Why is it that guys find it a turn off when a girl drinks? When it comes to guys, it does not matter if they drink or not, but when it comes to girls they can't drink at all -- why is it like that?

Hey there. I'm a 20-year-old male and I've been in a long term relationship with my girlfriend for about 3 years and 6 months and well ... we still haven't had sex. As weird as it seem it had never been a problem for me. We are both virgins and well, I just love her enough to wait. We've been together since I was 17 and back then well, sex wasn't that big of an issue.

But now that I'm 20, with college and going out and stuff, it's really starting to hurt my masculinity. I feel stupid really because I feel like by know it shouldn't be a big deal and it bothers me that it only gets to me when we are around other people, or when I'm watching sex advice shows on TV, or even just regular shows were sex life is a big deal.

I just would like to know two things:

1. How can I deal with this thing? I mean is there like .. . some mental yoga or whatever method I can use to just go back to not caring that much about not having a sexual active life (which I've wanted since I'm like 15)
2. How can I explain what I feel to my girlfriend? She doesn't really understand what I go through.

I'll be waiting for your answer. THANKS!

(Firstly, let me compliment you on your wonderful site: though most people in my life are quite open and accepting, I have NEVER talked to anyone about sex or sexuality--except for the few conversations I've initiated. Information that is accurate, candid, and not colored with shame or guilt is completely refreshing.)

I'm 18, and have never had anything approaching sex--I've never even dated. I am a late-to-mature sort of person anyway, and though I have researched and read up on sexuality (like I do for, er, everything), I'm not overtly sexual or want to be at this point in my life. Plus, from the moment I learned what the word meant, I have identified as a lesbian: so the dating pool ain't big in high school.

Last summer, I came out as a lesbian to my family and friends, because after about a year and half of questioning and soul-searching and doubting and ALL that fun stuff, I concluded that I was romantically and emotionally (and sexually, though again I just am not particularly sexual yet) attracted to women: I'd never had a crush on a boy; I did indeed have crushes on girls; I was uncomfortable with my gender role; and...well, I dunno, it just FIT. I'd always felt so different, and this seemed right. I took as long as I could to be sure--but once I felt I'd figured it out, I wasn't going to hide it. So I didn't.

There's one anomaly, though: I fantasize very regularly (about every night; fantasizing/masturbation is the only thing that helps my insomnia), and have been since I was about 9-10. These fantasies may or may not include actual sex, and they didn't when I was younger, but they have always included strong BDSM elements--I just consider that a part of my sexuality (one I'm less likely to announce, but *I'm* cool with it, which is the important thing, I figure.) However, lately, perhaps for the past year, these fantasies have exclusively featured gay men, in the vein of "slash" fanfiction and erotica, etc.

I've never been into straight male-female fantasies or erotica--I find it "icky" in the way perhaps some heterosexuals find gay sex unappealing--but I'm quite confused as to why I should find gay male ones interesting. Admittedly, I have read and found and liked a fair bit of erotica intended for a female audience about two males, but I would assume that's directed at straight females. I often find myself identifying with, or taking the role of one of the males; but I've never identified as the opposite sex--I am fairly sure I'm a girl, through and through. And in general, male anatomy or male movie stars do nothing for me. Unless, of course, I can imagine them gay!

Was perhaps my identification as a lesbian too hasty? Should I reconsider whether I'm predominantly bisexual, or even transgendered or genderqueer? I derive a great deal of comfort and confidence from being "sure" about myself and my sexuality, and from categorizing myself a lesbian, but I also don't want to be narrowminded in any direction, if I can avoid it. Again, I've never had a sexual experience: is that the only way to be sure?

Perhaps it's all ridiculous squabbling over semantics, but I'm just unsure. A boy who is a close friend asked me on a date once; I told him I'd gladly go do something with him, because I enjoyed his company, but that I just wasn't into guys, romantically. However, any time I have a crush on a girl, it starts in a similar close friendship (unless, of course, she's amazingly cute in which case the friendship comes afterward); was I closing a door there too rapidly?

I'm just getting ready to start dating in college; the school I'm going to is about 7 males to every 3 females. (Saw this as more of a challenge than a disadvantage, 'specially since my major is about 9-to-1; didn't think about dating, eep!) So...just wondering and wishing I could figure this out.

Since I was four years old, I've wanted to be perceived as male. Up until recently, this never meant being "masculine" but just being called 'he, sir, him,' etc. I used to wear baggy clothes and do nothing with my long hair. then when I turned ten, I had some pressure to dress more feminine but it wasn't rejected by me. I then cut my hair really short. When a girl at school said she thought I was a guy "for a second", I was overjoyed.

With my girl/friends (non sexual) I feel awkward. I don't know what the heck they're saying sometimes! Although, in high school I did get smart and realize that to get to know the ladies, it helped to act interested in makeup and clothes. *guilty face* With my dude friends, I feel more comfortable having guys more sensitive than me. also, guys who are into gay rights even if they're straight. I like know that I just as "guyish" as them. When I have/had boyfriends, it's a competition. I want to make sure I ask him out first, put the "moves" on him (not sex but kissing and such). I've never liked the thought of having intercourse (as a girl.) When I have girlfriends, it's a competition because they want to force me into a feminine role. I'm starting to think the best girl for me would be a straight woman who is open-minded and doesn't mind a strap-on instead of a real penis. I don't know!

Writing short stories and fan fiction has always been my way to vent. I always act/write as the males and as one of my friends pointed out, I write stereotypical female characters who are there to "be pretty." I don't want to be that type of guy!!! but to be honest, being a jerk (in a gentle way) is sometimes a turn-on. i guess the extreme of it is exciting, it's sooo traditional and stereotypical.

Lately, my identity is getting more masculine. I'm trying to go for clothes that I like, not that "looks good" on me by other peoples' standards. However, I have sometimes fit into the female role. I used to be "boy crazy" but I don't know if that was a gimmick. getting called "girly" has always annoyed me.

I hate to admit it but I am TERRIFIED. I can't focus in school, every thought of mine is about gender..My mom is worried. no one knows why I'm not at a university (i'm at community college).. I just am not as interested in school as in my gender and I can't stand it. Every day is weird. I hate my body, and I hate the perceptions of me.