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Author Topic: Dealing with bigoted parents? Any Advice? (Very Long, Sorry)
LilyBee
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Well the background of my story is that even as a kid, I was kissing girls in elementary school. I know a lot of kids do this, but I think there was actually something to it. I started seriously considering my sexual orientation in late high school and came out over a year ago. Iím 21. I just told my parents about over a month ago. My mom and I always argue because I just happened to grow up being all the things she didnít want me to be in terms of the core values and my opinions on things like religion (I am an atheist, my family is Christian). So the arguing is nothing new, but itís a different tone now. I donít regret coming out as of now, because I was tired of hiding and I feel like I shouldnít have to hide.

Anyway fastforward to yesterday. My mom and I had an explosive argument that actually left me in tears, which is the first time Iíve cried over my sexuality. My mom works with criminals and sex offenders, so she had to talk to this one guy who had pedophle charges or something. This guy had a horrible background, was a high school drop out, and then got swept up in Christian revival, and she asked him if he thought homosexuality was a choice and he said yes. He said the only reason he got into homosexuality as a child was because he ďliked the feeling of itĒ and not because of attraction. (yet he continues to have charges against him involving males only...hmm.) So my mom uses this to attack me and say that the trash I watched online (assuming she means porn) is what turned me gay. She goes on telling me that Iím perverted and she wont support that, and that if I ever choose to act on this and date a girl, she will cut me off financially, and probably not talk to me as well (though she didnít say that outright).


I was LIVID. There was screaming. I'm pretty sure my entire dorm knows my business now. I told her if she ever disrespected me in that way, trying to bully me into feeling what she wants me to feel, then we WILL go our separate ways and I will never speak to her again. If we go our separate ways, I told her, it wont be my fault for staying true to who I am and what I want in life, but it will be because of her shortcomings as a parent. If her religion makes her feel better about being a bigot, I said, I hope it comforts her as well when she turns her back on her child.

Also, she rejects any evidence of animals engaging in homosexual activity. She claims that humans manipulate the animals to corrupt gods nature. At this point, Iím like, if youíre disregarding logic and reason for your religious beliefs, then you are beyond any resolve and I feel sorry for you. And she used her dumbass, pedophiliac, sex offender as an actual resource, who confirmed that the animals being involved in that activity is a lie and that the guy responsible for finding a genetic predisposition for homosexuality was lying as well, that he was just biased because he was gay himself. Basically anything that doesnt fit into whatever her religion teachers her is gods plan for us, is a manipulation of man and nothing more.

Whenever I donít believe in what she wants me to believe in, she resorts to calling me a follower, which is ironic. I have never followed other people. My entire family is Christian, I went to Christian schools, and I denounced the religion from self reflection, history, and my own dissatisfaction with it when I was in middle school. No one in my family and few people in my schools growing up were ever vegetarian, but around that same time, I stopped eating meat and now Iím a vegan. Iíve always been an individual, and I never just accept things because someone tells me to. I figure out what makes sense to me, what I like, and I go with it. I always stand up for what I believe in. This is why it makes no sense for her to tell me Iím being ďswayedĒ to homosexuality and "following" other people. By ******* who? Ugh.

You know, I remember testing her out in high school. I made a joke about my future sons being gay, and she said, ďif your children are ever gay, I donít want to know them.Ē Iíve given her the benefit of a doubt until now. Coming out made me see just how ignorant and brainwashed by their religion my parents really are. Theyíre bigots. My dad kind of hides behind my mom on this issue for some reason, but I know he agrees with her because he has said he doesnít approve.

To top it all off, she makes a comment about my weight loss struggle (yeah, Iím a fat vegan, thatís right. lol) saying that its probably because of my perversion and my lack of faith in god that I cant seem to lose weight.

I just canít take this. I feel so sorry for her. It's ironic when she accuses me of this, because I think she's so lost. And Iím pissed that I have to put up with this. I am SO glad I went my own way growing up and evolved into the person I am today. It would disgust me if I had turned out anything like them on personal values.

Now, Iím left with what to do.If it comes up again (and it will) Iím just going to say straight up that I just wont tell her when I get a gf. If she wants me to lie to her, I will, but Iím telling her now that she will not control how I feel, ever, on any issue. Itís ridiculous that sheís even trying this especially at my age. It never worked when I was a child, and its not going to work now.

The worst part is that while I am in NYC during the school year, I have to go back to Baltimore in the summer where the public transportation sucks, I can barely drive, and I have no car. I wanted to get involved with the glbt community or something, but I can see my parents not allowing me to drive there using their cars. Iíll be trapped in my own house.

Any advice on how to deal with shitty parents? (If you made it through all of this, that is.)

Posts: 2 | From: New York, NY | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
teller of tales
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Hey LilyBee,

I hear you with your anger about the behavior of your parents. Since I don't have to say so much about possible ways to deal (my problems with my parents rather lay in a complete disinterest in my life), I just wanted to write to tell, how great I think you have been dealing with all this.
You've been clear about your boundaries, what kind of behavior you don't accept and through all this kept a clear sense, that it is not you, who is the problem. Many people a lot older than you don't manage to act so straightforward especially with people, that are (sometimes unfortunately so) close to them.
It seems, that you have a very keen sense of what is right for you and stick with it. I want you to keep in mind, that you are a wonderful person and hope, that you get the support you need!

Posts: 30 | From: Europe | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
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I'd like to echo what teller of tales said. You sound awesome, funny (about the vegan thing) and strong, especially being vocal about boundaries.

My parents are similiar. As I talk about how to stop the objectification of women a lot, and I'm queer, my mum kept saying I have a 'breast obsession' with a look of absolute discust on her face. I used to scream at her, but I found the best I can do is just not to think about it. Do something else that makes me happy like talking to friends, and talk to mum as little as possible, and blanking it out. This might not be the best idea though, sorry.

My brother has the same trouble with my mum as me, but he's developed this amazing reflex of just tuning out everything she says. However, this gives him a 'listening problem' with other people who aren't my mum lol. The best thing he ever taught me about it was to laugh. Once she called me a 'murderer' (because I joked about killing somone on a video game) and my brother texted me saying: 'if you're a murderer, she's a farmer and I'm a milkmaid!' It's really difficult, but it can help sometimes to just laugh privately with yourself about how silly it is, and then dismiss it. I now think 'breast obssession' and just laugh at the irony, similiar to how it's ironic that they call you a 'follower' when you are the only non-religious vegan queer person in the family. You are queer, or realised that you always were, because you *aren't* a follower.

Also, every time your mom mentions your sexuality or faith, is there any way you could leave the room? Or maybe the house? Do you have anyone kind close by? I know you shouldn't have to, I really hear that, but if you go somewhere else, she can't do fresh damage. A friend nearby might help. Is there anyone?

I used to just run. I know this stuff drains your energy, but when I was angry I'd grab my shoes and run straight out the door. I'd run, and run and finally found somewhere to rest and cool down, then walk back. What's it like where you live? Is a big city, or a village or countryside? Sorry my geography's really bad.

A friend also taught me to turn things into a joke or a compliment and/or a subject change. Like if your mom turns to start an arguement with something like: 'you're perverted', you could say 'I'm just interesting. I have vegan shoes.' If she's not in that bad a mood, maybe it will diffuse it. If she continues, leave. Doing this will also protect your self-esteem, if you can.

I also think it helps to remember how many people just haven't worked through sexuality stuff and end up putting their issues onto younger people who have; because the world is changing quite quickly. They've been taught that having natural sexuality will harm a person. It really hurts when it's your parents, but they're not right, in case you ever need to hear that. I started to think mind were, because I thought so highly of them.

How badly does the public transport suck, and in what ways? How far away is the LGBTQ community place?

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Hang in there, you're sounding way stronger than I ever did.

[ 04-24-2011, 06:50 AM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Moire O'Searcaigh
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Bigoted parents/ family members are some of the worst freedom-suckers out there.

Like RaeRay2112 says, turn arguments into jokes. SOmetimes it works. Whenever someone tries to hit me, if I don't feel in too much danger, I block a slap with my hand and say 'Yeah, high-five!' Surprisingly, sometimes I even get a laugh.

You can also show them scientific proof that what you're doing isn't wrong, if there is any. Or tell them about that Episcopalian bishop that was ordained a while back. He's gay. Huh! First bishop in Hell, perhaps?

And as a last resort, avoid your mom. Just completely avoid her. She won't mind if she really doesn't care. I know that is hard, I still love my mum even after she disowned me, but that doesn't take away the fact that she raised me.

Mothers are difficult. But the easiest way to avoid too much hate going on is to just stay calm and rational. Even if she doesn't. Calm logic wins arguments, not screaming and giving up. I wish you all the luck I can wish, because that is the best advice I can offer.

Posts: 17 | From: Northern Ireland | Registered: Aug 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
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Moire, I was disowned too. *hugs* What you said helped me.

'Freedom-suckers' - love it!

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Yelllowwalllpaper
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What I've learned about dealing with religion is simple: you really can't. Avoid arguing because if it an older religion like Christianity, they've been explaining away logical errors with faith for generations.
In fact, bring up even the most lOgical arguments sometimes just fills the religious mind up with more faith, feelIng as if they are 'fighting the good fight'. So I would stay away from all the explaining and reasoning and just be clear, as you were, on where you stand.
To give you background, at sixteen I was a mormon priest (as custom dictates) and the bishops assistant. Underneath, however, my gender and sexuality started to cause an increasing amount of greif and frustration. I was very absorbed in my religion at the start, so I know both sides of the story.
Leaving the church was at times as hard as dealing with my sexuality, it took alot of strength and I went through alot of suffering to do so. So, playing the devils advocate for a second, understand that a lot of people are simply not ready or unequipt to have there foundations shaken.
This does not, however, excuse her actions. I think a relationship is still possible if she can learn to accept your joy as real and praise worthy even when she doesn't agree with it's origin.
When I came out, I was dragged into the bishops office and put in a lot of uncomfortable situations and I ultimately had to leave the house and separate myself as much as possible, but I have hope that someday, when they see how happy I am, they will put beliefs aside.
I hope some of that helps. I really feel for you. There is no bigoty more hurtful than that of a parents. But, to add testament to other comments, you sound strong and capable of finding your way through with or without the

--------------------
"Divine I am inside and out, and I make
Holy whatever I touch or am
Touch'd from,
The scent of these arm-pits aroma finer
Than prayer,
This head more than churches, bibles,
And all other creeds"
-Song of Myself, Walt Whitman

Posts: 16 | From: California | Registered: Aug 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Yelllowwalllpaper
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Wow. Lots of grammar errors. Apoligues. I did this on my phone.

--------------------
"Divine I am inside and out, and I make
Holy whatever I touch or am
Touch'd from,
The scent of these arm-pits aroma finer
Than prayer,
This head more than churches, bibles,
And all other creeds"
-Song of Myself, Walt Whitman

Posts: 16 | From: California | Registered: Aug 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Moire O'Searcaigh
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quote:
Originally posted by RaeRay2112:
Moire, I was disowned too. *hugs* What you said helped me.

'Freedom-suckers' - love it!

Yay! Glad I could help! *interweb hugs to you too*
Posts: 17 | From: Northern Ireland | Registered: Aug 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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