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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » I need a little help

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Author Topic: I need a little help
Member # 48638

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I love this guy. He's not my boyfriend. He perceives that I've done something terrible that I haven't. He thinks I've been nasty to his girlfriend. She's been telling him things about me, I don't know what, but he and I have always been close friends and I think she's trying to turn him away from me because she feels I'm a threat to the relationship. He believes her hands-down. He and I just got in a fight about it and I can't convince him to look past his lovey feelings and see logic.

For example: if I were trying to destabilize the relationship, I wouldn't attack her. That would just make him hate me.

He wouldn't hear it. He just went, "I was hoping I was wrong about you doing those things, but I just can't see how I would be." Then he said he'd only continue to be friends with me if I stopped being such a jerk! But I haven't done anything. [Frown]

It's so hard, watching him and her together. He's attracted to dozens of girls. Most girls, actually. But not to me. There isn't anything I can possibly do. I just feel like I was born with something wrong with me.

Now on top of this, he's making me feel horrible and he won't believe me, and what I say is the truth, to him and to everyone here, I promise. I know it's hard to accept when something about your new crush isn't right, so I understand how hard he might find it when I say the things she's been saying about me aren't true- because who wants to believe their new lover isn't perfect? None of the things he believes about me are true, and it isn't my fault, but I feel terribly guilty anyway.

He has always rejected me as a romantic partner, and now he doesn't even want to be friends. He thinks I'm basically a bad person. I put so much stock in what he says that I believe it, too, even though I know it isn't right.

I live alone. We had this fight over text. So I started crying at first, and then it escalated while he got more upset with me. I am usually quiet but I started making a loud upset noise. It wasn't real screaming. It went "AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaugh! AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaugh!" Loud then quiet, like a siren. I must have looked and sounded really stupid. It was a new form of crying. You know when you're upset, tears come? This caterwauling came the same way. My legs went numb, probably from breathing all weird. And my hands seized up into a claw position, and my shoulders seized up so that my head was between them, and my head was snapping back and forth from shoulder to shoulder. I got a bad tummy ache.

I feel better now. I wanted to tell someone that all of this happened, and it's hard to relate these things verbally.

I want to know what was happening to me. And, I'm sorry for throwing a lame-o pity party over here. I just wanted some support. I promise I'm not usually this much of a drag [Smile] Thank you guys.


Posts: 69 | From: America | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 1679

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It sounds like your friend is not being a very good friend to you. There's nothing wrong with being upset about that. It would upset anybody to be treated that way. There's also nothing wrong with expressing your emotions in whatever way feels authentic to you as long as you're not harming yourself or someone else. If that means making siren noises, there is nothing wrong with that.

Conflict via text message often isn't the most effective way to deal with an issue. With texting, we're limited in the ways we can talk about things and we miss out on tons of important things in the conversation because we can't see the other person's face, body language, etc. Is there any chance you could sit down in person and talk with your friend?

In the end, if he chooses to believe the things that his partner is telling him there just isn't much you can do about it. You can present your side to him, but you cannot force him to believe you even if what you are telling him is the truth. You are not a bad person, nor does it sound like you have anything to feel guilty about here.

Sarah Liz

Posts: 7316 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
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Member # 49582

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I'm with KittenGoddess. This guy should know that you would not do those things if you have been friends for so long.

'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 48638

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Yeah, but he's always had trouble not believing a girl based on his level of attraction to her. One incident in particular comes to mind- a different girl he liked told him I was a thug and that I threatened to kill her. I thought it was hilarious because I'm really quiet and a big nerd, and it was such a big obvious lie. And then he actually believed her. And then I didn't think it was hilarious anymore.

Unfairness bothers me. I also feel like there must be something not right with me if he thinks I'm so plain that I'm not even worth listening to. I could cope pretty well with not being attractive to him when we were friends, because at least then I thought I meant something to him. But as it turns out I was always just his last resort; he's happy to throw me away the minute he finds someone else. That makes me feel bad. Really bad.

He's actually a great person, and he can't help it if he's not attracted to me, and if I found a new love like he has I'm sure everyone else would fade into the background. It isn't reasonable of me to expect anything from him. He doesn't owe anything to me.

I know things will be through with him and this girl in a month or two. Then he'll come back to me. He'll still think everything is my fault, but his anger toward me will have subsided. We'll be friends again. We're too close for either one of us not to forgive the other. I know people will probably tell me it's best to just cut all ties with him, but all the good moments we have are worth the fights in between. I just need support during those in-between times.

Every instinct I have tells me he and I are right for each other and that he should love me. I totally get that he doesn't, but I wish I knew why. I don't want to live my whole life with this huge, epic bittersweetness that's become a part of me.


Posts: 69 | From: America | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Can I be really honest here?

These two statements:
Yeah, but he's always had trouble not believing a girl based on his level of attraction to her.
He's actually a great person
Don't fit together so well. Sure he might be a good person in general, but he is not being good to you. You deserve to be treated much better than he is treating you.

I think that this is "huge, epic" because you're allowing it to become huge and epic. He sounds like he has no interest in dating you and is only a fair weather friend, who'll turn his back on you whenever it suits him. It doesn't sound like there's any chance of a romantic relationship between the two of you, and what you've described is not a healthy friendship.

Also, I'd like you to realize that even if he isn't listening to you doesn't mean that you aren't worth listening to . Sarah listened to you. I listened to you. The problem here isn't that you aren't worth listening to, it is that he chooses to not believe you. That's a choice he's making. The problem resides with him, not you.

So, yes, my recommendation is to take a big step back from being friends with this guy.

Posts: 2262 | From: in transition | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 48638

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Thank you.


Posts: 69 | From: America | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 74021

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Why is women not want to kiss a man?
I have a girlfriend we been together about 6 months. But she still not want to kiss me on the lips. Please tell me is it because i am a man, or does she enjoy kissing women instead. I hope you can help me is this matter i am worried that we will not be able to go much farther in our relationship if she not want to kiss me on the lips and show me some passion. So i hope you can help if she enjoys kissing a women over me. Plus she not want also to take me out in public to meet any of her friends. Tell me how i can find out the true in her an what i might be able to do to have her show me passion.

Additional Details
But i have heard in her past that she was with some women, Could she still be with some now an maybe why she not want to kiss me on the lips or show any Romantic Passion to me.

Posts: 1 | From: USA | Registered: Aug 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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