and find out where the reluctance to initiate comes from; this can also be a good time to check in about how they're feeling about your sex life in general. If there's an underlying issue or problem that's making your partner less comfortable or enthusiastic when it comes to initiating sex, it's good to be able to bring that out in the open."

It's awesome that you're being so considerate of your partner's consent and comfort. However, it sounds like there's more going on here than just your sexual desires not being met (though that in itself is a valid issue to want to address). Not to insert myself, but I think I would also feel some type of way if my partner wanted to play video games instead of being intimate with me. You're allowed to ask and talk about these things, just like he's allowed to say no. It sounds like you want him to put more work into meeting your emotional/intimate needs. Start with that!

Thanks for all the advice! I'll bring this up with my boyfriend when I see him next week. Actually I did have another question. Is there a simple conversation starter I can use? Like, an easy way to start talking about it? I don't really know how to bring it up.

Hi Hel,

This is one of those situations where the more direct you are, the easier it'll be to actually have the conversation. You could even start out with something really basic, like "hey, are you in headspace where you're up for talking about a sex thing?" That way, you're giving a chance to say "I'm not in a space where I can talk about this." Then, I honestly think saying some of what you've said to use here (that sometimes you really desire him, that you'd like him to show affection or interest in certain ways) might be the way to proceed with that conversation.

Okay, thanks for the advice!

By the way, I just wanted to pop in and say one brief thing to kind of sum all this up which is to make clear that even the idea that there are "causes" for you having greater or more frequent desire than a partner is, itself, kind of a busted idea that probably comes from some misapprehensions or stereotypes.

For instance, often people think that people with penises and testes are "supposed" to want sex more than those who don't have those body parts, even though there's no physsiological basis for that belief. same goes for the common idea that people who have vulvas, vaginas and uteruses should desires sex less, or should only want it when men want it. That, too, doesn't have any real basis save that it comes from a lot of cultural biases and assigned roles and power dynamics around gender and sex.

This really is one of those things that differs in the same way that our hunger or thirst differs, that our desire for physical activity differs, that our interests differ, which is to say that people are diverse as hell, especially when it comes to something like sex that involves our bodies, our minds, our life histories, our current circumstances, our personalities, our interpersonal relationships and a whole array of other factors. <3

But please do know there's no one "right" level of desire, and that if you have the idea that couples somehow are supposed to automatically be matched in how much sex they want, when they want to be sexual, and all the ways they want to be sexual that that doesn't have any basis in reality. In reality, being with someone as a sexual partner is just about finding those times and places where and when our desires align, that's all, not about then always aligning.

Thanks, that’s also really helpful to know!