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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Parental issues

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Author Topic: Parental issues
Member # 72460

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I live a depressed mum, and my dad walked out a year ago. I try to help my mum with day to day life, but it's hard to balance that with social life and work.

Today was her birthday, and I offered to take her out for lunch somewhere and she just flat out refused and said she's too depressed. I was fine with that, a little sad, so I offered to at least make her coffee, she refused and pretty much grabbed the coffee pot from me. Then started screaming about how she always has to do everything...
It nearly escalated into a fight because I was annoyed that she refuses any offer of help, and then complains I don't help her.
Apparently she takes offense if I offer rather then just do it... so next time I'll just do everything before she has the chance to object.

Anyways... that's just one example. In the past I've had to contend with her drunk whilst threatening suicide, threatening to get herself taken away to an asylum, saying she wished I was never born so I didn't have experience such a painful world, wishing she wasn't born.

She has many reasons to be sad, she was sexually abused twice by her own father, he mother beat her daily, and then they sent her away to boarding school. Then every husband she had, including my father abused her, both my father and another husband violently beating her.

Then 3 years ago, a natural disaster occured and a huge forest fire burnt down most of our town and all of one up the road. So she lost many friends.

To make this all worse, my sister doesn't speak to her or anyone else in the family, except to send abusive emails.

My father is a whole other story, he was a compulsive hoarder, who loved to control everyone and everything around him. He never worked, constantly slept the whole day. And was an aggressive man who would get violent if mum would not do everything for him.
Last year I stopped talking to him completely and I've actually been able to get on with my life thanks to getting rid of him.

But we were left with all his stuff to get rid off, which was a huge burden...

Now after he left, my mum fell into a deep depression, lost all her hair due to stress which is now growing back.

But yeah it's been a tough year, I love my mum, and the other side of her is a kind, caring and intelligent person who goes out of her way to help others.

But no one else knows the other side of her that I have to contend with... and it can really try at my patience sometimes. Especially at an age where most of my friends are moving out and going to university, I am here having to make sure I don't just abandon mum in a situation I can't handle.

I can't say I've always tried my hardest to help. For awhile I just shut down... and it's easy to go back into that. Both my parents smoke marijuana, not occasionally, but continuously throughout the entire day. This I know does not help mum work through issues, as from my own experience smoking that for 3 years I was not able to think straight.

Thankfully quitting marijuana helped me see things differently. Although my drinking soon spiraled out of control, but I have also slowed that down a lot.

Sorry for this huge post, and props to anyone who actually reads through this. I just really needed to vent.

I'm going to clean the house and put in my fair share of work today, holding onto resentments doesn't help me. But it's just nice to be able to voice all this.

Posts: 27 | From: Australia | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 42505

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Hey I have a mother very much like yours, so I understand it can be hard. However, the biggest thing that helped me was moving out. It is not really your responsibility to take care of your mother and you are not "abandoning" her by leaving. Kids are meant to leave their parents eventually. You have to take care of YOURSELF first. And remember, you are not the parent, even if your actual parents aren't doing much parenting, that doesn't mean YOU should.

You really can't treat your mother's mental illness, only a trained professional can do that. I know from experience that likely anything you do (as you might be seeing already) won't really work, whether she feels you did the right thing or not will be largely based on how she's feeling that moment and not on what you've actually done or said. Your mother needs help, but you are not trained to give that to her. I would really recommend getting out of the house and taking care of yourself first. Just visiting her will be much less draining than trying to take care of her all the time.

Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

Posts: 876 | From: Seattle | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 72460

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Thanks [Smile]
I agree with what you're saying, I am working on saving up some cash and getting out of here. Where I live is a town of less then 200 people so there's nothing to do except work. In fact there's only one other teenager in town.

Mum stated seeing a professional last year, and that helped her immensely, she will continue that this year, and she is making an effort to overcome her issues... she does at least admit that she can be hard to deal with at times.

But you are right, I need to ensure that I look after myself as well, I have a good job, and I'm trying my best there to work as much as I can. I'm able to save up money and still afford things that I want. So I'm starting to make improvements [Smile]

Also, the quote by Ada Lovelace in your signature is awesome.

Posts: 27 | From: Australia | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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