I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now. He is my first long-term boyfriend and I really do love him. He is 3 years older than me and has had a 3 year relationship with another girl before me. After 3 months we decided to have sex. I was a virgin and this was a really big deal to me but he was not a virgin and had been with 2 girls before me. I don't regret being with him, I knew I was ready. But I get really upset about him not losing his virginity to me. Is it normal to be so upset about his past and past relationships? I have tried to just forget it all but I almost feel cheated. I gave my virginity to him and I didn't get anything in return. I felt like it wasn't as special to him as it was to me. How can I get over this?
I am 15 years old and I have only made out once. I do not know the person I made out with, and I don't exactly remember what it was like. I want to make out with more people, but I am afraid I will not be good at it, I also don't want to embarrass myself with the person I do make out with. Another thing is, what if the person I do make out with tries to do more with me than I am ready? What should I do and how do you recommend getting over these fears of mine? Thank you!
Hi I am 14 years old and me and my boyfriend have been dating for 2 months on the 20th... we're mostly all teenagers here and young adults and can tell that guys want more than just make-outs, hugs and kisses they want sex... I wouldn't have a problem having sex with him. I am pretty sure he is still a virgin by 99.9% and I am also still a virgin and was wondering when the best time it would be to have sex, where and I am nervous that I will mess up some how.... Help please??
Hello! I’ve been a big fan of Scarleteen for a while now. I’ll be fully honest: I love Scarleteen!
So, it’s truly an honor, thrill, and excitement to get to call Scarleteen a new home for my writing. Hey, they say home is where the heart is! While here, I’ll be mostly writing about that magnificent phenomenon we call consent. And I can’t wait to share with, hear from, and learn with you!
In my experience, getting to the heart of consent has usually involved paying close attention to detail. For example, I host consent workshops professionally, and at one point during past workshops, when the audience is generally settled and feeling comfortable opening up, I have asked, “Who here has ever had something silly and awkward happen during a hookup? Even slightly awkward.” (When I say hooking up, I'm referring to sexual activity.) Hands have shot straight up and we all ended up getting a good laugh out of it. It just goes to show how awkward connecting with sex can be, whether you're in bed, thinking about it, or just talking about it!
For a lot of reasons, including the rapid response that seems so fast it should be an Olympic record, I fully agree with my audiences and I raise my hand too -- after they do since I don’t want the audience to be biased or I end up being the only one with their hand raised. I think a lot of these awkward moments happen because of the conversations we are having around our romance, or, should I say, the conversations we aren't having.
From my experience, the conversations that end up getting a little awkward are often times those important discussions that are valuable in developing healthy sexual partners. Like asking someone for their status with sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Wow, that’s not always so easy! But, without knowing, you’ll not only have to deal with the possibility of getting an STI - you’ll have to deal with the uncertainty of whether or not you’re going to get an STI before, during, and after the rendezvous. So there’s a clear purpose to having conversations around our intimacy! For your consideration, here are some conversations you might want to have before you jump into a hookup:
Sound intimidating? Don’t worry! I’m not going to leave you hanging. Here are some ways we can make these conversations easier so we can keep them as fun, exciting, honest, and sexy as we can:
Keeping these guidelines and ideas in mind is a great step you can take. Aside from your sexual partner, there are still some things you can grapple with to make sure the consensual grappling continues. One great addition is emotional self-awareness. By being present and aware of your attitudes and responses to these conversations you can help make these conversations happen and continue to happen. Some folks find conversations about sex and consent to be:
No matter what your reactions are, you’ll soon find out that the more you try to express yourself with communication through words, the chances of these types of responses happening are greatly reduced. Translation -- in the near future this may mean that asking for dates, kisses, and a whole lot more may become a lot more comfortable and sexier! A conversation that felt scripted once might even feel totally natural once you get some practice, or one that felt unsexy at first might later turn into something that really turns you on.
So let’s recap: discussing what you’re into and discovering what you’re hookup is into by talking about it can be awkward, that is, until it’s great.
Until you both know what each other want, when, and how. That is the point when consent has given you something amazing. Consent has given you a glimpse into the desires of the person that you're with so now not only have you expressed your wants, and you’ve found out theirs, but you’ve found the overlap and that is the amazing opportunity to consensually satisfy your wants. So let's avoid the awkwardness of silence, we know that it gets us nowhere. Let's find ways to talk about something new, talk with somebody in a new way, and continue to move forward.
I've been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for a year now, and we've been having sexual intercourse for around 8 months. Throughout this time, I have NEVER reached an orgasm through sex, but because I thought I was the weird abnormal one, and was afraid of how my boyfriend may react, I since have faked it every single time which we have had sex. Sex is alright, but I now just want to tell him. But how do I explain to him that this isn't his fault without him being hurt and upset? Please help me because I really don't know what to do!
I'm a Christian, and I have decided to save myself till marriage. I'm perfectly fine with that. My boyfriend is fine with that too (we've been together a month), and respects my decision. However, like any celibate person would admit, sometimes I get these truly surreal urges for sex: I catch myself thinking that maybe even a little bit of touching while kissing would be fine, or I just think about what it would be like if we ever got married and ended up sleeping together. I have said nothing to my boyfriend, in case he misconstrues it as an invitation, but it has recently been very, very difficult to resist, especially with all these hormones making me want sex. I want to stay true to my decision to stay premaritally celibate, and I will pride myself on not being tempted, however my urges make the battle all the harder sometimes. Any suggestions?
I'm 17. I love my girlfriend. Really. Real love. Love as in "I want to marry you. I want to respect you. I want to commit my life to you." We brought up the topic of sex a few months ago, but it didn't go any farther than "How do you feel about it?" From that little talk we concluded that it was something we both wanted to do.
That was nearly three months ago and I want to talk about it. Nothing dirty or anything, I just want to know how important (or how un-important) it is to her. I want to know that she wants to have sex with me because she loves me, not because she feels she has to. The problem is...I don't know what to say or what to do to bring it up to her. I fear she might think that I'm trying to tell her that I am waiting and begging for sex, which I am not. I'll wait for her forever. Any advice?
I'm 16 years old. The blade has been calling my name for 5 years now. It scared my parents to where they placed me in a mental facility 4 years back. It was the hardest time of my life. I was in 6th grade at the time. I was scared I wanted to end it all. Now I love my life honestly I have no reason for the blade anymore. My older brother has set an amazing path for me. Not doing any drugs, does great in school, has a great girlfriend. He's a perfect guy and the best older brother...I feel like I've let him down. This isn't just a habit, it's an addiction. Just the feeling of holding my razor gives me the feeling that the pains almost gone. I have a problem and I feel like I need help from a professional. Like I said...That period of time was the hardest in my life and I don't want my parents to go back to thinking I'm still depressed and suicidal, which I'm not. The main reason I think I do this is because of all the pressure I feel. It builds up inside me. My dad constantly makes me feel like I can't do anything right, I'm a star athlete for my high school crosscounty, varsity girls basketball team, and track causing me to feel like I have to win. People say it's easy not to cheat on your boyfriend/girlfriend. That's true if no one wants to have sex with you. I love my boyfriend we've been together since I was 12 and its a constant battle not to cheat on him. My parents are homophobic which is sad because I'm bisexual and they don't know because the fear kills my inside to tell them. I've never had a girlfriend but I've known I was bisexual since I was in elementary school. All of this is unbearable for me to take sometimes...and I give in and let the razor bite through my skin. Is there anything I can do to help with my cutting relapse without having to make my parents go though that again?
This guest post from the wonderful Anne Semans at the Moms in Babeland blog is part of our month-long fundraising effort for Scarleteen. Thanks, Anne!
One day about 20 years ago I was walking down Haight Street with my 6-year-old niece. This was long before I had kids, but well after I started selling sex toys for a living. It was San Francisco in the early Nineties, and Salt n’ Pepa’s song “Let’s Talk About Sex” was blasting out onto the city streets. My niece looked up at me and asked what the song was about.
My moment had arrived! It was my big opportunity to be the “cool aunt” and to seize on a teachable moment to explain the biology without any moralizing or stereotyping.
I nervously launched into a monologue about sex being an intimate act between two adults that brings them pleasure, and how sometimes but not always it can result in a baby being conceived, and that it can be between two women, two men, or one of each.
Finally I paused and asked her if that answered her question, to which she replied, “Oh, I thought they were singing ‘Let’s Talk About Six’, which is my age, so I thought the song was about me.”
Can you just hear the sound of my sex-positive-cool-aunt’s ego deflating? I’m not sure what she actually learned, but for me it was a great lesson in taking a moment to decipher what kids really want to know when they ask a sex question.
She was too embarrassed or confused to stop me, and I was so intent on getting my message across that I didn’t pause long enough to check in with her to see if I was overwhelming her with information! The other thing it taught me is that even though we think we might be over-informing kids at any given moment, they only process what they can handle. She had no recollection of this conversation when we talked about sex again some years later. I have also had this experience often with my own kids—you can explain some fascinating aspect of sex to their satisfaction one day, and then 6 months later they’ll ask the same question. Big lesson, especially with the young ‘uns: keep it simple, be repetitive, check-in, get back to them if you don’t have the answer, and above all, applaud their curiosity!
The other important thing I remember about this time, however, was how great it was that this song, “Let’s Talk About Sex” was a pop culture phenomenon. Here were women rappers advocating safe sex to a generation of young men and women in a way that made it seem hip, fun, and expected, which was in stark contrast to the sex=death message we were all getting in the wake of the AIDS epidemic.
In the years since then, a beautiful thing blossomed–the Internet–which young people flocked to for information that they might not otherwise have had access to (what, no cool aunt?). One of the websites that evolved, is what I now consider the “virtual” successor of that Salt n’ Pepa song: Scarleteen. This site offers sex information and advice for young people in a way that acknowledges and celebrates their sexual curiosity, and affirms their right to know. It advocates sexual responsibility in a way that young people can relate to, and my guess is, has saved countless teenagers from making big mistakes.
This post is part of Scarleteen’s Blog Carnival, an event designed to raise awareness around the importance of sex education and to help raise funds for the site. Please, particularly if you have any kids in your live, take a look at what makes this Scarleteen so special, pony up some money for them, and send the link to your favorite young adult.
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