I'm seventeen. My boyfriend and I have been sexually active for five months. We always used condoms, and sex was great. We used lube and had tons of foreplay. No complaints. About a month ago, I went on the pill, and suddenly that all changed. The sex itself was better then ever. But after he comes in me, it burns the inside of my vagina like crazy. It only happens when he comes in me. Other things, like fingering or oral, don't hurt me at all. It's JUST when he comes in me.
The pain starts the second he comes, and lasts 15 to 20 minutes. I normally run to the bathroom right after sex, and get as much of the come out as I can, but that doesn't seem to change anything. We still have tons of foreplay, but that doesn't help either. It's making me dread sex because of the pain afterward, and he hates seeing me in so much pain. Is this a sperm allergy? Would douching after sex help? Is there anything I can do about it?
My 15 year old son has a first girlfriend who is a year older. My concern is that she lives with her dad only and quite often is home alone. My son has been there twice already and one time I made him leave because the dad was not home. I am besides myself about how to handle this. He said that he is not going to have sex with her but you know how that goes. I know what I was doing at 15. Do I make condoms available? But that would be condoning it. I will have a talk with the girl about not hanging at her house. They are always welcome at mine and I will try to speak to her dad about it.
I'm 20 and have been with my partner for about two and a half years. We have a great relationship and are happy together. However, two years ago, when we first started sleeping together, I contracted genital herpes, even though we used condoms. I was a virgin before I slept with him so I knew it had come from him. I was angry and upset but he kept telling me he had tested clean at his last STI check and couldn't understand that he must have it. When we went to the GUM clinic (together) they confirmed that I had herpes but told me that they don't test for herpes unless there are symptoms present. Therefore when my boyfriend had his previous check-up (symptom free) he tested clean for everything they test for and then went on to sleep with me. My boyfriend was upset that I was blaming him and was tested again for everything they test for to prove to me he wasn't lying when he told me he was clean. He was negative for everything they tested him for....except like last time, they didn't test for Herpes and told him they didn't test for it unless there were symptoms, which there wasn't. He says he doesn't remember ever having symptoms hence why he's never had a physical check for it. I KNOW I didn't do anything wrong, and neither did my boyfriend, but I feel so bad about myself. I feel like I should have done something before we slept together, but I don't know what. I asked him to make sure he was clean: he did. We had no idea that they didn't do standard tests for herpes.
How do I stop feeling dirty and like I was irresponsible?
I'm and 18 years old and have been having sex for a year and been on the pill for about a year. I take my birth control like a ritual at the same time every day (the combination pill). Sometime my boyfriend and I don't use a condom in the beginning to get him hard then we always put one on. My question is, when on the pill do you absolutely have to use condoms? They say that every time you have sex you NEED to use a condom. I know it is the most effective way, but I thought that the one of the points of the pill is so you don't need to use a condom.
(...or a counselor, LGBTQ center, doula, shelter, rape crisis center or other in-person sexual/reproductive health, sexuality and/or crisis care serving teens and young adults!)
As a youth-serving organization which provides most of our services online, we're all too aware the internet has limits. You can't get tested for chlamydia or pregnancy online. You can't get ongoing, one-on-one counseling or therapy where your counselor can hand you a tissue when you need one. The internet can't provide anyone a warm bed or a meal, an IUD, pre-natal care or an abortion. Google can't provide us HIV healthcare or emergency contraception.
As part of what we do, we refer users to offline services, but many of our users are often reluctant to seek out in-person services we or others can't directly vouch for. Years ago, we began to notice that when one of our users told another near them about a service they used and liked, or when one of our staff could vouch for having gone to a service ourselves, that often made all the difference in the world. Those users tended to feel immediately more comfortable using those services and were more likely to go and use them. Of course!
We all know one of the best ways to find quality sexual healthcare and other in-person care services is by asking people we know and trust for a recommendation. But that can be difficult, especially for young people: so many are either ashamed about sexual healthcare and other related services, or are afraid that disclosing they've had care will result in a breach of their privacy. Many young people don't even get care they need in the first place, so don't know anyone to refer someone else to, especially in areas where services are limited or where seeking out services presents a profound personal risk.
We know you can't always get a good recommendation in-person, so we're aiming to build the next best thing.
Readers can use our new online tool to find out who Scarleteen users around the world have gotten great care from that they'd personally recommend, and see listings of care services our staff, volunteers and allies know to be bonafide. Or, you can enter your own review to help others find services they need from providers you know are great, or add your review of a provider or service to an existing listing. If you're a service provider, you can enter information about your clinic, center or practice and it will be published for review. Any of the above can be done anonymously, so no one has to worry about privacy.
Services listed will be specifically youth-serving or open to youth: they may not be not adult-only. Because teens and young adults themselves will post reviews, young people will be able to have a real voice when it comes to how they're being served, and their peers can get recommendations from peers, not just from older adults. Before going live, listings for services/providers we are not very familiar with will be verified by a phone or email contact made by one of our staff or volunteers.
As an organization which advocates for youth and supports youth rights, we know too well how hard it can be to find services that truly serve youth well, especially around sexuality. We've heard from users who just didn't even know where to start in seeking out that care or were terrified to even try, fearing judgment or disrespect. We've heard from users who used the phone book or Google and wound up at places which couldn't serve them or wouldn't serve them; from users who thought they'd gone to a family planning clinic when they'd actually gone to an anti-contraception organization, thought they had been going to an abortion clinic or to all-choice options counseling when they'd gone instead to a crisis pregnancy center, or who were not served by providers because of their age, gender identity or economic status. We hope this tool can help to prevent those situations.
We also know there are fantastic providers out there who serve young people wonderfully: we want to make sure the millions of young people who come to Scarleteen each year can find out who those excellent providers are, so they (you!) can get the in-person services they (you!) need and feel more confident and capable in seeking them out.
Obviously, this is a big project, and one that, by design, we can't do without the help of our users, allies and colleagues. We know and have personal experiences or relationships with many clinics and other services, but as we aim to create an international database, and there are only so many pap smears or STI tests any of us can get at different clinics around the world. There's no way we can possibly do this on our own. We also know it couldn't be as good or as useful if we did: we want this tool to be very grassroots and very youth-driven.
Are you a young person who has gotten excellent care from a clinic, private or individual provider, center or shelter, or did a service still in operation serve you well when you were younger who you want to recognize and share with young people now? Are you or do you work for a provider of sexuality, sexual health, and/or crisis care services that serves young people and is dedicated to doing so well? If so, we're asking for your help by adding a listing or review.
Of course, if you're a young person (or any person!) looking for excellent services in these areas, we are thrilled to invite you to start using this new tool to seek out the services you want or need. Obviously, as we're just beginning to build the database, there won't be many listings to look through just yet, but keep your eyes peeled. We're confident that in no time at all, given how great our users and allies can be at helping us out, we'll have a plethora of listings for great help and care internationally. This has been a long project in the making, and we can't express how excited we are to finally roll it out!
Many props and thanks to our developer, Clara Raubertas, for all of her work with us on this. It was a big concept in which the executive director had a lot of big ideas she wasn't always so crystal-clear about (ahem), and Clara worked with patience and dedication to help make this happen. An additional and important thanks to all the individuals who have given us their financial support, at any amount: this is part of what your donations have funded, and we couldn't have done it without you.
(Because this is a new service, please let us know if you have any problems using it, or if you think we accidentally left something vital out. We expect there may be some things we need to refine as we build it further, and as always, your input is invaluable. Thanks!)
Update 1.13.11: Currently, we have a couple snags. Users may only pick one service at a time to choose from, and areas without postal codes are not working in the search. We're working out both of these issues, however, and expect to have them remedied soon!
Update 1.29.11: Snags fixed! Yay!
Also, a question came up as to why we have LGBQ services and trans and gender-variant services as separate tickboxes/options. Options like those, just like the options for teen-specific care, and survivor-specific care, are for folks looking for specialized care and specifically-inclusive services. Users may pick up to five different tickboxes for searches, not just one.
We separated LGBQ services from trans and gender-variant services because trans and gender-variant people have a range of orientations like everyone else, including heterosexuality, but primarily because a service which can or does serve gay, lesbian, bisexual or queer people well will not automatically serve trans or gender-variant people well, or offer the services trans or gender-variant people want or need. A reader suggested this was perhaps because we didn't understand trans people needed reproductive healthcare: quite the opposite! A trans person seeking reproductive healthcare could tick the box for that healthcare AND for trans-specific services to best assure they get that kind of healthcare from providers who also are educated about and able to serve trans people well with that healthcare or other kinds of services. In the same way, someone who wanted reproductive healthcare and was also an assault victim could pick two boxes to intersect that, or someone who was LGB could pick the two boxes to address that intersection. For anyone who wanted reproductive healthcare without narrowing that care in any way, they could just tick the box ONLY for that healthcare.
We're happy to discuss this more here, and just like any other part of the project: adjustments can always be made!
Me and my boyfriend want to get me birth control pills, as we've had the condom break three times on us already, and we're really fearful of pregnancy. I've already seen on this site a question on how to get birth control, but I have more questions than were answered. I'm 16, as is my boyfriend. Neither of us are able to drive yet because we didn't get our permits at the correct time (though we can take a cab to get somewhere), my mom would be highly unsupportive of the fact me and him are having sex (and even more unsupportive of me being pregnant), but we don't want to stop or anything, we just want more ways to protect ourselves against pregnancy. So, I need a way to get birth control without my mom's know. In the question I've read, you guys said that the doctor would ask for my name, address, phone number, and social security number. By giving them any of these things, would my mom be able to know I had seen the doctor? One of my main fears of getting birth control is my mom finding out somehow. Also, I don’t know where my mom keeps my social security card, and I haven’t memorized the number, so how can I find it out? Can I not have to tell the doctor?
I'm a 19-year-old virgin and I don't know enough about sex, period. I went to Catholic and Christian schools with terrible sex-ed classes (I learned the basic biology but virtually nothing about actual sex, condoms, safe sex, or anything like that). I looked at your list of books to read and I've browsed through the questions, but I still don't know where to start. I know a lot about gender but very little about sex. What kinds of books should this straight pro-feminist college freshman read?
This a guest post from Shay at The S Spot for the Scarleteen Blogathon
I do a lot of work in my real life with sex education and promoting safer-sex practices (i.e. getting people to use condoms). Some of you may even recall that The S Spot got it’s start as an educational sex column in a campus newspaper!
I feel that when you’re talking to someone about sex, you can’t just try to scare them with the facts about sexually transmitted infections, HIV, and how accidental pregnancy will “ruin your life”; but a lot of sex educators focus on just that.
I remember one time when I picked up my younger brother from school, I asked him about his day and he told me that there had been an assembly about sex ed. I asked him if he had learned anything interesting and if he had any questions about anything they talked about (figuring that he might be more comfortable talking to me, his older sibling rather than a “real” adult like mom or dad). He did have a few comments about funny things the teachers had said and how uncomfortable many of them had looked. Then he said, “I didn’t know that condoms don’t protect you from infections or AIDS”.
I was flabbergasted. I pressed him for more details – there are some diseases that a condom might not protect you from (depending on where the sores/outbreak is occurring) – but I still wanted to know “what exactly did they tell you?”
My brother then went on to explain how the presentation had showed slides with microscopic views of condoms, revealing that they are full of little holes that might stop sperm but wouldn’t stop infection or disease transmission. “So”, he concluded, “in that case, I don’t see the point of using them.”
I was stunned and very disappointed – not only had this “safe sex” presentation focused only on the negative risks (nothing about the positive things about having sex), but they had outright lied to these junior high and high school kids in an effort to make them even more scared of having sex.
Ironically, depending on how many other students left the presentation with the same attitude as my brother (“if condoms don’t protect me, why bother using them?”), they actually did MORE damage than if they had said nothing at all!
I took a detour on the way home so that I would have enough time to explain to my brother what was wrong with what he had been told at school that day. I explained to him about how condoms work, why some girls are on the pill, what kinds of infections there are to be concerned about, what other forms of barriers exist – anything I could think of that a young almost-man might need to know about the sometimes tricky world we live in. But I also told him that the reason why he needs to know all these things about how to protect himself, is because sex is fun and when he meets the right girl he’s going to want to try it. I told him that I wanted him to know these things so that when the time came when he wanted to have sex, he wouldn’t have to worry, because he would know what to do. He would know that he should use a condom, where to get one, that buying them is nothing to be ashamed of, how to put one on – and then he would be ready to have fun.
Not every student who attended that presentation had a “cool” older sister who was willing to take the time to explain the correct information about birth control, STI’s, and prophylactics. So what happens to these unlucky kids? Do they go out into the world having unprotected sex until they get infected with something serious? Do they end up at university and read someone who writes a newspaper column like mine? Maybe, once they’re older, they end up at The S Spot and find the answer to their questions.
Or, if they’re clever (and connected to the internet) they’ll find a site like Scarleteen!
Scarleteen is a pretty bad-ass site where anyone (though they cater to teens) can go to learn more about sex and to find support for their issues, concerns, and questions. You can read more about them HERE. Scarleteen is the cool older brother/sister who is there to give teens honest and open information about sex – the negative aspects (like STIs) and the positive aspects too (like the fun – woo!).
The weird thing is, Scarleteen is the highest ranked online young adult sexuality resource but it’s the least funded! Since the youth who need this site most are also the least able to donate, they are calling on people who CAN afford to donate.
What Scarleteen Needs: Last year, Scarleteen needed increased donations in order to get through the end of 2009 and into 2010, in large part because private donations for a few years previous had been so low and left us in a very financially precarious position. We increased our financial goals to reflect the need for a minimum annual operating budget of $70,000. Thanks to generous contributions from our supporters in response to that appeal, while we were not able to reach that level, we were able to raise what we needed to not only get through 2009, but were able to use the funds wisely to sustain the organization through 2010. Our goal now is to continue to work toward that annual operating budget. Ideally, we would like to see a minimum of $20,000 in individual donations each year to combine with funding from private grants. In order for that to happen, we need for current donors to keep giving, and we also also need to cultivate new donors.
This minimum budget is exceptionally cost-effective for the level of service we provide, especially compared to other organizations and initiatives whose budgets are far higher, including those which do not match our reach and our level of direct-service. If you would like more details about our budget and expenses, just contact us via email and we’ll gladly share that information with you.
A $100 donation can pay half of our server bill for a month, or half the monthly cost of the text-in service, or can fund any kind of use of the site, including one-on-one counsel and care, for around 10,000 of our daily users. However, we very much appreciate donations at any level.
If you can, please support Scarleteen by clicking here.
I'm unclear on how condoms are supposed to be effective in preventing female-to-male contamination during "plain" sex, I mean insertion of the penis into the vagina. Let me explain.
Latex is an effective barrier to virii and germs. I get that. As far as protecting the woman is concerned, I've no trouble believing it works. The STD virii or germs are present in the semen and/or pre-cum; these are "emprisoned" by the condom, don't get out, and don't get into contact with any part of the anatomy of the woman. She's protected. The sweat of the man does not contain these virii or germs and thus no risk with the rest of the skin-to-skin contact. But in the other direction, I don't quite get it.