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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Insecurities.

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Author Topic: Insecurities.
Onionpie
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Member # 41699

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We all have our insecurities. A lot of the time, it's related to romantic relationships or sex. We also often have insecurities about other aspects of our lives. Although insecurity plays a part in everyone's lives, it's also something that everyone needs to learn how to identify and cope with, otherwise it can lead to unhealthy behaviour and feelings like jealousy. It's important to try to face our insecurities so that they don't eat us up from the inside.

In thinking about this, I realized that insecurity often arises when we have placed our feelings of personal value on an external source, rather than internalizing beliefs in our own inherent value. That's what leads to us feeling jealous of other people -- people threatening the external source that we have placed our own value in. For example: I play a rare instrument, in a musical field where women are pretty rare. Because I do not believe in my inherent value as a musician or as a person, I have externalized my value to being about "being the only girl in the field, and one who plays a cool instrument!" That means that every time another woman comes along who plays that instrument, I feel threatened and insecure, because she's filling the place that I feel is the only thing that gives me value -- because I do not believe in my own, inherent value, a value from within.

This is also evident in people's insecurities regarding romantic relationships or sex; if you feel your value comes not inherently, from being you, but from filling a role -- being so-and-so's girlfriend/boyfriend, maybe even just BEING a girlfriend or boyfriend, being "the sexy one" or "the innocent one", etc etc. -- then you are going to feel insecure and threatened if someone else seems like they could fill that role. That leads to the unhealthy and just generally icky feelings of jealousy that so many people grapple with.

So, it's important to identify what insecurities you have and where you think they're coming from. That way you can learn to identify when you're starting to feel insecure, and learn to instead focus on internalizing feelings of your own value.

Have you been able to identify any insecurities you may have? Are you able to analyse where they're coming from? In what ways are you trying to address these insecurities, or what ways do you think would work to address them?

Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MusicNerd
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Hey Onionpie! This is actually a really cool topic, so thanks for posting it. [Smile]

Well, a lot of my insecurities surround my experience (or actually -- lack thereof) with dating/relationships/sex. For instance, my parents were super-overprotective of me growing up -- they still are, and I've had to assert my independence by doing different things like choosing to not live with them this summer (except for like the two weeks before my lease starts in June). As a result, throughout my entire adolescence, they pretty much forbid me from dating and told me how relationships were a distraction, and stupid at my age and that they would just end in heartbreak. I also was bullied throughout my entire childhood, and my peers made me feel like I was unworthy of affection. Yeah... I'm working through baggage from all of that. lol

Then, after I started going to college a little less than two years ago, I started being treated poorly by some of the people I liked and I went for emotionally unhealthy and unavailable people. I felt like my lack of experience reflected negatively onto me and automatically meant I was undesirable, and that I was always going to be viewed as a second option in a crush's eyes.

I sometimes still have thoughts that are like, "Well... You're turning 20 in less than a month and you still haven't even kissed anyone, let alone had sex or been in a relationship. I guess that means you're awful and unlikable and that you're never going to experience any of those things. Sucks to suck." But those thoughts are much less frequent now and that's due to different things.

One of the main things that's helped me is therapy. I'm fortunate enough that my mom's job gives her great insurance, and by proxy I too am covered under it and have access to mental health care. My therapist is really awesome, and she's helped me out so much in the past 10 months that I've seen her. She's helped me with my depression and social anxiety and fear of intimacy that I deal with, and she calls me out on my insecurities and helps me to reason out why they're not grounded in facts. Of course, at first it didn't really sink in with me that these insecurities and negative things about me weren't really true, since they felt so inherently real and like an intrinsic part of me. But now, I feel much more confident in my desirability as a person and that not having any experience in those areas doesn't reflect negatively on me as a potential partner.

Another thing that helps me was something that my therapist encouraged me to do: write. She initially told me to write a daily journal entry for just a week in order to get in touch with my feelings and see how that made me feel, seeing how this was the point in my depression where I was pretty much numb to everything and apathetic about living. Those journal entries eventually led me to write poetry again, which turned into multiple poems written in spoken word style, and just recently I performed one of my poems at a show that's like my university's version of the Vagina Monologues. I used to be really self-conscious about sharing my poetry with other people, but now I want to try out for my school's spoken word group. [Smile] So, finding some sort of artistic outlet is really important. I also throw myself into my violin-playing and singing and composing as well, and those really help, too.

So, yeah! All in all, those are the things that have helped me. I'm really curious to see how other people deal with their insecurities!

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

Posts: 301 | From: a galaxy far, far away... | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Onionpie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 41699

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Thanks for the input MusicNerd! Those are all excellent strategies for learning to move past our insecurities, and I'm so glad they're working for you! You rock [Smile]
Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MusicNerd
Peer Ambassador
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Thanks, Onionpie! So do you [Big Grin]

--------------------
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

Posts: 301 | From: a galaxy far, far away... | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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