It takes me years to even get over anything I think..anything that I've been very deeply emotional towards. And I know things don't have a timeline in life..but I used to want to get married at 25 but that's slowly starting to fade away also trust..feels harder and harder to trust anyone when I'm al...

It's been almost 5 years since my ex boyfriend..and I started back dating around mid 2018 and since then everything has been unsuccessful..because they leave regardless of my emotional investment. I think I've mentioned it before but I could be having a casual convo with someone and never hear back ...

But I am proud of myself that I haven't sent a load of are you okay messages..just sorry and we need to talk

Because I'm too emotional..or too needy or just overall too much and it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me as I am and I need to fix this so someone will love me..because they won't love me and my problems that come with me..they'll only love the good part of me..my body and the way ...

My focus is always gonna be on whatever goes wrong in life...but I can control school and work..so I can fix it, but relationships I can't..because I'm always screwing something up

....I feel like I make mistake after mistake after mistake but like I've described before I don't even have to make a mistake cause there have been times I'm just talking to someone(romantically) casually and they disappear completely and I don't even show any emotions or ask for anything..they just...

I like working out a lot..but I have to take a break cause I got a tattoo recently. I really don't even remember being genuinely happy single..I mean I guess I was just content when all of this happened..just content. I hang out with my friends a lot..but def not in the mood to see them tonight

I work..and go to school..well most things I enjoy involved things that he also enjoyed because we like the same things so really it just reminds me of him. I've turned my phone on silent from him today..I'm not sure if I made a mistake in telling him that it exhausts me or I feel hurt by it..

I mean like people I've dated..so just romantic relationships. And just romantic ones..usually if someone hurts me who I'm not romantically involved in I don't care much. I guess I made a mistake in sending him a text that we needed to talk then..or saying how I felt.

even though before he disappeared for that three weeks he told me we could talk about it..and we never did..I never forced him to..I might of sent a lot of texts..but they were my feelings

I used to be really trusting and my self esteem was so high before I ended up with my ex and he broke me...and it's just fluctuated. I'm so used to people leaving I'm not even sure if I should let anyone in..and we started off as friends before so it wasn't like we rushed into anything..it makes me ...

All of this is just starting to add on to my past...it's not self esteem. Cause I was in a good place when we started talking..and I think lately I just haven't been because he's acting this way..even though you're supposed to "have it all together" whether someone likes you or not..of cou...

maybe I was just too much..and I'm sure my anxiety and past experiences didn't make it better. I told him that we need to talk..or I'd like to and how I was feeling a little frustrated and hurt by how he's been lately..but I've blocked him because I don't think I can take it if he doesn't answer..an...

Idk if it's validation..I'm not like out looking for boyfriends all the time. I don't ever look for one..it just happens. So when I have one..and this is my second one, I like it..and we have talked about attachment but he said he got attached too..it's been about 5 years since I've been with anyone...

I've sent him a message on how I feel and that I'd like to talk about it..but I think I will end up more hurt than I already am

All the things I do when I'm not in a relationship..are just I mean I've done them all so it isn't new. Just feels the same..like nothing. Like tbh I feel numb..even now and obviously a relationship isn't happy all the time..but I'm just tired..yeah I think I'll just let him do whatever..since I don...

It's exhausting..to keep having to ask to talk to guys and me trying to always fight for someone..I want to be fought for too..or cared about..I wish I didn't care so much.

Idk I just do whatever I feel like doing..besides work and school..and yeah I have friends and I've talked to them about it..it's not the same type of fulfillment I feel like from my boyfriend. I haven't said anything to him since because I just feel really awful

I mean..like he's fine without me as in he doesn't need me..and I'm not saying like I need someone, but idk. Maybe that's what the issue is I do this everytime I have a problem with a guy...I just miss him. And we've never had like a fight fight..it would just be tiny things mostly like based on moo...

Maybe things just change..idk what could have changed in him if his aunt passed away and he just disappeared for three weeks..and I probably made it worse by apologizing like five times..

I don't know if I can do it...I've gone through similar things before and every time I'd ask to talk or ask for clarity it doesn't end well anyway( no response at all)...I think if he really cared he would have messaged me and if he actually wanted to still be with me he would have said it..I'm real...

I apologized for what I said..I told him that I was sorry I didn't mean to sound like I was accusing or anything..I was just confused and I'm sorry if it came across that way

okay...he hasn't replied..how do I word that we need to have a conversation?

I'll keep updates..

yeah..I'm not sure if I can handle it today. I think I'll take another day for myself..and send him a message..I hope he isn't angry at me