I'm a straight 20-year-old girl who lately can't get the idea out of my head that I wish sooo much that I'd been born a gay boy instead. I'm not sexually active right now at all (have had 2 partners in the past but nothing for over a year) and it's pretty frustrating because I miss it. To compensate, I finally got the guts to look at some porn over the internet, but never with any girls - just (male) gay. In fact, seeing girls almost always totally turns me off and I really can't stand the moans of a female. What I like most is seeing "gay for pay" - straight guys who engage in gay sexual activities for money for websites. I've also become obsessed with finding gay-themed movies posted in parts by YouTube users. I'm a huge sucker for coming out stories or tales of experimentation and love and romance, both in full-length movies and short films. I've also realized how much more pleasure it seems a man can get from his penis than I can from my vagina. I mean, guys can jack off for like over 20 minutes sometimes before they orgasm, all the while feeling some sort of pleasure, and the same when receiving a blowjob (which, for the most part, I think guys can give better than girls). When I try to masturbate, it usually lasts less than a minute, it seems, and sometimes nothing even works. I don't think I ever orgasmed during intercourse in any of the times I had it. I hate practically everything about my body anyway, but after watching so many guys get off I just really wish I had a penis...

Since I was four years old, I've wanted to be perceived as male. Up until recently, this never meant being "masculine" but just being called 'he, sir, him,' etc. I used to wear baggy clothes and do nothing with my long hair. then when I turned ten, I had some pressure to dress more feminine but it wasn't rejected by me. I then cut my hair really short. When a girl at school said she thought I was a guy "for a second", I was overjoyed.

With my girl/friends (non sexual) I feel awkward. I don't know what the heck they're saying sometimes! Although, in high school I did get smart and realize that to get to know the ladies, it helped to act interested in makeup and clothes. *guilty face* With my dude friends, I feel more comfortable having guys more sensitive than me. also, guys who are into gay rights even if they're straight. I like know that I just as "guyish" as them. When I have/had boyfriends, it's a competition. I want to make sure I ask him out first, put the "moves" on him (not sex but kissing and such). I've never liked the thought of having intercourse (as a girl.) When I have girlfriends, it's a competition because they want to force me into a feminine role. I'm starting to think the best girl for me would be a straight woman who is open-minded and doesn't mind a strap-on instead of a real penis. I don't know!

Writing short stories and fan fiction has always been my way to vent. I always act/write as the males and as one of my friends pointed out, I write stereotypical female characters who are there to "be pretty." I don't want to be that type of guy!!! but to be honest, being a jerk (in a gentle way) is sometimes a turn-on. i guess the extreme of it is exciting, it's sooo traditional and stereotypical.

Lately, my identity is getting more masculine. I'm trying to go for clothes that I like, not that "looks good" on me by other peoples' standards. However, I have sometimes fit into the female role. I used to be "boy crazy" but I don't know if that was a gimmick. getting called "girly" has always annoyed me.

I hate to admit it but I am TERRIFIED. I can't focus in school, every thought of mine is about gender..My mom is worried. no one knows why I'm not at a university (i'm at community college).. I just am not as interested in school as in my gender and I can't stand it. Every day is weird. I hate my body, and I hate the perceptions of me.