Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » feeling suicidal

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: feeling suicidal
badgercat12
Neophyte
Member # 50143

Icon 11 posted      Profile for badgercat12     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Lately I've been feeling like I want to kill myself.. alot. It's all I can think about. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I figured I'd take a bottle of sleeping pills with some wine and be done with it. Thing's haven't been so great in my life. Among family issues there are a lot of "boyfriend" issues. Me and my bf broke up but were still seeing eachother and having sex, and he would tell me he loved me. Now since I got him a lot of nice things on Christmas and he got me nothing, he took the stuff and hasn't been talking to me. Referring to me as "The ex" and I feel like I've been used as an object. I want my stuff back but when I call he doesn't answer.I feel like nothing but some disgusting w_re and I just don't want to be alive anymore. He promised me he wasn't seeing anyone else and he wanted to get back together with me. But on Christmas he called me pathetic. I just can't deal with it and I feel like my head is going to explode.
Is there anyone whose been there? I could really use someone to talk to.

Posts: 29 | From: Philadelphia | Registered: Nov 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
badgercat12
Neophyte
Member # 50143

Icon 1 posted      Profile for badgercat12     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I just want to talk to him but he's making it impossible. I know it's stupid to die over a boy but it just goes along with everything else. Ive lost all respect for myself as a person and for my body. I was a virgin when we met but I thought I loved him enough to give it up to him and now...I just feel like no one knows what i'm going through right now. Can someone please help me?
Posts: 29 | From: Philadelphia | Registered: Nov 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hello, badgercat. I'm sorry you're feeling so low. It sounds like you're in the middle of a crisis and in need of in-person help, and that's beyond the level of help we can provide here. While we'd love to help, as an online service we are just not equipped to handle situations where in-person support is needed.

Is there anyone around you that you can talk to? A family member, friend or mentor that you can confide in? If that's not an option, then I'd encourage you to at least call a crisis hotline. Those are usually free and anonymous, and you can find the phone number to the local crisis hotline online or in the phone book.

Either way, please do reach out to someone.

In the meantime, we'll also be happy to continue to talk to you here on this message board. Just know that we won't always be able to reply immediately, as we're short-staffed over the holidays.

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
badgercat12
Neophyte
Member # 50143

Icon 1 posted      Profile for badgercat12     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm afraid my mom will see it on the phone bill later in the month. Is there anyway it wont?

I just can't imagine anyone being so mean to someone that cared so much about them. It hurts. I feel like I was never good enough, but I tried so hard. I never hurt anyone if it could be avoided, I never led anyone on or called anyone mean names, why do I deserve this?

Posts: 29 | From: Philadelphia | Registered: Nov 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
AponiKanti
Activist
Member # 48252

Icon 1 posted      Profile for AponiKanti     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
you don't deserve it badgercat, and you know what? it's not your fault. it honestly is not your fault, i swear it's not. That boy has his own serious issues and unfortunately you were the dumping ground for his poor skills. He's the one who is pathetic for being unable to treat you as a proper young lady deserving of love, respect, and care. You wouldn't have been able to know that he had such bad character traits, so it can't be your fault.

i've gone through something similar, in tenth grade i really liked this boy. I thought he was nice, i actually knew him from church and we were at the same school. it turns out that he was one of the rudest, most ignorant, cruel and uncaring people i've ever met. not once did he ever say anything to me regarding my displays of affection, but he did tell his mom that i was stalking him, which i wasn't. a lot of problems with my school work started up around the same time, so family troubles ensued along with boy troubles. i managed to survive that year without too much incident, but eleventh grade was horrible.

In eleventh grade i got a boyfriend, once again, thought he was alright, he was actually a friend. That relationship ended in complete and total disaster. not only did both of our behavior become unwise, causing us to get disciplinary action at school and cause a major drop in grades, but huge family issues started because of the relationship and school. It turned out that my ex was one of those people who is always a victim, always being plotted against or lied about, nothing was ever really his fault. he never outright blamed me, but he was also terrible at doing right by girls. His next girlfriend was a friend of mine, very sweet and cute, he didn't just break her heart, he shattered it. he accused her of cheating and made several phone calls trying to spread lies about her, he almost got jumped by her other friends, all girls. he also had this bad "habit" of being intimate with her when i was nearby, kissing and hugging on her and such. his second girlfriend, also a friend of mine, broke up with him within a few weeks because of his pathological behavior. He was disrespectful and derisive, often making "jokes" that made me and others very angry and upset. It got to the point where i hated hearing him go "would you calm down, i'm just kidding!" and it's like, if you know i take that stuff seriously and i keep getting upset, why the hell are you still making such "jokes"? i would even explain the situation and "joke" to others and they would all agree with me that it wasn't a joke, it was mean and understandable that i'd get upset and it was mean to continue to purposely make me upset.

As an added bonus, last year, around thanksgiving, he randomly starts texting me again. I honestly didn't think he still had my number because i had long since deleted his. it made me angry because i didn't want him texting me and when he first started he kept playing games instead of just identifying himself. He kept trying to convince me to hang out with him, especially because he wanted to "apologize" for all that he put me through in high school. Umm, no, I have a boyfriend, a fact he knew and he even knew who my boyfriend was! There was no way i was hanging out with him period, much less alone. I was nice at first, telling him i had no reason to hang out with him for an apology because he could simply apologize over a text, especially since i had forgiven him (with great difficulty and sometimes i have to do it again) when i graduated. yeah, that ended very irritatingly, at christmas i argued with him so ferociously to leave me alone and never text me again that he agreed and i haven't heard from him since. lucky me.

so i understand the boy part totally, now to how you're feeling. I've suffered from depression since 11th grade, that's four years for me, i'm 19 and a sophomore in college. Many times i have struggled with the desire to kill myself. It's a horrible feeling. At one point, when i was at an out of state college, it was so horrible that i was close to doing it, at least three times. I had to come home. I'm in a depression right now, unfortunately, but i get some satisfaction from empathizing with others. I can understand your pain.

Please don't do anything drastic. Suicide is not the answer at all. It's not your fault what that boy did to you. He is the one with problems. You are beautiful and worthy of love and respect. You deserve to be cherished. You are not a wh*re. I am certain of this as strongly and clearly as i am sure snow is made of water and that the sun is hot and the earth is round. And i promise you it will get better. It might not be right away, it might not be for a little while, but i swear it'll get better, without that hope i wouldn't be here and it has gotten better at times. Unfortunately life has downs as well as ups, but i won't patronize you by saying it "builds character". There are resources you can look up online to find some help, but you should definitely try and find a physically available person to talk to and get help from. and of course we're here for you at Scarleteen.

Posts: 95 | From: Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Badger - whether or not the number will show up on the phone bill depends on whether or not your phone carrier lists 1-800 numbers. Some hotlines also have online services where you can talk to someone via e-mail messages. And, of course, you can also see if there are any crisis counseling centers near you for in-person counseling.

This site might get you started: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/Default.aspx

It's got a crisis hotline number you can call, or you can search for a counseling center near you.

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
badgercat12
Neophyte
Member # 50143

Icon 1 posted      Profile for badgercat12     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I live near a pyschiatric hospital, it's really pretty with big grounds and run by quakers, but i don't want to be admitted.

He came over for Christmas and I gave him a bunch of nice things that I had to sell some of my favorite clothes for, because he said he was going to get me something. He didnt. He didn't get me anything. Then he said how he was going to use the cologne I got him to get some other girl to like him, and before he drove off he said "You're special but you could never get me back" I feel physically and emotionally sick. I've lost a lot of weight, my mom says I look like a skelton in baggy skin, I can't sleep, and my heart feels like it's going a million miles an hour grinding against my bones. We we're so in love during the summer. We spent hours walking around the beach looking for shells an hermit crabs, or going on picnics in the mountains. I really want the stuff I gave him back, but I don't know if he will give it to me. It's the least he can do.
It's like no matter what I do, he'll come find me, he lives down the block, and ruin everything. This other boy was talking to me for a little bit after we broke up and he got in touch with that guys friends and told a bunch of nasty lies. I wish I was strong enough to know what to say to him to get my things back.

Posts: 29 | From: Philadelphia | Registered: Nov 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
badgercat12
Neophyte
Member # 50143

Icon 1 posted      Profile for badgercat12     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks Aponi. It's just i feel so ashamed of myself for trusting and loving him and always forgiving him. It's hard talking myself out of not taking a bottle of sleeping pills, or not jumping off the bridge near my house, or not eating rat poison. It's horrible that the only way I can think of becoming stronger is by dyeing. I don't like that someone can make me feel this way. Then when I think of how much longer this feeling is going to last, it only makes it grow stronger. I can't sleep at night without taking 3 or 4 bendryl, I can't practice the violin anymore, all I can do is lock myself in my toolshed and scream into a pillow for hours. I don't like who I am or what I've become. It's a horrible feeling. I don't know what to do anymore. I used to think love was one of the greatest things in the world, I love being in love and having someone love me, but for how good it is that's how bad it has become.
Posts: 29 | From: Philadelphia | Registered: Nov 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Onionpie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 41699

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Onionpie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey, badgercat. Please know that loving and forgiving someone is nothing to ever be ashamed of. You are not at fault for giving someone your love, or for forgiving them; they are at fault for taking advantage of that. It is not a weakness, it is nothing to be ashamed of. He is the one who should be ashamed, for taking advantage of something you truly have and he doesn't seem to; the strength and ability to care for someone. Because that is a strength, not a weakness. You are stronger than him, and I think you always will be.

Were you able to contact any of those services joey shared, either online or otherwise? I have found in previous experience that hotlines and their online services are so, so helpful and supportive for getting you out of times like these. Do you think that there's anyone in your life you can talk to about this? It's very important that you get some in-person support for this hard time in your life. We want you to be safe, so please do consider it. Meanwhile, we are absolutely here to support you [Smile]

Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
AponiKanti
Activist
Member # 48252

Icon 1 posted      Profile for AponiKanti     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
oh darling, there is no reason to feel ashamed. it sounds like he's manipulative, which is not your fault. please don't do any of those things, it's not worth it. none of those avenues are worth it, and they're not guaranteed to work, you could end up in immense pain in the hospital. And, there is no way killing yourself can make you stronger because you won't be alive to be stronger. I don't think you need to be admitted to a hospital, but you do need to see a doctor. To boost your hope, love is one of the greatest things in the world and it is wonderful to love and have someone love you. Unfortunately you loved someone who didn't love you back, but trust me, when you find someone who loves you back it will be one of the greatest things ever. Yes, it opens up the possibility for great hurt, but i find that it's worth it. You will find someone worthy of you, or at least as worthy as can be found for such a lovely, sensitive, caring young lady as yourself [Wink]

I will encourage you to find someone to actually talk to in person out loud, preferably a professional. I would also say that journaling might be a good idea for you, you can write out your feelings and your hopes and dreams and desires. And, try and focus on positive things, think of the positive stuff that you want to happen in your life, imagine yourself having those positive things, imagine how you would actually get those positive things. If you believe in any particular religion/faith i would say pray. If you were raised Christian like i was you should know that God does listen and answer prayers and you don't have to be asking him something simple. You can tell Him about how you're feeling as well, and you can read encouraging passages from the Bible.

keep fighting darling, we're all rooting for you. we'd hate to lose you and so would your family and friends. If you need help getting those things back from your ex then you need to approach some adults, his parents, your parents, because something tells me he is too selfish and self-absorbed to give them back to you without being forced to. I would say try and be brave and ask him for them back, and after that bring in the adults.

Posts: 95 | From: Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
badgercat12
Neophyte
Member # 50143

Icon 1 posted      Profile for badgercat12     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I called him over last night and really talked to him about how awful he's been making me feel. He actually broke down in tears . I feel so much better having told him, like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. Thank you so much.
Posts: 29 | From: Philadelphia | Registered: Nov 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
AponiKanti
Activist
Member # 48252

Icon 1 posted      Profile for AponiKanti     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
that's pretty ok, good luck darling!
Posts: 95 | From: Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3