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Author Topic: I need to get this off my chest.
Bun Bun
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I'm not sure if this is the right place for this post. I guess it is, since I'm really just seeking some support and some perspective on this. I have what I think is a mild anxiety disorder. Whatever it is, it causes me to sometimes over think situations that have happened. Particularily social ones. I generally think of the event over and over and over, trying to analyze what people thought of me and generally telling myself that I acted like an idiot. Sometimes it keeps me up at night. Like right now.

When I was in grade 10, I did something pretty stupid. I was with a group of people, joking around and we were all trying to freak each other out. Well, without thinking, I touched one of the girls boob. It wasn't a grab or anything, but I immediately saw that I crossed the line. Afterwards, I profusely appologized explaning that I realized I crossed a line and wasn't thinking when I did it. She said she accepted my appology.

Well apparently that wasn't so. Later I was called down to the counsellors where the girl and two of her friends were waiting. Apparently it had made the others really uncomfortable. Understandable, but I think it was blown out of proportion. Instead of listening to my side of the story the counsellor bomb-barded me with questions, the most brutal of which being "Is it true that you're bisexual?". She stretched out the word "bisexual" and I could just feel the poison in her voice. I felt attacked, vunerable, guilty... It was horrible. I cried while they accused me of being some sort of disgusting creature.

It was over pretty fast. School ended, problem solved. I never really got in big trouble for it. In fact, all of the girls went on to act nice to me. We never were really friends, but they would often sit with me in class and joke and stuff. Always saying hello on the bus and things like that.

I just can't help feeling horrible about it still. I don't know why. I feel like I was wrong- I was. I crossed a line that shouldn't have been crossed. It's not an excuse, but my state of mind at that point in my life wasn't exactly great. I had come out of an emotionally, mentally and sexually abusive relationship and wasn't anywhere NEAR coming to terms with it. I was also dealing with the aftermath of years of wondering whether (and sometimes it felt like WHEN) my mom was going to die. She was getting better, but it kind of ripped our family apart a bit. My brother has a mental illness, and it really affected him. So I was dealing with the hell of him running away, and just general turmoil.

I feel like... I was bullied a bit. I feel like things were blown out of proportion... But when I feel like this, I start thinking I'm wrong, that I deserved the treatment I got because I did something bad.

I just really need some perspective on this. I've been tossing and turning for an hour, thinking of the situation. It does, however, feel fantastic to get it off my chest. It's been..what... 4 years? 5 almost? And I STILL think about it.

Really, any thoughts would be appreciated.

[ 09-07-2010, 02:10 AM: Message edited by: Bun Bun ]

Posts: 206 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I feel like you were bullied a bit, too, and it also sounds like that counselor may have had some homo/biphobia they were projecting unto you.

For sure, touching someone intimately without their permission is crossing a line, but it happens. You knew you had, the context it happened in was kind of all about people trying to wig another out in the first place (in other words, sounds to me like the whole game was inviting boundary-crossing), and you seem to have handled it well. I don't think everyone else did, and I don't think bias or ostracism was an appropriate answer to this situation.

I'm glad you were able to talk about this here. Have you been able to talk to a healthcare provider about the general social anxiety you feel like you're struggling with?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68235 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bun Bun
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I haven't really talked to a healthcare provider about my anxiety before... I tend to put stuff like this on the backburner because I'm so focused on school during the majority of the year. I'm going into my third year of university and 90% of the time I just don't have time to worry about myself. As well, a lot of my energy is put into dealing with my brother's problems. He has anxiety and ADD and it makes things incredibly difficult sometimes. There's also the fact that I just don't feel like it's that bad. It doesn't happen all the time, and it's gotten progressively better. 2-3 years ago I was having panic attacks daily. Now it's more like once a year.

I guess I should try and get some help with it though. I don't sleep well, and tend to have pretty bad dreams. Last night I dreamt that my abuser was trying to make amends for what he did to me. It was horrible. Also I went to the dentist today and found out that I've been grinding my teeth in my sleep. I figure it has something to do with my anxiety too. They said it's fairly common with students because of stress...

Posts: 206 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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