I am 24. I am a virgin. I tried to have sex with my boyfriend. We didn't use condoms. He tried to put it inside of me. I was in pain. He went in a little. I was feeling uncomfortable. He was so angry. I told him, I wasn't ready. He was very angry. He told me to get over it. He is so frustrated. Is there way to get over the pain? Does lube work?
Earlier this year, I got invited to go to Australia to do some creative work, work that has nothing to do with sex education, and which I rarely get the chance to do any more. Before then, another university in Australia had pitched getting me out there to talk about the work I do in sex education. I don't travel well these days, but I still enjoy seeing other places, and have never been able to go to Australia before. What's more, one of the folks doing the inviting said they'd even take me to where they filmed Where the Wild Things Are. Anyone who knows me well knows that I have been a Max fangirl my whole life, so the idea of being able to run around where they did in the film version was a major perk.
I started looking at my schedule. My schedule which was, as it turns out, was already booked to the point beyond what I was already comfortable with and felt capable of. Honoring all of my existing commitments well was going to be challenging as it was, not to mention keeping myself from getting burnt out by all of them. Then I started looking at other things, like the budget for Scarleteen this year (which is looking grim) which impacts how much more I can do besides the work here. That didn't look promising, either. Sigh. I really, really really wanted to go. I really wanted to say yes.
But I realized there was just no way I could say yes to this now. I wanted to so badly, and it could have so much to offer me, but saying yes would also mean a host of not-so-great things, like wearing my body down into illness, winding up really behind on things I was already behind on, probably being more broke than I already am, giving less energy and focus to those I'd already made commitments to, not seeing my partner and my pug for a solid month, which would suck for all of us emotionally, but also ask a lot of my partner in terms of managing things here at home.
Long story short, it was clear, in evaluating this carefully and honestly, that choosing to say yes was not at all likely to result in all the good stuff I'd hope for in saying yes, and was also likely to deliver a lot of bummers that either wouldn't happen at all, or would be way more manageable, if I declined instead.
I had to say no when I wanted to say yes. Which always sucks, in the biggest way, especially when you really want to say yes, and really want to do the thing you have to take a pass on.
This is something that comes up a lot at Scarleteen, which is unsurprising since it tends to come up often in anyone's life. We hear about this from young people with sexual situations like:
These are just a few examples of the ways this can come up around sex and sexual (or potentially sexual) relationships. You can probably think of some more. But the theme is that one or more people really wants to say yes, but, using their best judgment, and really supporting the best outcomes, should probably say no, at least for now.
So often, when people talk about yes or no, especially with sex, it's assumed that a no is something someone will only say when they don't want to say yes. While that's certainly true sometimes, it's not always true: sometimes we say no (or maybe, not now, not yet, or yes, but only when ) when we want to say yes. Sometimes we say no when we really, really want to say yes and it freaking kills us to have to say no. A lot of the time, that spot can be tougher to be in, that no harder to say, than when we want to say no when we feel all or mostly-no, and little to no yes at all.
It sucks to turn down an opportunity we truly want. It's also tough when others are involved because they often feel bummed out, too. Worse still, sometimes the other person knows that we want to say yes, uses that to try and sway us from our better decision. It's all too easy to be persuaded to say yes when that is what we'd rather say.
One-time-only isn't always the given it feels like. It's easy to get stars in our eyes and go with the dramatic feeling that a wanted opportunity will only come along once, so if we don't take it right then and there, we'll neverevernever get it again. Not only is that often untrue, but usually when we want something, we also want it to go a certain way. For instance, if we want to start a sexual relationship with someone, we probably don't want the other person to get hurt: we want it to feel good for everyone. If we want to be out for a partner (and ourselves), we probably don't want that to be something which mostly brings us harassment and no support or acceptance.
Most of the time, the good stuff will keep until it can really be good stuff, or will come back around again, and we can have a chance to say yes when the situation or timing is much, much better. And perhaps more to the point, if a given situation isn't really the right one for us or others, or the timing is off, we will often go for something or say yes to something that can seem like the door to what we really want, only to discover that the specific conditions turn it into something that wasn't at all what we wanted.
You can accentuate the positives, including in the negatives. By all means, when saying no, we can talk about the reasons we want to say yes, like that. Even around your no, and the reasons for it, you can come at it from a positive place. What are the other good things you want for you or the other person or people involved that you or they just couldn't have right now if you did say yes? For instance, part of what you want and don't think you can have yet is all of you feeling good emotionally about sex AFTER sex, not just during. You want an experience to be as beneficial for them as you think it will be for you, or vice-versa. If you say no for now, and say yes later only if the situation has changed so those mutally-good outcomes are a lot more likely, saying no now isn't a bad thing, but a good thing that can make bad things less likely and good things more so.
In other words, not only can a no when yes is wanted, all around, be a better thing than it appears, talking about the things or feelings we already have to be at a yes, and then the things that our no is about can help us and others to identify what we really need to get to that yes and have it be as great as we want it to be.
Remember that you can also always leave the door open if you want. Now, the other person may or may not take you up on it later, because that's just how life goes: our timing, and everyone else's is often off. But they just as well might.
No to something sexual or relational is sometimes a "No, not now," or "No, not in this particular situation." If you know what you'd need to feel best about saying yes, you can put that out there, as a "If and when we have X," or "If there's ever a time when you want Y, like I do," followed by a "give me a call," or what have you. Most people, most of the time, have conditions around sex and relationships, they don't just say yes to everyone or every possibility. Having limits or conditions not only is totally okay (even if they feel sucky sometimes), it's healthy. Someone without any limits or any boundaries is usually someone who isn't in a sound space to be intimate with anyone, and if often someone who can get really hurt or deeply hurt others.
If the other person is a heel about your no, hold your line, get out of their way if needed, then give yourself a pat on the back for dodging a bullet. If and when another person won't accept our no, because they know we want to say yes or for some other reason, and they try and talk us out of nixing, that's usually one of those moments where we can know exactly how much of a bullet we dodged when we did say no. In other words, when that happens, it's usually proof that saying no was a really smart choice, because they're showing us things like a lack of respect for our own wants and needs, an inability to consider things that have to be about more than them without only considering what they want or could get, a lack of emotional maturity or patience, and sometimes even a cue that they might not be safe or our relationship may be unhealthy or abusive.
For example, let's say that instead of being as gracious and understanding as he was, the person who offered to bring me to Australia had said, "I KNOW you want to go, Heather, even though you're saying this won't work for you. Just say yes. You know you really want to," or "But this is really important to ME, so just do it, okay?" or "If you don't say yes now, even if I want to or can, I will never, ever invite you again because I don't like that you said no to me."
What does that show me? For starters, that I could probably expect those exact same kinds of dynamics if I took the trip, which would have possibly made parts of it, or all of it, a nightmare. That that person might not even be safe for me to be around, for that matter, since they aren't doing a very good job of seeing me as a separate person, with separate issues, wants and needs from theirs. Also? Flatly, they'd be showing me they're a bit (or more than a bit) of an asshole.
Of course, that doesn't mean that dealing with that kind of dynamic is easy or fun. If and when something like that is going on, the best you can do is express and hold your line; be thoughtful and kind, but clear, with the other person about it. You can even offer to talk with them about their own hard feelings, making clear that their feelings of disappointment are okay, but trying to get you to change your mind isn't. Then you make space for yourself as needed. They might need it too, so they can process their own feelings.
If they keep pushing, pressuring or otherwise trying to get you to give them a different answer even when you do all of that, then the next step is to just get gone, even if it's hard and that's not something you want, either. Whether it goes that way, or the other person chills out and starts acting with more maturity and consideration, don't forget to give yourself credit for a good choice, even if getting it out there and respected, or holding it, was challenging or rough.
These kinds of calls are a sign that we have or are developing emotional maturity and sound decision-making; that we're getting skills, or already have them, when it comes to doing a good job taking care of ourselves and others well. All of those things are open doors to the best stuff in life.
Making these kinds of choices thoughtfully and where we're looking at the big picture, rather than just leaping at any and every opportunity we want is part growing up and developing emotional and interpersonal maturity. It's also a huge part of self-care, and you probably already know that if we can't care well for ourselves, we probably can't care well for others or be cared FOR well by others, either. While at the time, saying no when we want to say yes can feel crappy, what usually happens is that very shortly afterwards, we and others will instead feel really good: way better than we'd have felt if we made a poor or hasty choice. Feeling disappointed about nixing an opportunity we wanted blows, as can dealing with someone else's disappointment, but most of the time, feelings of disappointment don't stick around forever: they usually pass and are often eclipsed by better feelings when we're making our best choices.
When we're younger, it can be tough to visualize or imagine how very long life often is, and that includes how long we have to live with our good decisions and our poor ones. Sitting with a poor choice for a long time really blows, especially if that choice creates tough outcomes that extend how long we have to live with that choice. Sitting with a good choice usually gives us lasting good feelings, all the more so if and when -- as often happens -- making that better choice opened us up to more of what we or others really wanted, or to getting what we really wanted, just a little later on.
If you need a little extra coaching with this, you can look no further than our dear, wise friend Max, who shows us how it's done.
But the wild things cried, "Oh please don’t go - we’ll eat you up - we love you so!"
And Max said, "No."
The wild things roared their terrible roars and gnashed their terrible teeth
and rolled their terrible eyes and showed their terrible claws
but Max stepped into his private boat and waved goodbye
and sailed back over a year and in and out of weeks and through a day
and into the night of his very own room, where he found his supper waiting for him
and it was still hot.
P.S. From the looks of things, it seems like I'll be able to go to Australia next year, instead, when this would be way better for me, and be something I could plan with more advance to assure it went better. See how this can work? :)
I'm 13 and I really need some help. I have been talking to this guy for ages on my phone and texting him. We have Skyped, and I know he might be 'one of those older people who have random children acting for them and they have voice filters' etc, but he has Facebook and I know loads of people who know him, but I just haven't met him. He is really nice and we both wanna meet each other... We decided we were gonna meet and I'm really excited. He says he wants to finger me, and he want me to give him head, that's fine because I have done it before so all's cool. Then when he asked if I wanted to have sex with him, I got creeped. Just need someone to say if I'm doing the right thing or not.
I've been dating my current boyfriend for 5 months now, and I really am ready and willing to have sex. But, he's not. He wants to, and he's curious but he feels that he shouldn't? I don't know what to do, I don't understand why he's feeling this way about it. Is there something wrong with me? Something he's afraid to say? Or is he just really scared himself? Help!
My 15 year old son has a first girlfriend who is a year older. My concern is that she lives with her dad only and quite often is home alone. My son has been there twice already and one time I made him leave because the dad was not home. I am besides myself about how to handle this. He said that he is not going to have sex with her but you know how that goes. I know what I was doing at 15. Do I make condoms available? But that would be condoning it. I will have a talk with the girl about not hanging at her house. They are always welcome at mine and I will try to speak to her dad about it.
As we've explained in the past, like here, with proper use, condoms actually break very rarely. The common mythology that condoms are flimsy and break all the time is just that: mythology, not reality. Different studies on latex condom breakage tend to reflect a breakage rate of around .4%, or only 4 breaks in every 1,000 uses. So, if you're having condoms break often, especially before you've even used them a few hundred times, it's not likely something is wrong with condoms, but that something is wrong with the way you're using them. That's not surprising, since a lot of people don't get good information about how to use condoms correctly, or ever see clear, slow demonstrations of proper use where they also get the chance to ask questions.
Since we've been having some users lately reporting patterns of breakage, we thought we'd take a few minutes to walk you through a review of some common issues that tend to make breakage more likely, so that those of you using condoms can avoid breaks and have them provide you the high level of effectiveness in preventing pregnancy and STIs you are using them for.
Have you checked the expiration date? Condoms past their expiry date are much more likely to break, because the latex can start to break down. If they're past the expiry date, they also may have been shuffled around for a long time. The expiry date put on a condom -- which you can always find right on the package of every individual condom -- is usually for around five years after it's been manufactured, so you've got a pretty good time window. Our advice? Make sure a condom is not only within its expiry date, but around six months ahead of it, the time when a lot of condom resellers dump a batch instead of continuing to sell them. Don't use condoms past their expiry dates: toss them out and get yourself new ones.
Are you or your partners storing them properly? Sometimes people carry around what we'll call the "wishful thinking" condom. That one condom they keep in their wallet from the dawn of time, thinking if they have that one condom, they'll be more likely to have an opportunity for sex. Or maybe you just think that will assure you'll never be without a condom when you need one, which would be great if the condom you had had been stored properly.
Condoms need to be stored somewhere that doesn't get too hot or cold, where they're not directly exposed to sun or fluorescent light, and where they don't get bumped around a lot. Back pockets, wallets, the bottom of a purse or inside a car dashboard compartment are not sound places to store condoms. If you want to carry a condom or two around with you, find something you can put them in that protects them, like a pencil case, or in the box they came in if you bought a whole box. There are also cases made expressly for storing condoms, and sometimes when you buy condoms, you might find some already specially packaged in a storage case.
Condom storage is also something to think about before you even have the condom yourself. Some places that sell or dispense condoms don't store them properly, potentially screwing them up before you even get them. That's why machines that dispense them aren't such a great place to get them, nor are places like gas stations, which often keep them near the front windows, where it can get hot or sunny. When purchasing condoms, look for them to be in a spot where temperatures are moderate and they're not in direct sunlight. You also want to avoid hand-me-down condoms, too, however well-intentioned the person who gave them to you may be. Who knows how that person stored them.
Leaving room in the tip? You don't put condoms on like you put on a sock or stocking, where you pull them all the way on so that they're snug at the tip. Instead, we need to leave a little bit of room -- around a half inch or so, or the width of two fingers, if that's easier -- at the tip for ejaculate and so the condom can move around a little bit. That makes them feel more comfortable, too.
Using enough lubricant? Plenty of condoms come pre-lubricated, but that's only a smidgen of lube. More times than not, especially for intercourse that goes on for a while -- and more so with anal intercourse than vaginal, since the anus doesn't produce its own lubricant -- you'll need some extra lube right from the start, or to add lube during sex. Even with vaginal intercourse, while the vagina often produces its own lubrication when the person with the vagina is aroused, lube is often still needed. It's pretty common for younger people to feel nervous or have issues with arousal, so not being as lubed up on your own as you might be otherwise is typical. Too, if you're using a hormonal birth control method like the pill, one common side effect is a drier vagina. While we don't endorse mixing sex with drugs or booze, being wasted also tends to impact lubrication, especially with alcohol. By all means, drinking impairs our judgment no matter what, making it a lot harder to use condoms at all, let alone properly, but it also often inhibits parts of the sexual response cycle. Whatever the reason, chances are awfully good that you need more lube than a condom itself offers. Plus, putting a drop or two of lube inside the condom, as well as more liberally on the outside, makes condoms feel a lot better, too.
Feeling funny about using lube? Don't, seriously. People have used lubricants for as far back as we know, and if you ask us, beautifully engineered, clean lube in a bottle or tube is a serious improvement over animal guts or blubber, something we know people way back in the day used as lube. The idea that a body creating enough lubricant on its own gives a person some kind of sexual status, and that not being lubed up enough on your own means something is terribly wrong, are both really problematic ideas. Lube makes things feel better most of the time, and it helps condoms be more effective. We can probably agree that there's no status in sex feeling less than as good as it can, or in a condom failure.
Remember, what you use as lube with latex condoms matters a lot. When buying lube, look for the tube bottle or packet to make clear a lube can be used with condoms. Oil-based lubes or oils, lotions or vaseline are NOT okay to use with latex condoms.
One condom per customer. If you have the idea that two condoms at a time are better than one, ditch it, and fast. That only increases friction, which increases the possibility of breakage. Only use one condom at a time.
Same goes for thinking thinner condoms will be more likely to break: that's not true. Thinner condoms often feel better and are just as effective as thicker ones.
Does the condom fit? Condoms really aren't one size fits all. Sure, most brands will fit a lot of people just fine. But some brands or styles don't work for plenty of folks. So, if a condom is really tough to get on or off, hard to roll down, won't roll down all the way, or feels uncomfortable, try out some different sizes or brands. If we have to struggle with condoms, we're more likely to put them on wrong or just ditch them altogether. And with so many options in condoms, there's no reason anyone should have to use a size or style that doesn't work for them. The right condom usually feels great and works just as well. Even if you're getting condoms for free from a clinic or school, you'll often have more than one option, so snag a few different ones when you can.
Carrying condoms when you're not the one wearing them? If so, see if you can't buy variety packs, so you have more than one style or size around in case another just doesn't work out. Most condom manufacturers sell combination boxes of a couple different styles or fits, sold right where you can get boxes of only one style or size. If you feel funny about having a variety and worry about judgment from a partner, remember that what you're doing is having an assortment so they're most likely to have a condom that feels good for them. Every partner is going to appreciate that.
Are you or your partner hanging around after ejaculation or starting intercourse again without changing condoms? Male condoms are manufactured and designed for a single use: in other words, for only one session of intercourse or one ejaculation. After ejaculation happens, it's really important the person wearing the condom withdraws pretty immediately. If you want to continue that sexual activity or start again, you need to put on a new condom.
Breaking during oral sex use? That's even more unusual than breaks during intercourse, but if it's happening, we've got one word for you: teeth. You've got'em, and they're sharper than you think (just ask your lunch). If condoms are breaking during oral sex, and they were put on properly, stored properly, and are within the expiry date, teeth are probably the issue here. Remember that during oral sex, you've got to watch those little sharpies, both for a partner's comfort, but also when using condoms.
While we're talking about teeth, don't forget that they're not what you want to use to open a condom. That can easily rip or tear the condom. You want to use your hands to open a condom, not your mouth.
Practice makes perfect. So does patience. If you're racing around in a big hurry to put a condom on, it's a lot easier to make mistakes. And when everyone is turned on, they can be a lot tougher to notice. So, if you aren't already an expert with putting condoms on -- whether you're the person who wears them or not -- practice. If you are the person wearing them, practice during masturbation, where you don't have the pressures we can all feel when there's a partner there. If you aren't the person wearing them, get some condoms and find something suitable to practice on: the age-old banana is always an option, and one of our users today said she practiced using a deodorant can.
Remember that it's ideal for everyone involved with condom use to know the right way to use them and how to put them on. Not only can putting them on for a partner make condoms feel like part of sexual activity, rather than an interruption, we all have different levels of experience and skill with condoms, as well as different levels of condom education. So, if both people know how, and one person is doing something wrong, rather than finding out the hard way, the other person can easily make a correction so condoms work as well as you want them to, every time.
Don't forget about the female condom! If no matter what you do, male condoms (and we know, this female/male language doesn't make a lot of sense, and certainly isn't very inclusive, but it's what they're called right now) don't seem to work out for you, try a female condom to see if that works better. Female condoms are non-latex, and far roomier at the base and through the shaft than male condoms are, and they can also be inserted well in advance of intercourse to help you avoid game-time fumbles. As well, if you or a partner prefer not to withdraw soon after intercourse, that's okay with female condoms in a way it isn't with male condoms, which are more likely to break or slip off when withdrawal doesn't happen soon, or if intercourse is something you continue after ejaculation. Female condoms can be a bit tougher to find, so if you want to try them and are having a hard time finding them, check in with your local sexual health or family planning clinic.
Have questions or want someone to walk you through all the steps of proper condom use so you can be sure you're doing it right? We've got your back: come on over to the message boards, or use our text service. We're happy to talk with you one-on-one.
P.S. We just got a helpful addition to this list from Scarleteen reader and peer sex educator Katarina Albrecht. She said, "Another important point: Do NOT poke your finger carelessly into the tip to correct the direction for rolling them off! We teach people to blow into the tip to change the direction or be reeeally careful with their nails. We've been seeing so. many. girls (and boys) do this with their long, sharp, nicely manicured fingernails." Thanks, Katarina!
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