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Author Topic: 7yr relationship
melissa1506
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Hello, I havent been on here in years , I joined up years ago when I first entered this relationship and you guys were very helpful, well years have passed and I am in a situation now and I have spoken to friends and relatives and just cannot get it out of myhead and am in nee dof your advice. Please help.

So I have been with guy 7 years, back in May and june we were fighting alot because his hours changed to over nights and we didnt ever see each other, I have to say I was difficult at the time. So in June I broke up with him and didnt regret it and had no problem with it . I thought I wanted it.
Then end of July he calls me ( the ex) and tells me he wants to go to dinner and talk) We went to dinner and both agreed we truly miss each other and cant live with out each other, and I had hopes if getting back but ........he got his 21 yr old neighbor ( hes 30) pregnant on a one night stand in june. She wants to keep the child. He swears to me they r done and have nothing to do with each other but they are going to be friends for the child...Which is alot to grasp to begin with...... So this weekend he went away with her upstate for the weekend but swears to me he didnt. I am almost beside myself. I miss him to death, regret breaking up with him and almost cant accept it bc I feel this baby makes it final.. Although I was open to accepting a child in his/my life if we were in a relationship...but it dont loook like shes going any where although he says they hate each other. What would you do? Please give me advice. I cant take another day of this in my head . I am 27 years old and all i do now is cry and cry. I dont tihnk I ever felt like this even in my little teenage relationships.

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NoName
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Hello. I thought I would reply to you since I am also in a 7 year relationship as well. I started dating my boyfriend when I was 16. Gosh, we have been through everything together it seems. We do fight sometimes and have some problems but luckily we have gotten through them in one piece so far. Keeping all this in mind, I can completely understand where you are coming from. If you are with someone for that long there has to be a reason why. There has to be a lot of love and attachment, and also the fact that you have spent the last 7 years of your life with the identity of being in that relationship. If I were to wake up tomorrow and not have my relationship, I would feel like my life was starting over again...since we got together so young. I am sure you would feel the same.

In my opinion, I think it is only fair to tell you that IF you do decide to make things work with him, it is VERY likely that it will be very difficult for you to handle. It is no longer just you and him...there is a third woman and a child in the picture. It also sounds like this other woman isn't even completely out of the picture, and with a child, she likely never will be. I am a tad bit disturbed that someone who is 30 years old would have a one night stand with a 21 year old, seemingly unprotected. That seems extremely irresponsible and careless to me for someone his age. Not to mention, inconsiderate of your feelings. Even if you were broken up at the time, you don't just get over a 7 year relationship, just like that. I couldn't even imagine how long it would take me to ever be intimate with anyone else or even if I would get to the point. He had to know that what he was doing would hurt you. Was this a complete change of character for him? I mean, were you beside yourself in surprise when you found this out? Sometimes people do change and their previous relationships just don't fit in with who they are anymore, that is sad but it just happens sometimes. But, that should tell you something very important. He must be doing a lot of changing inside, which may very well include the way he is feeling about you.

Regardless, it is technically possible for you to make it work if it is what both people want AND if you can make yourself willing to always handle the other two people in his life. It wouldn't be fair to the child for its father to not be around, regardless of the circumstances in which it was born. And as long as he has a relationship with the child, its mother will be in the picture too. That is only up to you and what your heart can handle. If you do go that route, I would make absolutely certain that he isn't under the impression that he can "have it both ways." It isn't right for him to lie to either of you about what he is doing. It sounds like he got himself stuck in a bind and he is trying to make it all work together...which doesn't really happen. On the other hand, if you choose to stay apart from him, that will be difficult as well. And I am sorry I can't give you a lot of advice on that because I am sure it would hurt a lot. BUT, there is life after a breakup, even if the road there is incredibly difficult. If you feel entitled to a relationship that doesn't have so many strings attached to past partners, then I suggest you seek one, because you have a right to be happy.

I am so sorry you are hurting right now. You have every right to feel angry, hurt, and even a little betrayed by this. I am sorry I can't be much help. All I can tell you now is to make sure that you let him know what he has put you through and your feelings about this situation. I would make double sure that you let him know that lying to you isn't okay. I will be checking back here so if you need to chat, I will be around. Take care!

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melissa1506
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thanx so much and yes you are so right there is so much attachment and feelings behind this all for 7 years so hard to let it go, when we both want it back ( so he says) but the hardest part isnt the child that goings to be here, i tihnk its the other woman because I feel he isnt being honest I tihnk he somehow wants us both and she isnt out of the picture like he says, they wouldnt have gone away together this weekend.

Also, I feel like I text him today and he dont even answer back bc hes with her, when monday morning when she goes to work hell be calling / texting no stop usually and its all so unfair to me.
I almost regret breaking up with him in the first place maybe none of this would have happened.

He blames because the end that our sex lief wasnt good bc alll we did was fight is why he just went and had a one night stand DAYS after we broke up with this girl
.Its jut so much 2 put into my head.

I dont know if i should move on forget him and listen to him that he missesme when I feel shes in the picture too. Both is so hard .

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NoName
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Please don't blame yourself. If you felt at the time it was right to break it off with him, you did the right thing. Maybe your heart was telling you in advance that he may not be the right person for you. He made the decision to have the one night stand on his own, you are not at fault for that whatsoever. From what you are saying, it certainly does sound like he wants you both and that is not fair for anyone involved. If he went away with her this weekend and he seems to be ignoring your calls sometimes, then you can bet that he isn't completely through with her. In any case, it would be very difficult for him to break it off with her at this point because they now have a child together. He probably feels attachment to her and maybe even false feelings only because of the child. Only time can tell how that will work out. He can blame you all he wants but there is no excuse for doing what he did. That was completely inconsiderate of him and very disrespectful of the relationship you two shared. It was also VERY inconsiderate of the other woman he did it with. I find myself growing more and more each year of my life and at 23, I know way more than I did at 21. I can't imagine how different I will be at 30. He didn't give her any consideration either when he slept with her and helped create a pregnancy. At his age, he should have been more responsible with you and with her. Only you can decide what is best but if it were me personally, I wouldn't buy the whole "I miss you" stuff as long as he is still with this other woman. He is being two faced and is not giving your feelings any consideration at all. You do not deserve to be treated like that. I so get what you are feeling. Broken hearts can be terrible and so painful. It can seem like you will never move on. However, most people do. Once they go on to meet who they are really supposed to be with, they see what they were missing all along. In this crazy life anything can happen. 20 years down the road you two could end up back together, who knows? All I know is in the present, it sounds like he is being arrogant and downright selfish to you, and that is NOT okay. This whole situation needs time to work itself out. You just need to take care of yourself and not let him get the best of you. Take this time to focus on other things in your life that maybe you ignored in your relationship. Just try to live. Time will help to heal you so much. I know that is the slowest medicine there is but sometimes, that is all you have.
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Heather
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melissa1506: do you want someone else to weigh in on this, too? If so, I'd be glad to. (Just didn't want to interrupt a conversation you were already engaged in.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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melissa1506
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sure weigh in!
Posts: 88 | From: ny | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
melissa1506
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to keep you updated my ex bf called me ths morning he said he wanted to talk, so we went to the park, we were there from 12- 5pm just talking.
It got emotional because ht old me he was away with her this weekend and has feeelings for her two, but he dont know if his feelings are bc of the baby or bc he loves her, then he said but i love you too, and he doesnt know what to do.

Should I step back and let them do their thing n if he misses me see if he comes back? or stay in this?
he says he loves me and wants me btu then says he feels same for her but feels bad breakin up with her cuz of the baby and they live next door to each other.

I am just as confused as him because my feelings and emotions are up and downa ll day .

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Heather
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I'm so sorry you're going through this.

One of the main things I was going to say was this: once someone is the parent of a child, they are always going to have some kind of relationship with the other parent, when there is one. What the nature of that relationship is varies, but you need to know there will be SOME relationship. If he's going to participate in parenting at all, that other person is going to be someone major in his life in some way. That's just the deal.

Now, that, all by itself, is probably something that's going to take you some time to sort through, and lots of people have all kinds of tricky feelings around those relationships when they are not part of them.

I don't think your decisions here can soundly be based on whether or not you two miss each other. Missing one another when we're apart just isn't something that makes for good decision-making about if a given relationship or right for us, or right at a given time or in a given context. The fact that he might miss you doesn't mean this is going to be a happy, healthy relationship for either of you. You've got to look at much bigger things than that and at a much bigger picture, I'd say.

It also sounds to me like right now, he's got something major he really needs to sort out first before he can figure what he can offer you at all. He's actually been clear he hasn't sorted out his feelings around becoming a parent or his relationship with this woman, and I'd say he needs to do that first before he can sort out his feelings about you and sort out if he's even emotionally and practically available for a relationships with you and, if so, what that might entail.

On your end, one thing I'd suggest is kind of retracing your steps. It seems clear that you broke up with him because you were not happy, probably for quite some time. Most people don't just toss longterm relationships out of nowhere, after all.

That given, I'm wondering if your feelings here aren't being amplified by what's going on with him and this other person, this relationship you can't be part of -- heck, and a second potential relationship, his relationship to a child that might be, one you also aren't part of -- and might be viewing as a competition. (You also seem to be viewing it as something you did, and I agree with NoName, that's taking/placing responsibility on yourself that's neither sound nor appropriate. He made these choices, not you.)

What do you think?

[ 08-23-2011, 09:05 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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melissa1506
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Well yesterday he asked me how I felt abotu everything and I told him I love him but I cant accept another woman and child in his our life forever. Some peopel can but I cant..He said he is in love with me not her. SO he broke up with her. Then later on we went to the gym together and he ran out in 20 minutes bc she got home and was looking for him and he said " we cant do this , shes having my kid, im not in love with her but we its not right she is likemy gf.: hes like i know ive told u she snot but u hada know she is so he hasnt called or text me since last night ( usually he does, all day yesterday he calledme for 8 hours tellin me how he wanted 2 be together if I can accept the kid, but then hes on the run frm her. I think hes playing both ends maybe and feel bad bc shes having his kid I dont know.. But i do knwo ill alwyas love him for life...but after last night im not calling him ne more..who knowz if hell even ever call me again.
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NoName
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Wow, I am so sorry that he was such jerk to you, because that is exactly what it was. First off, let me run a question by you. Okay, I know that obviously you wish that all the stuff with the other woman never happened, and that is understandable. But considering it DID happen, do you think it would be the right thing for him to do by just washing his hands clean with the other woman? I have no idea who this other woman is. She may be the most awful person in the world or she may be wonderful. I am "guessing" she wasn't completely aware of his relationship with you simply because this guy doesn't see very honest and I doubt he told her the truth about anything. I do know this, she is 21 years old. That is very young. Especially young to become a mother by a man who she had only been with one time and who is not in an exclusive and honest relationship with her. I feel very sorry for both of you women and I would like to give this guy a big slap in the face. Let's just say that he meant it when he said that he wanted to be with you and not her, would you then really want to be with a man who would abandon his child and its mother? What if he did the same thing to you on down the line?

I really don't know if he is just stupid or confused or what but he is playing games with the both of you. I bet he wishes that the other woman hadn't gotten pregnant so that he could continue juggling you two without any consequences but now he is caught up in something that it seems he is incapable of handling responsibly. I am not saying that you HAVE to love the person you have a child with, I wish it were that way but it isn't. But, he took a risk when he slept with someone that young. This young woman will need all the help she can get raising this child and he should have to help her because he helped put her in this situation. All in one night he put your relationship in jeopardy as well as his and that young woman's life. I know that you are feeling attachment and hurt, and that is okay and very valid. Try to think about why you broke up with him in the first place. I feel very confident in saying that it was because he was acting like an *** even then. Most people don't have dramatic personality changes that happen over night. Maybe he was completely different for several years of your relationship but somewhere down the line, he started acting like he is now and that is probably what told your heart to leave him. In my opinion, that was the right thing to do. You sound like a very intelligent and decent person. You don't deserve a guy that is this inconsiderate of people's feelings and you don't deserve all the drama he is bringing into your life. He told you that he felt bad for her having his kid...and that he loves you and not her...blah blah. Guess what, that is too bad for him. You don't have to love someone to have sex with them but when you have a child with them, boom, you are bonded for life. It makes me so irritated that he is acting so immature so I am sorry if any of this was harsh. I just hate the fact that someone who you have so much love for and time invested in would do something so selfish and ruin it all. I understand that you will have love for him maybe for the rest of your life. BUT, that doesn't mean you will never love anyone in that way again. You deserve better and I am sure you will find it. I wish you all the best in this situation and I only hope that regardless of what happens, that he is there for his child and doesn't have anymore one night stands. I hope he learns from this someday and sees how foolish he was acting and what he was missing. Take care!

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Heather
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I think the most core truth to know in all of this right now, one which is very clear, is that this is not a person who is emotionally available to you right now (or maybe anyone, including a child or this other person), and also not someone who currently seems capable of engaging in healthy intimate relationships, including things like honesty and emotional stability.

This really isn't about a you vs. her or you vs. kid the way that I see it. he's making it sound like it is, I know, and it's also easy to go to that place. But from what I can gather, both you and this other young woman aren't likely to have a relationship with this person of any real quality. And even when we love someone a lot, we don't help ourselves by trying to have something with them they're just not capable of, you know?

To boot, if this other person is going to remain pregnant and parent, and he wants to be involved as a parent or co-parent, and you know you can't deal with that, you also know that the current situation isn't something you're capable of dealing with or want to deal with.

So, it looks like you both have big limitations here, albeit different ones, limitations which clearly seem to make a renewed romantic relationship pretty much impossible. And it's totally likely, mind, that whatever was going on to facilitate a breakup in the first place remains. In other words, you obviously thought well before now this relationship wasn't working anymore. It could very well be you're just as right about that now as you were when you made that choice before. Just because we miss each other doesn't mean a relationship is the right one. Chances are good that a lot of what you're missing is a relationship you had, but just don't anymore. That's totally normal, and part of our usual grieving process when relationships end or radically change. We don't need to get back into something that doesn't work to deal with that, we just need to let ourselves feel those feelings, process them, and invest energy and effort, in time, in moving forward.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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NoName
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You know Heather, right in line with your post is something I was telling my boyfriend the other day. I have had a really hard and rocky relationship with my mother and her family my whole life. They are very dysfunctional and they butt heads with me a lot because I have lived my life differently than they have. I was talking to my mother the other day and after I got off the phone, I felt hurt and frustrated, as usual. I was talking to my boyfriend about it and he commented that I don't get nearly as upset as I used to when I talked to her in the past. I told him that one thing I have learned is that "you can't keep expecting someone to give you something that they mentally and physically are incapable of giving you." I thought about that last night and it has occurred to me that it has taken me a lifetime to learn that lesson. You really waste a lot of emotional energy by waiting on someone to change or to love or care for you in the way you want them too. If that person never got those things themselves, how can you expect them to know how to give it to you? So Melissa, I hope this helps you in some way because just knowing that fact has helped mend my heart in so many ways and helped me to stop blaming myself for things I can't change. Take care!
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melissa1506
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Hello, So I told him today we cannot do this any more..we HAVE to say goodbye and both part ways as much as it kills the both of us because his life is already moving on with a child coming.
We both were not happy but had to do this.
Theres no other choice. Well he called me 16 times since then. I feel its terrible both our hearts want each other..but just cant have it because of his mistake. [Frown]

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Heather
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Do I have it right, then, that you two made an agreement to be done, but he's already not honoring that agreement (by endlessly calling, etc.)?

I really think this is about much more than just this "mistake." (I also feel like calling it that is pretty iffy. He didn't fall on this person and have sex with her by accident, after all. As well, if he chose to have sex unprotected, that was a choice he made.)

You split up well before this: I assume, given the length of this relationship and how much you clearly valued it, you had reasons for that, no? As well, he clearly has some issues, for lack of a better word, when it comes to engaging in relationships in what I'd say were healthy ways, be it with you or someone else. Heck, even just making this agreement with you then calling you so much illustrates that.

[ 08-27-2011, 11:40 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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