Here in the hemisphere I live in, we're into the swing of summer. Ah, summer, my personal favorite season. I love the sun, the warmth, everything blooming, the energy, the spirit of the season. As an alternative educator all my life, though, I miss out on that thing where teachers get summers off (though I've also known few teachers in the public sector who could afford to take the summer off, anyway), and as the Executive Director and lead educator at Scarleteen, I really don't get downtime. Summer is and has always been our busiest season. Eh, so it goes.
It's also the time of year when we tend to see the most new users coming to us because they're in a crisis or a panic, or are just really, really feeling down in the dumps. I'm a lot more concerned about those of you in that space than I am about my feeling occasionally gypped out of a summer vacation. We know that the idea of summer as a happy, carefree time for all young people doesn't square with the reality that for plenty, it's not, whether that's about tough stuff happening, or about having experiences that aren't negative, but are just super-challenging.
With that in mind, here are a few tips and things to think about as you get into (or grapple with) your summer groove:
If you're doing any partying this summer, party safe. Potential legal issues aside, we all know that when we're partying, particularly if that involves any kind of drugs or alcohol, that it can be pretty easy to cross the line from letting go a little to things winding up really out of control, sometimes to the point where people get hurt in very serious ways, whether that's about alcohol poisoning or drug overdoses, injuries, or sexual or other assaults or abuses. Around sexual assault and other kinds of intimate partner violence specifically, it's important to be very aware than even when just booze is part of the picture, the rate of abuse or assault goes up exponentially. The US Bureau of Justice Statistics, Alcohol and Crime, documented (1998) that two-thirds of victims of intimate partner violence reported that alcohol was involved in the incident, and that perpetrators of violence had been drinking in an estimated 45 percent of cases and their victims had been drinking in 20 percent of cases. In 2002 alone, over 70,000 students between the ages of 18 and 24 were victims of alcohol-related sexual assault in the U.S. (Hingson, R., Heeren, T., et al. "Magnitude of alcohol-related mortality and morbidity among U.S. college students ages 18-24." Journal of Studies on Alcohol, 63)
When drugs or alcohol are on the scene, we've just got to know that while they may make us feel like we can be more relaxed, they're actually reasons we need to be more vigilant and mindful of our safety and the safety of others.
If you're hanging out with people you don't know well and trust -- it's pretty common to find oneself in or around new social circles when out of school -- bring someone with you who you do know and trust well, and you can look out for each other. Looking out for each other means helping each other to avoid being harmed, but also helping each other to avoid doing harm. Looking out for each other can also involve helping each other to stay moderate in your consumption of any substances, rather than binging or otherwise going overboard. Make a pact with whoever your party is that if either one of you seems like you're getting out of control or someone else seems to be aiming their out-of-control towards you, you'll help get both of you out of there, and to a safe space, ASAP. Don't forget that you, like everyone else, also always has the option to just opt out of parties where there's drinking or drugs, which can be a particularly smart choice if you don't feel confident about dealing with the tough stuff that can happen in those situations or don't have anyone you know will have your back, without question.
Avoid choosing to get sexual with someone when you're intoxicated in any way, especially someone you don't already have some kind of solid history with where you know you both can do a good job looking out for one another and have a good sense of each other's boundaries and nonverbal consent and nonconsent cues. If you're feeling the sexy vibes and want to pursue some kind of sex with someone in that situation, the better bet is to just trade numbers then, and connect again later when you're both sober. Not only does that help keep you safe, it also helps you avoid choosing to be sexual with someone who seems awesome and amazing when you're blitzed, but in the light of day, without the beer goggles, is the last person on earth you'd want to get down with.
Want extra tips on partying safely? Check out the following resources for some helps:
Summer can mean having more time where your parents or guardians aren't around, which can often mean more private time. For sex. It's great not to have any kind of sex in a five-minute rush or a back-of-the-mind panic around people coming home, but just because you might finally have the chance for some real lone time doesn't mean that's what you or a partner are ready for, or what's right right now, just because you have more space and place for it.
So, know what else you have extra time for? Opening your mouth. Communicating clearly, openly and well with current or potential sexual partners. Asking each other the big questions, and making sure that your sex life isn't just about feeling things out with your hands or other body parts, but also about feeling things out in hearts and minds, together. Take advantage of that extra space for talking more about sex instead of just having more sex. Not only does more communication tend to result in smarter choices and less STI, pregnancy and iffy emotional risks, it also tends to result in better sex that people enjoy a lot more. Part of talking more is about protecting each other from the crummy stuff, but it's also about nurturing the fun stuff, about communication that expresses what you've been enjoying, what you want to explore, and all the positive ways you're feeling. feeling tongue-tied? We can help.
Our users also often voice that during the school year, finding the time or space to get the sexual healthcare they need can be tough. So, how about taking advantage of the extra time during summer for that? If you're already sexually active make sure you make time this summer to get up-to-date with STI testing, other preventative care, and with your method of contraception if you need one. If you're not sexually active now, but think you might be soon, how about scheduling en educational visit with a sexual healthcare provider to find out ahead of time what you need to know to make your own best choices and be prepared to be sexual while still reducing your risks of unwanted or unhealthy outcomes? Need help finding a provider? We can help with that, either through our youth services database here, or can give you one-on-one help via our message boards or text service to find someone you can access and afford near you.
Remember, you also have some extra time to get the sex information and education that you need. So, that thing or issue you feel like you don't know that much about, or aren't sure you have the right information on? That occasional rainy day is a time when you can really take time going through a site and resource like this one.
Grand romance...stuffed into five minutes. If we do get involved in a summer romance (or lustmance, or both), especially if we're away from home, or the other person is, it can be easy to feel like we have to try and cram things that would part of a longer relationship into a very short time, or rush into things because we worry the opportunity we've got is the only one we have. It can feel sometimes like we need to have or create the Cliff's Notes version of a relationship.
By all means, if you feel good about being spontaneous, and you and whoever else is involved can have things move a little faster than usual while still feeling prepared, emotionally and practically, to deal with that and the outcomes, it's not like there has to be anything wrong with a taste of the whirlwind. Just be sure that you do try and check in with yourself and the other person often and thoughtfully, rather than getting too caught up in the flow. There's always time for talking and negotiating, and if and when there's not, that's often the signal of a bad-news scenario you'll probably regret, rather than the makings of a lovely, wistful summer memory. The really good stuff in life rarely is something that won't wait when we need to wait or feel like we or the other person would feel a lot better if we did, or like what we'd do in a hurry would be a lot more fun and beneficial if we slowed it all down some.
Need some help with that? We've got a piece that can help you out.
Sex couldn't possibly be more boring than this. Oh, sure it could.
You don't need me to tell you that sometimes life is boring, and that it's easier to get really, really bored if you're out of school and don't have anything, or enough, to do. Sometimes that winds up resulting in having sex because we're bored.
Often, that tends to be a pretty crummy motivation to have sex, no matter how old people are, and one that often results in sex that isn't that exciting, either, or which we wouldn't otherwise choose if we were not So. Very. Freaking. Bored. If and when we feel apathetic and super-whatever about life, we can also wind up taking some sexual risks we'd rather not, too.
This is just another place to check in with yourself and someone else. If you or they seem or feel like you're settling, just accepting sex because it's there and nothing else really is, or besides being sexual time spent together is a total yawner, find something ELSE to do that isn't so boring, something that engages you, that you earnestly feel passionate about. Once you do that, you can review a potential sexual situation through clearer eyes, eyes without the murky, milky haze of nothing to do. And then if you do choose to be sexual, still, chances are good it's not only going to be safer and sounder, but also a lot more interesting, rather than just one more thing to feel bored with.
Summer lovin'...when it's about everyone but you. Speaking of summer romances, maybe it's not you having one. Maybe it's your best friend. or a few of your friends, Or, good gawd, all of your friends. Except you. You might feel lousy about that, both because they seem to be having such an amazing experience, and because on top of that, you've wound up with less to do and experience yourself this summer with your friends all tied up in romances.
We're not going to say that can't suck, because it really can. But do try and keep it in perspective, and remember that falling in love or in list aren't the only great adventures out there or ways to have awesome life experiences in summer or at any other time. In fact, when those are our only great adventures, it makes for a pretty blah life, usually with pretty blah people.
Figure out ways you can also get immersed and engaged in something great that really makes you stretch this summer, whether it's some travel, a summer job or volunteer gig (if your folks are paying your rent, take advantage of a time in life when you can work for free and thus, do anything you want!), or starting or finishing a creative project you can give loads of time to, whether that's starting or joining a band, making a zine, building a website, taking a self-defense class, constructing the world's largest sand castles, or forging a new trail in some nearby wilderness. Even just getting outside, without any real purpose or great aim, sure beats the alternative of not doing anything else at all but feeling lonely. It can also make getting through next winter feel like less of a drag.
If you're looking to meet new people for potential relationships, many of those things are also way better ways to do that than being the perpetual third wheel of your best friend and her girlfriend or sitting in your room being bitter and pissed.
If you're looking for volunteer opportunities or internships, here are some organizations we really like, and some resources to help get you started (we also can always use volunteers, too!):
How did last year go for you as far as having the kind of support and community you need? Summer can be a good time to set yourself up now to be better supported for the summer and the coming school year, and a good time to get help if we're stuck with anything in life, or struggling with things that we just don't seem to be making any headway with on our own. So, if you know you felt like you didn't have squat when it came to, say, LGBTQ community and backup last year, use some spare time now to find out what's around for you that you can use. Did you grapple with depression or anxiety last year? Why not talk to your doctor or community center about counseling resources while you have some extra time so that you can better enjoy the rest of the summer, and walk into the school year feeling more able to deal with it right from day one. Not sure what your new college offers in terms of any kind of support resources? Do some research now, before you go, so you know what those resources are before you need them in a pinch. Summer can be a really great time to take care of ourselves and feel great about it.
Don't forget: we're always available to help you, and not just in crisis, but with ways to help prevent being in crisis in the first place. We're glad to help you think through sexual and relationship choices carefully and with some extra perspective. We can help you better communicate your wants, needs, limits and boundaries to new partners or potential partners. We can help you figure out if a given kind of relationship or sexual situation really fits who you are, where you're at right now in your life, and if it does or doesn't seem likely to really fit what you know you want and need. We can also help you tweak things a bit when those relationships or situations seem mostly good, but when you know or get the sense that you or a partner want or need something a little different or extra for everything to shift from good to great.
Happy summer!
I'm 16. I've gone through 8 sexual partners in the last year. And 5 of them only in these past 3 months. I've only had one boyfriend in my life. I cheated on him. Twice.
I feel like I'm easy, maybe I am. I will tell myself that I won't have sex with a guy, and then I end up doing it anyways. In that moment I truly do want nothing more than to get it on. I am juggling two 'sex buddies' one of whom is a friend and the other is more of a stranger I sleep with. I suppose it wouldn't be such a bad thing except I only get sex when they want it. Frankly I'm a little fed up with this routine. I get horny too, but apparently that doesn't count. I enjoy sex, and I'm not afraid to say that. I can achieve an orgasm almost every time I have sex. But as soon as were finished I feel like shit. I don't really know why this is. I have inquired that maybe I use sex as a tool to make myself feel wanted and cared for. Or that I'm guilty to have maybe abused sex. Or simply that I am fucking... and not making love. I don't know what to do or what this is about. I don't know if you can console me, but any efforts and advice would be appreciated.
Crossposted at Girldrive
Debates about "hooking up," swinging from genuine concern to hysteria on both sides of political spectrum, have been raging throughout the 2000s.* And this week, it's seemed to bubble up to the surface again. I've spent the day reading ruminations by teen girl expert and Teen Vogue advice columnist Rachel Simmons, the always-thought provoking Kate Harding of Broadsheet, and Amanda Marcotte, who gives us a searing and passionate rebuff of any sort of nostalgia we might have about dating rules and traditions.
This rips open a wound for me--I spent most of 2007 contemplating this issue. But I'm gonna weigh in afresh now that I've just celebrated 2 years with my healthiest, post-high-school, Completely Committed Relationship (technically marriage, but that's another story)--the sex-and-love "holy grail," according to the many women's and teen magazines Kate lists in her Salon piece. Before, it was my "sorta" this or my "fuck buddy" that or my "I wish I knew what he was thinking" friend-with-benefits. And I gotta say, no matter how much I railed against Laura Sessions Stepp and Dawn Eden and Miriam Grossman and all the other rightwing, anti-feminist cautionary matrons, the facts remained: I knew how it felt to agonize over a text message. I knew how much it hurt to hear that the guy I'd been hooking up with "didn't do relationships." And I knew what it was like to use sexuality to coax a guy into being with me, only to have it fail miserably.
Feminist or not, that shit sucks. And it happens a lot, to women and girls everywhere. And yet, if you consider me and the vast majority of America who eventually couple up, it seems to end up okay. What to make of all this?
Rachel asks in the aforelinked post:
Now, just to be clear, I’m all for the freedom to hook up. But let’s face it: despite our desire to give women the freedom to plunder the bar scene and flex their sexual appetites, it would appear a whole lot of them are pretty happy playing by old school rules, thank you very much. Incidentally, one of the women smart enough to figure this out just sold her 5 billionth book, or something like that.
Does that make me a right-winger? Can I still be a feminist and say that I’m against this brand of sexual freedom? I fear feminism has been backed into a corner here. It’s become antifeminist to want a guy to buy you dinner and hold the door for you. Yet – picture me ducking behind bullet proof glass as I type this — wasn’t there something about that framework that made more space for a young woman’s feelings and needs?
I do feel where Rachel is coming from. But those old models are based on the idea that girls are fragile, that they need to be sheltered from the ills of the world. They're based on, as Kate says, being the girl that guys want. They're based on, as Amanda outlines, sexism plain and simple. So if we don't want to go the "Girls Gone Mild" route and start waiting for dudes to ask us on candlelit dates, does that mean it's hopeless to find a happy sexual medium as teens and young, single women?
Kate says no. "[I]f we teach all kids that there's a wide range of potentially healthy sexual and emotional relationships," she says, "and the only real trick (granted, it's a doozy) is finding partners who are enthusiastic about the same things you want, then there's room for a lot more people to pursue something personally satisfying at no one else's expense." That's one of the smartest statements I've ever read on this topic. Amanda, meanwhile, says we need to stop making women shoulder the burden of keeping men in check, and concentrate on getting "boys to appreciate girls more as human beings." A-fucking-men. (No pun intended.)
But there's also this: We need to admit as a culture that teens are sexual beings, and that more often than not, sexual maturity has a completely different timeline than emotional maturity. This is, to be sure, skewed by sexism and restrictive gender roles to make sexual coming-of-age worse for girls. But beyond that, maybe discovering what you want sexually and emotionally is just part of growing up--and that's okay.
And for that matter, what's with this still-dominant narrative that all teen girls should want a monogamous, snuggly, worshipping boyfriend? I wanted relationships from fantastic fucks all through high school and college, but something tells me that I repeatedly confused lust for love and convinced myself that I wanted a boyfriend, when really I just wanted a screwfest (although I can't be sure). For the record, I am not--I repeat, am not--saying that when girls write Rachel about the pain they're going through, they're not being honest with themselves. I know better than anyone how that pain feels. It's just that we never consider the power of cultural messages amid the mysterious phenomenon of girls wanting relationships more often than boys. I agree with Amanda that I don't think it's biological--there are societal patterns at work here. If we're told that casual sex is unfulfilling and that we're going to want relationships, chances are we'll end up wanting them. And why not? That's what Seventeen, Glamour, and all my friends always told me.
The interesting thing about my particular sexual history--the kind of narrative that I have yet to read about in all these books and articles about hooking up--is that I had great, pleasurable, safe sex in high school and college with guys who were nevertheless emotionally immature and noncommital and who hurt my feelings all the time. Does that mean I shouldn't have had sex with them at all--or does it mean I should have been honest with myself (and them, too) about what our relationship was really about? I do remember obsessing, crying, wishing he'd want a "real" relationship with me, as many girls who write to Rachel express. But do I regret the sex, do I feel like I "gave myself away" too early at 15? Hell No. It was one of the most exciting, fascinating, and interesting things about high school. Girls deserve to discover themselves sexually at their own pace, to be neither rushed into having sex nor shamed into not having it. They deserve to have their very own "This is bullshit" moments without wearing a chastity belt.
So, as Rachel worries: Was I permanently affected by this nebulous, masochistic phase, from accepting less than what I wanted emotionally? Yes, but not in a bad way. In fact, I'd venture to claim that without all those past experiences, I wouldn't have been equipped to be in the honest, nuanced, decidedly modern relaish I am in now.
The "hookup culture" must not be that new of a phenomenon if I was experiencing this stuff in the late nineties--and now at 25, I can employ my 10-year-old hindsight. Today, I found a fascinating piece of writing in my diary about "E," my first "boyfriend" and first lay in high school who made it perfectly clear he was not into a relationship. In a rare moment of clarity, my 15-year-old self wrote this:
"I think people are wrong when they say that sex and love HAVE to be together. I figured out why me and E have good sex. Physically, we’re in love. Our bodies are perfect for eachother, we satisfy eachother’s sexual urges like we were born for one another. And we’re not really like that personality-wise. But that’s okay! I don’t know why that’s a bad thing, and why everyone looks down upon it. Just because mentally we’re not in love doesn’t mean it’s emotionless sex. It’s not. It’s kinda like our bodies have emotions. Like our minds don’t particularly click, but our kisses and heartbeats and waves of sex drive do. What’s wrong with that???? We’re not USING eachother; we just have a connection that is very hard for people to understand. If they saw us together, they would know what I mean. I’m fine with it, and I think it will go on as long as it takes for me to find someone I have mental AND physical perfectness with, because that’s what I need to be in a relationship...And as long as I got one half, why give it up because OTHER people think its morally wrong? I mean, I wish me and E had both, but it’s been clearly established that we don’t, so fine. It doesn’t automatically turn into a bad thing."
There you have it. Love and sex don't always go together, especially for horny 15-year-olds. I could be totally off-base, but I don't think I was a freak for thinking this. If you're comfortable with accepting that teens are sexual people with their own desires, there's no getting around that boys and girls sometimes feel this way. I said this in 2007 and I still believe it now: Sex is the ultimate risk, a risk that makes human relationships complicated, intoxicating and wonderful. It's an emotional risk when you're 18 the same way it's a risk when you're 40. Each time, as long as you're safe and armed with the right info, it's amazing to feel alive and take that risk.
Granted, I was armed with the right info. I had good sex education and candid parents. But many girls are getting scolded by their elders and pressured by their peers. Some are in abstinence-only education classes and told they'll be too "used" or "dirty" for their future husbands if they have sex. The vast majority are not given the space they need to figure out what they truly want from their sexual relationships.
I agree with Rachel that it feels awful to have to compromise yourself, but testing out your sexual and romantic bottom lines may just be a rite of passage for teenagers experimenting with their sexuality--which is what the sexual revolution should have been about, rather than expecting women to simply indulge men's fantasies. I doubt things will ever be perfect the first time a girl tries to define a sexual reality that works for her--especially if she's told to follow age-old dating rules that clearly didn't work the first time around. What I do hope for the future is that young women be allowed to take moments of sexual confusion in stride without conservatives breathing down their necks, without being called sluts by their peers, without feeling like they've ruined their chances at marriage forever, without being made to think that boys are emotionless sexbots, without letting an unsatisfying relationship cross over into the abusive zone--all while getting factual information about sex and STIs from their schools and families. Don't girls deserve that much?
*Most of the freakouts over the "hookup scene" happen in the context of heterosexual relationships, since according to the majority of sexual conservatives, queer teen girls don't have peen-in-vadge sex and therefore, as Kate puts it, "don't exist."
It's amazing how well my generation - those in their late teens and early 20's - can distance themselves from topics that have everything to do with us. For example, driving fatalities and alcohol abuse. It's staggering the number of teens who die from car accidents related to substance abuse, as well as those who spend their high school and college years with a beer bottle in hand.
It's even scarier to look at how many teenagers don't know BASIC FACTS about sex and sexuality. This is something I've known for a long time as a Scarleteen staff member, but it doesn't change reality.
anna says: I invited me friend for a sleepover and during the night she liked my clitoris, I didn't tell me to stop because I was worried about how she would take it but I'm not a lesbian so we ended up having sex even though I felt really weird about it. Now she wants to have sex all the time. what should I do?
My boyfriend and I recently started having sex, we were both virgins. Making love to each other is amazing because we are in love but for me, I can't feel anything. I know theres a million reasons that maybe he doesn't know what to do and stuff but I was hoping if there were any suggestions to help. We are also kind of worried because he goes away to college in a month and a half and he is basically on lock down there. We can barely see each other for the first year. On an emotional level we aren't afraid, but sexually, could not having sex be an issue? A discussion came of of "seeing other people" but no relationship wise, more like hooking up just to get the needs met but we wouldn't discuss anything with each other. Someone said it would help us and in the end we would want each other that much more. I know I love my boyfriend and I don't want anyone else but him but because we are still young and haven't experienced anyone else, would it be smart to try things with other people?
I had unprotected sex (mistake #1) with an older guy who I don't know at all (mistake #2), but he didn't have any sores on his penis, and we only had sex for like 25 seconds, if that. If he didn't ejaculate in me and didn't have any sores, could it still be likely that I get a STD from him? He said he doesn't have any STDs, but people lie, and I'm obviously nervous. If you have unprotected sex, how long should you wait to have a Pap smear done to get the correct results? Is four weeks long enough? Is one week too short?
A guy friend whom I really like asked me to have sex with him. I haven't yet, but he asked if I would give him a handjob. I have never given one. So how do I?
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