Tired of Teasing

Anonymousssdude
asks:
Hello there, i am 18 years old and my girlfriend is 16. She has been with around 17 other guys, given one blowjob and handjobs etc. but when it comes to me, she does not seem to care about what I want. I please her from fingering her, go down on her and we have sex as well. But when it comes to handjobs she does not seem to be willing to work in order to plessure me. The only thing she does is touch me down there in order to tease me which she finds funny but i hate it. What can i do to tell her in a nice way that i really would like her to do SOMETHING instead of just pissing me off? BTW we have been dating for around one and a half month and im getting sooo tired of it already. It would be okay if it was her first time, but thinking about the fact that she has done this to other guys makes me sick and tired of this relationship. It might be worth mentioning that this is the first real relationship of her's. Hope you can help me :/ have a good one
Amanda S replies:

Rule #1 of partnered sex: no one is entitled to any kind of sex with another person.

Safe, healthy, pleasurable sex can only happen when both people are on the same page, and they respect each other's boundaries and desires. Honestly, what I read in your question are many feelings of anger and entitlement, which arise when someone is functioning based on pre-set expectations rather than open communication. These feelings are not only harmful to one's own mental health, but they are toxic to relationships too.

A healthy approach to the situation would look like your girlfriend getting consent before touching your body, opening up conversation about what you both want to happen and helping you avoid the kinds of miscommunication you've been having. If your desires don't match up at a given time, then you both have to opportunity to stop things before they go to far, before someone ends up frustrated, or worse, someone ends up doing something they didn't really want to do.

I cannot stress enough that any time someone feels pressured, coerced, or like they have to rather than want to do something with/for their partner, that relationship has just entered into sexual assault and abuse territory, which has big emotional consequences. This is why boundaries are so important. For you, it sounds like sexual teasing is not something you like. Maybe your girlfriend isn't so into giving manual sex or handjobs. Both of those things are totally fine, but it sounds like you haven't built strong verbal communication about sex into your relationship, which I think is the main cause of your frustration. Weak communication = weak relationships. Check out this article about building strong communication with a partner. You can also take a look at Scarleteen's Sexual Inventory Stocklist, which you can go through by yourself or with a partner. It's a fun way to open up communication.

Another simple solution here is to just end the relationship if it is not meeting your needs. The first couple of months of dating someone are really about figuring out whether or not the two of you are compatible and whether you want to continue to see each other, and it seems pretty clear that this relationship isn't something that's positive for you. Saying that you are "sick and tired" of a relationship says to me that its expiration date has passed.

It also sounds like your frustration has led you to judge your girlfriend in pretty unhealthy and downright disrespectful ways. You write that your girlfriend is unwilling to "work" to pleasure you. Like I mentioned before, no one is entitled to sex or pleasure from another person, and what's more, pleasure is pretty much the opposite of work. Giving or receiving pleasure should never feel like work. If it does, this is a red flag that someone is doing something that they don't want to be doing, which means they are probably not going to feel too great about doing it. This kind of sex is definitely in the abuse/assault zone.

Also, I'm not sure what you mean when you write that this is your girlfriend's first "real" relationship. Every relationship we have with another person is different, but still very real. It's pretty much impossible for someone to get to age 16 without having had any "real" relationships, since the relationships we have with our family members, friends, teammates, for example, are all very real, and not so different from intimate relationships, in terms of what makes them healthy or unhealthy. We bring into each new relationship all of the beliefs and behaviors we've learned from relationships that we've been in or have observed. That gets tricky--and dangerous--when we assume rather than openly communicate about boundaries, expectations, and of course, desires.

On that note, the number of partners your girlfriend has had in the past has very little to do with your current relationship with her. What she has or hasn't done with those partners sexually shouldn't really concern you either, since each relationship is a different entity, because each person is a different entity, each with their own needs and desires that shift and change over time.

One of your girlfriend's past partners may have been comfortable with or enjoyed sexual teasing. That doesn't mean you have to be comfortable with it, and that's where communication comes in, to make sure you're both on the same page. Each relationship--sexual or nonsexual, monogamous or non-monogamous, hookup or life partner--is different, with different dynamics, patterns, and expectations that need to be negotiated. Each new partner is a totally new experience, best approached with a clean slate and an open mind--and of course, strong communication.

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