I have struggled with this definition my WHOLE life and it’s honestly got me in a bad depression right now. I consider the first time I had sex to be the first time I was fingered by my ex boyfriend, but I didn’t always perceive it to be. We were in a parking lot, completely naked, and he gave me m...

This is my opinion, but I think that the people who are obsessed with intercourse are more vocal about it. I don’t blame them, because our society seems to praise and validate those who love intercourse. I don’t think it’s right for them to push that view on others, because some vaginas might experi...

That’s true. That’s their world view, and that’s fine if that world view works for them. It should be common sense that some else may experience life differently from them. I do believe in luck, and it just so happens that I can find sex partners who match me. Maybe there’s someone else in the world...

Projection sounds about right. It’s hard to not take things personally when you’re made to feel flawed. Sometimes, having new experiences can really help.


So glad this site doesn’t tell csa survivors what to do with their sex lives

My black therapist feels like I was assertive, in hindsight. I feel like I was too, because I do share my opinions and speak up. It’s not always well-received, depending on who I communicate too. Just an update on this thread-I dived back into the nsa scene and am glad that so many guys are okay wit...

I feel like the definition of assertive varies from culture to culture. People of Color, my My white-american male friends and my European immigrant friends are respectful towards me and have called me a strong woman. The girls who are very nosy and invasive belong to one particular group. I don’t k...

Hi heather, This is great advice. I have ignored people before too, so I feel better about not having to explain. Have you met people who have a hard time telling people “none of your business” or “I don’t want to discuss with you?” That’s like a foreign language for me. It’s something that I need t...

I agree with everything you said. Even if people mean well by being so open about sex, the comments that were received were insensitive. It opens a can of worms when I share something and they say something. I wonder how to handle responding to things like, “You didnt have real sex. Oral doesn’t cou...

Hello heather, When you asked me about cultural competency in the other thread, I will say that I wasn’t prepared on how to handle friends being blunt and nosy questions. I came from a culture where people don’t dare bring up sex with each other. My parents never taught me how to handle this, becaus...

Heather, I loved that article! It answered so many questions I had. That’s how I feel exactly. I couldn’t put these things in words. The article hit the mark on so many things. I want to ask you about CSA and sexual orientation. I have heard multiple people say CSA victims turn gay and get scared of...

Hi Heather, I also want to be mindful of not offending anyone, because everyone is so different. If a survivor doesn’t want sex, I want to respect that choice too. Thanks for sharing your view on “hypersexuality.” I can see why that’s problematic based on what you said. I used the term “hypersexual”...

If you have experienced child sexual abuse, would anyone feel comfortable talking about your sexuality? I would like to talk to other survivors to see that I am not alone. I know some survivors do feel fearful of sex, but I don’t consider myself to be that way from what I have read. I have had peopl...

Hello, I made a post on another board here about CSA. I am nervous. It’s hard to talk about pain during Piv, because it elicited silly responses from a former therapist and this friend of mine (who I discussed in my CSA thread). For some reason, I get extremely IRKED when someone suggests I have vag...

Hello,

I made the topic in abuse/assault. I have a brief history of the assault, but what bothers me the most is friends’ comments

Great, I will make another topic.

Yes, I am attracted to those who understand me more.

Would I have to make a new thread about it? I was second-guessing myself with that ladies’ comment. It felt weird, but I was like “wait, is trauma holding me back?” Even before the trauma, I always liked boys my age growing up. This lady did make more insensitive comments about trauma that I don’t g...

Hi Hellocupcake, Ick, that is a pushy thing for those people to say. Are these women you see often (like family members)? And would you like help figuring out how to respond when they bring this up? You're right that there can be this cultural notion that older men are more mature and therefore &qu...

Hi! I have been feeling insecure about this. Is it just me or is there this societal idea that older men (like years older) are better to date and are “more mature?” I have had multiple women tell me to date men 10-20 years older than me. These women didn’t like it when I preferred guys around my ag...

Hello! I'm writing to seek some help and insight about my feelings. I enjoy outercourse very much, but society is heteronormative and penetration focused, so much so that I feel like all the experiences I had with outercourse mean nothing. I first engaged in outercourse when I was 15 and have loved...

I am happy to read these replies. A few people in my life didn’t understand why I was bothered by the PIV=sex definition. I am glad that others feel the same way.

Yes, there are cases where PIV isn’t possible for all kinds of reasons that our out of control.

Of course it is okay! Especially since oral sex IS sex when -- like PIV, or anal sex, or making out, or any number of things -- it's something people are doing together to actively express or explore their sexual desires and sexualities. That's what "sex" is. What it is specifically for p...

Absolutely! I never saw myself as having sexual shame-I do feel that maybe Piv can be really special and emotional for some people. My last question is if it’s okay for me to think that oral sex is still sex and not less than PIV? When I say I had sex, it can mean a lot of things. A part of me feels...

I have always thought that any type of sex is real. The reason is because giving oral sex is my favorite. I don’t feel comfortable considering what I like the most as “not real sex.” I have struggled with people saying that real sex is only Piv. They’re entitled to their opinion, but it doesn’t regi...

No worries, I just wanted to make sure I was asking the right questions :) It's not at all strange to be only want to do certain sexual things in the context of certain relationships (and heck, even if it were strange, you get to feel how you feel). And it sounds like, from your own experience, you...

Oops, sorry for the double text! I asked about pm’s because I was worried about confusing people. I worry a lot about being misunderstood. This might be long: I wanted to ask if it’s weird to save penis-in-vagina intercourse for more serious relationships? Giving/receiving oral sex has always been m...