Bottom Dysphoria Weirdness

Questions and discussion about contraception, safer sex, STIs, sexual healthcare and other sexual health issues.
kokoPeg
not a newbie
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2021 8:34 pm
Age: 18
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity and orientation: Lesbian / Questioning
Location: Salt Lake City, Utah

Bottom Dysphoria Weirdness

Unread post by kokoPeg »

Hi, hello. I recently made a post on this earlier, but I think it was poorly written by me and I wanted to give it another try and explain myself.

Some background on myself, I’m a 18 year old trans-girl with (I wouldn’t say severe, but quite a bit of) Bottom Dysphoria. And I have only tired to masturbate once or twice both having bad experiences with it (not doing it right and being forced to do it once to get some of it frozen)

So with that out of the way, I would like to explain my situation and see if anyone would have any advise on what I should do. So, rather recently I am trying to explore my body with trying a different method with muffing and I don’t think I am doing it right because I experience very little pleasure out of it. So, last night, I tried to do it the traditional way and it was going well, until I experienced this weird flash of disgust for myself and almost this shame for betraying what I have originally said about having bottom dysphoria.

Does anyone have advice on what I should do?
Elise
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 98
Joined: Tue Jun 09, 2020 4:44 am
Age: 30
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity and orientation: bisexual/queer
Location: Narrm/Melbourne

Re: Bottom Dysphoria Weirdness

Unread post by Elise »

Hi kokoPeg, welcome to Scarleteen. I had a look at both of your posts, and have approved this one as you mentioned that you prefer the way that you have expressed yourself here, so that there is one thread for this conversation.

I'm sorry to hear that you have been feeling some distress whilst trying to find pleasure by masturbating. Also it sounds like perhaps you were forced to donate some sperm at a point in your life? Did you want to donate it and it was a necessity of that, or did someone make you? The latter is coercive and really not okay. I'm really sorry if you had to go though that. If you would like to talk about it here we are here to listen.

With your question about methods of masturbation, it is a very common experience for many people to need take time and experiment with what can feel good for them. So whilst it can be frustrating at the time for it to not work right away, know that you are very much not alone here. Also, there is no wrong way to masturbate. Although easier said then done, you don't need to feel like you are "betraying" your experiences of dysphoria by engaging with your body in any kind of way. That said, it is also totally okay to not want to engage with masturbation in a particular way to help avoid triggering any dysphoria.

You may find this article from the daily dot's Trans/Sex column a useful read, as it touches on the points you have raised: https://www.dailydot.com/irl/trans-sex-masturbation/

Also, it may help to have some more information about how your brain is a really important part of our sexual response cycle: when we're stressed, or putting pressure on ourselves to reach orgasm, or feeling like we 'should' masturbate but not really want to, these are all things that are counteractive to experiencing pleasure for masturbation as our brain instead focuses on the stress we are feeling. Therefore it might be useful to instead explore pleasure more from a curiosity mindset, this could be a really gentle way to begin to explore pleasure for yourself (eg. what kind of sensations and activities do you enjoy generally, how do certain kinds of touch make you feel rather than trying to make them trigger a sexual response). Could that sound good for you? It's also totally fine to focus on other kinds of activities or take a break from trying masturbation for as long as you need, too.

Here are a couple of articles that go into more depth about this that you might find useful. If you feel comfortable sharing any thoughts or curiosities that arise for you reading them, we'd be really happy to discuss them with you here.
kokoPeg
not a newbie
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2021 8:34 pm
Age: 18
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity and orientation: Lesbian / Questioning
Location: Salt Lake City, Utah

Re: Bottom Dysphoria Weirdness

Unread post by kokoPeg »

Elise wrote: Tue Oct 26, 2021 6:21 am Also it sounds like perhaps you were forced to donate some sperm at a point in your life? Did you want to donate it and it was a necessity of that, or did someone make you?
Yea, I was sort of forced to. It was a situation where if I finished and did it, I would get access to hormones. Which at the time and I probably still don’t have the words to say ‘no.’ But that was the past.

The other problem that this brings is I can sometimes feel rather sad when talking about sex in general because of that experience, but maybe I am making a big deal out of something that isn’t.
Sofi
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 143
Joined: Fri Sep 04, 2020 12:23 pm
Awesomeness Quotient: I make my own nail art!
Primary language: Spanish or English
Preferred pronouns: she/they
Sexual identity and orientation: Queer
Location: USA

Re: Bottom Dysphoria Weirdness

Unread post by Sofi »

I just want to say I'm so sorry you went through that and like Elise said, that is not okay. I'm glad it was in the past and you're not in that situation right now, but that doesn't make it NOT a big deal. It is perfectly valid for you to still have unresolved feelings about that. Please don't think you're making a big deal out of something small because anything that feels important to you IS important, and that experience definitely was not right, so it's understandable you have conflicting feelings around sex now. Have you considered talking to a mental health professional about it so you can work through these feelings? We would be glad to help you find someone who is trans-friendly.
kokoPeg
not a newbie
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2021 8:34 pm
Age: 18
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity and orientation: Lesbian / Questioning
Location: Salt Lake City, Utah

Re: Bottom Dysphoria Weirdness

Unread post by kokoPeg »

Sofi wrote: Tue Oct 26, 2021 1:46 pm Have you considered talking to a mental health professional about it so you can work through these feelings? We would be glad to help you find someone who is trans-friendly.
Well, I actually talked with my past therapist (who has now retired) about it and they had a quite similar reaction, but we really didn’t talk about it after that. I have a new therapist now, so should I ask them their thoughts on the matter too? Just nervous I’ll bring it up again and it will be forgotten two or three sessions after.
Sofi
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 143
Joined: Fri Sep 04, 2020 12:23 pm
Awesomeness Quotient: I make my own nail art!
Primary language: Spanish or English
Preferred pronouns: she/they
Sexual identity and orientation: Queer
Location: USA

Re: Bottom Dysphoria Weirdness

Unread post by Sofi »

Yep, I do recommend you bring it up, this is something that is normal but does need to be unpacked and worked through with a professional. I'm glad you are seeing someone new; talking about these topics in therapy is important as long as you feel safe in that environment.
kokoPeg
not a newbie
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2021 8:34 pm
Age: 18
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity and orientation: Lesbian / Questioning
Location: Salt Lake City, Utah

Re: Bottom Dysphoria Weirdness

Unread post by kokoPeg »

Hi, I’m back again. Sorry to bring another thing to the table. I haven’t seen my therapist (next session is next Tuesday) yet.

However, I think I just want to say something. I suck at this (masturbating). I really am the worse at doing this. I try so hard to feel something (and I am not really sure what to feel) and it usually just ends with me either falling asleep or crying. So I don’t really know what to do at this point. Maybe stop completely? Sorry if I am being too dramatic, I just don’t know what to do. I think I am just a little frustrated and dysphoric.
Urna
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 115
Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 3:36 am
Age: 23
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: she/her
Location: Delhi

Re: Bottom Dysphoria Weirdness

Unread post by Urna »

Hello kokoPeg, please don't apologize for bringing something else in, that's what we're here for!

I'm really sorry that you're experiencing so much distress around masturbation. It sucks, truly. And I think you're right--stopping for the time being sounds like the best thing to do. You're not being too dramatic, either, these frustrations are more common than we're made to believe, and your dysphoria worsens the frustration, I'm sure. Have you considered seeking physical pleasure/activity that isn't sexual? Say, sport, or massages, or exercise?
<3333
kokoPeg
not a newbie
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2021 8:34 pm
Age: 18
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity and orientation: Lesbian / Questioning
Location: Salt Lake City, Utah

Re: Bottom Dysphoria Weirdness

Unread post by kokoPeg »

Urna wrote: Thu Oct 28, 2021 7:29 am Have you considered seeking physical pleasure/activity that isn't sexual? Say, sport, or massages, or exercise?
I haven’t because I am really busy with school and such. I do occasionally work out when I have the time. I am a little curious how this will help? (Sorry if that sounded mean or anything, wasn’t my intention.
Emily N
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 118
Joined: Wed Feb 10, 2021 8:28 pm
Age: 25
Awesomeness Quotient: I love to cook!
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: she/they
Sexual identity and orientation: pansexual
Location: Boston, MA

Re: Bottom Dysphoria Weirdness

Unread post by Emily N »

Hi kokoPeg,

I’m sorry that masturbation is so difficult right now. Because it’s something that is supposed to be so pleasurable, it’s extra confusing when it causes pain and frustration. Like Urna said, it’s okay to take a step back from masturbation if it doesn’t feel good to you right now.

Luckily, masturbation isn’t the only way we can get in touch with physical pleasure. If you decide to take time away from masturbating, you can still try seeking pleasure in other ways. This pleasure can also be sexual if you want - even if it doesn’t lead to orgasm, eating chocolate or giving/receiving a massage can feel sexual if you want. For me, stretching with music gives me space to have an emotional and physical “reset”. Basically, it can be anything that allows you to focus wholly on yourself! Does this idea sound interesting to you? It’s also okay if it doesn’t :-)
kokoPeg
not a newbie
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2021 8:34 pm
Age: 18
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity and orientation: Lesbian / Questioning
Location: Salt Lake City, Utah

Re: Bottom Dysphoria Weirdness

Unread post by kokoPeg »

Alright, I think I could do similar to that. Thanks for the advice!
kokoPeg
not a newbie
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2021 8:34 pm
Age: 18
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity and orientation: Lesbian / Questioning
Location: Salt Lake City, Utah

Re: Bottom Dysphoria Weirdness

Unread post by kokoPeg »

Okay. I’m back. Also sorry if I should just make a whole new post out of this. I’m not sure where to post it.

Anyway, after taking a break and talking to my therapist, I just wanted to come back and say that I have masturbated twice in the past two days. And to be honest, I have had conflicting thoughts and feelings about it. Like the first time I did two days ago, it felt really great and I felt happy afterwards. However, the time I did it yesterday, it was almost the opposite. After I did it, I felt complete guilt and shame of feeling like a creep. So with that being said, what should I do? I am really confused…
Urna
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 115
Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 3:36 am
Age: 23
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: she/her
Location: Delhi

Re: Bottom Dysphoria Weirdness

Unread post by Urna »

Hey, good to have you back kokopeg! You don't have to make a whole new post, this is fine.

On the one hand, I'm glad that you've gotten back to masturbation, and that it was fun the first time. On the other, it's really unfortunate that it left you feeling so upset the second time. Before we go any further, though, would you mind elaborating a little on why it had you "feeling like a creep"?

Also--did you get a chance to try out the other routes to physical pleasure that Emily listed in her last reply to you, during your break? How was it, if you did?
<3333
kokoPeg
not a newbie
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2021 8:34 pm
Age: 18
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity and orientation: Lesbian / Questioning
Location: Salt Lake City, Utah

Re: Bottom Dysphoria Weirdness

Unread post by kokoPeg »

Yeah, sorry, for being unspecific.

I guess I felt and still feel like a creep because of multiple factors: I read this pretty hateful thread on trans-women that called us “vile, weak, disgusting, whiny, fake victim masturbators who should be ashamed of themselves,” and it has resonated with me after reading it; I had multiple people in other rooms at the house I did it in, both asleep, but still; and like I touched on earlier I am nervous that somehow it will make me “less trans” and “less woman.”

To touch on what Emily said earlier. I think I have? I have done some of the things she listed like eating dessert or exercising, but I guess I don’t really get any pleasure out of it. But, may be I am in the wrong mindset.
Post Reply Previous topicNext topic