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abusive relationships

Trauma is a Complicated Thing

Originally published on loadofhotair.wordpress.com. Second part in a series, first part is here.

My last post didn’t cover everything I wanted to say about this topic, and it was a bit all over the place. The thoughts were all very fresh and I was still working through them, and I was also kind of dissociating at the time. Which brings me to the points I wanted to make in this follow-up.

Trauma is messy. It is messy and ugly and it doesn’t make sense a lot of the time. It has been brought up a lot recently, because of the Jian Ghomeshi trial, that there is no such thing as a perfect survivor. This is because rape is a complicated thing, and so is trauma. My personal experience is an excellent example of this. My story is just one story; it does not at all describe the experiences of every survivor of sexual abuse and assault, it may not even describe a lot of them. But it describes mine, and it is an important example of the myriad ways that trauma is messy.

I spoke in my last piece a

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Rape is a Complicated Thing

Originally published at loadofhotair.wordpress.com.

Tonight I realised that I’ve been raped. I had already recognised and identified a previous sexual assault, and sexual abuse, throughout my life. But this took me a lot longer to see. My rapist would never, in a million years, believe that he is a rapist. If he found out that I was saying this, he would probably roll his eyes, and be genuinely amazed and astonished by my ability to make a mountain out of a molehill.

There are a lot of people who, upon hearing the details without the context, would also be quick to tell me that it really isn’t a big deal and really isn’t rape. But the thing is, rape is a complicated thing. Rape needs context.

My rapist would absolutely have stopped if I had told him to. So then, how could that possibly be rape? My rapist created an environment in which I felt like I couldn’t say no. But it’s tricky, because I didn’t feel like I was in physical danger if I said no. I didn’t think he would hit me, or “r

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Be Your Own Superhero: Learning How and When to Stand Up for Ourselves

Feel like being able to clearly set boundaries, stick to them, and assert yourself must require superpowers? Nope! You've already got all the goods: here's how to develop and use them!

Teen Dating Violence

A quick reference to help identify dating violence, as well as advice and resources for abused partners as well as abusers themselves to seek help. A Dating Violence Tip Sheet PDF is also provided for parents of teens.

Love is Respect Healthy Relationships Quiz

A quick quiz to test the health of your relationships and help you detect red flags. The site also provides lots of information about dating abuse and advice for getting help and taking action. A live chat feature is available if you wish to talk with a peer advocate (you can also reach them by phone or text.)

The Pleasures and Perils of Facebook

Don’t worry: I’m not going to tell you not to post pictures of yourself drunk or exposed on Facebook because future employers might look at your profile, or tell you not to write about how "totally wasted” you got last night on your Wall because, again, prospective employers might read it. There are other articles you can read on that, and I do suggest considering the advice given in those articles. What I want to talk about is the other side of Facebook, the side that allows creeps to spy on you.

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loveisrespect: National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline

loveisrespect, National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline is a national resource that can be accessed by phone or the internet.

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Overcoming sexual victimization of boys and men: information and support for male sexual abuse survivors.

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