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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » I've been raped, and now I'm an awful person.

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Author Topic: I've been raped, and now I'm an awful person.
RJ30
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I was raped at the age of 16, and I haven't told a soul besides my immediate family who already knew. No friends, no peers or teachers. I also haven't managed to have a serious relationship since... until I met a boy who changed everything for me, and I believed I was actually overcoming it and becoming a better person.
However, I found that my temper increased dramatically and I changed hugely as a person.
Situations developed between my partner and myself, where he would verbally push me to my limits and it resulted in me becoming violent towards him.
Later on we broke up, and after attending a concert I was assulted and had my jaw broken, where I was hospitalised for 6 days and had to have 3 metal plates screwed into my jaw, which was broken into 5 pieces.

My parter and I got back together, and the same situation arised a few more times.
I know that violence of any severity is wrong and is absolutely disgusting, more than anyone. There is no justification in what I have done, but I want to explain my past to see if anyone understands me and help me.

My partner is pretty much perfect, he is good looking, a great guy and is there when I need him. I have recently told him about what has happened in my past and he has handled it amazingly, and has tried to understand, but there is something that I feel is wrong...

Sometimes when we argue (which does arise quite often) He can be insensitive about this subject, and often tells me that I blame him for my past, which I sincerely do not! I feel as though my real state of mind is left and I am threatened, I act violently.
I don't quite know how to explain it, except it feels as though adrenaline is coursing through me and I have no option but to attack, and am out of my own control.
Lately, I have managed to keep this in check, and after countless hours of research I think I have finally found somehting which helps me, but I still get terrified I am going to lose control and this will happen again.

My boyfriend respects me and tries to understand me, but when we argue I feel as though he says very insesitive things still (even if he does not mean them) as do I, but I feel like he cuts me deeper than I could ever make him feel, and he does not understand this at all, and can brush it off easily, especially after I have really spoken to him about my past in detail. It will sit on my mind for days, sometimes weeks, and I can't express my feelings about these situations without him becoming agitated or angry that I am 'moody',and him telling me that I am 'ruining the day/moment' which makes me feel so alone.

We have recently moved country together, and things are great, but this is playing on my mind more than ever. I love him more than I could possibly love any other person or thing in this world, and I thought this was the break that him, and I neeeded. Now however, I still feel just as isolated and helpless. I don't want to be this person that I became.

Can ANYONE help me? Even in the smallest way?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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RJ, I'm so sorry that you have been through all that you have.

It sounds to me like you need some help, probably ongoing help, with managing anger, and also with building trust. It's not surprising you'd have problems with either of those things given your history, especially if you didn't ever get any qualified support or counseling in healing from your assault, nor in processing what sounds like it was a mutually abusive relationship. You might also be dealing with PTSD, too.

Are you open to seeking out that kind of help?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(I just realized I assumed your partner now was different than the previous one: am I mistaken? Is this the same person?

If it is, then there's some other stuff to deal with here, starting with what's probably really tough to consider, which is that it's probably really not a sound or safe idea for either of you to be staying together, especially without both of you getting help first.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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RJ30
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My partner has never abused me, only me to him, which I always will regret deeply.

I'm not sure about counciling, I feel like I maybe should but, I've always been the person to think that I can do it alone, and what happens can either make you better or worse, and I try to stick by that.

We moved recently, to Spain, to get a fresh start.
So we are really isolated from English speaking people right now in that sence.

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Heather
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Here's the thing, and again, I'm sorry that this is pretty blunt: when people are abusive, they pretty much never change on their own. If and when people do change those patterns of behaviour, it's usually only though ongoing, long-term counseling, by someone qualified to work with abusive behaviours.

I think it's pretty clear the idea that you can do this alone isn't sound at this point, and you'd probably agree. And I think that it also isn't safe for your partner, emotionally or physically, and not safe for you emotionally. And a move won't change your behaviour, either. It'd be great if it was that simple, but it's just really not. [Frown]

Would you like me to look into what possibilities there might be in Spain? (Which for sure, might be awfully slim, especially also finding LGBT-friendly services, but I'd certainly be glad to poke around for you.)

If nothing else, while I'm heading out for the day today shortly, when I'm back tomorrow, I'd be happy to talk to you about what you can both do in the meantime to stop this from being such an unsafe situation. That really will, though, involve talking about not being together, just so you know.

I hear you saying you value this person a lot, and they obviously feel the same way about you, so while looking at things like that are undoubtedly painful and scary, I also think both of you probably do not want yourselves or the other to not be safe.

[ 05-22-2012, 08:45 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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RJ30
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I would appriciate that more than anything Heather.

While losing him would kill me, I don't want this to happen again to him. He is an amazing person.

Any help you can provide would make me eternally greatful.

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Heather
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You got it. I'm invested in both of you being safer and feeling better, and I'm really glad to hear that it sounds like you at least have that investment when it comes to him, and hopefully you either do already or can get to that with yourself, too.

I'll be back tomorrow, and before I post again, I'll also see what I can find for you to look into.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Oh, by the way, if you're still here, might you be able to fill me in on what you've found has been working for you to keep your anger in check?

Might be useful in knowing what you need and/or what, so far, has been something you've felt comfortable with that has so far also been effective at that for you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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RJ: looking around this morning, what looks like the most comprehensive organization in Spain for LGBT is Casal Lambda. It's based in Barcelona, but if you're not or aren't anywhere near, what I'd suggest you do is call them.

They offer a bunch of things, including counseling, so if you can't get help there, I'm willing to bet they have a resource list of other services in other areas they could connect you with, and which we'd know are safe and sound. They also offer counseling by phone.

They're at: Verdaguer I Callis, 10, 08003 Barcelona, and the phone number is: 933 195 550

Their website is here: http://www.lambdaweb.org/casal7.htm

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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RJ, I have another resource for you.

I checked in with a valued colleague of mine, a woman based in the UK who runs a counseling service for LGBT, and that includes offering her services to do counseling online. I made sure that abuse situations like these were scenarios she worked with, and she let me know they were, and described what I think is a very sound, caring and humanistic approach.

So, if you want to see what she can offer, and get a sense of her approach and if this is something you could use, her name is Ronete Cohen, and the website for her services is at: http://http://www.rainbowcouch.co.uk/

If you have questions for her, you can go ahead and email her and let her know I referred you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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