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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Anyone else with gay/lesbian parents?

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Author Topic: Anyone else with gay/lesbian parents?
Member # 47634

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I'm not sure if this has a place here or if there's even anyone who shares this issue with me, but I guess it's worth a try?

Anyways, here's my story: At the beginning of my sophomore year my parents divorced, and several months later my dad told me that my mom was gay (without talking to my mom about any of this, he just "assumed" I knew, though I oftentimes suspect that it was an attempt to turn me against her due to an ongoing child support/custody battle). To be honest, I'm perfectly fine with my mom's sexual orientation. I now live with her and her girlfriend, and while I don't consider her girlfriend a "parent" necessarily, she is great to have around and we get along really well. My mom and I have a good relationship as well, but I very rarely have contact with my father (basically my choice, I'm still very bitter about somethings he did pre- and post- divorce). My mom and I went to therapy for a couple of months, which helped immensely with some of the "transition" issues.

Anyways, I really don't know anyone (ANYONE) who has gay parents. Like I've said, I don't have any issues with my mom's sexuality as long as they don't interfere with our relationship. However, I have only told four people- three close friends (that do not attend my school) and my boyfriend (for obvious reasons) about my home situation.. Telling my boyfriend was one of THE hardest things I've ever done. I was SO scared about what he would think and if he would tell. Luckily, he was very open and accepting and just downright cool about it. I dealt with my parents divorce, child support battle, my mom's homosexuality, and moving in with her girlfriend largely in silence. However, I haven't had friends over since the "switch". I have a lot of friends who are conservative and religious, and presumably homophobic. They make a lot of gay jokes (for anyone who thinks that such jokes are harmless- they are a HUGE source of turmoil, guilt, and embarrassment for me), and I don't feel comfortable telling them at all. I don't have sleepovers, and at times I've had close calls with them finding out- my best girl friend once said "boy (my mom's girlfriend) sure is at your house a lot!" It's very scary for me with people finding out, as I go to a small school where the majority of people are homophobic.

Anyways, just kind of looking for anyone else dealing with similar issues, it would sure help to have a few connections [Smile]

Posts: 14 | From: Midwest | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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pantas25: I can kind of help with this, but kind of not. Let me explain why.

I knew I was queer when I was really young, around the time I was 10. I came out at around 15 (basically, when I knew there was coming out to do at all: it was a different time, and all of this was not as visible in the cultural lexicon as it is now. I had girlfriends in high school and beyond, many, many years before one of my parents had a same-sex partnership.

For the most part, I also remain the only one of us who is out (which is why I am being a little obtuse here).

But even if my parent was out, because I'm queer, the kind of thing going on with your friends would have been a big issue for me. Suffice it to say, coming out and being out for myself, when it was challenging, would have been more so than having an out parent. As well, with my parent, by the time this came to be an issue, I was in my late twenties, so.

Dealing with friends with any kind of bias is always really hard, even when it does NOT impact you or people you love directly. And when it does, it's obviously even harder. At the same time, it's pretty well accepted and understood that the best friend of bias is often secrecy and silence. In other words, people with bias tend to feel they have permission to keep it and be loud about it if they don't think or know that anyone hearing it is directly impacted.

Have you been able to talk to your Mom about any of this? In other words, how does she feel? How out does she want to be right now? Would she be comfortable with you perhaps picking a friend or two to have over and be honest with who you suspect may have the least bias, and who might even just realize they're being biased if presented with your family?

(FYI, I am sure that over the next few days you'll hear from other users with LGB parents, probably some who also aren't queer themselves. So, you shouldn't be limited in this by my perspectives and experiences. Just didn't want to leave you hanging.)

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 47679

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When I was 14 my parents got divorced because my mom realized that she is gay. I live with my dad and step-mom half the week and with my mom and her girlfriend the other half of the week. Obviously your parents' relationship is different, and that's significant, but if you ever want someone to kvetch to i think it's possible to e-mail me through this board. Best of luck with everything and know that all of us children of gay parents are here for you.
Posts: 1 | From: Cambridge, MA | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 37835

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Y, private messaging is disabled on this site to protect our users. If you want to have a conversation, you can post everything here.
Posts: 2262 | From: in transition | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 50013

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pantas, have you heard of COLAGE? it's an organization specifically for kids of LGBT parents.
Posts: 9 | From: Massachusetts | Registered: Nov 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 56998

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I have 2 gay dads. I'm a girl and I never see my mom because she lives ages away. I suppose I'm luck though, My pairents separated when I was only about 3 2 or even 1. I have grown up use to it.
unforchanatly there are always going to be homophobic people and I lost one of my boyfriends because of my dads. I think with friends the good frined will stick around, I often have my close friends over with my dads and they don't seem to mind at all but they are amazing people ^^
the only problem is that my dads don't like any one beeing over for sleep overs because they are more open minded that alot of pairents to the fact that I might be gay also they say that now i am a teen they might as well be letting me have boys over though i am a girl...
but you get use to things and people. rember its early days.
my dads have been realy nice to my boyfrined and let us spend hourse of time together with no body in the house as they trust me, they say that if there pairents had been more open to letting them exsperment then they might have relised there homo sexualty younger so they think that its good for me to have free dome!!
hope I helped a little xx
xx maddie.

Posts: 24 | From: uk | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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