For those of you who are sexually experienced (virginity is irrelevant, actually), in retrospect, is there anything you would have done differently?

It was about a year ago today that I gave up my virginity. I was 19, and it was with my boyfriend, who I am still with today.

I figured I was a big girl and able to make decisions for myself, which I was. I cared about him deeply, and I knew he cared about me, too.

But I am a year older, and that much wiser now. If I could turn back time, I would have been more up front about asking him about his sexual history.

As I found out, a day late and a dollar short, though my boyfriend already had a sexual relationship with his previous girlfriend, he somehow never figured out how to put on a condom. I was wrong to assume he knew. And thus, I found out that he had several months worth of unprotected sex with a girl who, by his own accounts, had "been around the block." So because of that, I wish I would have asked him to get tested first.

As much as I hate admitting this, I had sex with him partly because I thought he would get bored of me 'cause I was a "prudent little virgin" who wouldn't put out. I should have thought that thru a little more. But I hope other will learn from my mistake. Fortunately for me, he wasn't using me,and he really did/does care about me.

I would've learned more about my own body and what I wanted before the first time.

I would've bought condoms right away and learned to use them without embarrassment instead of waiting until after the first bout of unprotected sex and the resultant guilt and waiting-for-my-period.

I would've learned the following phrases and been able to use them: "No." "Ow, stop for right now." "I like it when you do x...."

I would've been less embarrassed and less ashamed and more joyful about something that became a wonderful part of my life and my relationships.

And in general...

I know now that sex isn't love and love isn't sex, and that assuming a relationship exists because you've spent some time in bed with someone is a Bad Idea.

Just because I could have a sexual relationship with soemone doesn't mean that I should. I went through a six month period where I was so excited about being sexual and having people want me that I was willing to act with my heart and my loins instead of with my head first. Fortunately I didn't suffer any lasting consequences.

Sometimes, when I start to feel down, it's really tempting to try and throw myself back into getting noticed and starting up a new relationship, just so I have that nice energy rush and feel good. But I know that it's not worth having relationships just for that -- it's not only cruel to myself in the long run, it's essentially using another person for my short-term happiness.

so. that's what I've learned. Will it be on the exam?

Ok, so yeah, I've still got the whole virginity thing happening, and yes, maybe I've only been 'sexually out of the closet' (so to speak...ie. wanting to get rid of the guilt and feel sexual) at all for a very short period of time...but I wanna contribute cause I've already learned something, lol.

Here's my epiphany...when you think you've got it all figured out, and everybody is ok with what's happening...ask again. Huge revelation for me, seriously. Things really are different in the morning (or the next week, as the case may be). That's the only thing I would have changed. We would have talked more about what was and wasn't ok beforehand...or at least stopped and talked about it as soon as somebody thought there was a problem.

~KittenGoddess

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"What is the odds so long as the fire of soul is kindled..."
~Charles Dickens

I wouldn't have been so careless with protection.. and I wouldn't have been with so many boys and men in the first few years. I think I should have realised earlier on that you can't trust anyone with your health except yourself, and that no matter what they say, you have to look out for yourself. I can't remember how many times I fell for the "I didn't come, so you can get pregnant" line!

I'm regretting giving myself to an older man when I was 14, and believing him when he said he'd been "fixed". This resulted in a lot of pain, and the trauma of a miscarriage which I shouldn't have had to go through.

I think now, when I look back on what I've done, I can't be ashamed. I regret a lot of what I did, and what was done to me, but it the end it all adds up to who I am today.

Though I wish that I had saved myself for someone who loved me, and that I hadn't been through so much heartache, I have come out the end a happy person. I can reflect on what I did and pass on my experiences to others to hopefully help them make the right decisions.

Love and light
entropie

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Scarleteen Advocate, not to be confused with Advocaat

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

One thing I should have done was to find something close to our Readiness Checklist and read every single world of it.

I should have known more about protection, STDs/STIs and I should have made damn sure I protected myself.

I should have thought about why exactly I was having sex. And if that was a valid reason for me. When I think about it now, it wasn't. Having sex for the sake of having it is not a valid reason.

I'd have reminded myself there really was no great big hurry to gain experience and partners.

I'd have slowed down the seriousness of a lot of relationships, and taken my time moving into them more slowly, rather than moving in together quickly, or becoming exclusive so quickly.

I'd have worried a lot less about myself in terms of how others perceived or valued me.

I also would have patyted myself on the back a lot more than I did. I had no real iidea growing up how much more responsible I was about my sexuality and sexual health than most people. Had I known that, I'd have given myself a lot more credit for it.

And in all honesty, I had a couple partners I did not become fully sexually or emotionally intimate with, and I wish I had, simply because I didn't realize then that neither people nor relationships are as permanent as we think they are in the moment.

I'd have worried a whole lot less about the future and enjoyed the moment a whole lot more. What seemed very certain in my teens was really ridiculous at timesm and NONE of the relationships I thought were "forever" deals were. I'd have gotten a lot more out of them had I simply put more energy into them in the day-to-day and said to hell with tomorrow.

In truth, I had a very active sexual and romantic life from a fairly early age, and for the most part, I've no regrets. And the mistakes I did make, I really needed to make in order *to* know what I know now. So, in hindsight I may think there are a few things I'd do differently, but for the most part, I'm glad I did them just as I did.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

Then in college, I met another girl whom I fell for...and we were devoted to one another from the day we met until the day she went to Germany.

Now I stand here on this little blue planet and realize that there's this huge vastness of experience that I don't yet have, and knowledge I haven't yet gained. And admittedly, it's a scary thought. How much do I really know about women after two 3-year long relationships with only 2 people? How much do I really know about sex with the extremely limited experience I have had? Obviously, the answer is "very little." But the good news is that I now have the rest of my life to start figuring things out. I just wish now that I had got the jump on it when I had the chance.

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It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...

My "first time" was actually a very good expierience, it had been thought out and discussed thouroughly, and we both knew we loved each other, and were ready. However, I would have liked to have been on the birth control pill before I engaged in pro-creative sex for the first time. It would have saved me weeks of worrying, even though I did use a condom. I also wish I had told my mom when i was thinking about having sex, as opposed to telling her after. I think that would have caused her to have a lot more respect for my decision, and trust that it was the right one for me.

I think, looking back, I would like to have taken the whole thing less seriously. I believed, back then (have since changed my mind, by the way), that I should have one sexual partner my whole life, so my partner and I waited until we'd publically announced our engagement before we had actual intercourse. (We had done everything but, up to that point, I might add.) I had it in my head that sex = committment; it was, in other words A Big Deal.

Some time later we got married, on schedule. Three and a half years later, we got divorced (not in the original plans, obviously).

In thinking about it afterward, I've often felt that I should have had that relationship with my ex back in high school, instead of in college. That way, we could have had sex and that glorious roller coaster of first love, but then with no desire to get married so young we could have gone off to college and gotten over it, and moved on to people who were better matches for each of us. Oh well. Live and learn.

I also would have loved to have had a site like this for the sake of information. I was more knowledgable than most of my peers, but I actually had a student health _doctor_ tell me, when I told her my boyfriend and I were planning on having sex for the first time, that since we were both virgins and I was on the pill we didn't need to use condoms. Ack!

I would have wanted to experience intercourse in a safer more secure relationship. I don’t regret the way things happened, but I don’t think it was the cleverest thing I’ve ever done, either. Frank and me, we totally non-communicated, and that sucked big time, in retrospect. I would have wanted our Readiness Checklist back then. I would have really needed it.

I would have wanted to feel good enough about my body and myself to not rush to others for a self-esteem boost and to ease my pains and fears.

I wouldn’t have stumbled head over heels into dangerous situations.

I would have wanted to enjoy everything guilt-free and for the right reasons.

I was in a loving relationship, and even though I thought I would wait until marriage, I didn't. We talked about it months before it happened. About expectations, where, protection, feeling about it, would it change anything. Anything you could think of we talked about.

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We are starstuff, we are the universe made manifest, trying to figure itself out

I wish I hadn't rushed... that I had not offered it to him so quickly.

I wish I had thought about sex before. really thought about it, like i have been ever since.

I wish i had masturbated more!(maybe it wouldn't have hurt so much!)

I wish I had taken more time to get to know him...even though we are very much in love it is still a new relationship.

I'd have liked have been on the pill before the first time
I also wish that we would have waited until we knew each other much better, and we were more comfortable with each other sexually. (we did things kind of backwards, sex first then everything else)
I regret most things about my first time;weather(sounds strange but I always wanted it to be raining my first time), my age is what i regret most. The only thing I do not regret is who I gave my virginity to, its in my mind a very precious gift. I loved him very much, and still do even more.

I wish we would have waited a day or two longer... We were ready, but we got a little ahead of ourselves and ended up rushing through it the first time.

quote:

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Originally posted by BeachBabe26:
I don't think that I would have done anything differently, which I am really happy to say.

I was in a loving relationship, and even though I thought I would wait until marriage, I didn't. We talked about it months before it happened. About expectations, where, protection, feeling about it, would it change anything. Anything you could think of we talked about.

The actual "event" was beautiful. It was actually my personal favorite time we've had. The only semi-awkward thing was that I cried. Mid-action. That was a bit awkward, but it was becuse I was over-filled with emotions. He got nervous and stop for me to calm down. I just loved him dearly, and am extremely happy with my choice.

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How weird! This was EXACTLY my situation! I cried and everything... I figured I was the only one. Haha... thanks for making me feel normal.

I had sex with him because I wanted to. I didn't feel at all pressured into it, and it was done with mutual love.

Besides which, it was awesome. i figured it would hurt, it didn't, really. And when it was all over, I rolled over, looked at my boyfriend at said "Let's do it again!"

We were safe about it, and ready.

I should have waited until I was ready. I believed the myths that everyone was doing it. I figured if I didn't have sex, I was a nobody. Instead, I have an encounter that actually made things worse.

It is very unlikely a boy of that same age would be physically ABLE to enage in intercourse because of physiological development that has not yet occurred, and thus, an 8 year old girl having intercourse is likely not having intercourse with a child her own age. That given, it is highly likely what oohlala is describing was, in fact, an abusive scenario.

I am flatly surprised after your mother was not done crying she did not ask furtther questions and perhaps, contact local authorities.

Please bear in mind that if you were, or suspect you were, sexually abused at an early age, you can still seek counseling and file reports on such.

While there are rare exceptions to the rule, intercourse with children of that age is highly unlikely to be consensual or occur between children of that age group in any culture.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

quote:

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Originally posted by Lady Moonlight:
Some time later we got married, on schedule. Three and a half years later, we got divorced (not in the original plans, obviously).

In thinking about it afterward, I've often felt that I should have had that relationship with my ex back in high school, instead of in college. That way, we could have had sex and that glorious roller coaster of first love, but then with no desire to get married so young we could have gone off to college and gotten over it, and moved on to people who were better matches for each of us. Oh well. Live and learn.

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Lady Moonlight-

You mention that your relationship was a year or two of "roller coaster of love". As I sit here about to enter the exact same situation that you entered, I am wondering what you could have done to better see the divorce coming.

I am considering proposing to my current girlfriend, and everything inside me tells me that she is the one for me, but you are not the first person that I have heard mention something about what happens after the "butterfly in your stomach" love wears off.

Also a side note, I have, just like yourself, waited this long to have sex and I would really prefer not having multiple partners. Call me a conservative purist, but it is nice to never worry about diseases.

One last influencing factor... my girlfriend and I plan on having a very long engagement (~2 years). Hopefully with lots of great sex.

But, I guess I wasn't emotionally ready for the consequences, I thought that my hopes and dreams of us *finally* getting back together would come true, and I felt so happy about the whole thing after it happened, but the next day he totally blew me off, and told me he just wanted to be friends.

quote:

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Originally posted by VT Caver2005:
Call me a conservative purist, but it is nice to never worry about diseases.

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Don't worry -- we're pretty friendly here, there shall be no name calling.

It's important to realize that diseases are often contracted via sex; however, that is not the only means to transmit many STD/STIS. Read what Alaska has to say in this thread: http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum27/HTML/002664.html

(Edited because punctuation is my friend.)

I was knowledgable (STDs etc), and waited til I was on the pill and knew to use a condom.
I had been with my partner for 8 months, and known him for many many years.
I had discussed the topic with him, and thought about it alone as well; both of us were virgins.
I knew that loved eachother, and that I was doing it on my own will, not out of pressure, but because I wanted to and it felt right.
When we did, he was so gentle through the pain, it was wonderful anyways.

The only slight regret was that, I guess it would have been nice to have given it away on my wedding night, but I knew that I wouldn't make it anyways, long before I even started going out with my boyfriend. But, still, it would have been cool to say: "No one has ever touched me!! Be gentle my love!" To your husband on that night, but I guess you could still do a little role-play, eh?
lol.

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Love is natural, and everything that goes with it.

I learned how to say Yes that feels good and No I dont like that. Yeah you can say that I was jaded by my first sexual experience but I think that it has made me a stronger person because of it.

If you have the chance to say no and thats what you really want to say then say it and say it loud for all of the peole that didnt get the chance to say No.

oh yeah and i wouldnt have slept with my best friend. it sorta did but did not cause complications between me and her.

I plan on being open with my children on sex. My parents never were/are. My littlest sister asks me questions all the time. I am glad she has someone to ask.

If I knew then, what I know now, I would have asked questions instead of relying on what you hear.

It was only after three months (two months of dating) of knowing him and his roommate was barely out of the room (he was showering). It was the first time he ever said he loved me, and afterwards, I was afraid he had said it just to have sex.

Gumdrop's story rings a lot of bells. I too was 19 and we didn't use a condom, although that was because we didn't have one and I guess we didn't care at the time.

I know that he does love me. We've been going out for almost a year and a half now and he's been there for me through a lot of hard times since then. We don't have a "magical knight in shining armor" relationship, but I wouldn't trade what we have for that in a million years. Our ability to tell each other exactly what's on our minds and still be together tells me that we both want it to work and so it will if we just keep putting as much effort into it.

Perhaps it is stupid to feel guilt for loving someone, especially when I know my parents had sex before they were married, but I can't help feel that if they knew they would judge me. One of my ex-best friends did when I told her after she confided to me that she wanted to have sex with her boyfriend. I felt so hurt, I guess I still do. But I suppose there are always going to be people who judge. Anyway, I'm rambling now so I will leave it at that.

The time I personally consider I lost my virginity was with my now-fiancé. It was amazing. We talked and talked and talked before hand, and I was extremely touched at the depth of his concern for me. It never felt bad emotionally, and it seemed like intercourse was just a natural flowing expression of the love we already shared. We had been hanging out at his house talking, and it just seemed so right. He wanted to use protection from square one in the relationship, even though I take birth control, and he's always as concerned with my pleasure as he is his own. The first time we made love I nearly cried it was so good, and on more than a physical level. It is the most amazing feeling in the world to not know where your body stops and his begins.

Fortunatly for me, the lessons I learned here have been deeply engrained in my mind. When my SO and I had sex for the first time, there was plenty of talk leading up to it, plenty of forplay, condoms, love, and talk afterwords. At this point in time, I regret nothing. I have a wonderful relationship with this guy. He loves me for who I am. I love him for who he is, and how beautiful he makes me feel.

I have to honestly say, i regret nothing about my first experiences. Mainly because of this site. If it wasnt for this site being so informative and teaching me more of what was right and wrong and healthy and unhealthy well before i even thought about having sex with any partner...I dont know what my experiences would have been like. You guys taught me all the correct steps to take and to know that tv/movies/romance novels are not reality! lol

I was able to read all the articles and feel comfortable(and know that i *had* to reach that comfort level before even thinking about it!) enough to show all the articles to my boyfriend and we were able to talk about it extensively...and we still do.

I have to give a lot of credit to this site, it has taught me a lot over the years. I've been reading the articles and people's posts since i was about 15 years old, eventhough I've only recently in the past 2 years signed up to actually post my own questions. I have to honestly say,looking back, when i was not sexually active at all at 15, i knew more than the kids at school did who were sexually active. And I do not give that credit to my parents or my school, i give that to this site. Six years later, i still know more than my friends, i find myself educating them constantly on what is healthy and what isnt, sharing with them the knowledge i've learned here and telling them to visit the site.

I lost my virginity at age 16 to my current boyfriend (then of 3 months, now of over a year.) I have no regrets about sleeping with him. We lost our viginities to each other on New Year's Eve, and it was beautiful. It was planned, and we knew it was going to happen, and we'd talked about it a lot. I loved him very much and I still do. I will never forget lying with him in bed in the dark after it was over and feeling so wonderful about the whole thing.

He is my everything and I would love to be with him forever. Even if I am not, I will never forget the first time he told me he loved me or the first time we kissed and especially not the first time we made love. I think that he is the man that will forever have my heart.

However, if I knew then what I know now, I would have learned more about me as a person before I got so deeply involved with him. I understood my sexual self but not my emotional self, and as I was with him during a major part of my maturation, I began to learn these things while trying to bend my needs around his. It made some of my life very confusing, and I wish I had known (and probably he does too) how much attention I was going to need from him.

Now that he doesn't have very much time for me anymore, with schoolwork and everything else, I find myself lying in bed at night wishing for him to be there with me to just snuggle or hug or literally sleep together. If I had known then that I was going to need so much from him, then maybe I would have done things differently. But I would change nothing about my first time in and of itself.

I sometimes wish I could have my first time back but then maybe my whole life may be different right now or indeed my whole way of thinking?!
Who knows......