I was sexually abused, so I was wondering will I only want to find someone who I'm going to stay with for sex?
I was watching a debate about sex education today, one rife with a lot of ludicrous statements, but the statement that quality sex education could not possibly help prevent sexual abuse stuck with me. It was all the more infuriating as someone who knows too well that a lack of knowledge about bodies and sex, and a lack of information about sexual consent and autonomy are some of the hugest reasons why sexual abuse is so prevalent.
Now, this is hardly a new form of cluelessness (nor is it exclusive to Canada: we've all but made an art form of it stateside). I've addressed this issue before, at Scarleteen and in some talks and interviews I have given over the years, and also in a piece a little while back for the Guardian in the United Kingdom.
Hopefully it's obvious the reason I, as a sexuality educator and activist, and Scarleteen, as an organization, provide sex education isn't just about preventing unwanted or negative outcomes, like unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections, or rape. We are just as deeply invested in doing what we can to help people assure and create positive, wanted outcomes with their sexuality and whatever sex lives -- even if it's no sex life at all -- as we are in risk or abuse prevention. We want our readers not to just wind up with a life that is or becomes free of negative outcomes or traumas, but which is also full of enjoyable, enriching positives.
However, I'm of the mind that one of the many fantastic things comprehensive, inclusive and progressive sexuality education of care and quality can offer the world and everyone in it is the possibility or actuality of decreasing and disabling rape and much of what enables and perpetuates rape. I also think good sex education has the capability of helping survivors of rape and abuse heal and feel supported and empowered. I care about this aspect of sex education a lot, both as a survivor of abuse and assault myself, as someone who advocates for and supports many other survivors and as someone who simply really wants for all of us to be able to live in a world without rape and other kinds of abuse.
What are some of the ways good sex education can help prevent and dismantle rape? Here's the transcript of our impromptu Twitter feed from this afternoon on the subject:
The Fourteenth of February is a day that can conjure up various feelings, depending on the person and the context. Often people fall into two V-Day camps: those who delight in the sweet celebration and those who wish it were February 14th that happens only once every four years.
However, for all the Hallmark-Holiday haters and loathsome lonely-hearts, I love Valentine’s Day in all its kitschy, cuddly, glittery glory. I don’t see it as a day reserved for couples, clichés and commercialization; instead I see it as a celebration of love for family, friends, pets, partners, and… ourselves. After all, as empowered drag queen diva RuPaul says so well himself on his reality show: “If you don't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”
Of course, Scarleteen’s here to give you some love in the form of information whether you’re flying solo, dancing a pas de deux or ballin' with your buds today. So, hand me a virtual pink-iced cupcake, generously sprinkled with a number of Scarleteen urls, and let’s dig in!
Love
What exactly is love? Well, that’s an age old question but we have some advice for you. It’s something you can feel for a romantic-sexual partner— or partners— but it’s not limited to just that even if all the Valentine's commercials might make you start to think otherwise. Still, it can be good to know when to take a positive relationship risk, recognize you need not be limited by geographic distance, that you can reconcile your religious beliefs with your relationship, that you can find balance amongst the various parts of you, that you’re just fine the way you are— in the body you’re in, that age doesn’t have to be a limitation, that relationships can change over time— and it's ok, that you can not just survive but thrive, that you can find a relationship thatworks for you, and that even when something doesn’t work out as you may have wished, there’s certainly no need for despair because if you're good to yourself and those around you, something good will come along you way sooner or later.
Sexuality
There’s no better day than today to start taking pleasure in your sexuality, be it alone or with a partner. Trade stigma for empowerment, and know when a bunch of baloney is just that. However, for all the frolicking and the fun, be sure to play it safe because you wouldn’t want VD, now known as STIs, playing any part in your V-Day: don’t fear, just love the glove and get tested regularly.
Solidarity
You can also at Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to thank those who have supported you as well as a chance to help others. Whether you do it person or give an anonymous shout-out at the message boards, you really can’t say thank you enough. It also could be a chance to reach out and be a buddy to someone in need or make amends with family and friends if you’ve found it hard to empathize and accept them in the past. Plus, there are so many ways to lend a hand, whether you’re thinking Haiti or your hometown, you can step forward and stand up for what you believe in: show others you truly give a buck about what’s important to you!
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Lena, formerly known at the blog as Femke, is a Scarleteen volunteer and creator and editor of the Spotlight on Scarleteen blog feature that helps readers get to know the site content and people who create it better. To read more Spotlights, click here. If you've read the Spotlight series in the Scarleteen blog in the past, you may have noticed the almost-brand spanking new logo created just for you, drawn by Lena and made shiny by Jacob.
I'm going to keep this short and sweet. (Well, short for me anyway.)
Why are so many of you kickass, take-charge gals leaving the buying, having and using of condoms only up to the men? I gotta tell you, it confounds my mind.
If you’re a regular at the main site, you may have already seen these two new articles: An Immodest Proposal by Heather Corinna and Let's Get Metaphysical: The Etiquette of Entry by CJ Turett and Heather Corinna. But if you haven’t gotten a chance to check them out yet, there’s a brief introduction to both.
Heather Corinna’s article, An Immodest Proposal by Heather Corinna, excerpted from the 2008 anthology, Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape, is a modern-day fractured fairy tale about first-time sex-- revisited and revamped!
If Heather were to moonlight as a song lyricist, instead of saying a half-hearted “Oops!”, pop princess Britney Spears would be singing, “Yea, I did it again… and can’t wait to do it again and again!” In her Proposal, Heather conjures up an ideal sexual world that is not just free of rape and violence against women, but one where women and girls are free to express desire and initiate fulfilling sexual experiences. An Immodest Proposal is sure to inspire and empower with its mudluscious imagery, tasty wording, and homage to fist-pumping 80’s power ballads. To borrow from ACDC, for those about to rock sexual stereotypes and shake traditional gender roles all lifelong, we salute you! And for those about to read, we encourage you!
When you hear the word etiquette, you may think of old-school guru Miss Manners telling you to always say “Please, Thank-You and You’re Welcome!” or you may hear a nagging voice at the dinner table telling you to chew with your mouth closed and say “Excuse me!” when you burp. However annoying that may be in practice or antiquated at some point, the basic idea behind etiquette is timeless: Etiquette helps us feel comfortable in our various social surroundings. People may not think of cracking open an old manners book before sex, but what is sex other than an intense social interaction where you and yours want to be as comfortable as possible?!
Fingering, fellatio, anal sex and vaginal intercourse-- talk about very up-close-and-personal interactions where you’re really opening yourself up to others! While you may not be able to turn to the original Miss Manners for advice here, but you know you can rely on Scarleteen. We now have our very own shiny and brand-new online sexual etiquette guide, written just for you by Sexpert CJ Turett and Scarleteen Founder and Director Heather Corinna. When you talk about personal space, many, many forms of partnered sex are quite up close and personal. In fact, a large part of sex is physically entering someone else’s body, their personal space, their realm; it can be amazing and awe-inspiring or just flat-out uncomfortable. For hints for enjoying more of the former than the latter as well as loads of introspective ideas to wrap your head around, please join us in getting metaphysical!
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What is Spotlight on Scarleteen? Find out more by clicking here.
There doesn't seem to be a week that passes at Scarleteen where we're not helping a user who is in some kind of crisis -- and often a whopper -- with an older male partner: pressured sex or a sexual abuse, a pregnancy scare (usually due to the guy having any and every reason why other guys can use condoms, but he's the great exception to every rule), a newly-acquired STI (again with the condom refusals, sometimes paired with lies about testing and sexual history), an abusive relationship (and often combined with a pregnancy scare, pregnancy or STI), isolation from friends or family (often beca
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