Skip to main content

BDSM

On submission and speaking up

BrooklynnL asks:

I am a trained Submissive. I have only ever been in relationships with Dominants who know exactly how to be sexually/emotionally involved with a Sub. I am extremely into bondage/spanking/biting/ect., and the Doms that I have been involved with know exactly how to effectively provide that for me in a sexual relationship. I don't think I can even HAVE an orgasm without the aforementioned activities.
But recently I met this AMAZING guy that I have totally fallen for. He is perfect in every way and is just a total dream. He is pretty dominant, but I know he isn't a dom. We have been dating for almost 4 months now, and I haven't told him about my sexual past. We have been having sex but it isn't at all satisfying to me. I've been faking all of my orgasms, and have been putting up with the "Vanilla" sex since we've started dating. I'm afraid to tell him about my sexual preferences. I'm scared that hell think its disgusting or weird and run away. Or even worse, he'll stay but not be able to provide the things I need in a sexual relationship which will completely ruin our entire relationship all together. How do I effectively communicate to him my sexual needs and tell him that I've been hiding this from him? It's really hard for me to even think about doing that because as a Submissive I have always been with Dominants who always know exactly what I want and provide for my needs. Help!

50 Shades Crappier: On Selling Abuse for Valentine's Day

I have written previously about 50 Shades of Grey, and the problems that I, and many others, have with the presentation of BDSM in the book. In short, the book purportedly explores a woman's sexual awakening in the context of consensual BDSM, but really portrays a woman's emotional abuse in the guise of kink at the hands of a controlling partner.

Which is why I was so disheartened to find out that 50 Shades would be adapted for the screen. I knew it would mean that the franchise would live on for another few years, and that we would continue to be inundated with the books/films and its characters until the screening of the final film. And as I feared, the way the film was talked about in the weeks and months leading up to its Valentine's Day release was fairly frustrating. I found it upsetting to see that the story was getting tied up with red ribbons and sold as the perfectly romantic Valentine's Day date. You could get anything from flowers to chocolate to champagne with a 50-Shades

Read more...

DIY Sex Toys: The Partnered Edition

Our rundown of do-it-yourself sex toys you can make and use with a partner.

I like fantasizing about it: would I like it for real?

Prozac4490 asks:

I like to fantasize about being spanked when I masturbate, and I'm wondering if I would like it in real life sex play, too. Trouble is, I'm a little nervous about the idea of actually trying it out, and I'm too embarrassed to ask my boyfriend if he'd be cool with that! What should I do?

50 Shades of BS - How to tell the Difference Between Kink and Abuse

Most of us who work or volunteer here at Scarleteen are bookworms, and are also really interested in following popular culture to see what's happening, especially in terms of frank conversations about sex, sexuality, desire and fantasies. When a lot of people started talking about 50 Shades of Grey, we started paying attention. And when a bunch of media outlets started falling over each other to either hail the book for making BDSM mainstream and celebrating female sexuality or condemn it for those same reasons, we got curious.

As a woman who often enjoys being sexually submissive and as someone who has moved in kink circles, I set out many times to start reading the book, but shied away from it again and again. BDSM, in all its variations and manifestations, has a pretty bad rep: a lot of the time when we meet characters in books or on TV who engage in BDSM, they are either leather-clad outsiders (who are also often involved in sex work - think Lady Heather from CSI Las Vegas), or de

Read more...

Sex With My Ex Went So Wrong: What Happened?

espionages asks:

I'm 20. I had sex with a not-quite-boyfriend, okay, ex-boyfriend who I broke up with but still have feelings for. He decided that it would be fun to try some light bondage. It took me by surprise, but I usually do like that sort of thing. But at certain points...I felt really scared, and at others, I felt pleasure. However, the overall experience was negative, and I found myself wanting to stop--but I couldn't say no. I started to cry and he untied me. I wanted to slow down and just kiss, he wanted to finish. So I let him come on me, but I really didn't want him to. I felt really violated. Afterward he tried to cuddle with me, but I wouldn't let him. He tried talking to me a little bit about it, and said that I could have said no and that would have been better than crying--but the thing was I couldn't say no. What happened?

Is something wrong with me because I like BDSM? Can I like it and still be a feminist?

alice42 asks:

For as long as I can remember, I have been turned on my imagining my own pain and humiliation. I am going out with someone for the first time now, and we've been together for almost eight months. Recently we've started experimenting with very mild SM-type things--tying each other up, biting, spanking. I love it, and so does he. But is this normal? Should I be worried that this turns me on more than anything else we've done together? Is there something wrong with me? (I've never been abused). And can I still be a feminist if I get off on being dominated by men?

Is this just about BDSM fantasy, or is he paying for a dominatrix?

Beantowngal07 asks:

I recently stumbled upon some disturbing web sites that my boyfriend had been looking at on the internet. Mostly they were in regards to BDSM and submission. I am not a prude, and porn does not bother me, the thing that bothered me the most was that the most frequently visited sites were for dominatrixes in our area who perform these acts for money. There was not much about sex, but I am worried that my boyfriend is engaged in these activities. I am not a prude, and would love to act out fantasies with him, but I would be heartbroken to discover he had or is currently visiting any of these people. Especially since he would be paying for it. I don't know how to go about discussing this with him. We have a healthy sex life, but he never wants to try anything new. Had he discussed this with me I would be open into role playing these fantasies. I don't know what to do...any advice PLEASE!!

Rape fantasy or domination and submission desires?

Nunya asks:

I am 24 and a sexually active woman. I have a fantasy that I have told no one about because its embarassing. I keep having fantasies about being held down and forced to have sex. It really turns me on too. Is this normal? (No I have never been raped or molested, so its not some pshychlogical thing comin out.) I want to ask my boyfriend to do a roleplay with me about forcing himself on me but I don't want him to think I am a psycho nutball. Would this be safe and healthy as long as we made up something, a codeword like "reindeer" or something so that if I got scared or it got to rough one of us could say the code word and we stop? Do other people have this fantasy or am I really a psycho nutball?

Bottoming, crossdressing and bisexuality have got me hella confused.

Anonymous asks:

I'm very confused with my sexuality; I'm a 17-year-old Austrailian male who is definitely attracted to women, but at the same time have an attraction to men that mostly involves fantasies where I play the receptive "bottom" role. I have acted upon these fantasies and sought out sex with other men, however every time it comes to engaging in oral or anal sex I enjoy it far less than I thought I would, even to the point of being bored! Every time I swear it will be my last because I didn't enjoy it, but lo and behold I get aroused again and seek out sex with men, and leave again disappointed. I'm also not attracted to the actual man; more the penis. I don't know what this means; it's worth noting that I have engaged in sexual activity with women, in everything other than actual intercourse and enjoyed it greatly. Add to the confusion the fact that I have a longing to crossdress, especially in women's lingerie, and I'm about as confused as it's possible to be. Please help shed some light on the situation!

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.