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I'm 15 years old and was sexually abused for two years in the past. How do I get over my intimacy issues?
The last boyfriend I had, anytime we were physically intimate, my chest would get really tight, I'd often start to shake, and I'd go into this blank zone where I'd just stare at the ceiling and my body would be completely unresponsive. It was really scary. Sometimes he would notice and ask me if I was alright, and I would just kind of nod numbly so I wouldn't disappoint him. Since that relationship, I've dated a little, but now it's gotten to the point where even kissing makes my stomach roil. I've had to stop seeing them so I wouldn't be put into a situation where they would try something physical. I cannot bear the thought of anything remotely sexual, and I feel like it's rapidly becoming an unstoppable downwards spiral.
I want to enjoy intimacy, not be terrified and repulsed by it. It's odd having my sisters gush over how good it feels when I just want to throw up. I feel really abnormal. I also feel like I'm never going to have a working relationship because what guy is going to want to be with a girl like me? It's frustrating, because I'm perfectly okay with all the other aspects of a relationship (of course I'd like to have someone to hang out with and cuddle with and all of that), but I'd just like it without the sex part.
What should I do? Is there any way I can fix this? I'm currently in therapy, but I still don't feel quite ready to open up and tell my therapist about my intimacy issues. It's easier this way. I hope you can help, I don't know what to do and I certainly don't want to get any worse!
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and 9 months. From the very beginning, I made it extremely clear that I was not ready for sex and not going to be for a long time, if not until marriage. He said he respected it, and we agreed not to pressure one another until we were completely comfortable with decisions we had both made as a couple. About 8 months into our relationship, we discussed our sexual boundaries and agreed that we were comfortable with dry humping. Kissing and some fondling was all that we had experienced before. Everything with that was fine, and I began to give him hand jobs about 3 months later, but it was very rare. He had no issues with that either, except for the fact that he wanted to return a similar amount of pleasure to me, but I explained I wasn't ready for that, and he claimed it was fine. In the summer we went to the beach, and it was the first time I'd been around him in that little of clothing, so I was already nervous. He didn't say anything reassuring, but he was all over me the entire time. By the end of the day, I felt used and disrespected since he had tried to pull my bottoms down a little while standing behind me, but I was not expecting it. That turned into our first major fight, and I eventually broke up with him because of it. (continued below)
Hey, I'm 15, just turned, and bisexual. I can help but wonder if this is because of my hormones or if I really do like girls and guys. I mean, I like kissing both sexes, but I haven't had intercourse yet, and I need to find some way of determining how I feel. I'm proud to say I'm bi, but I don't want to be saying it and lying.
My girlfriend and I have been dating for one and a half years and are in a long distance relationship (I visit her once a month). When we first starting dating (it wasn't long distance then) she was crazy in bed and really open about sex. But recently she has been wanting to talk less and less about sex. She doesn't say anything if I even mention something that is sexually related. I asked her why, and she said that she doesn't feel like thinking about that kind of stuff and that she feels dirty for thinking about it. She doesn't seem to have ANY sort of sexual attraction to me when just a few months ago she couldn't keep her hands off of me. I understand that she is going to college and is very stressed out, but can stress completely shut off someone's sex drive? How can I talk to her without offending her or making her think that sex is all that I am interested in.
Hello. my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and are on the verge of separating. The reason mainly being is that we have not had sex and therefore his feelings did not evolve and he fell out of love with me. But now I am ready to have sex and I am really in love with him. The only problem is that he wants to date other people. My question is that if we have intercourse (we both love each other...his love for me now is not romantic) is there a chance of saving our relationship? I know sex is different for men and women. Is there a chance that he might feel the spark again and might even start falling in love with me?
A friend of mine referred me to this website to sort out some of my complications that arise during sex. I am 17 and have been sexually active for probably the past 6 months but not once have I reached an orgasm. I have no idea what is wrong with me and I am desperate to find out because it is destroying mine and my boyfriend's sex lives. I can orgasm through clitoral stimulation but that is it and I do not know what else I can do. Please help me because I don't know what is wrong with me.
My boyfriend and I have been together about 6 months. We are very compatible in terms of interests and values (the outdoors, conservation of resources, frugal living, healthy eating, etc). I am 22 and he is 60. Both of us have had sex with only one other person in our lives--me, my ex-boyfriend and him, his ex-wife.
He wants more sex than me. Big surprise. He's a man. I understand that. I enjoy sex when we have it (1-2 times a week), but I don't want to push myself to have it when I'm not in the mood. My boyfriend is very understanding intellectually, but his body wants much more. We've been talking about this quite a bit, and the fact that he is willing to talk tells me he is a good man. I don't want any strife over this, so I was wondering if you knew of any coping strategies that might work to help us compromise.
On a deeper level, he acknowledges that he uses time with me as an escape from his worries, whereas I tend to bring my worries into the time we have (I'm a student, so I have to do homework on weekends, for example. I can't just forget about work.) He tends to be very goofy, knocking me onto the bed, tickling me, etc., and it gets tiring responding to this. He says, "I'm sorry I like you more than you like me." How am I supposed to respond to that? DUDE! He's old and I was knocked flat with desire the week I met him! I pursued him because I couldn't imagine letting him slip through my fingers.
He says he wants to live with me, and get married. I don't think that's a good idea if he uses my company to escape his troubles--we won't get through anything if he keeps using my company as an escape. Understand that he is a decent, principled man; he married the girl he got pregnant 40 years ago and stayed with her to raise the child. Consequently, he wants to be understanding of my needs and is compulsive about birth control. We simply have a conflict due to our respective sexes and sex drives. I wonder what we can do.
Hi. I'm 18 years old (female) and I've been talking about having sex with a guy friend of mine. I'm very inexperienced and so I'm pretty nervous about this. I don't want to do it and then regret it later. So I have couple questions i was hoping you could help me out with. First of all, if it's going to be my first time but not his should i have him get a STI test(and should i get one)? I feel a bit awkward asking him to because we're not in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship - if you have any ideas on how i could bring this up to him that would be great. I don't think he has an STI or anything but obviously i can't be sure. Secondly, since I'm inexperienced in the sex department and I'm a naturally shy person anyway how can i make myself more comfortable during any kind of sex? Thirdly, am I going to bleed all over the place since it is going to be my first time? On your site you have said that the bleeding is pretty light buy I am just wondering. Lastly, is it wrong to have sex with someone you're not in a relationship with? I feel comfortable with him and I know if we had sex it would be because we both wanted to - not because anyone was feeling pressure. Thanks so much for answering my questions! I really love your site - it has such great information!
Hi again: the advice you'd given me before was excellent, thank you so much. After discussing it with my boyfriend I decided not to have sex with him. Which is good because it's all going downhill now.. and if I had lost my virginity to him I'm positive I would feel a lot more cheap than I already do.
I made a deal with him. He would stop drinking, and I would take my pants off for him. Sounds a little off, right? But I didn't think I'd have to till until at last a few more months! It's only been 2! Yesterday some friends and I were discussing how older men like younger women... my boy friend is 6 years older than me. I didn't think it was too wrong at first because I'd known him 3 years and just got together with him 2 months ago. But not all of my friends know, and one said "what would man that old (27) be doing with a girl that young (18)" that's kinda close to my boy friend and I's ages. So it got me thinking "what the hell am I doing?!" and the same day I was going to see my boy friend. I talked to him about it... and he said: "no baby you don't see me not valuing your opinions, I don't think it's wrong, you're much older than your age, I'd never use you" and he always mentions us being together in the future. and he says he 'loves' me. I don't love him. and I haven't said it to him either. But his actions speak louder than his words.
Last night was the worst. We were making out and touching and stuff and to be honest I wasn't exactly feeling it..we'd just had the serious discussion like 3 minutes before! Then he undid my jeans and tried to take them off and I said no and he said "you promised" and said 'yes i did but i didn't think it'd be this soon' and he kept trying and I kept saying no.. then he just.. stopped. he moved away from me and i just sat there not knowing what to say.. he said "u took them off before" and I had, even I don't know why I didn't take them off again. We sat there in silence until I finally got off the bed and got ready to leave. I stood there and he was still laying down and I asked him what's wrong he said nothing, what's wrong with me. I said nothing and it was just silence again! I said I had to go and he said ok come here. I went to him and he hugged me and we started kissing again and he pulled out his thing and had me give him a handjob. I went home, called him, he said he'd call me later. He didn't. not one call not one message, nothing. he hasn't called all day. What a way to make a girl feel cheap ey?
I feel like that was the last straw. He got angry with me because I wouldn't take my pants off? I just don't know what to think. I feel like ending it with him. I was seriously much happier when I was single, and had a whole lot more respect for myself. I've never felt so low about myself, and I just don't know what to do about my situation. Could you please help me out?