Donate Now
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Not this again! - How do we deal with recurring problems?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Not this again! - How do we deal with recurring problems?
teller of tales
Neophyte
Member # 53252

Icon 1 posted      Profile for teller of tales     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
This topic has been on my mind for a long time and I hope I can put it down in a comprehensible manner.
There are some annoyances that turn up time and time again and when they turn up again, I seem to struggle like the last time to find an appropriate answer.

Example: In school I had a nickname I despised, but the others wouldn't stop using it no matter in how many ways I explained why it is disrespectful and bothers me. At some point I developed a strategy to deal with it consistently - I only answered to questions when someone used my real name. If they used the nickname first 10 times, I ignored them 10 times, but answered as soon as the called me by my real name. This solved the problem in a few weeks.

Now I want to point out, that nobody is responsible for the inappropriate behavior of others and should not be asked to find a solution in any such situation, when they are the one suffering it, nor will a given solution, that worked for one person necessarily work under different circumstances.

But since this kind of behavior - the ignorance of personal boundaries and of the right to bodily (and mentally?) autonomy happens fairly often and won't go away any time soon, I want to open the discussion for examples of said behavior and possible ways to deal with it.

A current example: I don't deal well with people intruding into my personal space, even if it doesn't happen out of maliciousness. This includes people touching my hair, tapping me on the arm or shoulder, leaning into my space and so on. I never know how to react to it. I think, it would become easier, if I could follow some kind of script like I did in the first example (if A happens, I'll do B), since I wouldn't have to think up something quickly when it happens.

I'd like to welcome everybody (and I think nobody has a hard time thinking up examples, if it is the grandma you were supposed to kiss as a child or unnecessary and unwanted comments on your looks, choices) to join the discussion!

[ 04-19-2011, 03:25 AM: Message edited by: teller of tales ]

Posts: 30 | From: Europe | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kawani3792
Activist
Member # 48854

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Kawani3792     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I understand this particular situation very well...I have issues with being touched when I don't want it, and it feels incredibly invasive, but I have difficulties explaining this to my brother.

Unfortunately, my solution probably won't work for you...while I've gotten to a point of reflexively holding up an arm and incidentally nearly karate-chopping my brother in the throat when he tries to come in and give me a hug, I'm assuming you probably don't want to do that to friends? Also it wouldn't work for people who aren't trying to give you a hug.
Maybe start ducking away? I know that isn't a great method, but it's all I can think of right now...sorry! If I figure out something better I'll post

Posts: 183 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
teller of tales
Neophyte
Member # 53252

Icon 1 posted      Profile for teller of tales     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
What you described reminded me so much of something, that happened quite often with my ex-boyfriend. There was of course more casual bodily contact compared to encounters with other fellow humans, but sometimes (especially when half-asleep) when he touched my arm or something, I elbowed him unintentionally, acting on instinct as it seems. But yes, this is certainly not a method I could or would use.

I already used the ducking a couple of times when somebody tried to hug me and I wasn't okay with it.
And no worries, I haven't figured it out anymore than you, though we could see, if we find something together.

If it were someone I see regularly, I'd probably ask them to ask before they hug me (I always ask beforehand because of that), but with someone who drops it suddenly on me?
I have no idea.

Posts: 30 | From: Europe | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
young hag
Neophyte
Member # 62663

Icon 1 posted      Profile for young hag     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey sweetie *g*

We were talking abouth these reactions that you can go through again and again in order to make them feel natural, so you don't have to overcome your inner Schweinehund (I am at a loss with English right now).
The first the thing which came to my mind and could be a suitable reaction for you is to take a step back and slightly raise your hands (I mean literally) - a gesture that is understood everywhere as "woooow, forget it" (maybe depending how quickly you do it, how far away you step, which facial expression you show and what you exactly do with your hands). But it's something natural and something that is so common no one can act as if they wouldn't understand.
And there are a lot of small things you can change about this gesture if you felt that it was a bit too "blocking" for you.

I hope that's an option.

[ 04-21-2011, 04:23 AM: Message edited by: young hag ]

Posts: 2 | From: Europe | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
teller of tales
Neophyte
Member # 53252

Icon 1 posted      Profile for teller of tales     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
(hey! *waves hand*)
That seems like a good idea for the hugging-dilemma. I have to put it to test the next time and see how the other person reacts. Since people usually don't (the persisting ones) "read it" when I just move back, this one might be obvious enough to notice right away .

[ 04-21-2011, 09:41 AM: Message edited by: teller of tales ]

Posts: 30 | From: Europe | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
young hag
Neophyte
Member # 62663

Icon 1 posted      Profile for young hag     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I am glad if it would work. I've got the feeling it should because it's just so natural (to do and to read).
Posts: 2 | From: Europe | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
teller of tales
Neophyte
Member # 53252

Icon 1 posted      Profile for teller of tales     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
That's actually a good point. Rather than trying to find "the perfect solution", use something, that already is an understood part of nonverbal communication.
It would be fascinating to see, if there are similar responses for the other situations. Of course, when I think about it... I would probably snarl (when somebody tries to touch my hair, that is) if I just skipped the "this stuff is what society drilled into you". Don't know, how people would react to /this/. I guess, I would need some kind of verbal response in this case (just thinking aloud).

Posts: 30 | From: Europe | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3