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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Need help. Donít know what to do. What are my options? (Page 1)

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Author Topic: Need help. Donít know what to do. What are my options?
Atonement
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I have mentioned the extensive amounts of problems with my father in various other posts, so I wonít go into details about the issues Iíve already posted about, which include nonphysical abuse, mostly to my mother.

Now, we have a whole other problem.

My dad (who is in his mid 60s) has had uncontrolled diabetes and hypertension with very high numbers on both. He has refused to take the medicine his doctor prescribed him. Last week, it finally caught up with him, and he had a brain hemorrhage. He couldnít remember who he was, who we were, or anything.

He refused to go to the hospital, so his doctor had to send orders for him to be taken by force. He was in the hospital for 8 days, and just got released yesterday. My older brother and sister flew in from their respective states to rush to his side. My mother slept in a hard chair right beside him the whole time. And now that heís out and my older siblings are back home, he wonít take his medicine.

Heís in complete denial about what is happening. He still doesnít know where he lives, or a bunch of other basic information. He canít remember what we told him 5 minutes ago, ect. It took about an hour of my mom, younger brother, and my sisters and I of crying and begging him to take his meds for him to do it. Today, not that my older sister has left, heís worse. And now heís getting downright mean to us when we try to convince him to take his meds, Telling us we don't know what we're talking about and telling us that if we don't leave him alone "We're going to pay".

My mom and I have both been out of work for a week, and I have to go back tomorrow. My mother will also have to go back eventually in order for us to be able to eat. We have a load of hospital bills headed toward us, all for nothing, since heís not following the regimen needed to keep him healthy anyway. But she canít leave him at home alone when his memory is so dangerously bad.

I just donít know what we can do. I know you guys are going to advise me to get out, but my youngest sibling is 10, and I certainly canít leave her or my younger brother or my mom to deal with this crap. Something HAS to be done. Heís a danger to himself already, and Iím afraid if we donít play our cards right heíll be a danger to us too.

Iím to the point where Iím ready to call whatever kind of service that there is. If it means taking him away, it seems really tempting. Even if this is sort of how he normally acts, Iím certain this is affected by the hemorrhage. Just this morning he was telling us how grateful he was to be home and how heíd take all his meds. Whatís the point of us keeping here so he can treat us like crap while we watch him die?

Iím also going to place a special request that Heather try to take a look at this and give me her input, since sheís helped me through so much before and is kind of familiar with my problems with him.

I am in desperate need of suggestions. I need numbers I can call and resources that I can look into for my family, because after whatís happened, we just canít live like this anymore. Somethingís got to change.

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Heather
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Atonement, I am so sorry about this. [Frown]

First things first: have any of you called the doctors he was being treated by when he was in the hospital and asked for help with this?

I agree that this is really serious, for all of you. I also don't think that if putting him in someone else's care means that he'll be cared for best AND the rest of you won't lose your minds, your hearts and your lives, that that is a bad thing. Sometimes we can't give someone the care they really need as laymen, and sometimes family members or partners are also not the best caretakers simply because the person they're caring for can pull some things they wouldn't with people not as close to them.

All of you matter here: not just him, and the way things are going, it's clear no one is being helped.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Atonement
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As for the doctors he was working with in the hospital, I really wasn't too pleased. They knew what we were going through (having had to restrain and sedate him on 2 occasions to keep him from escaping the hospital), and it took literally 2 days to get him the bacitracin ointment for the place on his hand where he ripped out his IV, and we had to beg to get them to prescribe him something for his moods before they left (though it hasn't done much good anyway since he won't take it)

My mom and sister have a theory that he'll be more compliant about taking his meds during the day than at night (since all of his meltdowns have been after dark), so my mom's going to give that a try tomorrow. Still, there's a couple cholesterol medicines that he's supposed to take at bedtime, so I'm not sure how well that will work out.

He doesn't have a primary care Physician, since he decided that he didn't like him and dropped him after one visit at the beginning of this year.

The doctor that gave the order for the ambulance to take him was an urgent care doctor that my mom persuaded him to go see a couple days after his symptoms started. He does not remember either doctor anymore.

I mentioned calling the urgent care doctor and asking his advice, but my mom says that the guy has done as much as he could by calling the ambulance. I'm not sure about that though. I'm thinking I might just call him myself on Monday and at least ask his advice. What do you think?

My brother just cam up while i was in the middle of typing this message to give me an update. Apparently he was trying to explain to him what would happen if he didn't take his meds, but my dad just ignored him, and when my brother asked him if he was listening, he responded no. Then my mom came in to back my brother up, and he threatened to punch her.

The stuff that's coming out of my little sister's mouth is just heartbreaking. She keeps saying things like " I don't think I could live here anymore if he dies in this house- I would see him everywhere.", "How are we going to live if he dies.", ect.

[ 11-26-2010, 10:38 PM: Message edited by: Atonement ]

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OWL Dan
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My heart felt wishes go out to you and your family!

I would highly recommend calling the hospital's social services department. They can be a great resource for situations like yours. They should be able to not only help you find solutions with your dad, but they should also be able to help find assistance for your family and how it affects all of you too. I would still recommend calling the urgent care Dr. and any of your familyís Drs as well, because they should be familiar with other resources to call. The more referrals you can get, the better your chances of getting the help your family needs. Donít hesitate to let all of them know that he is physically threatening his family members; it will play a major part in getting the help you need!

On a related note, I would highly recommend calling you little sisterís school and ask for their guidance counselor. Let them, and her teacher, know what is going on because they may be able to help her through this or at least let you know if this causing her problems in class. Please donít hesitate getting help for yourself and little sister, not knowing any of the background, please donít down play encouraging the rest of your family to do the same (if they are receptive).

--------------------
Dan

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Heather
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Atonement: I concur with some of Dan's advice here.

Want to also fill me in on what your family's healthcare situation is? As well, with your Dad, is/was he employed? If not, or if he clearly can't be for a while, has he filed for temporary disability?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Atonement
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Thanks for the suggestions, Dan!

@ Heather:

My family's health care is pretty good. My family (except for me, I have my own insurance) Is insured through a plan through my mom's work. My dad also has Medicare parts A and B.

My dad actually has had a permanent physical disability for several years, so he has been receiving permanent disability assistance since before I was born.

Our main concern money wise is that if My mom can't go back to work and god forbid loses her job, and then something happens to him, we won't have her income and his disability payments will stop coming. Not to mention, a lot of financial decisions my parents have made were based on them having both incomes, so if they were reduced to just one, It's be really tough to afford everything.

The good news is, so far my sisters theory worked. My mom managed to give him his medicine during the day, and he took every single pill yesterday, and she says they had a really good day. So that's definitely a turn for the positive.

I really liked Dan's idea about talking to a guidance counselor at my sister's school. The only problem is, our district is pretty small, and they only hire academic planning counselors, not ones that can help you with personal issues. The same goes for my brother, and I'm not sure about my college. I'll have to look into it.

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Heather
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Per resources at the schools, I'd still ask those counselors. Even if they don't have someone on-site, they can likely find someone to call in for this or refer your siblings to someone who can help.

Since he's already on disability, it sounds to me like checking in with social services might be the best bet here. It may be that he can get some home hospice care, for instance, since it sounds like he may need it and your family may need it in order to keep making ends meet and for him to be well-cared for.

Has your mother yet also had a talk with her employer about this whole situation to see what flexibility there is?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Atonement
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My mom has enough sick time that she can be out of work for up to a month with no consequences from her employer. Things are really looking good yesterday and today, and he doesn't even remember how he acted Friday night. But I wonder if a month is enough time for him to get well enough to stay home alone, or even if he ever will be that way again.

My mom is trying to set him up with a new primary care doctor, and hopefully he can see her next week and she'll be able to give us some more information.

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Heather
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I'd still go ahead and look into all of your options. It's great things seem to have suddenly turned around positively, but you also want to be set up for just as sudden a turnaround in the other direction, since that can happen.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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OWL Dan
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Your Mom might want to check into the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA); the only I can think of would be if her employer is too small of a business for it to apply. It would protect her job status but it doesnít allow for extra pay if her sick, vacation, and disability pay allowances run out. Definitely still contact the school and, as Heather said, they can still provide referrals at the very least. Also, the teachers should at least know that there are issues at home. Donít hesitate to look into several resources because you never know what you may find or possibly need in the future. I am happy to hear things are going better now, although continue to prepare for down the road a ways and Ďwhat ifí. It is better to be prepared just in case.

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Dan

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Atonement
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Well, you guys (as i feared) were very right to advise me not to let my guard down just yet. He's refusing his meds again this morning.

Mom has already filled out the FMLA. So, I doubt she's actually lose her job, but will just need the money eventually...

The home health care is a good idea in theory, except i doubt a nurse coming in to check up on him twice a day is going to help much, if he won't listen to us. When he was in the hospital, they had to resort to physical and chemical restraint on 2 occasions.

I almost wish that we could just send him to a home or something. The stress is nearing unbearable, and it's awful to see my mom going through this. She spent a week in the hospital with him sleeping on a hard chair, comforting him, wiping his *** and cleaning up his vomit. And does he treat her any less like crap? No.

But I'm afraid to even suggest something like that. I know my dad (and probably my mom too) would feel like I was betraying him.

I just keep thinking "one more year, and then I can transfer colleges and move out", but me not being here isn't going to make things any easier on my mom. That is, if he's even still alive in a year...

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Heather
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Having someone else come in to help with care can do a host of things. Not only might he respond very differently to that person, even if he doesn't, it gives all of you something of a break sometimes, which is a big deal. People who do home care are also trained in dealing with difficult patients in ways all of you probably are not.

Certainly, finding residential care for him is also one option: this is something else you can talk to social services about, okay? Just having a talk about it to find out what your options are is a good place to start.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Atonement
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Ok. I'm going to have a talk with my mom about this first and see what we can come up with.
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Heather
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Atonement, how's it been going?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Atonement
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Thanks for checking in!

Well, things have been better the last few days. My dad has been taking his meds since Thursday. that's definitely something, but I'm not letting myself get too overexcited about it.

I also have a bit of a distraction going on now.

Exactly a week ago, I got onto a social networking site, and added a friend from high school, a guy who I had almost dated.

We had lunch, went to a movie, and reconnected really well. We held hands, and that was it.

We met up again on Tuesday. And our first kiss evolved into making out on the bed with his hand up my shirt. We met up again on Friday, and ended up having sex.

That was moving really fast for me, but I was enthusiastic and happy about it. Now today I'm a nervous wreck. He hasn't texted me as much today as he has throughout the last week, and I'm afraid that stereotypical scenario where one person is completely enthusiastic until sex happens and then get's bored is happening.

If it is, that really sucks, because I was just starting to feel all connected and whatnot. I really wanted to do it, but now I'm afraid that I messed things up between us. I guess maybe I shouldn't have done something so emotionally compromising when I'm already kinda emotionally compromised, but I honestly thought I wouldn't care, and I honestly thought he did. And maybe he does. I don't know, but I'd sure like to find out.

When we left things last night, it was all feel-good, and he wanted to get together Sunday, but I've barely heard form him today, and I'm over analyzing...

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Atonement
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Just to edit, I now feel like I have a knot in my chest.

I tried to call him last night, but no answer.

I kinda feel like I have to be just freaking out over nothing. He implied both before and after we had sex that he was interested in seeing how this progressed, but I've barely talked to him since he dropped me off after having sex.

I don't see why he'd be leading me on, because I gave him an opportunity to tell me if he wanted it to be just a hook up. I wonder if maybe because I said that that he thinks *I* wanted just a hookup, and that's why he's being distant... Or maybe he's just busy. He's supposed to be switching apartments this week, so maybe that's it.

I'm probably going to call him again in a couple hours and feel him out, because i just can't stand the tension. How should I address this? I feel like after what we did, if he wants to just end things, he at least owes me the courtesy of letting me know...

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Atonement
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I talked to him on IM earlier, and i think he kind of blew me off. He mentioned a friend from out of town, and i think when he mentioned hanging out with me he might have overbooked.

Here's a transcript of the IM.

Me: What's up?

Him:10:40am
hey, hows it goin?

Me: 10:41am
good, you?

Him: 10:41am
good, waiting for (Insert friend from out of town's name here) to get here

Me: 10:41am
thats cool
hey, were you still interested in getting together today?

Him: 10:42am
?? whats today?
tuesday?

Me: 10:42am
sunday

Him:10:42am
O_O
wtf lol

Me: 10:42am
lol
having trouble keeping track of days?

Him: 10:43am
something like that

Me: 10:43am
in my house, that would get you a neuro evaluation

Him: 10:43am
what?

Me: 10:44am
ask you all kinds of questions, shine a light in your eyes to make sure your pupils are responding, ect
i can bring that over if you like, [Wink]

Him:10:44am
naw haha
I'm straight

Me: 10:45am
cool, cool
so, were you still interested in meeting up?

Him: 10:45am
dunno, we'll see what today brings

Me: 10:46am
hey, would you mind if i call you? now?

Him: 10:46am
my phone is in my car, but you can still call lol

Me: 10:46am
lol
I'd like to talk to you
you there?

And it left off there, so yeah, I think at worst case he's avoiding me, and best case just forgot this guy was coming in and doesn't want to bail on him.

So, I wrote up a little message that I'm about to send him. Let me know if there's anything you think I should leave out or put in.

Hey!

Iíve decided that itís probably in my best interest if I study today, so if you want to find some time during the week to hang out instead, thatís cool.

Also, I thought Iíd mention something. I noticed youíve been a little less talkative than before since Friday. And I wanted to let you know that if youíre having second thoughts or donít want to keep this going, I can handle that. However, Iíd really like to make sure weíre on the same page here, and that I know whatís going on.

Iíll talk to you later, and take care!

Also, I know heather is the one that's been talking to me about all this most, but if someone else wants to join in that's fine, cause I'm kinda on pins and needles.

[ 12-12-2010, 11:26 AM: Message edited by: Atonement ]

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Heather
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Hey there. [Smile]

I think something we always have to know if we move something to sex really fast is that we are usually making it more likely it will just be a more casual hookup. That's not what always happens, mind, but I would say it happens more than not.

That said, I think the message sounds just fine.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Atonement
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I see what you're saying.

But the thing is, just the other day he was asking me if if i was interested in flying in to meet him when he goes out of town for work, and after we had sex, I straight up asked him what he was thinking, and he said, " I'd like it to keep going, and keep it going when I get back. Don't worry, I'm not gonna F*** you and forget you." He had also been telling me about how much he'd liked me in high school, and how he'd always wanted to reconnect with me but hadn't been able to. He's even already taken me to meet some of his family and everything.

So basically, what he was saying last time I saw him vs. how I think he's acting now doesn't really match. I suppose those very well might have been lines to get into my pants, but he seemed pretty sincere. And I guess I see it as pretty unnecessary because I probably would have hooked up with him even if he had just said "I want to hook up", but...

And really and truly, if it is just a hookup, I can live with that, but I just can't stand that I might be being strung along with this. If he doesn't want to get together again, I wish he'd just say so instead of "dunno, we'll see what today brings". Do you think the message I wrote was enough to get that point across?

[ 12-12-2010, 12:44 PM: Message edited by: Atonement ]

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Heather
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Not knowing this person, and without you really knowing him well enough now to know if he's trustworthy or not per meaning the things he says, it's pretty hard to take a guess here, you know?

I hear you on not wanting to get strung along, so I'd say that if in a few days, he's still being wishy-washy about getting back together, by all means, you may need to be pretty direct in asking where he's at. Or, you may just need to make your own choices in just moving on: after all, what you do or hold unto isn't dependent on what he does.

But I would also bear in mind that given the crisis you've been going through with your family, you may also be a little more (or a lot more!) sensitive and reactive than usual, so it may be that he's not actually being wishy-washy, he's just busy or you two aren't understanding what the other needs well right now.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Atonement
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Thanks, Heather!

I guess it's possible that I am overreacting (and I do have a little bit of a tendency to overreact about these types of things anyway, and the situation isn't helping.)

The funny thing is, I have no idea why I'm freaking out with. I'd been wanting to have sex for a while now, and while we were doing other stuff that he'd initiated, the intercourse was definitely initiated by me. It was premeditated, and I'd thought about it, and decided that I was ok with either way it went. Then, as soon as I go through with it, I start feeling completely different. Can we talk about that?

Also, another fear of mine is that the problem was that I was completely ghastly in bed and he never wants to have to sleep with me again, lol. It was an overall good encounter for me (excellent, really, when you consider it was our first time together), but I'm sure it wasn't the best he's ever had...

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Heather
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Happy to talk about that with you (just a warning, though, it is raining cats and dogs on my little island right now, so my 'net connection is going a bit in and out. If I drop way silent for a bit, that's likely why).

One thing I can say about your last paragraph is that it's helpful to remember that even when a given sexual experience rocks our world, it doesn't mean we want to repeat it or keep in contact. And even when it doesn't, it doesn't mean we won't. You weren't doing sex work here, so I'd try and check in if you find yourself thinking about an experience like this like it was some kind of audition or job performance issue.

Per your second paragraph, and what you asked to talk about, have you had experience before with initiating sex in this kind of situation, and doing so with the idea that it might not be anything other than that? Additionally, have you been sexual with others during times like this in your life where it's happening at the same time you're in the midst of deep crisis or challenge?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Atonement
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This guy is only the 2nd guy I've ever been sexual with at ALL.

My ex (the other guy) and I were in a committed relationship before we even kissed, were dating 3 months before I let him touch under my shirt, 6 months before we had oral sex, and 1 year before intercourse.

So yeah, I guess you could say that doing all that within the first week, when there are no real guarantees of where it's going was a big jump for me. But I had thought it over (even before he ever cam into the picture- I've been thinking it over for months), and I was very sure that as long as I could be comfortable enough with someone to get naked in front of them, I could definitely handle casual sex. Now I'm not so sure.

As for the crisis thing, nothing quite like that has ever happened to me before either, so It definitely could have a part.

In fact, I wonder if it's a combination of the fact that I am under stress, that I have had sex before, and that this guy and I really did (and hopefully do) have awesome chemistry that my ex and I never had might be part of why I moved so fast. And I don't regret doing it with him, I just really don't want it to be the end of things with him.

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Heather
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Okay, so this is totally new territory for you, it sounds like.

Casual sex isn't for everyone, and isn't the right thing for those for who it is at every time in their lives. For some folks, or sometimes, they/we just find out after the fact that we didn't feel as casual as we thought, or needed more aftercare or connection past the sex than we thought we might. And sometimes, that's just something you can only find out afterwards, rather than being able to predict from the onset.

So, because it can be unpredictable like that, making decisions with casual sex will tend to involve checking in with ourselves to see how we feel about that level of unpredictiblity.

And by all means, it's often a lot tougher to make any of these kinds of decisions when we're in any kind of life crisis, even though I'd say it can be a little more common to take these kinds of leaps then because of that (and it doesn't always have to be bad, either, even if we don't get the outcome we wanted or found we wound up hoping for). Being in crisis can make us feel more fearless, sometimes.

But all of that is okay. I mean, if you found out that what you thought was workable for you isn't, that does not have to be the end of the world, and can actually be really valuable, even if and when the outcome is a bummer.

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Atonement
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Yeah, the thing is, I'm a little afraid of how I emotionally handle relationships. But I had always thought "oh well, I can still have sex, at least". And now it seems like I can't emotionally handle that either.

That's the problem. I don't even know what I want. I guess maybe the thing is I want a relationship but I'm just too scared that I'll get back where I was before. And a relationship with this guy was starting to seem perfect, since he's gone so much for work.

And then the thing is, I don't know when this crisis is going to end. Sometime i just see it stretching on forever. I don't know how I'm supposed to live around all this. Every time i've seen this guy, I've had to sneak around because my dad would probably (literally) have another hemorrhage if he knew I was dating again. And I wonder if the fact that I wouldn't let this guy come to the house has something to do with what's going on.

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Heather
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Well, if it is, then he's not someone with a lot of emotional maturity, you know? Not being able to go to someone's parent's place because one of their family members is seriously ill should be a gimme as far as not making it about you goes. Know what I mean?

Per what you're saying you're feeling is problematic with sex and relationships, can you fill me in some on what your own process/work has been in really looking deeply at that and figuring out what you might need to both get a better handle on what you want, and to conduct any kind of relationships the ways you can handle and feel good about?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Atonement
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Well, I was very unhappy in my relationship with my ex, mainly because I felt like he ignored me/ect. Now, I see that part of that was my own insecurity, but a big part wasn't.

When I was with him, my entire focus was on him. I forgot about my education, I forgot abut my interests, and I really didn't like the person I'd become.

There's also the issue with watching my mother go through the emotional abuse from my dad, and hearing about all the abuse my other female relatives have endured.

I didn't think I wanted another relationship, but right now, I want SOMETHING, with this particular guy, really badly. Maybe I want another sexual encounter, maybe I just want that wonderful feeling of being desired agai. It's just so frustrating that I had it for a whole 5 days, and now it very well might be gone.

I keep checking my messages, but there's no way of knowing if he's read it or not, and I'm really afraid he's just gonna ignore it. And i know that if he is that type of person, I shouldn't care, but...

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Heather
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I'd say a "whole five days" is not a whole lot of anything. I don't say that to be dismissive, I say it because it can be SO easy to feel like -- or have -- everything you think you want in such a short period of time. It's awfully easy to deliver that to someone else when you have just BARELY started to get involved with them, and it's also awfully easy to see something as having all you want when you've only been looking at it for a handful of days.

The tough thing about trying to look for relationship patterns when you've really only had one is that you can't have any idea what's a pattern for you (or might be) and what was about the specific dynamics of that ONE relationship.

I wonder if right now you can't make a small step that I think would help you avoid the kinds of things you were talking about having been an issue for you in the past. In a word, a step to avoid focusing on this possible thing SO much, to the point you're waiting by the phone, losing your focus over everything else.

So, how about instead of spending time and energy around wondering what he'll do, if he calls, you go hang out with some friends and put your focus on one of the other parts of your life?

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Atonement
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I meant "a whole 5 days" not as in a lot of time, but as in a little. I almost feel like fate or whatever just gave me enough of something I enjoyed to tease me, then yanked it away.

Right now I'm actually working on my final exam review for precalculus between talking to you. Which makes it worse because I HAVE to do the review, but it's not enough of a distraction to get things off my mind. If it wasn't for this, I'd probably be reading with my sister, or watching House, or doing something to get my mind off this.

Maybe I should just really focus on this, get through it, and then do something enjoyable.

Also, I don't have anyone in my in person life that I can tell about this.

My parents would be horrified enough to know that I'd ever had sex at all, much less that I had sex with someone I'd only been kinda seeing for 5 days.

A part of me really wants to tell my older sister what happened. When she was here, we had a long heart to heart talk and she promised me that I could tell her ANYTHING. And I know she's a lot more liberal about sex than my parents (and that she had an incident of her own in her teens). But the thing is, I'm terrified of telling anyone who talks to my parents about it. I don't THINK she'd tell them, but what if she did. Months ago, she asked me if I'd had sex with my ex, and I wanted to tell her, but I lied, because I was too afraid to trust her with that info...

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Heather
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No friends right now?

You connected with this guy via Facebook, who was someone you knew in the past. How about using that same tool to try and renew some friendships?

It also sounds like your sister might be just fine to talk to. Could you not ask her if she could commit to listening and talking with you and keeping what you're disclosing private?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Atonement
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I definitely am planning on reconnecting with friends over Christmas. My closest friend will be back from college then, I've got a Christmas party for work, and I'm planning on meeting up with a childhood friend too. But I've scheduled all this stuff for after school, so I could focus. The problem is, I'm just not doing so well on the focusing.

I'm definitely going to consider telling my sister. She's been a huge help with dealing with the issues with my dad.

Another thing is, I'm a little ashamed to tell anyone, also. I'm ok with what I did, but in the pack of my head there's still a puritanical old lady in the back of my head shaking her finger and saying I never should have had sex in the first place, and that going through with something so fast makes me "easy", or some concept that I really don't believe in but can't quite shake from having it so ingrained all the time.

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Heather
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I think ditching that ingrained stuff that you know isn't true just takes time, as in, years of time based on how much it was ingrained. But if it helps to hear someone say it, that stuff isn't true. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Atonement
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Thanks for all your help, Heather!

Well, I'm gong to try to push through this test review so I can try to squeeze in time for something enjoyable later.

I'll keep you updated on what happens, and if i need to talk again, I will be back.

Thank you so much!

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Heather
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Just checking in on you: how's everything going?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Atonement
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Hello!

Things are going good right now. My dad is still taking his medicine, and today his temperament was really good. Lately, things have been pretty steadily ok. I took my finals, am on winter break now, and feel like I did well.

I never did hear back from that guy from last week, but I'm OK with that now. Admittedly, there were a few red flags that would have made it pretty unlikely for anything long term to happen, and I DID have quite a bit of fun while it was going on. I guess just the way he was talking confused me a bit. Next time, hopefully the person will be more straightforward about what they're really wanting, but I'm seeing this positively now.

I did take your advice, and got together with a friend from high school on Thursday. We had a great time, I told her everything, and it turns out she had a casual sex experience too. Somehow, knowing that I have a good friend who's been there too has cleared up any doubts I had about casual sex being "ok", and after talking to her, it feels more like a fun, exciting experience than being a let down. We're planning on hanging out again after Christmas, and i have plans with other friends too. I'm really looking forward to it.

My brother and his wife are also coming in tomorrow, and we're having an early Christmas Monday, so I'm looking forward to that as well.

So in short, things are going well, and I hope this keeps up! Thanks for checking in!

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