I think I feel more pregnant this week. It's amazing the impact that something the size of a grape can have on a woman's body & life.
My not-morning-sickness has kicked itself up a notch. For the most part, I feel fine until early afternoon and then start to get really nauseated. This feeling often continues through dinner, making trying to find something I can eat a real chore. With my last pregnancy, I had nausea pretty much all day but it was less severe than what I find myself facing this time. And then there are the random scents that set off the nausea (and occasional vomiting) at other times. That's always a (not) fun surprise because I often can't predict which smells will be a problem.
I'm still tired, though I'm less tired than I was with my last pregnancy. Some days I can actually manage without a nap. (During my previous pregnancy, I could not make it through a day without a 2 hour nap in the afternoon.) This time though, I realize that when I start to get tired, I also get more anxious and my nausea will increase. I've had more anxiety with this pregnancy than I would have expected. I tend to be a worrier in general and have dealt with some anxiety in the past. However, since I conceived I've been far more anxious about this pregnancy. I often find myself thinking that there is something wrong with me and the thoughts are more common when I'm tired. Studies indicate that anxiety can be a common thing for pregnant women. Pregnancy and/or parenting have a big effect and bring added stress to women's lives and the hormonal and physical changes can alter things too. This is something I'll be talking to my care provider about during my next appointment. I'm also considering prenatal massage, as I have read that it has been shown to be helpful in reducing anxiety. (As a note, for anyone considering massage during pregnancy, it is important to see bodywork practitioners who are trained and certified to work with women during pregnancy.)
Like many women who have some kind of ongoing health issue, I've found that pregnancy aggravates things that are already underlying. In my case, the result is fairly mild. I have eczema (a skin condition where I get dry, itchy patches). I've had it since I was very young and, in my case, it tends to be aggravated by major hormonal changes (puberty was a nightmare). It generally has a minimal impact on me now unless something else triggers an outbreak. However, pregnancy for me seems to be a key activator. I have to moisturize myself constantly in an attempt to prevent any problematic areas (which would then require treatment with prescription medications to control them).
Beyond that, it is still not obvious that I am pregnant unless I've told you. My clothes might be fitting a smidgen tighter, but I don't "look pregnant." With my first pregnancy, I wore all of my regular clothes until I was probably 3-4 months along. At that point, my pants were becoming uncomfortable (even though I still didn't look very pregnant at that point) and so I switched to a maternity pant. Anecdotally, I've heard from many other women that the change to maternity pants happens sooner in subsequent pregnancies that it does in the first. I'm not sure if this is due to abdominal muscles that are familiar with the stretching necessary for a pregnancy or if you just realize how darn comfortable those elastic waist pants are and want to start wearing them sooner. (Yes, I realize that pants with an elastic waist are not fashionable in general, but they might some of the most comfortable things in the world. Besides, they make plenty of fashionable maternity pants and skirts these days where you would not even realize they have elastic unless you saw it or somebody told you.) I don't know how long I'll stay in my regular pants, but they fit for now.
My partner and I told our families about our upcoming addition this week. Outside of our family and a few friends, nobody knows (except for all of you, of course). It's not obvious just from looking at me and I haven't felt the need to out myself to the world just yet. It is a personal decision about when to share the news with the world. Many women choose to wait until after they've reached 12 weeks (when the likelihood of miscarriage decreases). Others may wish to share the news right away. I'm not sure when I'll start telling people, but eventually it will feel right and I'll let the cat out of the bag!
My 15 year old son has a first girlfriend who is a year older. My concern is that she lives with her dad only and quite often is home alone. My son has been there twice already and one time I made him leave because the dad was not home. I am besides myself about how to handle this. He said that he is not going to have sex with her but you know how that goes. I know what I was doing at 15. Do I make condoms available? But that would be condoning it. I will have a talk with the girl about not hanging at her house. They are always welcome at mine and I will try to speak to her dad about it.
My partner and I have been together for about 6 months now. He's 17 and I'm 16. We have unprotected sex sometimes, and I think I might have gotten pregnant. I won't be able to tell until next week, but I'm kind of crampy and bloated already. I don't know if those signs are too early to be pregnancy symptoms or not, but I have no clue how to tell my mom I am pregnant if I am. What are ways to tell her that will be easier on me and my boyfriend?
This is a guest post from Dances With Engines as part of the month-long blogathon to help support Scarleteen!
I was hoping to make a post for the Scarleteen Blogathon that was pleasant and sweet and that would inspire people to make donations, and to do it without touching on my personal experiences. But there’s no way for me to make a post about sex and sex education without digging at old wounds. Isn’t that part of the new paradigm, anyway, where personal experience has authority?
Scarleteen is written for young people of all sexes and genders. That they manage to do so with so much consistency and dependability is amazing to me. As I become more conscious of my own binary and oppositional language (men do this, women do that, and only men and women), I get more impressed with Scarleteen.
When I recommend websites to my daughter, or to friends with growing children, I am always questioning—is the language and mission of this site going to be inclusive? Is anyone going to be left feeling like they don’t belong or that someone’s wrong with them? I felt like that, growing up. There were so many reasons I wasn’t human, wasn’t visible. Growing up in a conservative environment where I was defined by my sex and my ability to reproduce, having a sexuality that didn’t meet the norm left me in limbo.
As I grow as a feminist, I also want more intersectionality, and Scarleteen acknowledges the importance of this as well. I find that reading their blogs and articles—as an adult—helps me file off the old codes imprinted in my psyche and my thought. While Scarleteen is written for young people, it has helped me to complete development of opinions and identity that were broken short by trying to conform to my family and their community of choice.
Reading Scarleteen as a teen would have taught me that certain things that happened weren’t only wrong: they were illegal. It never occurred to me as a young woman that someone wasn’t allowed to do that to me. More than that, it never occurred to me that it wasn’t my fault. It took me into my forties to really grasp that.
I read Scarleteen because it helps me heal, I read it because I want to be a good parent to my teenaged daughter, and I read it because I want to make sure it continues to be a good resource that I can offer to other people. I read it because I’m a writer and I want to be constructive in my work, I want to write outside of the constructs given to me by me history.
I jumped at the chance to blog and to donate to Scarleteen because I wish it had been around when I was a kid. I love the way that it addresses young people as people. I don’t believe that children are chattel; I believe that they are capable of making wise choices when given consistent, comprehensible, non-condescending information, and when they can have faith in each other and the adults who are addressing them. One of the greatest disservices that we can do to our children, and ourselves, is to lie—no matter how noble the reasoning may seem.
Scarleteen does all the right things, in my opinion. It doesn’t lie. It treats its readers with respect—whether they are conservative or liberal or progressive. As a whole, it wants its readers to be true to themselves, no matter how that manifests.
I was raised in a conservative Christian family, where the entirety of my education on the act of sex was limited to the fact that I was to be married and that I was to lie down for my future husband as necessary, preferably to produce babies. Literally: the woman lies down with her legs apart. Nothing more. Until then, it was my responsibility to prevent men from having sex with me, which they would try to do, because I would do that to men, make them want to have sex with me.
Reading something like Scarleteen wouldn’t have made me run out and have sex. Information doesn’t do that to people. It would have saved me from being the victim of misinformation, self-hatred, confusion, and repeated sexual assaults. Supporting Scarleteen means—in my experience, and without hyperbole—that other children and young people will be saved from those things as well.
That’s worth a donation, or at least taking the time to share a link with someone else. If you do nothing else, share the link.
This entry is from Omnipotent Poobah, and part of the Scarleteen Blogathon
At the risk of dating myself – at least not in the eHarmony sense – I am from the sex education dark ages.
In my day, Just Say No was Just Don’t Say Anything. Moms and Dads, more often than not, didn’t have “the talk” because of their own shocking lack of knowledge or because they were too embarrassed. Teen pregnancy and sexual diseases were relatively rare. And gay kids? Well, they simply didn’t exist.
Sex ed was limited to the 6th or 7th grade when all the girls were herded out of gym class to see a film about “that time of the month” while the boys played baseball…in the winter. Many of the girls emerged from the film visibly shaken and, so far as I know, none ever revealed the true nature of the film to the boys.
Of course, that left teens to their own sexual education. And teens, as they frequently do, thought they knew more about things than any adult could possibly know. In those days, they unfortunately may have been right.
In an era before the Internet – and personal computers for that matter – there were few ways for kids to learn about sex or become more comfortable with their own sexuality except by repeating the same misinformation amongst themselves. As a result, many a young girl disappeared with an “advanced case of mono” before coming back noticeably thinner and much less fun-loving than before and sometimes boys dropped out of school because “the family needed the money.”
Because my wife and I came from that era, we pledged we’d treat our own daughter differently, even at a young age.
At four, she already had a concept – appropriate for a four-year old – of how pregnancy worked. The were no cabbage leaves or storks, only a frank discussion when she asked questions. That policy sometimes created some odd conversations with our first grader.
Daughter: Dad, do you and Mom have sex?
Dad: You know how sex works, right?
Daughter: Yes.
Dad: And you know you are our child, right?
Daughter: Yes.
Dad: Then what does that tell you?
Daughter: I guess you guys have sex.
When she became a teen and asked more adult questions, we continued our policy. We encouraged her to use sites like Scarleteen to learn more. We explained the pleasures and pitfalls of her nascent sexuality and told her it was okay to go to Planned Parenthood for birth and sexual disease control and we’d not question her about it. And, she did.
Today she’s equipped to venture into a sexual world with the knowledge she needs and Mom and I are both pleased and relieved.
From the mouths of Scarleteen and children comes modern wisdom.
I urge you to speak out about your own sexual education, see what others are saying, and support Scarleteen’s important work.
Part of the 2010 Blogathon to help support Scarleteen. This entry is courtesy of Tess at Urban Gypsy.
If I earned a dollar each time I’ve heard the statement, “I’m surprised you’re so strict,” in relation to my parenting, I’d be basking on a beach in Tahiti now rather than on a Metro North train whisking me off to do a sex ed consult on the Lower East Side. I’d probably be doing sex ed consults in Tahiti; you can take me out of NY but you can’t kill my desire to help people learn more about their sexuality. But back on point, I can always hear the implied, “you with your pierced nose, tattoo, open marriage and non-stop sex talk.”
The funny thing is, my friends may have been surprised but my daughter was not. When her thirteen-year-old best friend got her belly button pierced, there was, of course there was, some whining.
“But why can’t I,” she implored. “I don’t see what the big deal is.”
In parenting style reminiscent of the worst of my own parents, I snapped, “You can’t because I SAID SO.”
To her credit, she stopped whining but it made me question myself and the answer was that she deserved a real answer. First, I needed to understand just why it was something I deemed inappropriate at her age and the old “it’ll get infected” wasn’t cutting it. Spending the evening examining the issue allowed me to come back to her the next day with a more well thought out answer, delivered in much less of a shriek.
“I’m sorry I yelled at you yesterday and I think you deserve a better answer to why I don’t want you to pierce your belly button yet,” I began. “The thing is when you pierce your belly button, you sexualize your body, whether or not that is your intention. It’s sort of like having an arrow painted on your belly that leads to your crotch. And it invites a sexual attention that at thirteen you’re not ready to handle.”
She didn’t say much, just nodded her head, taking it all in, and I imagine trying to form defenses in her mind, and finding none, she was content to let it go. She’s nearly sixteen now and it seems to have lost the allure it once had since she hasn’t brought it up again.
This discussion, and most of our subsequent ones, took place in the car. It’s the perfect place to get your child’s nearly undivided (cell phones and radios just won’t go away) attention and hold them captive for a short (or long) time. And on one of those long drives, returning from Pennsylvania, we had a talk about relationships. The mom of the pierce-bellied friend had heard her daughter mention open marriage and was freaking out as to where her angel could have heard such a term. Knowing Jenny Block’s Open and Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up reside in my bedroom, I had a good idea where that might have come from.
Personally, I don’t think a fourteen year old needs to know her mom and dad sleep with other people, but I don’t think it’s harmful, in fact I think it’s beneficial for her to know that there are other types of relationships and as long as the parties involved are happy, it’s no one else’s business what the terms of their relationship are. In a nutshell, I told her that her dad and I don’t have the same relationship many married couples have, but that we love each other and while we aren’t always happy with the way our marriage is, we are committed to each other and to her and work hard to make it better. Again, she’s an accepting kind of child when things are explained to her in a non-condescending way. And she hasn’t ever brought it up again.
Time passes, I wait for teaching moments, and after she had been dating her boyfriend for about six months, I knew the time for the talk had come. Now, at fifteen, with a steady boyfriend, and one who buys her pricey jewelry at that, the question wasn’t will they have sex but when will they have sex.
After a few months of her dating him, I had told her I didn’t think she was ready for sex but that also didn’t sit very well with me. A talk with a very wise woman, a sex therapist herself, clarified where I had gone wrong.
“You made a judgment call by telling her you don’t think she’s ready,” she said. “So if she wanted to do it, it’s already more difficult for her to talk to you knowing you don’t think she’s ready. And really, how would you know if she’s ready or not? She’s the only person who can make that call.”
Sigh.
Contrite once again, I approached her. “Awhile ago, I told you I didn’t think you were ready for sex, and I realize that I was wrong. You’re the only person who should decide that. I don’t know if you’ve had sex or not, if you ever want to talk to me about it, I’m here to listen, but I do know that if you haven’t yet, you will soon, and my concern is about how you want to protect yourself.”
“Well,” she said, “Tina is on the pill and it really cleared up her skin, so I think I’d like to do that.”
“Okay, I’ll make you an appointment with the doctor as long as you promise that even on the pill you will use condoms. I always have condoms in my nightstand and you can just take them anytime if needed.”
And so, my little girl is on the pill. I’m proud of her for taking responsibility for herself, for attempting to prevent an unwanted pregnancy and for (hopefully) practicing safer sex.
I may be a strict parent in some senses, but I am a realistic parent. I know all the wishing and denying in the world isn't going to kill the budding sexuality of a teenager and I'd rather deal with it openly and honestly. The things I've heard other parents say make my head hurt. "My daughter is afraid of me," intones one delusional father,"so I know she won't do that," springs immediately to mind. Just seeing my daughter roll her eyes and snicker when I ask if she thinks that is actually preventing this girl from engaging in sexual exploration is enough for me.
I know I've got it right. Arming our children with knowledge is the best way, the only way, to help them make good choices and better decisions.
Please help Scarleteen continue to provide comprehensive, inclusive and original sex education for millions of young adults each year. You can donate to Scarleteen here.
Im 13 and a vigin and my boyfriend is 13 and not a vigin, and we're 100% ready 2 have sex, but the problem is that hes in south carolina and im in minnsota. Wen I lived in sc he went 2 my skool and we never talked. But there was a girl that would always say bad stuff about him, like hes slept wit every girl in the skool and hes such a bad guy, blah blah blah. so 1 day i messaged him on myspace and i gave him my number 2 txt me. i wanted 2 hear his side of the story. we got 2 no each other and we fell in love. im just worried that hes not done with his cheating ways, n that after we have sex hes gunna leave me. 1 of his ex's says that hes telling her that he doesnt love me and that he wuld cheat on me, but it depends on who. and that hes jus using me. idk wat 2 believe anymore!! i love him with all my heart and we believe were soulmates!!! ive never felt like this b4. and he says the same thing. my question is: how do ik he is gunna change and not leave me? and how do ik hes not jus tellin me wat i wanna hear? he says that im gunna b perfect in bed, but im jus so worried that im not gunna b as gudas he hopes. how do ik i'll b good? i really need 2 no!! im desperatly confused and dk wt 2 do!!!! my mom says he means wat he says 2me and that she's been threw sumthin like this. my heart says to stay with him and my gut says that stay with him but yor gunna get hurt. i jus dk. i really need help!! Thanks Heather!!!
I was at my boyfriend’s house a couple days ago and his parents left to bring his nephew to a race car show or something like that. While they were gone, we decided to have intercourse. His mother walked in the house to find us in his bed having sex. I was so embarrassed; I put my clothes on and just laid there. I didn't say one word after that, I just kind of sat on the floor and cried. I called to get a ride home immediately but now I'm scared she's going to tell my grandmother who is my guardian and I can tell her myself. I want to know how I should tell my grandmother I'm sexually active and if I should write a letter to his mother apologizing. I feel she might hate me now. I don't know what to do...
I have been raped on several occasions by my father and it is my fault. I should have listened to my mother but I didn’t. I am now 16 years old. Being in the world is the last thing that I want right now. I tried to kill myself on several occasions. I feel so dirty and worthless at this point. I have realized that since then my period takes months to come, the last time I had it was 5 months ago. When it comes it stay for weeks sometimes months. Since I have been raped, is this affecting my cycle?
© 1998 - 2011 Scarleteen/Heather Corinna. All Rights Reserved.
Best viewed with Firefox • Privacy Policy & User Guidelines
Subscribe to our RSS feed.