It's not even noon and I've cried at least 10 separate times today. Hooray.

I had another topic in mind for this blog entry, but I'm incredibly emotional today and just can't quite tackle the topic I wanted. One of the things I've discovered about pregnancy is that it amplifies everything. The good and the bad. When I feel good, it's like the most awesome thing that's ever happened. My other child smiles at me and it truly is like the sun shines down. Funny things seem funnier than usual. When I'm feeling ambitious, it really feels like I could conquer the world. I am super woman, I am super mom, I can do all things!

But it's really a double-edged sword, because with the good comes the bad. My temper is shorter. I've got much less patience for things that frustrate me. Last week, I cut off several inches of my hair just because it bothered me that day. Little things that my partner does that would be just a minor irritation and truly no big deal suddenly seem like the worst thing in the world. A sad song on the radio or something on TV can set off a wave of tears or paranoia. Those SPCA 'help the abused pets' ads are like kryptonite, they break me down every time. A recent episode of one of my favorite shows had a storyline where a child died in a house fire. I sobbed and felt intensely paranoid about my own house. A favorite children's author passed away today and I've already cried over that this morning. Over the past couple of days, I've been having a disagreement with someone very important to me and it's incredibly upsetting. I spent last night crying about it and have cried this morning until my head hurts. My brand new ear buds seem to have a bad connection and don't work correctly. It seems like the worst day possible.

These are, obviously, natural human emotions. It's normal to be upset by arguing with those close to you. It's natural to be upset about these things. On the other hand though, I also know that the intensity and duration of my reactions to these emotions are, in part, related to being pregnant. Under other circumstances, my normal coping mechanisms would be functioning better. I realize that it sounds cliche, but part of this is very much related to all of the hormones coursing around in my body right now and all of the changes related to this pregnancy. I'm not sleeping as well lately, my back and hips become sore after laying in one position for any period of time. I wake up constantly. The little one seems to enjoy becoming super active right about the time I want to lay down and rest. My partner & I are in the process of buying a house (incredibly, ridiculously stressful). I'm hungry but also concerned about eating too much because I have a feeling I may have gained too much weight lately (no idea if this is true or not, but for whatever reason I feel that way). The sciatic nerve pain has started, so I often have shooting pains down one side of my rear end when I walk or stand for too long. Pour all that into one person, shake it up and watch the fireworks.

It basically is like the creation of a perfect storm for hard to manage emotions. Thus I am where I am today. I'm not sure I can offer some magic solution for dealing with it. It helps me a bit to realize that (while the emotions are natural) I'm not entirely in charge of what's happening with my body & mind right now. I try to remind myself that it's okay to feel whatever a feel in any given moment, but that what matters is how I react to it and what I do about it. I can't beat myself up for the bad days. I can't let myself run so fast on the good days that I end up out of energy and miserable. It's all about moderation. Still, when you've cried 10+ times before noon, it's hard. It's just hard.

It's been an exciting and also unexciting couple of weeks. Life is changing, as it often seems to do.

At my last doctor's appointment I had gained a couple of pounds. My care provider was okay with this because it puts me back on the way to my pre-pregnancy weight. My partner was able to come to my appointment with me this time. We got to hear the heartbeat again. I'll also have my "survey ultrasound" (level II ultrasound) in the next couple of weeks. Sometimes people refer to this as a "gender ultrasound," although checking out reproductive organs is not even the primary goal of the procedure. It's not a required procedure. The primary purpose is to look at specific aspects of the fetus and see if there are any indications of possible abnormalities. The technician will take measurements of the limbs, look at the placenta & umbilical cord, and take pictures of the brain and spinal cord.

They also may be able to see the reproductive structures. In some areas, ultrasound technicians in medical practices are not allowed to give out this information, even if they can see it. In my area, they are allowed to give that information and I will probably find out about it. People keep asking me whether I think I'm having a boy or a girl. To be honest, I have no idea, nor does it particularly matter to me. I'm not going to run right out and purchase every pink (or blue) item I can find. I've got clothing and gear from my other child and will reuse as much of that as is possible. My partner & I are not huge on set traditional gender roles anyway, so it just doesn't matter at the end of the day.

The main reason we'll go ahead and find out (assuming they can tell during the ultrasound) is that if I can know information, I tend to feel like I should. Curiosity is just not a good look for me. I think I'm equally curious about where my placenta is attached this time. (The location of the placenta attachment to the uterus can sometimes influence how soon a woman feels movement. I'm feeling movement a bit later this time than I did with my previous pregnancy, so I'm curious about whether the attachment is in a different area this time.)

In other news, there are of course, some downsides to pregnancy right now. I'm now too big for all of my pre-pregnancy clothes. Maternity wear is ridiculously expensive (for clothing you'll only wear for a few months). I'm trying to buy as little as possible, but it sucks to have to do it. Going to work naked is not an option, so I really have no choice. It's also just weird to feel so big all of a sudden again. My body is changing much more quickly and visibly now. I have headaches a bit more often now and the anxiety sneaks back in sometimes. I worry about whether or not we'll get a new house in time (we need more space), how this will impact my work, what happens in the case of a job loss, etc. I try to take a breath and know that we've done the best we can to prepare for this, but it's harder some days than others.

It's been a busy couple of weeks (both in terms of life in general and in my pregnancy).

At the beginning of week 14, I had my most recent appointment with my OB/GYN. This time I'd only lost 1 lb in the month. While weight loss in early pregnancy is not completely unusual, in most cases care providers would rather see you maintain weight or gain around 5 lbs by the end of the first trimester. Since my weight loss is still relatively low (around 5-6 lbs total), my doctor is not too worried.

Because I hadn't had one in a year, I was due for a pap smear. During my first pregnancy, I had a pap before I became pregnant. However, had I needed an exam they would have done it during my first or second appointment. The office policy has changed since then and now if a patient needs a pap, they wait until you are more than 12 weeks to do the exam. I've never been particularly bothered by gyn exams, so as usual, I had no problem with this exam. My doctor conducted a regular physical (listening to my heart, etc.), did a breast exam, and then took the sample of my cervical cells and did the bimanual exam. He said that with pregnant patients they are extra careful when obtaining the cervical cells and only swab around the edge. They don't want to upset the mucus plug or irritate the cervix too much. (The mucus plug is pretty much what it sounds like. It is a little bit of mucus that creates a seal over the cervix during pregnancy. One of the things it does is to keep out bacteria.)

During the exam, my OB noted that my cervix looked healthy and was tightly closed. During the routine external part of the exam, he could feel the top of my uterus slightly above my pubic bone (right where it should be at this point in pregnancy). This is called checking fundal height. It gives the doctor an idea of how the fetus is growing. Overall, my OB said that everything looked healthy and right on schedule.

As further evidence that pregnancies vary, the first trimester of this pregnancy has been completely different than with my first pregnancy. With my other child, I had a low level of nausea throughout the first few months, but it was nowhere near the nausea I had this time around. In that pregnancy, I think I gained 1 lb total during the first trimester, rather than losing 5+lbs. Also different this time was my level of tiredness. The first time around, I was exhausted every single day, requiring a couple of hours worth of napping each day and still needing to go to bed very early. This time, I was tired but can make it through the day without a nap sometimes.

I've really felt much better during the past two weeks, thank goodness. I feel more pregnant, though I'm sort of waffling on whether I look pregnant or just heavy. My body is definitely changing. I actually feel hungry now, which is a welcome change. I've discovered my first craving with this pregnancy, hot & sour soup. This is really unusual for me because I don't typically love hot & sour soup. I'll eat it if it comes with my meal at a restaurant, but I don't seek it out. For the past week, I've felt like I could eat it every single day. When I had some at my favorite Thai restaurant the other day, I nearly licked the bowl clean. During my first pregnancy I learned how important it was to temper my pregnancy cravings. Don't get me wrong, I'm a believer in indulging when necessary. I don't cut myself off from things that I want, because all that does is make the desire for it worse. But at the same time, I don't want to over-indulge because that has some bad results as well. Once, I was craving wheat crackers and I sat down and *somehow* managed to eat an entire box of them. This was not a wise choice on my part. While my stomach felt okay about it, other parts of my digestive tract did not. Let's just say that the result was pretty much what you would expect after consuming a huge amount of fiber. It was not pleasant. So I've learned my lesson about letting those cravings get out of control. I'll stick with a bowl of hot & sour soup ever so often, not a gallon at a time (even though I really feel like I'd like to eat it by the gallon).

I feel like I'm behind this week. I usually start my pregnancy posts earlier, but this was a crazy week and I'm just now getting here.

Physically, I'm feeling much the same as I was last week. Although the fetus is around an inch and a half long now, I don't think my look has changed much yet. I have switched over to maternity pants because it is simply more comfortable. The nausea and tiredness are still there, as is the anxiety. But hopefully some of that should wane in the next few weeks.

This week, I've been thinking more about the social implications of pregnancy and I'd like to talk a bit more about that.

During my last pregnancy, I told family and a limited number of trusted friends and colleagues relatively early on. However, I kept things quite at work until it became so physically obvious that it was impossible to hide anymore. For women in the academy, pregnancy is not necessarily viewed as a wise choice. They worry that by having children, a woman won't be taken seriously professionally. That no one will want you after you've taken the "mommy track." For the most part, these things are not said to one's face. However, the underlying message about the dangers of family for women in the academy is often there. No one was mean to me about my pregnancy, and I did receive a great deal of support from many of the people in my workplace. There were certainly people who were joyful and supportive. But the undercurrent of caution was present from some corners and colleagues elsewhere as well.

(Please note, I'm not saying that this is the message everywhere. Like anything else, some places and some individuals will be more supportive than others. I'm primarily talking about my perception of the issue facing women in the academy.)

Apparently the internet ate the rest of my blog post! I'm sorry this looked unfinished. I'll try to recreate the rest so that this will make sense.

This time around, I decided I needed to tell my current supervisor sooner. I'm working in a different place now and my supervisor is different. I felt like it was important to be honest with him while he was making the schedule for the next semester since my delivery will be during the college year. So rather than hiding what was happening for 20+ weeks, I found myself telling at 11 weeks in spite of having some anxiety about it. Happily, the news has been received at my current workplace very positively. Everyone I've talked to is pleased for me and supportive. This is a distinct relief and it's a new experience really being able to be "out" about it and how I'm feeling.

I decided to share this part of the experience this week because I've been thinking about the those social implications. For any pregnant woman, the decision to reveal one's pregnancy is a very personal one. In the U.S., there are employment laws (for example) which protect against being fired for being pregnant. But at the same time, I know women who work areas where pregnancy is not viewed positively at all. While they may not need to fear being explicitly fired for a pregnancy, they may face other professional consequences (like reductions of hours, disapproval of managers or coworkers, being passed over for promotion, etc.). It is hard enough to be pregnant. It is hard to be a mother (whether you work outside the home or inside it). In an ideal world, no woman should need to be worried about the social implications of announcing a pregnancy in the workplace. Yet the evidence is there that many women still experience social consequences in their workplaces.