Donate Now
Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Boyfriend obsessed about my weight?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Boyfriend obsessed about my weight?
weeniemon
Neophyte
Member # 50577

Icon 1 posted      Profile for weeniemon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi, I'm 18 this year and I've been dating my boyfriend for 10 months. And my boyfriend is obsessed about my weight and overall fitness.

I admit I'm not athletic, but I am not fat nor skinny. My BMI is in the normal scale but my boyfriend is just not happy about it. He keeps saying things like "After this meal, you have to exercise.", and he says that to me over 10 times a day. He is happy when I don't eat even though I'm really hungry and he gets angry at me when I haven't exercised. He won't let me eat food I like, and when I ask if we could go someplace nice for dinner he told me that I had to "work for it".

I don't know what his problem is, sure he's not fat either but he's not the fittest person on earth. We've had many fights over this and I tried to tell him nicely to let me work things out on my own, but he just wouldn't listen. He wants me to lose weight whenever HE wants me to.

I just don't get it, he's a really great guy in every other aspect, but he gets really nasty when it comes to MY body. What the hell am I supposed to do?

Posts: 10 | From: Here. | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karybu
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 20094

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Karybu     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Honestly, were it me, I'd have been out the door long ago. He may be great in every other respect, but restricting what you can eat and trying to force you to exercise is trying to exert control over your life, and that, in my book anyways (and I'm sure a lot of other people would agree with me), is abusive behaviour.

I know that's likely not what you wanted to hear, but something like this from my point of view just isn't worth trying to fix.

--------------------
"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

Posts: 5721 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I second this: you are describing someone who is seeking to control you and engaging in some very real abuses.

This is a big red flag, IMO, and likely control/abuse that is starting around this issue, but will not only likely continue, but will also probably escalate to other areas and kinds of abuse and control.

I'd strongly advise getting away from this person. They are clearly not a safe. healthy person to be close to.

In the case you disagree, then the answer here is to put a big, hard limit on all of this.

As in: he may NOT ever tell you what to eat or keep you from eating whenever and whatever you want. He may not take part in your exercise routines, whatever they are, unless it's something like you wanting to go work out and he wants to work out with you to hang out. He will not, in any way, seek to control your body, your eating, or your activity. If he does any of those things, you're done dating.

So, you put all that down, and you see if he agrees to respect those limits. If he doesn't, or finds you even setting them unreasonable, then you can know very clearly for yourself that this isn't a sound person to be with.

Does anyone else in your life know about all of these things he's been doing?

[ 07-06-2011, 05:13 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67924 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
weeniemon
Neophyte
Member # 50577

Icon 1 posted      Profile for weeniemon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I did speak out to him about him being controlling in the past, but he refuses to believe it and makes me provide evidence, and then disproves them. I asked him whether he would do anything that would hurt me, he said no, but he honestly doesn't think what he's doing is wrong.

There were a few times when I had lunch with his parents and his folks ask me if I want a dish on the table, and he said no because it would make me fat.

And no, I haven't told anyone in my life about this.

Posts: 10 | From: Here. | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Alice
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 28346

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Alice     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Most abusive people believe what they're doing is okay - they've rationalized it to make sense in their minds. His denial isn't very surprising, honestly. And like Heather said - abusive people tend to only escalate (get worse over time), and this is particularly true when they don't actually realize that their behavior is abusive or unhealthy, or hurting you.

Healthy and functional relationships include people who completely own, control and take care of their own bodies. This is a biggie. We all want to be the owners of our bodies, right? Especially as we grow into adulthood and take charge of our lives.

Like Karybu and Heather have already suggested - I really urge to leave him. Or, at least, if talking to him about this issue is getting you nowhere just try taking a break from him for a few weeks (or months). See how it feels to not have someone else trying to control your body, what you do with it and the food you put in it. See if the yucky feelings you're getting from that actually over-power any of the things you like about this guy and this relationship.

Also, if you can, start talking to people you trust in real life. We are, of course, here to support you as well - but if you can talk to someone in real life too, it may be an eye opener - especially if it's a person who knows both of you. And when you're in an abusive relationship, it can be really helpful to have someone there, supporting you.

How do you feel about all of that?

--------------------
The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you. - B.B. King

Posts: 1180 | From: WA | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
weeniemon
Neophyte
Member # 50577

Icon 1 posted      Profile for weeniemon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thanks for all the advice, currently we've worked things out and he decided to respect me, but I'll be careful if anything happens in the future.

I really really needed that, thank you <3

Posts: 10 | From: Here. | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Djuna
Activist
Member # 29269

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Djuna     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi weeniemon, I just wanted to weigh in and say I don't want you to feel at all blamed for staying with this guy - that's absolutely your prerogative, and the way he behaves is completely his fault.

I really hope that he does respect the limit you set out, and well done to your for setting one! [Smile]

That said, and I don't know if this is me being male privileged and somehow-never-putting-on-weight privileged, and therefore almost never having had my eating habits questioned (and if this does sound privileged of me, I really apologise), but I definitely think that if someone started trying to take control of how I eat and when I exercise and whatnot, I'd just break up with them. That's just me - I can't think of anything in a relationship that would be worth feeling bad about enjoying food or worth having to exercise all the time to please someone.

Do you have anyone in-person you've been able to talk about your boyfriend's behavior with?

--------------------
“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
weeniemon
Neophyte
Member # 50577

Icon 1 posted      Profile for weeniemon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
You're lucky indeed, haha! I put on weight pretty easily but I'm on a healthy diet. I do feel the urge to indulge quite often though, but it hasn't done much harm. What he kinda expects from me is zero indulgence and a lot of working out. But personally I don't have many complaints about the way I look, I sometimes fluctuate but in the end I'm in the exact shape that I was in when we first met.

I'm glad he was willing to listen to me though. How you look is apparently a big deal to men, or so he tells me, or maybe he's just fussier than normal people.

I told my best friend briefly, we haven't had much time to talk. I didn't get to tell her a very detailed story but she offered me similar advice.

I hope everything will get better though..

Posts: 10 | From: Here. | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
So, when you set those hard limits, he absolutely accepted them, and let you know he would honor them?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67924 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
weeniemon
Neophyte
Member # 50577

Icon 1 posted      Profile for weeniemon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It took us quite a while, we had a fight about it since last night and the both of us were angry at each other, but we worked it out this morning when both of us were more calm and willing to listen. It took me lots of explaining about what I was feeling about it and how he shouldn't continue, he slowly understood and accepted them.

He can be really self righteous at times when he's angry, but after 10 months of being with him, he has made a lot of improvements and I'm thankful for that.

Posts: 10 | From: Here. | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Can I ask why he was angry with you? I'm not seeing what there would be to be angry with you about: you're simply asking to be in charge of your own body and, you know, eating like a grownup.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67924 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Violet1234
Activist
Member # 63961

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Violet1234     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
How you look is apparently a big deal to men, or so he tells me, or maybe he's just fussier than normal people.
Yes, he is MUCH fussier then normal people. Let me get this straight, he's trying to control what you eat, constantly tells you to exercise, and won't let you eat certain foods because they'll make you "fat?" To me, he sounds like an eating-disorder personified. It looks like you've talked it through with him, but if he tries to control your body again I'd get the hell out of there.
Posts: 49 | From: California, USA | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
reeree
Neophyte
Member # 70526

Icon 1 posted      Profile for reeree     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
People are fussy about bodies but that is no excuse! Men who love their partners in a healthy way do not force them to do things that are unhealthy (which he is doing here) or try to control them.
Posts: 36 | From: The states | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
weeniemon
Neophyte
Member # 50577

Icon 1 posted      Profile for weeniemon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thanks for all your advice, I'm really grateful to have my problems heard. So far everything has been okay, but if the situation repeats itself, I'll know what to do.

Ahh the internet is wonderful. [Smile]

Posts: 10 | From: Here. | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.

Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3