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Author Topic: just feeling so down....and can't sleep either...
AponiKanti
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although I'm positive no one is really online right now, i need to go. I currently can't sleep, it's four am and i have class tomorrow, but i can't sleep. I've struggled with depression since eleventh grade, i'm now in my second year of college. for all this time i didn't feel confident talking to my parents about it. The few times I have were not met with helpful reactions. My father just sort of blew it off since i have no "reason" to be depressed and he's the one who's usually cool and understanding. My mother oscillates back and forth between trivializing it or getting angry over it. Since i don't have a legit reason, whatever she may consider that to be, she sees no reason why i can't get over it. She has even fully blamed me and my lack of "commitment, responsibility" whatever as the reason i'm depressed. her current idea is it might be my birth control, nevermind that isn't a common side effect. for any of you who have read my previous posts, you know my mother and i have a very volatile relationship, thankfully we're in a calm period, but as usual there is still some things in her behavior that bother me.

Basically, i don't feel safe to talk about myself. I feel like i'll either be outright ignored, blown up at, lectured, or otherwise trivialized and made to feel stupid or guilty or whatever for being depressed. My stepfather has openly called my depression an excuse to be lazy. I've been told he won't be "fooled" by my attempt to pull the wool over his eyes just because it worked on mommy (thanks for insulting her). He has openly told my boyfriend that he doesn't believe in me. He has implied that i'm something akin to a whore or nympho, whatever you'd like (more on this later).

My mom has this tendency to imply that her opinions are better because she has "experience" from being older. Like, it's possible for me to have a valid opinion on more than just trivial matters or things pertaining clearly to my age group. She takes perceived slights to her authority or her intelligence about as well as an airport takes a bomb threat. I'm often reminded of all my flaws, laziness, selfishness,arrogance which by the way i've been working to improve for years and acknowledge, though she would have you believe otherwise. I'm also often reminded about how much she's done for me and how much she loves me, i get guilted for doubting her and get told how i should trust her opinions because she knows things i don't and can think of questions that she hadn't thought to ask at my age so she's doing it for me. There are some really loving, but obscure stories from my childhood or her pregnancy that i never get to hear until we fight and she's "proving" her love for me and demonstrating how selfish or arrogant i'm being. She also frequently reminds me not to do certain things pertaining to my boyfriend and things, things that never came into my mind, for which she tells me to stop trying to defend myself when i say so because she knows what it's like to be a teenager. but it's like, umm, unique individual who doesn't think anything like you did as a teenager much?

I'm extremely resentful of her, my stepfather and some people at my church. These three entities have made my life hell for at least six months. What was the "cause"? My relationship with my boyfriend and my still pending baptism. I failed at school twice, once in a place called Alfred, which is in upstate new york, and once at the local community college, which i was bullied into attending. At Alfred, I was severely depressed, I stayed there for maybe half the semester before asking my mother to bring me home. I had been highly suicidal several times, my mother didn't know that at the time. At the community college, i was still very depressed and hadn't wanted to go there in the first place, so i failed, though my mother isn't aware of that. After that was when I really started a deeper relationship with my boyfriend, well, it was when i got home from alfred, but all the stuff hit the fan around february.

you see, my mother wants me to be baptised. clearly my family is christian, at a non-denominational church. I actually want to get baptized, so it's not a problem to me, however it was and still is a problem at church. why? cuz of my boyfriend. to the people i was studying with (we study the bible first, then get baptized, from what i've been told a good portion of churches do it the other way around) having a boyfriend was a big problem. he wasn't considered a christian there, despite having been baptized at 12 and 16, though i don't think he told them that. I have studied the bible on three occasions, so i knew what i was getting into, however i didn't expect the wave of pain that would ensue over my boyfriend. To the people i was studying with it was a source of untold distraction, the fact i refused to give him up spoke numbers about my pride and lack of trust in God to bring a good christian (young) man into my life. It was a major roadblock, despite us having a "pure" relationship.

this also caused friction at home. although my mother saw no reason for us to break up due to the typical "no sex or sexual contact" rule, she did still have an agreeable opinion with the church members i was studying with. I was frequently reminded by both sides about how i was rejecting christ's love for me, how in my current standing i'm going to hell and how i'm giving up my soul over a boy. I was also told by my mother that God isn't against permanently removing people or objects from His rightful place in my life. Oh yeah, that inspires me to think of God as loving and kind. she also said she hoped being with my boyfriend was worth going to hell and losing my soul over. oh yeah, that makes me want to be in church. last i checked, although focusing on repercussions of not repenting for sins is important, i'm pretty sure fear of punishment and intense guilt are not supposed to be the main factors and reasons to change for Christ. I'm pretty sure His love and grace are supposed to be the driving factors. I don't even want to study anymore, because i can't operate under the premise that i'm evil, terrible, and that i should live in fear of God. I cannot reconcile that with how i firmly believe that God is benevolent and NOT petty and malicious.

Back to my parents, my mother certainly gave me a hard time about it. she finally backed off when it got extremely clear the the church members i was working with were being unreasonable and when she discovered my sister was having sex. My boyfriend and I didn't start having sex until our sixth or seventh month together, and i was sneaking around to see him for most of our relationship. The dreadful conversation about sex that my mom and stepdad brought up just made me angry. My mom opened it with this bible verse about a virgin being enticed into the house of an adulterer and compared the behavior of my sister and i to it. It was mainly just a lecture about how bad our decisions were. they accused our boyfriends of cheating on us and not being committed to us just because we gave them sex. "you can't really believe you're their only ones?" they said to us. my stepfather made an extremely aggravating statement about how he wasn't gonna "assume anything with us." for all he "knows we could have some other person too." we might've seen some other dude and thought he was cute and thought, "well I'll just get with this guy and dump this joker." implying quite clearly that he wasn't gonna assume that we weren't cheating as well, that we weren't whores.

We were flayed for not being on birth control. We must be trying to get pregnant or something, according to my mother. and we don't know if our boys are clean and even if they are you still have to worry about getting pregnant. I responded to my mother that i use condoms quite faithfully (which we do, even now that i'm on bc, my boyfriend likes to say he doesn't invite trouble). She responded "so?" and I'm like, they protect from stds. to which she replies, but are you trying to get pregnant, using condoms but not birth control? I didn't respond to her shockingly silly statement. but they kept going of course, with my stepdad making a proposition that was cynical and irritating. "Since you're having sex with those boys and they claim they're committed, why don't you marry them? All you need is a marriage certificate, i'll even pay for it. And just ask them very naturally, don't make it seem like a huge deal or anything." This was strictly a trap for no other reason than to twist the facts to suit their argument, which is exactly what they did when we reported their very reasonable "no, i'm in school and have no way to take care of you". They ridiculed them, claiming it proves their point that they're not very committed.

Yea, i've had other fights with my mother about school. several times where she directly attacked my boyfriend, berating him for being a distraction and not "doing enough to make sure she succeeds." shooting down his suggestions about what i could do for school with an extremely angry and aggressive "you're not her mother, you're not her parent, i am, so stop telling me what i should do for her. stop telling her what she should do, that's my job, not yours, you just don't distract her." so now, along with the pressure he already put on himself to care for me and make sure i succeed, he now has this very angry, very unnecessary attack on his conscience from my mother telling him what a horrible boyfriend he is. add to that he is trying to take care of me, a depressed and emotionally fragile girl with an overbearing mother whose paranoia that i'll make her same mistakes drives an intense need to control me. he's also got his own school work, a job, and his own family to think about. It's a very pointed determination, a desire to avoid conflict and a naturally happy-go-lucky spirit that keeps him from blowing up, breaking up with me, and/or slipping into depression. and a hell of a lot of love and affection for me. I mean a whole lot. people who've only heard a small portion of this story have applauded him, telling him a lesser man would've given up and backed away by now. I can only imagine if they knew all of it, not limited to me but including his friends who throw quite a bit of drama into his life too.

As of all this it's 5:15am and i feel less angry, but more apathetic. I am highly depressed right now, i feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. all this drama in my family is draining and aggravating. I don't feel safe fully expressing myself or defending myself. I am just afraid that i will be ignored, trivialized, blown up at, or otherwise lectured and shamed for my feelings. I had a huge fight right before i started at my current school with my mother. Where i finally told her about my suicidal thoughts, to which she replied "have you tried it?" "no." "well i have, three times." and she told me about them. I've already known about her struggle with depression as a teenager and one of her attempts, i didn't know about the other two, but basically she trivialized my feelings with her own experience. "oh you've thought about it? i've actually tried, and i still worry about the effects of one of those attempts" was the basic point of that. and that since she got out of depression i can too, in the same way. like, seriously?

I enjoy writing and photography, i'm in school for the latter. i haven't been able to write more than insignificant bits for months and i finally figured out why, i don't feel safe expressing myself. I don't want to be rejected or shamed. my photography is full of random pictures of nature's beauty, things i noticed by happenstance and without real purpose behind them, but the photos that were purposeful and for assignments are full of lonely, empty, and/or sad elements. they look stranded, dark, and are often in a sunset, in deep shadows.

I'm tired of being resentful and angry and bitter and confused about everything. my mind is full of doubts about myself, my art, school, God, my boyfriend. I feel so ashamed for going after things that i desire and enjoy. I feel selfish and complacent. i feel unheard and unable to make myself heard without some sort of backlash or undesirable reaction. I fear that my boyfriend will leave me for frustration, guilt, and lack of resources to help him get past my family, deal with school, or assist in my health. I've always been the sickling in my family so that worries him too. I'm afraid i'll fail and disappoint everyone, and i'm even afraid of seeing a school counselor because i don't know what i should ask for to get the help i need. I don't know how to talk to my parents in a way that they'll listen, that they'll care, that they'll drop their misconceived notions and their assumptions based on a mix of themselves as youngsters and teenage stereotypes and for just a second, see me as a completely unique individual, with unique needs, a unique way of seeing the world and with very real and very valid pain inside. I just want to be heard and helped. I just want to have a freer and more loving and understanding relationship with my mother. I want my relationship with my boyfriend to be less filled with pain and shame and guilt and fear from my parents and my church and to be filled with the happiness that relationships are supposed to have. my boyfriend shouldn't dread me receiving a phone call from my mother, i shouldn't argue with him over whether i told her that i was hanging out with him today. and this is ignoring the fact that i'm 19! is it just me? i know that i very much had a lot to do with the fights. I have lied, i have snuck around and been a little rebellious. i have been disrespectful at times when she super went off with the yelling and guilt trips. but i just find that this is too severe, this is too much. i find that she overreacts more than she underreacts. bipolar disorder does run in the family, but still. i don't even know what's wrong with me half the time. I enjoy being at an art school and yet once again i am struggling with the work, with my depression making itself well known, once again, making a lack of time management skills into a train wreck. and that's something i don't even want to mention to my mother. i haven't even told her that i'm staying in the associate's degree program rather than transferring to the bachelor's. i've always had a hard time with the traditional school teaching style, i get bored in lectures, homework is the bane of my existance. i'm a more independent learner and a good test taker, so class is usually boring for me. i'm usually distracted. but that matters not to my mother, i'm intelligent, therefore failure is unacceptable if she believes me capable of earning the grades. she softens up on math because i've been a consistently average mathlete since grade school, but that's about it.

*sigh* I'm sorry for going on so long...i just really needed to get all of this out, all at once, to someone who i know will listen and provide empathy because you're strangers and have little preconceptions or misconceptions about me based on past behavior. that and i'm so introverted i often have difficulty articulating my thoughts outloud unless i've expressed them before or had to think about them or write them. i'm well known for my "lack of filter", that is, just saying whatever comes to my mind without molding it to be said better. I can be blunt, sometimes to the point of being cruel. it's not intentional, that's just how my mind works when i shoot from the hip instead of thinking or writing it out. the more emotional and important something is, the longer it takes to fully articulate it or the harder it is to say it at all. bah, and i'm still ranting. well, kudos to anyone who reads all of it, much thanks to anyone brave enough to respond.

Posts: 95 | From: Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
OWL Dan
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You certainly have a lot going on right now! Have you considered talking with a counselor about this? Did you ever see a counselor in the past for you depression? If so, they would be a good place to go. If not, I would suggest checking with regular Drs office or your schools student health center for a referral.

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Dan

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AponiKanti
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well, i've seen a therapist before, but she wasn't very helpful to me. she didn't really make it a conversation, didn't really jump in to ask a lot of questions, just expected me to spout. I haven't really checked out my school's resources yet, but i plan to.
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OWL Dan
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Not every therapist is a good fit; hopefully you can find one who is. Don't be afraid to ask them questions when you first meet with them; this way you might have a better idea if they are a good fit. I will also share with you a thought or saying that has helped me through rough times I am worth it!. If you can take this to heart, it can be a great motivator. I wish you well.

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Dan

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AponiKanti
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thanks
Posts: 95 | From: Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
AponiKanti
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so, had a very useful and mostly calm talk with my mother. she apologized for making me feel how i have been. so she's also going to get a number that i can call to start looking for a therapist. so i feel better about that, more relieved i guess. i suppose i should feel far better, but i don't feel happy, just not as down.
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OWL Dan
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I'm happy to hear that your mom is being supportive and that your talk has helped you to feel relief. With everything that has been going on, it is no surprise that you don't "feel far better". It will take some hard work and time to turn everything around, just keep remembering that you are worth it! Happiness will come in time!

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Dan

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poetrylover16
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I came forward with my depression once. My doctor referred me to a councler, she asked a series of questions including "do you have an eating disorder" i said no i didnt. After that she sent me outside the room and spoke to my mom in private. The councler told my mom i had an eating disorder and i am in denile.We had only talked for half hour.I went back one more time and she had forgotten everything even though she had wrote it down and asked the exact same questions. We asked for a different councler and they said yupp we can do that and they made an appointment with the exact same counler.So i gave up. I to have the problem of having no "reason" to be upset.Unless they have gone through this they don't undestand.
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AponiKanti
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well, i'm pretty sure i have a possible appointment with a therapist tomorrow and my grandmother also knows people who could suggest a therapist. she works for a law firm that handles medical cases, easy to find a decent therapist from there, you know who they all are and aren't lol Poe, I wish you luck trying to get recognition and good help
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OWL Dan
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Good luck with your appointmet AponiKanti!

Poetrylover16, Have you tried you school's guidence counselor or nurse as a referal resource?

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Dan

Posts: 842 | From: Ohio | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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