I'm 13 and I really need some help. I have been talking to this guy for ages on my phone and texting him. We have Skyped, and I know he might be 'one of those older people who have random children acting for them and they have voice filters' etc, but he has Facebook and I know loads of people who know him, but I just haven't met him. He is really nice and we both wanna meet each other... We decided we were gonna meet and I'm really excited. He says he wants to finger me, and he want me to give him head, that's fine because I have done it before so all's cool. Then when he asked if I wanted to have sex with him, I got creeped. Just need someone to say if I'm doing the right thing or not.
This summer, Arianna, who is one of our readers, wrote and produced a play at her college about sexuality which also included a fundraising ask for Scarleteen.
This month, Marlena, another Scarleteen user, surprised us with this incredible video she made as part of Project for Awesome, to do what she could to help support what we do and express her experience of what Scarleteen can offer to young people, particularly in a world which is so often unsupportive not just of youth sexuality, but of youth as a whole.
And now, in the last week, yet another fantastic young person began an ingenious self-designed fandom auction to help us here, an effort a host of creative, generous folks have hopped on so far to pitch in with.
We feel the information, support and services we provide for young people are things that young people truly are owed: things they should be able to receive for free from any of us who have the ability to provide them for them. Ideally, our hope is always that older folks with a greater ability to help support organizations and services financially do so that youth can simply take what they need from us as they need it and not have to worry about whether it will still be there for them or not tomorrow or next year.
At the same time, even though their resources are most often far more limited, we've had some young people step up now and in the past to do what they could to help keep us going. That's evidenced well by our fantastic and highly dedicated volunteer staff, all of whom are under 30. Young people have also given through our give-a-buck campaign (which sometimes also includes lovely thank you letters I keep on one wall of my office, letters which always make me smile). Over the years, some of our strongest donors have been those who used Scarleteen as young people, and years later, want to do what they can to say thank you and assure that we're here for other teens and twenty-somethings like we were for them.
We just can't thank all of you enough. Both for what you've been able to do to help provide financial support (support we think you really shouldn't have to give in the first place), but also because when you do things like this, it makes all of us who run and manage Scarleteen feel so great about what we do, have done and can keep on doing. All of the Scarleteen team love the work we do here, but it's hardly an easy job; it's one that asks a lot of our time and energy and requires intensely sustained motivation and determination, especially in a world where what we do and the way we do it is so often grossly unsupported, even though it's exactly what young people themselves are asking for. Efforts like yours are wonderful gifts. They're like having the most amazing alternative cheerleading squad an organization could ask for. Thank you.
Our thanks, too, to all of you, whatever your age, and in whatever way you've done it, who have already given us your support this year. Scarleteen has remained the kind of independent, grassroots media and free-range, progressive activism and advocacy we want it to be for all the years we have operated, and as we enter our 14th year, we are excited to be able to continue the work and service we couldn't sustain without your generosity. Thank you.
We're at the last day of end-of-year fundraising drive. I know how overwhelming it is this time of year with the flood of requests in your postal or email box asking for your support for so many organizations or issues. If you're like me, part of the overwhelm you feel is a deep desire to give to many of these when you know you can't possibly give all you'd like to to all of them, or even more than one or two, at best. Often enough, the most charitable and progressive of us also happen to have wallets whose skimpy contents are highly unreflective of our big-hearted desire to support the organizations and issues most important to us. I know that asking for even a little financial support is often asking a lot, which is one reason why I continue to keep Scarleteen one of the most cost-efficient organizations out there and continue to set our fundraising goals as modestly as I can.
This time around, we've unfortunately -- so far -- only been able to reach less than 1/3rd of our minimum-needed goal of $35,000. When we subtract the two highest donations from the $7,500 we've raised as of today, we're only looking at around $3,000 raised. Anything you can give will make a real difference.
If you can help out in the last days of 2011, we'd truly appreciate it. You can be sure every and any dollar you give to us will be stretched as far as possible to help us continue to provide the trailblazing, holistic sexuality education, information, services and advocacy for millions of young people around the world that we have since they started asking us for our help in 1998.
This isn't now or never. If you can't give now, but may be able to within a few months, that would be fantastic, too. Whether you can help out now or a bit further down the road, your contribution has real value.
If financial support isn't an option for you, we understand. But don't forget that as an organization without the budget to even adequately compensate one staff member, let alone have a paid staff of more than one, we always can use extra volunteers. For 2012, we could use any help you might be able to offer in the following areas, particularly:
If those are skills or services you can and want to offer to share, you can contact us here. Thanks!
Our very best to all of our readers, users, colleagues and allies as we wind up 2011 and enter 2012. We feel lucky to have you as members of our community as we enter another year of creating and supporting what we think is some of the very best sex and sexuality education on the planet for readers we strongly feel deserve nothing less. The very least we owe the young people in our world is to be half as awesome as they are, after all.
last updated 1/26/2011You probably heard that Siri, the new digital assistant on the iPhone 4S, could help someone find Viagra or a sexual escort, but not a family planning clinic, a local pharmacy to get a birth control prescription filled or an abortion provider. Whether that was intended or a glitch, it was understandably very upsetting. At Scarleteen, people can get easy help finding those important services and more through our SMS service, our fully moderated message boards, our growing Find-a-Doc database and, of course, our exhaustive information about contraception, abortion and other reproductive choices, sexual healthcare and so many other sexuality and sexual health topics.
Some people sure paid a lot of money for a tool that doesn’t serve them or others well. Scarleteen users get those services and much more for free. We give teens and young adults real people to talk with, for nearly 24 hours a day and 7 days a week, when the thousands of pages of in-depth, thoughtful information at Scarleteen don’t have all they want or need. While all of that is free to our users, providing it to them costs money.
You may have appreciated a recent piece on sex education at the New York Times. It profiled a sex educator who doesn’t limit sex ed to a dry curriculum, simplistic sound bytes or fearful warnings about the terrible, horrible things that will happen to teens if they engage in sex. We certainly appreciated it. Approaching sexuality as something potentially positive and enriching, rather than as only harmful, damaging or merely neutral is something we’ve always done. You may have seen this piece on why inclusive sex education is important. We know that, too: Scarleteen is inclusive of a spectrum of orientations and identities, including in our leadership and staffing. And we aim to be inclusive with more than just orientation, but also with gender identity, embodiment, relationship models, reproductive choices, socioeconomics, cultural and religious beliefs and more.
We know sex and sexuality aren't just about the bad things that can happen. We also know healthy sexuality and relationships aren’t things only heterosexual, gender-conforming, able-bodied, middle-class or white people can attain, and that one of the most important protective factors for healthy sexuality and positive sexual experiences and outcomes is real inclusion in sexuality education and support. Holding those kinds of positions limits our access to resources other organizations and initiatives who take a different stance have. But even when we’ve had to fight a long battle like we did with the ACLU over the COPA to defend these positions, we know this is what serves people best and is what we intend to stay true to, with or without media or political support.
Every year, millions of teen and young adult readers get the truly comprehensive sex and sexual health information, education and support they want and need at Scarleteen. Scarleteen users frequently express they find a level and a quality of education and service here they have not found anywhere else, including in school-based sex education and at other organizations or sites with exponentially greater resources.
We need your support because what we do costs money.
Scarleteen is an independent, grassroots organization without federal, state, institutional or foundational funding. We are, as we always have been, supported primarily by private, individual donations from people like you. And unlike some sex education services for young people that have come on the horizon lately who seek to charge them for information, we recognize the realities of the social and economic status of young people, and aim to always provide our services to them for free.
We often need to explain to potential supporters what it is we do and the many ways that we help young people. The fact that we’ve got more pages of original, thoughtful, in-depth and progressive sexuality, sexual health and intimate relationship information online than anywhere else makes some of what we have to offer obvious. But what might be less apparent to someone who isn't one of our young users is all of what we offer here and how much it can benefit them.
There’s also the user who utilized our text service after a sexual assault to get help gathering courage to go to the emergency room: we stayed on the line with her all day and into the night, giving her support throughout the many steps of that process. There’s the user who grew up in a socially conservative environment and married young, which was supported by his community, but who found himself without help or support from the same community when his wife filed for divorce, and when he realized that the strict gender roles he was raised with had resulted in the loss of his most cherished relationship. Or the evangelical user who engaged in sex before marriage and who struggled horribly with immense levels of guilt she felt unable to disclose to anyone in her community: she came to us for those conversations and that support. Or the homeless youth in Seattle this year who received pro-choice options counseling via our partnership with a local shelter: three young women made difficult choices with pregnancies, but all left these conversations with extensive resources and support for their different choices to terminate, arrange adoption and parent they didn't have before and couldn't get elsewhere.
Young people like these have said that without Scarleteen, they don’t know how they would have gotten through what they did and come out on the other side as well as they did. Young people like these rely on us to give them a kind of information and support they often say they couldn’t find anywhere else.
We know bad things or unwanted outcomes can happen. That’s why we dedicate so much time and energy to serving young people dealing with difficult trauma, issues or circumstances. However, not all of the young people who use Scarleteen come to us in crisis. Plenty come to us without traumatic experiences, or before they've engaged in any kind of sexual activity or sexual relationship. And that's just as important: we help young people create a foundation most likely to support healthy, happy sexualities and sexual lives and informed sexual choices they feel good about.
Users frequently voice surprise that we remember who they are as they come and go. Yet this isn't surprising for an organization who deeply engages with the people it serves as a core part of its model. We think this level of engagement and commitment is essential to serving young people well, particularly with issues as diverse, personal and complex as sexuality, core parts of their identity and intimate relationships.
A phone robot won't know or remember these stories and these people. Organizations who invest more time and energy in acquiring funding than in service, who base or change their missions or aims on the politics or whims of funders rather than on the expressed needs of those who need and use their services will not have a staff and volunteer staff who know all of these stories by heart like we do. Sex education initiatives which get hamstrung by social or political battles or by foundational or institutional red tape often never get off the ground to hear these stories or speak with these youth.
This level of service requires people with deep and abiding dedication and care, but it also costs money.
It can be easy to look at all we do for the many years we've consistently done it for and think we've got all we need to keep doing it. But we don't: the amount of funds we have to work with in a given year is typically about the same as the median income for one family in the United States, a budget which means closed doors for most organizations. We're proud of our ability to do all we have with so little, and proud of the profound commitment of our staff and volunteers. However to sustain our organization and all that it does and can do, we need continued and increased support.
That’s why we’re reminding you how much we need and depend on you.
You can assure Scarleteen remains available to the hundreds of thousands of young people who find what they want and need here each month by making a donation today.
Your contribution is something you can feel proud of because of the many young people's lives it helps us positively impact together; because of the dedicated passionate and compassionate education and support it provides them in an area of life where so many so often are undereducated and unsupported. Your contribution gets a thank you every single day through every young person who is able to use a fully comprehensive, caring service like ours. And it gets a big thank you from all of us at Scarleteen, who know exactly how valuable what you can give is, and who are grateful to you for helping us continue to do the work we so love doing.
If you'd like to know more about who we are, what we do and why and how we do it, or how else your contribution will be utilized, we've provided the links below as great starting points. We're also always happy to answer any questions you may have directly, including discussing larger contributions or private grants: feel free to email us anytime.
My 15 year old son has a first girlfriend who is a year older. My concern is that she lives with her dad only and quite often is home alone. My son has been there twice already and one time I made him leave because the dad was not home. I am besides myself about how to handle this. He said that he is not going to have sex with her but you know how that goes. I know what I was doing at 15. Do I make condoms available? But that would be condoning it. I will have a talk with the girl about not hanging at her house. They are always welcome at mine and I will try to speak to her dad about it.
Have you been through a breakup? Maybe more than one? If you have, you know how awful it can be, and how incredibly rough, especially when you're new to romantic or sexual relationships. Breakups between friends can be just as awful, too.
You probably also know that learning to deal with and get through a breakup is just as much of a learning process as learning to be in relationships is. Sometimes we'll have dealt with loss before breakups, so we have some clues and tools already when it comes to taking care of ourselves. But for plenty of young people, a breakup is a first major loss, and figuring out how to get through feeling so gutted while you're feeling so gutted can be seriously overwhelming.
Friends can be great sometimes, but not so great other times, even when they really are trying to do their best. Plenty of us know that quips like, "You deserved better than her, anyway," "His loss, seriously, you're so much better off," "Now you can go have some fun!" or "Oh, it was only puppy love," are often not exactly comforting.
And a person truly can only eat so much ice cream, only get lost in video games for so many days and only watch so many tearjerkers, despite the seemingly infinite supply of them Netflix streaming may offer. On top of all of that, some people's post-breakup behavior can be very unhealthy, resulting in harm to others, like stalking, harassment, or assault, or in self-harm. Getting help with coping well is really important for a whole lot of people.
So, can you help some of our readers out?
When you've been through a breakup -- whether you're 16 or 46 -- how have you dealt with it? What are the things that you found made you feel better?
How did you give yourself the time you needed to grieve over your loss, and how did you get other people to give you that space, rather than pushing you to move forward before you were ready? What were the things that got you from your grief space into a space where you could start to move forward?
What were the great things your friends or family did to help you, or, for that matter, the things they did that were utterly unhelpful?
In a word, can you step up, leave a comment, and be a shoulder for some of our readers who need one to lean on? We'll bring the ice cream if you bring the wisdom.
I want to focus this entry on the second of the optional questions in the demographics survey. Of the 2,000 participants who completed the survey, this question was answered by 1,530. The question was this: Since using Scarleteen, which of any of the following has changed for you, and by how much?
We saw a couple comments at the end of the survey, from statistics-focused folks, concerned that our aim was to state that whatever improvements users reported were solely because of Scarleteen. That was never the intent.
The intent in asking this questions was primarily to get a picture of what, if any, improvements relevant to what we address here our users were experiencing which may have been due to using our services or may not have been. What we most wanted to see was not the areas where we may have done a good job or where our users already felt things were going very well for them, but areas where it would seem sound to say we currently are not having the impact we'd like to with positive changes. In other words, this question seemed likely to be most useful in identifying our potential weak spots, rather than our strengths, and could give us a clearer sense on how and where we should look most to improve our content and approaches.
We also figured we couldn't expect many users to be able to identity if positive changes or a lack thereof had to do with their use of Scarleteen or not, or, if it did, only had to do with using Scarleteen. We do hear from users in direct services, in email, and did from some in comments to this survey, about how they feel Scarleteen plays or has played a part in improving certain areas of their lives. Some of the answers to this question were, indeed, reflective of some of the positive feedback we get.
At the same time, some of these changes tend to happen for some people as they move through adolescence and into adulthood, regardless. So, in the interest of intellectual honesty, as well as supporting young people's agency, we've framed this the way we did and are now because while we feel it's fair to figure that Scarleteen may have had some of the impact reflected in the answers, as these are issues we work on with and for users, but we also don't feel it is sound for us to claim a given level of authoritative ownership or influence with those changes with a survey like this.
I personally feel some the more illuminating answers, the answers most useful to us as an organization always aiming to improve how we serve our readers and users, and always needing to identify where we could do better or need to work harder, were the ones where a good deal of positive change was not reported. Some of those answers were surprising to me and to the volunteers as well: without that feedback, our awareness of these possible weaknesses would have been much more limited. (Thanks, survey participants!)
Here's that data in text, with the highest percentage of answers to each question bolded:
My relationships have improved (1,452 answers): No change, 10.4%, a little, 10.9%, some, 21.0% (305), a lot, 15.4% (223), not applicable, 42.4%. Comments reflected that many of the users answering either are not in relationships or feel their relationships are already of high quality.
I feel more able to make and respect my own best sexual choices: No change, 3.6%, a little, 9.5%, some, 22.5%, a lot, 42.8%, not applicable, 21.6%.
I practice safer sex more or more consistently: No change, 9.7%, a little, 4.7%, some, 11.1%, a lot 19.7%, not applicable, 54.8%. Again, some of this is was spoken about in comments regarding not being in relationships, or safer sex seeming to be something participants were already excellent at. However, given that we know from other data sources and one-on-one conversations with users that many people have incorrect ideas about what safer sex is and how to do it properly, and given some of the answers below reflect a good amount of respondents not doing part of safer sex at all, this answer still concerns me.
I use birth control more or more consistently: No change, 13.1%, a little, 3.3%, some, 7.4%, a lot, 17.3%, not applicable, 58.8%. See above, though also bear in mind that around half of our users are not heterosexual and many have no need for contraception when they are sexually active.
I have sought out sexual healthcare: No change, 18.7%, a little, 6.3%, some, 11.3%, a lot, 16.8%, not applicable, 46.9% . Again, some of N/A being the highest answer here is about users who have not yet had life or health experiences that facilitate a need for that care. At the same time, this is an area where we have often experiences many users clearly in need of that care who avoid it, so, this set of answers is a concern.
I have been able to ask a sexual partner to get tested: No change, 20.5%, a little, 4.2%, some, 5.2%, a lot, 9.9%, not applicable, 60.2%. While yet again, some of this may be because there has not been a partner to ask, we do often experience users who feel they don't have to ask or feel testing isn't needed when it is, so this answer also raises concern.
I have gotten tested for STIs more often (or for the first time): No change, 22.5%, a little, 3.6%, some, 6.9%, a lot, 10.6%, not applicable, 56.5%. See above.
I feel more able to set sexual limits and boundaries: No change, 7.3%, a little, 11.0%, some, 18.9%, a lot, 33.0%, not applicable, 29.8%.
I feel more comfortable talking/communicating about sex:, No change, 6.0%, a little, 9.5%, some, 19.4%, a lot, 42.2%, not applicable, 22.9%.
I have worked harder to be sure I have a partner's consent with anything sexual:, No change, 9.6%, a little, 5.4%, some, 12.4%, a lot, 25.8%, not applicable, 46.8%. Again, some of this is likely about a lack of relationships. At the same time, this answer is a concern because we find many people's ideas of when consent is needed and what doing consent well entails are often problematic or one-sided.
My confidence/assertiveness has improved:, No change, 9.8%, a little, 14.3%, some, 21.9%, a lot, 29.8%, not applicable, 24.2%.
I feel better about my sexual identity:, No change, 7.9%, a little, 9.8%, some, 19.1%, a lot, 34.7%, not applicable, 28.5%.
I feel better about my body:, No change, 10.8%, a little, 13.5%, some, 20.7%, a lot, 29.5%, not applicable, 25.5%
I have come out (w/orientation or gender identity):, No change, 17.8%, a little, 6.6%, some, 6.1%, a lot, 8.2%, not applicable, 61.3%.
I feel stronger in healing from sexual abuse or assault:, No change, 11.5%, a little, 4.0%, some, 6.1%, a lot, 8.2%, not applicable, 70.2%. While we see a high number of users who have survived sexual abuse or assault coming to us for information, help and support, the majority of our users have not been sexually abused or assaulted.
I have recognized areas in my life/relationships I could improve/ where I want to make positive changes:, No change, 8.6%, a little, 12.3%, some, 9.2%, a lot, 29.0%, not applicable, 30.9%.
If in school, my grades have improved:, No change, 22.9%, a little, 5.2%, some, 7.2%, a lot, 6.3%, not applicable, 58.4% While many of our users are still in school, our general sense is that the majority tend to already be very high-achieving.
Here's a taste of some of the comments (including a couple which support why automatically associating positive changes to use of Scarleteen would have been problematic):
So, where do we think either we're probably doing a good job for our users, or where are they are experiencing improvements already? With self-confidence issues, healthy relationships, body image and awareness, empowerment around making one's own best sexual choices, sexual communication, and sexual or gender identity. This is all great news for our users, whatever role we have played in these outcomes. We intend to keep building on these positives with our content and current approach.
Where do we think we need to work harder, rethink approaches and start trying some new ones, or create more content that addresses certain needs? While we've a great deal of content on safer sex, testing and contraception already, it seems we could stand to have more, and to try some new approaches in those departments. In those areas, it seems like we also need to be doing more to help users feel confident communicating with partners about these express issues, such as by asking for or about STI testing with partners. We've already launched the Find-a-Doc database to help users with access issues that present barriers to them in getting sexual healthcare, but we can certainly pair that with more content about why and how to seek out that care, and how to feel better about utilizing it. We already have a good deal of content on consent, but only one piece that focuses solely on consent, and it seems creating some more content to support it could benefit our users.
The really good news is that if the positives have to do at all with what we do, then we already have some excellent foundation to build on when it comes to working on what we can do to help current users improve their lives in those other areas, where positive change was less reported. For those where a lot of those things were N/A, we also have the opportunity to expand and improve our content and approach before they get to a point in their lives where these issues are something they need to address and deal with. Our goal for those users is to work on those improvements to prepare them well for those issues if and when they do become personally relevant to them.
As with the previous set of data, we're very open to your feelings, thoughts and ideas around these findings. Stay tuned for the last bit of information we have from this survey, from the general comments section, and then my overall perceptions and thoughts about the study findings, including some intersections of the data I think are important to look at.
Hi I am 14 years old and me and my boyfriend have been dating for 2 months on the 20th... we're mostly all teenagers here and young adults and can tell that guys want more than just make-outs, hugs and kisses they want sex... I wouldn't have a problem having sex with him. I am pretty sure he is still a virgin by 99.9% and I am also still a virgin and was wondering when the best time it would be to have sex, where and I am nervous that I will mess up some how.... Help please??
I’m a woman in my early twenties and identify as a feminist. Last November I was raped by someone I had previously considered to be a close friend. However, the assault itself isn’t what I am writing about. I’ve read many of Scarleteen’s wonderful articles on sexual assault and I am quite comfortable with the idea that what happened to me isn’t my fault.
Shortly after the assault, I started up a relationship with a man (which includes sex). I realise that it’s not ideal to start a sexual relationship soon after experiencing sexual assault. I don’t regret entering into the relationship, though, as it has (overall) made me very happy and has provided me with support to deal with my assault. My partner knows about my sexual assault.
A few months into the relationship, my desire for sex (intercourse) started to drop.
I am 17 now, and started dating this one fellow when I was fifteen. At the time he was 44. Of course, now he's 46, but that's not really the point. He's divorced and has two kids, one son 2 years younger than me, and a daughter the age of my own younger sister (12). I look after them for him sometimes. I feel like I really love him, but I don't really feel the same way about him. I think he's been seeing his ex-wife behind my back, as she is now pregnant and she's not in any other relationships, and Steve (my boyfriend) doesn't really want to talk about it, meaning he acts guilty. Our relationship has pretty much been sex, sex, sex, and me doing stuff for him from day one. I want to get out of this relationship, but I have never been able to stand up to him. I live with him, and I don't have anywhere else to go, as my parents kicked me out some time ago. I've kind of been seeing another guy, who is 19, but nothing really serious. This new guy is American, and he's making a life for himself (in a good university, etc.), so the choice is kind of obvious. But if I try to break things off with Steve, either he gets angry and hurts me (nothing too serious, just bruises) or he swears he'll spend more time with me. Which he doesn't.
Basically, I'm stuck with a man who has been my only sexual partner for two entire years, he's not the nicest bloke around, and he's nearly three times my age (older than both of my parents, too). I don't know what to do, and honestly, I'm a little scared.
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