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desire

Let's Get Metaphysical: The Etiquette of Entry

From both our personal experiences of our own varied sex lives, and in our work in sexuality with many other people, it seems pretty clear that really letting someone into an internal space in your body, or going into someone else's insides -- which we know might sound a little gross, but that is what's going on with this stuff -- is a fairly big deal for many people. So, what might make sexual entry different from other sexual activities?

Dueling Libidos

Ruby asks:

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and I am lucky if we have sex once every week or once every 2 weeks.
A healthy sex life means a lot to me, I would rather every day or every couple of days, but when I ask him for sex he is tired, he uses the excuse that he works shifts and we have a baby. Well, she is my baby too, but I always have the time and energy for sex. How do I explain that it's just not enough for me without really upsetting him? I should know after 3 yrs but I'm still none the wiser.

We waited two years for good sex together... and even after sex, we're still waiting.

Jennifer asks:

I only started having sex about 3 months ago. I'm 20 and I made my fiancee wait almost 2 years. The problem that I noticed is that I never orgasm when he's inside. He has no problem with using his fingers on me but why can't I when he is inside. I mean I can feel it coming and it feels great but it never happens it's like I get sooo close and I'm on the edge and then I just stay there and I know he's frustrated cause he thinks it's his fault so he tried harder and harder each time to try to find positions I like and such. We are trying to use more foreplay to see if maybe if I'm close beforehand, and it will make things easier but I'm still waiting. It's soo frustrating cause I enjoy the closeness of sex with him but it's not very fulfilling.

I don't want to masturbate or have sex: what's wrong with me?

Anonymous asks:

I am celibate and a virgin. I don't masturbate. I think all forms of sexual activity are ok as long as people say safe and respectful, and this includes masturbation. I was never abused. I was brought up in a very open environment, where my parents never shied away from answering any kind of question about sex and answered very honestly and frankly, and never said anything was "sinful" or "shameful." And when they couldn't answer, both me and my siblings were pointed in the direction of good resources. There are plenty of things that "turn me on." I fantasize if I'm very horny but I wouldn't call that masturbation, and it's never that "graphic" in my head, it just "gets me off." I don't like watching others have sex either, like on tv or movies - I enjoy seeing people kiss or dance much more and think that is actually way more erotic!

MY QUESTION IS THIS: is there something wrong with me?

He thinks it's unattractive when I touch my clitoris, but I don't enjoy sex otherwise!

Anonymous asks:

When I have sex it doesn't really feel that good. For me to have an orgasm I HAVE to play with my clitoris and my boyfriend finds it very unattractive. I don't know how to stimulate my "area" right and I think the advice would be nice. I'm 18 years old and I think that it is a bad thing that this is happening to me so young! I just don't feel the "amazing pleasure" I hear other girls talk about. How do I stimulate myself to have a healthier sex drive and feel the pleasure I hear about? Thank you for the help and support!

He doesn't feel any desire for sex, but I want a sexual relationship

Elizabeth asks:

My boyfriend and I are 22 and 21, respectively, and have been dating for two years. We recently moved into an apartment and now live together. We're committed to not having sex before marriage, but we've been doing other sexual things since we started dating.

When we first got together, he was somewhat interested in oral sex (me to him, but NOT him to me) and touching and stuff. That lasted for only a few months, and since about a year and a half ago he has lost all interest in it. We'll do stuff maybe once every other month, if I'm lucky. It keeps getting worse. He's never been a very sexual person, and never even kissed anyone before me. He doesn't even enjoy kissing because he says it's wet and messy (even though we only ever kiss closed-mouth).

The only thing he has ever been interested in is feet tickling, which I grew used to. But anymore, he doesn't even seem to get turned on by that. He claims to be turned off by not only kissing, but also breasts, porn, and even the mere thought of a vagina.

On why rape isn't her fault, no matter how you want to spin it, buster.

James asks:

Hi Heather, I just found a question from 'samy-baby' concerning rape when performing a google search for something unrelated as it caught my eye. I'm afraid you appeared all too eager to label the bloke as unsafe and 'stay well away from him', given that the girl openly admitted within the first words of her sentence that she gets her boyfriend stupid-horny then says "no sex", that's just cruel, and I doubt many men would tolerate it. I've made it abundantly clear with my girlfriend that if she makes the effort to turn me into a horn-monster, she should finish through or I'm usually very pissed off; not to say that I'd go ahead and have sex with her anyway. All I'm saying is you failed to advise this girl that if she doesn't want to have sex, then she shouldn't get her boyfriend horny.

When I'm fingering her, she seems completely unaffected: what's the deal?

Stevenmagee asks:

I have fingered my girlfriend quite a few times now. I can only get one finger up there and she never seems to react, just stands there as if nothing is going on. Am I doing something wrong?

He couldn't get it up: is it because of me?

first timer asks:

I'm 17,and I have been dating this guy for like a year. We just started having sex, and the other day we were going to but he wanted me to give him head before so he would last longer...then he could not get it back up. He tried hard to but it just wouldn't. Was it me? Can I just not do it for him or something?

What if he wants to have sex in 2 months?

lkjafkldffjaskj asks:

I have heard people talking about how they have had sex with their boyfriends after just 2 months and it scares me to think that my boyfriend will want it that soon because I'm scared to have sex, not just because of the risks but of what he'll think and all that stuff. We have only been going out for a week and I am not thinking of having sex with him or receiving/giving oral but I'm just thinking about 2 to 3 months from now will he want it? He has told me he won't force me to do anything I'm not comfortable with and he's a really nice guy so I'm pretty sure he won't but his last girlfriend had sex with him after 3 months. Do you have any advice for me?

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